Slowlywood - Hollow witnesses - Fight in Tivoli

TALL TALES TALL TALES - FIGHT IN TIVOLI For 15 minutes now I've been waiting for him. Where are you going? Riding a bike to Ljubljana? Why do you need a bike, when you can borrow a public one? I just got off the phone with her. Not twenty years ago še ate roasted lamb right off the skewer, but when she moved up north she became a vegetarian. You know what she said to me? "How can you people eat animals?" She said that! She who had eaten an entire herd of sheep! A typical example of these *** who go up there, and... -Who? What do you mean, who? Who am I telling you about? My aunt, the one from the Netherlands. You know, the one with the big butt. Listen, when she was making us pasulj, she put... This coffee's cold! Why did you order without me? You said you'd be here right away, now drink it cold. Listen. She was cooking pasulj. I looked under the lid, and there was nothing but beans and carrots. A whole bunch of *** carrots, and not even a slice of meat! So I cut some pastrami and sujuk, threw in a lump of lard... You've told me that story a hundred times already! In the middle of the story you decide to interrupt me! Half-way through the recipe! I've heard all this *** before. *** the Netherlands and your aunt! My aunt?! -Nevermind, it's a boring story anyway. I'd rather hear about that fight you had in the Tivoli park. Leave the pasulj and the carrots to your aunt. -You're right. *** her and her carrots. So what happened? How did you guys get into a fight? -Well, listen. We were hanging out in Tivoli, near some faggots jerking around with a football. I was just telling my homies how I roundhouse-kicked some guy, when suddenly I got hit by a ball. Then, in a blink of an eye, I just snapped... It couldn't happen here in Slovenia?! It happened to me, I was there! Oh, come on, man, who's gonna believe you? Nothing like that ever happens here. I'm telling you it happened to us! Listen. I was in Tivoli kicking a football with some buddies of mine... Then you lift it in the air, and volley it right into the upper corner. Even Samir Handanoviæ couldn't block that. Damn, the old bat is calling again. You mean your mother-in-law? Yeah. I've had it up to here with her constant interrogations. So you just lift the ball and scissor-kick it... And I land a roundhouse kick straight in his face, right here. The guy falls on his knees directly in front of me, so I take the stance and finish him with a punch between the horns. Hey man, pass the ball! Come on! Are you stupid or something? ***! Get the dark one! And you panicked? -Of course! Left, right... Where could I run?! Don't think I forgot about you, fatso! You'll get your *** kicked as soon as I get back! Come on, come on! Oh, look who ran into us! What's up dude, are you practicing? Some guys are chasing me! I hit him in the ball with a head... It was an accident... I meant to do it! Hey, where do you think you're going? What the *** do you want, ***? If you want him, you'll have to deal with me first. Is that clear? With you? -Yeah, with me. What's the matter with you?! You knocked out my tooth! Want some more, huh? -Hey, man, if you think... No way! -The guy started defending himself! Listen, I... He high-kicked you? -So hard my ears started ringing. My homie switched to his attack-mode, so I told him: "No no, wait..." Wait, wait! Oh, man... You just made the single biggest mistake of your life. You'll regret this. And my homie wanted a go at him again! I grabbed his leg and said: "Stop!" Stop, stop, wait! Have I told you about my visit to my relatives in the Netherlands? When I had my way with a black woman in the Red Light District? There you go again! Stop interrupting the story! Tell me about the part where you got knocked out in Tivoli. Nevermind that, listen. Netherlands, me, black woman... -Tivoli. That wasn't just any ordinary black woman! I'm talking about Big Mama! Tivoli! How did you get knocked out? What happened? What can I say? He took me by surprise. I flew through the air like Superman! But in reverse. I was out before I hit the floor. And you just watched from around the corner? Sure, what else? -Just asking. Then I jumped into the flower bush and hid myself. In some dendron or something, I don't know exactly... It's 3 p.m. and you're drinking coffee?! Start your shift, you piece of ***! I've got a buddy here, just wait a minute. Five minutes, please. Five minutes?! I'm doing your work here, ***! Get your *** inside before your nose gets a sniff of my fist! Hey, Krezo, another cup of coffee for me! *** you, dipshit! Get your own cup of coffee! Well that's no way to treat a customer... -He's on his period, leave him be. So, the big guy finally gets his turn... Did the unconscious guy come and kick your *** when he awoke? How could he? He could barely move. How on Earth did he get so hurt? Wait a minute, you beat up a knocked out person... ...and in the end you stole his bling as well? *** yeah, man. What do you think he'd do to me? Who? Fatso? If I got my hands on him then, I'd eat him like tulumba. But trust me, he's done for as soon as I lay eyes on him. Above all else, I feel sorry for my golden chainlet. It wasn't free you know? I had to rob a jewellery in the centre of Ljubljana to get it. What happened then? Is that it? Not nearly! -Just asking. So the big guy starts chasing them. What a scene! I couldn't believe that something like that could happen here in Ljubljana! So these two are having it out, but so were the other two, those jackasses, one side each, trying out some kung fu ***. Kung fu? That'll teach you! -***! It was just like in Hong Kong! But, of course, Slovenia. Someone called the police, and everybody split instantly. You know what happened then? Uh, we should move inside before Krezo starts nagging again. Here you go. I've rounded up everything except table 9. You can settle that yourself. -Hey, you can't just leave without closing! So what happened then? Oh, and make me another cup. My chainlet and I were casually strolling through Tivoli, when we came across Johnny Depp. Hey, buddy. Nice necklace. Do you have a smoke? Thanks, man. Johnny Depp?! -Yeah, Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp in Tivoli? -Do I have to tell you again? We were strolling through Tivoli, and we came across Johnny Depp. Hey, buddy. Can I get a light? Johnny Depp... mid day in the middle of Tivoli, asking you for a light? Listen, when I came to... I open my eyes, surrounded by flowers! I thought they'd killed me, that I'm lying in a grave! Then suddenly he appears, like an angel. He thought I was just tanning amidst the flowers, like it's nothing unusual. Cut the *** and pay for the drinks. Oh, fatso! I believe we have a score to settle, don't we? OK, here's how this plays out: Firstly... ...you give back my chainlet, pay this bill, return with the change, that is - your entire tip, then I kick your ***.