Just Shoot Me! S2E7 - English Transcript

Okay, let's see what you have. Mmm. Good height, broad shoulders, supple mouth, brooding eyes, terrific. Now, please walk to the end of the room and back. Mm-hm. Good. Now I'll need you to remove your shirt and pose and pose. Great! We'll be in touch. Next! Uh, Nina, I need to talk with you when you're done interviewing the models. Models? No, no, that's tomorrow. I'm choosing a new intern. Jack, thanks again for those hockey tickets. Glad you had a good time, boys. Between periods, Finch got to shoot a puck from center ice for a new car. No kidding! Did you win? No, but I didn't wet my pants, so I'm calling it a victory. I went out with a hockey player once. Nina, is there a sport where you haven't dated one of the players? Yes, of course. Not including figure skating? Uhno. Oh, good, you're here. I'm entering everyone's birthday into my new electronic organizer. Maya, what's yours? You're kidding, right? Well, you have one of those birthdays that's hard to remember. January 1st? Moving on. Nina, what's on deck for next month? Well, the designers are rolling out their spring couture lines- Jack Gallo's office. Yeah, where are you? Yeah. What are you wearing? Ho, ho, ho. Yeah. It's your wife. I'll take it in my office. Keep going with the meeting. Yes. Yes, of course we'll keep going. As I was saying, the designers are rolling out their spring couture lines, and I thought- Oh, I don't believe this. This is awful. What happened? Did your pharmacist get busted again? The post office is issuing commemorative stamps of famous Blues musicians, and they're leaving out Cholera Joe Hopper. What? Maybe that's because no one wants to lick something that says cholera. Wait a minute. How do you know about Cholera Joe? He was only the greatest Blues musician of all time. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Name his first album. Bad Kinda Itch. Huh! This is incredible, you're a fan! You know, I have every album Cholera ever made, even the unfinished one, Don't Need No Doctor. God, I lost my virginity listening to Cholera Joe. Wait, which album? No album, I-I was at a concert. I've never even heard of this guy. Well, of course not. They don't play him on WYUP. I'm not a yuppie. Oh, yeah? What's your all-time favorite song? "Time in a bottle. " Dennis, get me the number of the Woodbridge School, and find out who the headmaster is. What's wrong? Allie and Hannah were at their mommy-and-me Tai Chi class. Get this. She found out that we're the only ones not on the Woodbridge waiting list. Uh-oh, it's the best school in the city. If you're not on that list prenatally, you can just kiss Woodbridge goodbye. How would you know? You seem to forget I was a stepmother for over a month. There are plenty of good schools. I don't want a good school for Hannah. I want the best school, and I can make this happen. I am the Can Do King. Says who? This mug. Well, I can't argue with you there, even if I am the world's greatest golfer. I must have some connections. Woodbridge, Woodbridge Who do I know who went to Woodbridge? Uhme? No, I would've remembered that. There would've been plays, recitals- Oh. Those of you on the left side of the tram might want to get out your cameras and catch this awkward family moment. Didn't I donate a wing to that school? Oh, yeah, I guess you did. Well, then we're in. Dennis, let's do something to get the headmaster's attention. Send him over some high-priced Cubans. Great. I'll have the Ricardo sisters there in an hour. I mean cigars. Oh Here we go! Cholera Joe's all-time classic "Pebble In My One Good Shoe. " You know, that's the last one he sang with a tooth. Oh, I know, and did you know that in the second verse of "Where's My Leg," that was an unplanned gunshot? * Ah, 10 cents a day * * Diggin' wet Muddy ditches * Ah, Elliott, there you are. We going to lunch or not? Shh! Shh! * Soggy legs, soggy legs * Hey, not to speak ill of the dead, but this guy eats crap. He just doesn't get it. Yeah. Hit the road, Top 40. Hey, I've been to the House of Blues. Just listen to his pain. I have carpal tunnel syndrome. Suffering like that comes from the soul. Yeah. Sometimes I can't go like this Jack, letter from Woodbridge. Already? Hey, we're in! "Dear Mr. and Mrs. Gallo, "after reviewing your application "and due to your family's unfortunate history "with Woodbridge, we regretfully decline the admission-" Hey, I donated a whole damn wing. What the hell is going on here? Well, gotta go. Hold on. Not so fast. What don't I know? You're gonna get a kick out of this. I burned down the school. What? Well, just the west wing. Wasn't that the wing I donated? Not so much donated as replaced. Part of their "you burnt it, you bought it" policy. How come I didn't know about this? You were in Rio! I tried to call you, but you told the hotel to hold all your calls. Well, you should've called my secretary! I did. She wasn't in her room. Oh, yeah. This is just great. Dennis! We have to smooth things over at Woodbridge. By smooth, I'll assume our high-price Cuban will be joined by a silky, Exactly. Great. I'll put Katie MacCullen on hold. Headmaster Reilly? Oh, you must be Mr. Gallo. Please call me Jack. Well, it's nice to meet you, Jack. Thanks for dropping by. I just wanted to show you how eager I am to get my daughter into your fine institution. Boy, if I had a dollar for every time I heard that. Done. Anyway, just a little token. Ah, Scotch. How thoughtful. I always say you can never have too much Scotch. I'm done saying that. No, no, no, listen, I appreciate it. I'll just put it next to this cognac that Mr. Trump sent me. Oh, Trump's kid goes here? Nope. Ah. You see, Jack, a lot of important people try to get their children in here. They can be big stars or captains of industry, but when they walk into this office, make no mistake, they're on my turf. I hear you loud and clear, and speaking of turf do you enjoy golf? Not really. I'd rather spend my weekends with my family. Ah, well, surely you have outside interests. Bet that family of yours likes to go skiing. I wish I could, but I blew out my knee in the Peace Corps. But I've got to tell you, Jack, that's one hardworking guy you got out there. You think so? He's yours. Jack, please. Look, I appreciate your, uh generosity, but here at the Woodbridge School, we have a little saying. "When you admit the children, you admit the parents. " No problem. I already take a nap after lunch. And that's why I'm standing by my decision to deny your daughter admission. What? If this is because of the fire, believe me, it won't happen again. Little Hannah has a completely different mother. You guys mind if I wait in here? Some fifth-graders are picking on me in the hall. Look, Jack, the records show that your daughter set fire to this school one day after you didn't show up for her music recital. According to this, you missed every single one of Maya's school events from kindergarten all the way up to the fire. How big could that fire have been? That folder seems to have survived. She was a child acting out. The fire wasn't Maya's fault. My point exactly. It was yours. Oh. Can I use your phone? I'm gonna cancel the hookers. Nina guess what I brought in. Oh, wow, Cholera Joe's Hurts To Make Water. Digitally remastered gold edition. [SCRATCHY RECORDING OF BLUES GUITAR PLAYS Isn't it amazing how he just completely sucks you into his world of despair? You lost me right after "sucks. " Hey, Finch, if you hurry over to the elevator, they're playing "Hungry Like the Wolf. " You're bluffing. You can't even understand a word this guy says. What are you talking about? The man is a poet. Yeah, who else could come up with a lyric like "penny in my hat and that slow, foamy killer"? Yeah. What? "Penny in my hat and that slow, foamy killer. " You know, it's malt liquor. No, no, no. It's "Penny in my hat and a stone for my pillow. " But that doesn't make any sense. Yes, it does. He lived in the streets. Hey, I know perfectly well where he lived. Lovers' quarrel. Nina, you're showing your ignorance. The man slept on gravel. Ooh, harsh words. You gonna take that? I have forgotten more about Cholera Joe than you'll ever know. Oh, I hope you're wearing a cup. Oh Lady, you know nothing about the Blues. Hoo hoo! You showed her. Let's go celebrate at happy hour. Wait! Are you absolutely sure it's "stone for my pillow"? Well, I thought it was, but now I don't know. "Slow, foamy killer" does make sense. You know, we could look this up. Let's go. Yeah, yeah, go with her! But don't come crawling back to me, because if you do I'll still be here. Surprise! What's this? A piano. Come on, play something for me. You play like an ángel. What are you doing? Making up for all the recitals I missed in your childhood. So I'm all ears, baby. Lay it on me. I can't do this. Why not? Because I played the violin. All right, what's this about? I need you to go with me to tell the headmaster at Woodbridge what a great father I was. Oh, you want me to lie for you. No lie. I don't want you to lie. Just, you know, have some fun with the truth. I could do that. Oh, that's my girl. I used to have fun with the truth all the time. Like when you missed my sweet 16, I told all my friends you were donating a kidney. I'm a giver. Or when you didn't come see me when I had the lead in Oklahoma!, I told everyone you were stuck in an avalanche. My worst nightmare. Or when you skipped my high school graduation, you were hunting Nazis in Argentina. I hate Nazis. Always have. And then there was the day that I found out everyone knew I was lying, and that's when playing with the truth stopped being fun. Okay, don't do it for me. Do it for Hannah. Little Hannah, who loves her big sister so much. Pwease, big sister Maya, I want to go to the good school. Fine, but that's the most annoying voice I've ever heard. So you were never married to someone named Cholera? Well, thanks anyway. I hope you catch your rooster. Well, I give up. We've made and all we have to show for it is a crick in my neck and a recipe for possum. Yeah. Yes, yes, I'll accept the charges. I think it's her. Mrs. Hopper? Mrs. Cholera Joe Hopper? Oh! Oh, thanks for returning my call. Uh, my friend and I are huge fans of your husband's music. Put her on the box. Yeah, uh, one second, one second. Uh, Mrs. Cholera Joe, we were wondering if you could help us figure out the words to one of his songs? Hold on, let me get my teeth. I can't believe we're talking to the woman who inspired "Chin Hair Mama. " I'm here. Shh. Shh. Shh. Wait. These aren't my teeth. Damn raccoon. Scat! Mrs. Cholera Joe, in the song "Lazy eye, swollen glands," what are the words right after "penny in my hat"? Gee, let me think. * Penny in my hat And a cold armadillo * What? "Cold armadillo!" "Cold armadillo?" Yep. You heard me. Of course. Of course. The armadillo's a nomadic mammal. It represents the poor man's isolation in society. Oh. I-I knew that. You don't know nothing. The man never made no sense. He drank gasoline straight outta the pump. Don't you got anything better to do with your time, ya skinny-*** ho and ya bald-headed fool? Hey, wait, how did you know that we were skinny and bald? Uh-oh. I just got what they call the shine. Jack! Mr. Reilly This is my daughter Maya, winner of her fifth-grade science fair. Hello, Maya. Hi. Nice to meet you. She carved a clock out of a potato. Still got it on my desk. Please have a seat. So, Maya your father tells me that you work together. Yes, we do. All day. Every day. It's fun. We talk. Tell me, Maya, in what way do you look up to your father? Would you like to be more like him? If so, why? If not, why not? Well, he's very determined. Very. Andalmost compulsive about getting the best out of life for his new daughter Hannah. I'd do anything. And he really likes waffles. Crazy for 'em. May I interrupt? Yes, please. Sometimes life comes down to a defining moment, which opens your eyes and makes you see things a whole new way. And that was The fire, of course. That fire was my wake-up call. From that point on, I devoted myself completely to my little peanut, here. Uh, Dad Her interests became my interests. I remember helping her memorize her lines when she got the lead in Oh, Calcutta! Oh, stop. And whether it was her sweet 16 or her high school graduation, I tell you, it'd take an avalanche to keep me from being- That's it! That's all I can take! Wh-wh-what's wrong? H- H-Hannah That's all I can take before I tell this sweet son of a *** how much I love him! You are just the best! Ah! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna step outside before I get all gushy. Sweet girl. All those things she just said, pretty powerful stuff. Huh? You must be very proud. Oh, yeah, well, uh, not so much proud as completely ashamed. I was a terrible father. I was never there for Maya. Look what I just put her through. This was all one big show. Oh, I know. I have a Master's in Psychology and a minor in Drama. Look, I-I-I'm just trying so damn hard to get it right this time, but Sorry to take up your time. Jack, let me ask you a question. How often have you been to this school? Including these past two times? Two times. And yet when you had a child here for five years, you never showed up at all. What does that tell you? Look, if we're gonna go through this thing again, I'm taking my scotch back. WhoaWhoa, okay. Whoa, okay Oh, God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I was just-fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire. So there's hope for Hannah getting in here? Well, I have to admit, your situation is unique, and Maya certainly did turn out to be a nice, well-adjusted young woman. You want to know something? She really is. I'll tell you, I'll be the happiest guy in the world if Hannah turns out to be half the woman Maya is. Intelligent, kind, responsible She's got it all. Do I smell smoke? No, this is on the level. Uh-oh. This time, let's call it the Jack Gallo wing. * Life keeps bringing me Back to you * * Keeps bringing me home * * It don't matter What I want to do * * 'Cause it's got A mind of its own * * Life keeps bringing me Back to you * * Yeah **