Spin City S1E2 - English Transcript

James, great speech for the scouts of America. Although for future reference, let's keep the Mayor away from words like "webelo. " I'll add that to the list. We've got these 2 school closings up in the Bronx. Whoever goes up there is going to take a real beating. So, uh Stuart, why don't you handle that ? They're here ! They're here, they're here. Ok, people, listen up. According to Manhattan magazine, as of 9:23 on this glorious October morning, I, Michael t. Flaherty, am now officially the sexiest man in Manhattan. Whoo ! Thank you. JFK Jr. took himself out of the running. I don't want this to disrupt things here at the office. After all, I'm no sexier today than I was yesterday, so what about Alec Baldwin ? Not technically a New Yorker. The Mayor's being honored on friday by the association of Christians and Jews. You're all expected to attend. Keep in mind these are religious people. Choose your dates with care. There are I'd like your dates to check out on at least 7 of them. That's kind of tough, Mike. Assuming they haven't killed anybody, they still have to go What about Billy Baldwin ? Los Angeles. Do we have to bring a date ? No, but anybody who doesn't bring a date will be placed on Helen duty for the evening. Oh ! There's nothing I'd rather do than spend an evening with the Mayor's wife, but unfortunately for me, being the sexiest man in New York, I already got a date. You're telling me there isn't a single Baldwin brother in any of the boroughs ? Ashley, maybe I need to clarify. I have no comment. I have nothing to say. I have no idea what you're talking about. Fine. Just one final question, though. One. Well, it's divided into 3 parts. Paul, I have something important to discuss with miss Schaeffer. Could you allow us a moment of privacy ? Gladly. Thank you. I take it the magazine came out ? Next on the runway Mr. Michael Flaherty. And he's wearing his marky marks. Named for a man who, while quite sexy in his own right, must now toil in Flaherty's shadow. Do you mind ? People are eating here. What ? Am I too sexy for you ? Yes. Yes. I am so woozy with desire, I can barely finish eating this carrot. Then I will just wait for you here. Thank you. Ashley you want a piece of this ? Would I be having sex with you or with the sexiest man in New York ? Well, you can't have one without the other. Then I'll pass. What do you mean you pass ? You can't pass on an opportunity like this. I've slept with you before. I'm familiar with the procedure. I wouldn't pass on a chance to sleep with the sexiest woman don't finish that sentence, mister ! Because that's you ! - Mike ? - Yes, Paul. I know Ashley Schaeffer's your girlfriend, and let me just say, I think she's wonderful. Beautiful, witty, a real catch. Spill it, Paul. She's evil, Mike. I'm telling you, she's all over me. It's eerie. It's like she can read my mind. She's just on a hot streak, ok ? It's going to pass. I'm telling you, she's out to get me. What is she on to now ? Some internal audit of a high school in queens. What's that about anyway ? We got a custodian at a high school in Queens happens to own a fishing boat. A municipal worker who owns a boat. So ? So, there's just some concern that the boat might be misrepresented by the press. Misrepresented how ? As a yacht. Is it a yacht ? No, it's, uh it's not a it's the guy's fishing boat. You know, it's a dinghy, really. All right, fine. Sure, ok. All right. I'll see you. Does this boat have a jacuzzi ? Why do you ask ? Oh, no, Mike ! Aw, Mike, no ! We're talking scandal ! Talking kickback ! We're talking news footage of crumbling inner-city schools cross-cut with photos of a janitor sitting in his jacuzzi aboard a 60-foot yacht. It's got a big mother of a satellite dish. Oh ! Hey, hey. You guys read my article yet ? Ah, yes. It was fascinating. I'm having it framed. Mike, Wordsworth is my favorite poet, too. Is that who I put ? They faxed me this little questionnaire. Since when do you kayak on the weekends ? I kayak in my spare time. In my spare time of which I have none. However do you find time for all your hobbies: Playing squash, cooking pasta, and contemplative introspection ? Thinking, Mike ? That's your hobby ? You guys are missing the point. The point is, I'm the sexiest man in New York, and I bet statistically, I'm sexier than all of you put together. Yeah, maybe, but that's only because Stuart's dragging us down. Well, be that as it may, I got a date for tomorrow night. And if tradition holds, none of you do. I'll tell you what. I'll pass the savings on to you. I suggest dividing Mrs. Winston up into easy-to-swallow This isn't fair. You have a live-in date. You'll never have to go on Helen duty. I'll tell you what I'll do. If all of you get dates for friday night, I'll take care of Mrs. Winston. Of course, the banquet would probably have been canceled, what with hell having frozen over and all. James, would you like to go to dinner with me friday night ? Sure. No, no, hey, wait a minute. Karen, would you go to dinner with me ? - I'd love to ! - Oh, great. You can't. No. Hey, that's not fair. Well, Stuart, carter guess you guys will be sharing Helen duty. Pick you up at 7:00 ? I take it there is some impropriety going on down at that school. Depends on what you mean by impropriety, sir. Larceny, fraud, embezzlement. Well, then, yes. So have you briefed Paul ? Yeah. I told him we want to keep it quiet and do our own internal investigation. There's no telling how high up the ladder this thing goes, so we wouldn't want to make the mistake of can I help you at all, sir ? You know, they're right. You are a very sexy man. Striking. All right, sir, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm already taken. You know, uh, you better get used to people looking at you because from now on, everything you do is a story. I mean, the restaurants you eat at, the movies that you see, the way you look. I'm sure it won't be that much of a burden, sir. Once you're in the public spotlight, you can't get out. You walk down the street, you start to feel people looking at you. Everywhere you turn, nothing but eyes staring judging gazing into the very recesses of your soul. No, no. Wait, wait. Stop. What ? What's the matter ? I- I can't do this. What is it ? Uh, I don't know. I just I feel weird like, uh like people are watching me. Well, why don't you close your eyes and just let me help you get over it ? No. Honey, you don't understand. This is like, uh it's like a major malfunction kind of a hydraulics problem. What do you mean ? Ok, uh, you know when your foot falls asleep ? Yeah. I just shake it real hard and stomp on it. Not a good idea. Oh. Oh hey there, sexy. You're looking mighty fine today. Right back at you, Roberta. You're number one. You know it, kid. I'm living a lie. Honey, really, it's going to be fine. No. I'm a big, fat phony. Hey, sexiest man in New York, up top ! I can't go on with this. This has got to stop. Hey, Mike, nice tie. For god's sake, will you people leave him alone ? What do you want from him ? Thanks, honey. That's much better. Everything all right ? Yeah. Fine. All right, so whip it out. What ? The football pool. Giants over Dallas. I won. Oh, god, the football pool. Oh, thank god. Ok. Here you go. That's a 20, Mike. Yeah. Well, you keep the rest because I'm just going to go lie down. which are just a few of the many reasons why the Mayor has issued this proclamation making today pedestrian safety day. Yeah. Yes, Ashley ? I wanted to follow up on that audit of that high school in queens. First, I'd like to respond to any and all pedestrian safety-related questions. Ok, then. Have the school books, in fact, been audited ? - Ah, no. - The funds are accounted for ? Yes. They have. That's correct. Well, you don't really know that. The books haven't been audited yet, right ? Right. Wrong. Wrong. That's, uh, I mean, uh why are you doing this to me ? What are we doing ? We're just coming home for a little early lunch. Mike, it's quarter after 9:00. A late breakfast. All right, you know why we're here. I got to get right back on the horse. Does the horse have any say in this ? The horse gets no say. If the horse likes, it can whinny. All right, now, please, just strip and lie back on the bed. Excuse me ? Do you know how many people subscribe to Manhattan magazine ? I feel like I'm having sex in the middle of Yankee stadium, and they're all watching me and judging me. Honey, maybe you should see someone about this. You know, talk to somebody, a professional. Is there a good reason you're not naked yet ? If I do this, it is only because I love you and because it is clear that you're about to lose your mind. Well, those are 2 excellent reasons to have sex with a person. All right. Now, I just I got to remember no matter how much they may want me, I'm not making love to the entire city. You just got to narrow it down a few square city blocks. Pretend I'm Chinatown. Chinatown ? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I like that. Mmm. Chinatown. Mmm. I'm thinking I'm thinking silk kimonos. I'm thinking geisha girls. Geisha girls are japanese. So ? So are kimonos. So ? So we shouldn't have culturally insensitive sex. Not exactly my biggest problem right now. I'll apologize to the pacific rim when we're done. I'm sorry. Ok, where were we ? I mean, you were just trying to help. Oh, yeah. Chinatown. Mmm. Yeah. I'm thinking chopsticks. I'm thinking dead ducks hanging in store windows. You've ruined Chinatown for me. Well, it's a big city. We just got to try someplace else. Little Italy ? Mmm. Oh, bene, bene. Molto bene. Checkered tablecloths. Um tiramisu. Penne. You're making me hungry. No, no. It's just New York. How about Santa Fe ? No. Minneapolis ? No. Houston ? Houston ? Houston. Houston we have a problem. We have got to stop obsessing about this. You're right. You're right. I mean, it's not really that big a deal. I won't blame you if you want to leave me. Come on. I love you, and I will love you even if you can never have sex again. Thanks. Up until this moment, I hadn't considered that possibility. Excuse me. Aren't you on Helen duty tonight ? 'Cause I'm Helen, and where have you been ? You know, down at the office, we don't refer to it as Helen duty. We refer to it as Helen privilege. You really didn't have to get me a corsage, James. I thought it would make it look more like a real date. If you were prom king, maybe ! Oh, I'm just kidding. We're gonna have a good time. Well, you better believe it. Look what I smuggled in. We got peach schnapps. You're kidding. We're gonna party very hard tonight. You're not kidding. So, both of you guys are in a rowboat no, no, no. Stop me if you've heard this one. Right now, 100,000 papers are being printed up, and every one of them has a picture of a janitor on a yacht. And you know why, Karen ? Because he was cleaning it ? Because of me. Because I can't do my job. I'm an albatross. Are you gonna eat that cherry ? So, how are you guys doing ? Paul's making me sad. You should go and dance. Okeydokey. What's up ? Ah, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm I'm fine. How many drinks have you had ? Oh, this is my first one. Really ? All right. All right. Unbelievable. Hey, Paul. Let me ask you something. How much do you weigh ? I don't know. About 175. Popular kid in school, were you ? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, guys love me. Yeah. Yeah. - Where did you go to college ? - Notre dame. There it is. I see it. What ? I did. I went to Notre Dame. Paul, you tip it when you lie. I do not. Oh, yeah, really ? When did you lose your virginity ? - I don't know. When I was 16. - Paul. - All right. I was in college. - Paul. All right ! I was 33. But, Mike, you should have seen her. She was beautiful. She was a model. You know, she didn't like me at first, but then she was head-over-heels for me. Oh, my god ! Oh, god ! I touch my face when I lie ! Oh, my god ! Oh, Mike ! Oh, no ! Oh, god ! Carter, let me ask you something. Shoot. Suppose I was you know. Gay, Stuart. The word is gay. It only has one syllable. I know you can say it. Ok. Suppose I was gay. Would you find me no ! Not even a l no ! I work out. I don't care. Can I can I ask you something ? Fire away. When you, uh when you first started making speeches, you know, and running for office, and being in the public eye, did you develop any problems you know handling the pressure ? You know, I've never told anybody about this before. Once I took Helen to this beautiful, old romantic inn to get away for the weekend, and, bam, it happened. That's right. Bam ! That's the way it was for me. My golf game went right out the window. And by your golf game, I take it you actually mean your golf game. I used to play every day. Sometimes twice if I had the stamina. Then I became Mayor Winston. I completely fell apart. I still managed to make it to the green, but then I'd pull my putter out nothing. It just it just didn't feel right. Exactly. My confidence was shot. You know, and you can't fix that at the driving range. Oh, no. You can practice by yourself all day it's just not the same. You speak the truth. So, what did you do ? I mean, how did you get past it ? I didn't. I quit the game. Golf isn't everything, Mike. Oh, but what if you really, really loved golf ? Well if I was going to try to get back on the course, I think I would focus on what drew me there in the first place the pure, simple beauty of the game. The beauty of the game ? Thank you, sir. Are you a golfer, Flaherty ? Uh, used to be. Haven't played much in a while. I'm thinking of taking it up again. Well, you should. Best 6 hours of your life. I think that might be a little optimistic, sir. Well, this has been a little slice of heaven. He's awful cute, though. Thank you. You are so unbelievably beautiful. Thank you. When I look into your eyes, I just want to be with you for the rest of my life. Excuse us. Mike, there are people around. You know what ? I don't care. I want you right here and right now. You don't have to put this kind of pressure on yourself. This really is not the place let's go. Yeah. Excuse us. Coming through. Deputy Mayor. Official business. Coming through. It's alive ! I don't want to be baby-sat every time we leave the house. So I suppose I could, in situations where your career is at stake, take more care to be appropriate. That's my deputy Mayor and his girlfriend. They seem very happy. You would be, too, if you just had sex. Father ! Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog. Moo.