New Apple Watch Makes Privacy a Thing of The past

We here at Apple are thrilled to announce the new iPhone 6, 6 Plus and new Apple Watch. The best smart phones and wearable tech ever. And it’s going to make personal data leaks more invasive than ever before. The communication between the apple watch and the iPhone six is unprecedented. The watch will send all of your health information about workouts and dietary habits directly to an app on your phone, that will then will keep the data organized to be analyzed by a third party app or an 18 year old looking to trade or sell your information on the deep web. The Apple Watch’s ability to read and live share vital signs is revolutionary. For the first time ever this will allow millions of teenagers on the Internet to know the exact moment a celebrity is being intimate and join in on their own if they so please. Apple Pay is a new feature we’re also excited about. You can either use your current method of payment that you have stored in iTunes, or take a picture of your credit card that might be stored in multiple places you didn’t know were vulnerable to security breaches. With Apple Pay’s ability to work directly with your bank, subreddits will now be able to track the direct financial benefit a celebrity receives from the publicity of their stolen and leaked private information when the media perpetuates the event. And we’ve incorporated Maps into the Apple Watch. So now, for the first time ever, you can get directions without ever having to look at a screen. Or behind you at the dozens of people who are following you after having tracked your location and are ready to convince you to love them and spend the rest of your life being unknowingly watched from your webcam. We here at Apple are beyond excited about the capabilities of our best ever products to make the little details in your life simpler. And even more excited about the possibilities of enabling other people to invade and exploit them.