Men of a Certain Age S2E11 - English Transcript

Original Air Date on June 29, 2011> Aw, geez. Our website looks like ***. What the hell? Here we go. One time. Unh. Yeah. Lookin' for a deal that's off the hook? ♪ Then you gotta stay away from those other crooks ♪ What? Come to the guys with "car" in their names ♪ Scarpulla, boyeeee, these cats got game ♪ don't waste time with missed free thoreaus ♪ boom. Son of a ***! come on down to the man who knows ♪ When I grow up to be a man ♪ will I dig the same things that turn me on as a kid? ♪ Will I look back and say ♪ that I wish I hadn't done what I did? ♪ Will I joke around ♪ and still dig those sounds ♪ will I still joke around ♪ when I grow up to be a man? ♪ and still dig those sounds ♪ Scarpulla, boyeeee! ♪ gotta roll, gotta roll, roll ♪ come on, come on ♪ Oh, whatever. Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Look, I don't know how they snuck that *** on our website, but we got to get serious. That thing is everywhere, O. "Scarpulla, boyeeee!" Oh! - Please, don't. - Sorry. Scarpulla is not content to just coexist in peace. He's trying to swoop in in our moment of weakness and take everything. Are we weak? I thought we were doing all right. We're doing great. But, hey, the best defense is a good offense. So, first off, new promotions. We're giving out free car washes all month long. Right? Get a nice big line going. You guys are gonna have a bunch of face time with potential ups. And we're also doing a new commercial. You can't be in it. Nothing personal, Lawrence. We just already have a homegrown star. Aw, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute, O. You didn't think I was gonna let all that talent go to waste, did you? Ladies and gentlemen, the new face of Thoreau Chevrolet! Hollywood! Arriba! Arriba! Hey, Bill, what's up? 'Cause, you know, I'm still not doing the *** thing. Dude, calm down. I still owe you $500. I'm trying to be a good guy. I'm just gonna swing by. No. By the store? No, no. You don't got to do that. Um Actually, you know what? As far as the money, Merry Christmas. Really? Yeah, yeah, why not? I could let it ride. Cubbies have been covering. No. No, no, no, no. You just, uh Start an I. R. A. or something. Geez, thanks, Joe. You know, between Manfro getting cancer and you going all boy scout on me, I got a whole bagful of money I don't know what to do with. I'm sure you're gonna figure something out, right? - All right, I'll see ya. - Nice knowin' ya. Whoa, Mr. T, did you get demoted? Mm-hmm! New unis, guys. Got the logo on the front. You see that? All right. Cool. It's all right. There's no music. Come on, what's up with that? - Oh. - Come on, guys. We're slipping here. I know you hate my music, but, uh Come on. Yeah, that's broke. Well, for how long? Come on, didn't anybody think to maybe tell me? Didn't want to bug you, Mr. T. You haven't been here that much, and Dashaun and me are trying to be managers like you asked. But there's a lot to do. Okay, yeah, I get it. I get it. I'm just -- I'm not mad at you guys. I'm not. But here's the thing. I'm actually gonna be around more. What about the Senior Tour? Store comes first. It's gotta, right? But first we got to shape this place up. We got to fix this damn thing. You know what? We should paint. That's what we'll do. I'm gonna close the store up tomorrow, we'll all pitch in, we'll get it done fast. All right? I'll buy pizza. You guys start putting all that together, okay? I think I got some tarps in the back. Let me look. Hey, boss. Hey, sorry about springing the commercial on you that way. I just got all excited. Yeah, you know, it's exciting. It's very, uh -- Come on, man. You got to do it. - I really don't want to. - Okay, I know. I can't do another bad commercial, O, all right? The guys are still making fun of me for those spots on the Internet. Okay, look, look, ups come in -- they want to talk to the TV guy. If you're the TV guy, you're gonna double your sales. Double the-- that's a fact. Now, my dad used to be the guy. But we need to freshen things up. And I feel like you're the secret weapon. Scarpulla looks like a shyster in his commercials. But if we bust out with a professional actor, all-American, good-looking, huh?! OO Come on, man. Dude, I'm telling you. You're the key to kicking his ***. - All right. - Yes! Yes. The new face of the company. Look, I'm not gonna hang you out to dry. I'm spending money I don't have on this thing. And I don't know much about show business, but it's gonna be good Classy. Okay. Classy. Hey, can you dance? I'm messing with you. ♪ What's up? You all right? You need an emergency bag of lucky charms? I'm going on fumes. No sleep again last night. Work stuff or just peeing? Work. Woke up every night this week, 4:00 a. m. , million thoughts runnin' through my head. Oh, I get that ***, too. It's like obsession wake-up call. start thinking of stuff. I know I ain't going back to sleep. You know what knocks me out is mint tea. Yeah, I'm sitting in bed wondering, "Do I even exist?" You think I'm shutting that down with tea? I'm just saying. Sleep like a baby. The only thing that's gonna make me sleep like a baby is seeing black numbers on my spreadsheet instead of red. What, whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. Fantasy woman. I got to tell you, she's not that hot. No, you're tired and stupid and still kind of fat. Oh! She's a good-looking woman, but, you know, you've done better. Better than her? Yeah, what about what's-her-face, the blind-date hygienist lady where you came in your pants? Dori, you mean? Yeah, that's not what happened. I'm talking to her. You know what? I don't give a damn. It's about time. Right. Right. Here we go! Hey. Oh, hi! - Yeah. Hi. - Hi. I haven't seen you up here in a while. Oh, yeah, I just -- you know, I've been crazy with the store and, uh, well, a lot of stuff going on. So, uh, you know? Joe's been playing a lot of golf. He's trying out for the Senior Tour. - Really? - Mm-hmm. You must be good. I'm, uh -- I'm okay. I'm all right, you know? I'm not actually trying out for the tour. I was gonna, but I'm not now. But, yeah, I could give you some pointers if you want to know how to hit a bad shot. Well, thanks. I'll think about that. - Okay. - Yeah. See you later. Okay. Bye-by bye. She's gonna think about that. You know, normally, I'd say that's ***, but that had a not-*** inflection to it. You're not trying out for the tour? Uh, no. No, I'm not. Dude, that's all you been doin' for the last six month. Well, that's all I been trying to do. Now, look, I practiced, I got a coach, I tried. It's just -- it ain't gonna happen. Can't you keep on practicing? Well, the uh, pre-qualifying's here, next week. So No. Yeah, but what about Albert? Wasn't he supposed to caddy and all that? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. So maybe he'll see that you can't neglect *** and it magically works out. Okay, all right. I mean, that's fine, Joe. Just, you know, we're surprised, that's all. Yeah. Just seemed like you wanted to do that. I know. Well, you know, the good news is that it looks like the fantasy woman might be into you. Oh. You got to put that in my head? Well, what? You said it first. Yeah, but I'm just bullshitting myself. You're saying -- aw, now I'm gonna be thinking, "Hey, maybe. " I'm not gonna sleep tonight now. I'm gonna call you at 4:00 a. m. Oh, God. Me and the fantasy woman. Can you imagine that, though? I mean, if it's -- ooh! I got to run this off. I'll see you at the top. Hello? Over here! U realize you only get one closet, right? Don't worry, I'm taking a couple sick days off work to purge. Yeah, I've gone through almost one box. Oh, boy. What? Give me that! Oh, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. Hey! Oh, man! Look at you. Look how cute you were! You got your whole little Duran Duran thing going there. Look at that! Aww, that's nice! I was going for more of a -- I don't know -- Belinda Carlisle. Thank you very much. What can I do for you, daddy? I noticed the inventory could use a little freshening. You ought to have the lot guys move the new Camaros down towards the street. Okay. I just want to make sure you understand that now that Bruce is gone, you're gonna have to step it up. He may have had his problems, but he took a lot off of your plate. Daddy, I'm here morning, noon, and night. I rarely see the kids. Well, now, that's a shame. But sometimes, that's -- that's the way it's got to be. There were times back in the '70s where I slept here four nights a week. I remember. Okay. Oh, and what time do you need me here for the commercial tomorrow? Oh. Um Um A-actually, um See you then. Whew! Pizza in the back, guys. Go get it. Just got here. It's still hot. It's from Mikey P's. It's the good stuff. Um Okay, guys, what? Just because of all the management, the stuff we've been doing lately, Dashaun and I think we should get a raise. Oh. I mean, you kind of made a big deal about us taking on more responsibility, which we did. But I'm still getting paid like a cashier. And so it's not really fair that you keep paying me the same -- us the same. - Right? - Yeah. I just -- you know, guys, I wish you would talk about this with me in my office, maybe, at the right time. Sorry, Mr. T. It's just -- we just never see you. Well, yeah, but like I said, that'-- that's all gonna change. Okay. But we're still gonna be doing a lot. Also, I just got pizza. Look, I'm sorry, but the truth is, I can't be doing a raise thing right now, okay? I just -- I'm sorry. So, that's it? Yeah. I'm sorry. ¿qué estás haciendo? No importa. Lo que él está hacien no es justo. Hey, hey, hey. Are you walking out on me? We just want what's fair, Mr. T. Although we could finish up and then go. No, she's right. Maria, what are you doing?! It's just not fair, Mr. T. It's not fair. Dashaun! All right, man. No worry, Mr. Joe. I have 10 friends we call. Okay. You don't have to do that, Carlos. Oh, hey, Marcos? Yeah, I got it. Toilet paper and half and half. Piece of ***! What's going on? The stupid pressure pump is broken again. I keep trying to boost the regulator, but the rinse cycle is so weak because it's a piece of ***! Okay, well, it's got to be fixed because I've Tweeted and Facebooked and we've got flyers from here to Glendale saying "Free car wash. " People are coming tomorrow morning. Then you're gonna be hand-washing every car, because this piece of *** ain't gonna do it. Uh, something just came up. I'm not gonna make dinner. Oh, shoot. Again? You remember both boys have school projects due tomorrow, right? Look, it's kind of an emergency. I got to track down this pressure pump. And this guy, Chet, he's about to cry. Look, forget it. I'll tell you later. Okay, sweetie. When we see you later, right? Yeah. No, no, no, no, no mañana. Ahora. Estúpido. Sorry, Mr. Joe. Yeah, it's okay, Carlos. Don't worry. He and me do good job. Hey, man. I got it. I had to drive all the way to Torrance and wake up some dude, but, uh Hey, man! Hey, I got it. What time is it, man? It's time to rock this thing. And don't worry about how long it takes, 'cause you're on double time, okay? Okay. Hey. You need, um Help? Our friendly staff ensures that you'll get a great deal without all the hassle. Because they're not making them like they used to. You know, I got to say, I'm kind of excited about the shoot today. Yeah? I mean, Owen was right. This does not suck. I mean, even the part with his dad is okay. You know at I'm excited about? I found a whole box of these in my new closet. Wow. You know, he's really cute, but I think I like you better. Well, that's good. And why are you wearing overalls? This was my best pair of pants. Where is everybody? The car wash has a huge line! Everybody's supposed to be here catching fish! Early shift was just me and Lawrence. Did you put more people on the schedule? Okay, okay. Um Get on the phone and call everybody. Okay. Whew. Come on. Owen Thoreau. Hmm. Bill, what's, uh -- I thought it was a delivery. Well, you know, I just happened to be driving by and I saw your truck here, and I realized, geez, you know? I can't take your money. Oh. All right, whatever. And I also realized I got a good feeling about Denver tonight. No, no. I'm not taking bets. I told you, that's still the deal. Oh, come on, man, you owe me. You know, the Cubs won the other night. - I would've cleaned up. - Come on, seriously. You got to go. Come on. Look, I'm not taking your bet, and that's a good thing for both of us, believe me. Aw, come on, Joe. No, seriously. Listen. Come on. You have a problem, man. Just go to G. A. Man. Joe. Joe. Joe. Thanks a lot, Joe. Loser! My Maria ♪ don't you know I have come a long, long way? ♪ Is Maria here? I've been longing to see her ♪ when she's around, she takes my blues away ♪ sweet Maria ♪ Hey, Dashaun. What's going on, man? The sunlight surely hurts my eyes ♪ Yeah, listen, I was just thinking. I'm a lonely dreamer on a highway in the sky ♪ Mari-i-i-i-a ♪ No! No! Champion! Champion! Yeah. Chi-Chi Rodríguez! You'll take two? Yep. - See you tomorrow, Mr. T. - Thanks, man. This is good. Take two, you're big. All right, I'm out of here. Carlos. Hey, listen, thanks, uh -- thanks for -- well, just, you know, thanks. Yeah. Hey, Carlos, hold on a sec. You know what? Yeah. I don't need this anymore. You take it. Practice at home. You know, you could maybe make it on the "señor" tour. I'm sorry, that was just laying there. Okay. All right. Who do you think's gonna be the first one to flub their lines? Not gonna be me, son. Are you kidding me? Are you kidding? We're gonna start with a glamour shot of the Chevrolet emblem, light making it glow. Then we pan to your first spokesman. People say they don't make them like they used to. At Thoreau Chevrolet, we agree. The new Camaro convertible -- That is definitely not making them like they used to. And the same goes for our sales team. Our friendly staff ensures that you'll get a great deal without all the hassle. So, come in to Thoreau and let the best generation of car salesmen show you the next generation of cars. Because they're not making them like they used to. They just might be making them better. And cut! Okay? Okay, how'd it look? It looks great. Freakin' cool, dude. It's so freakin' cool. Okay, we went a couple of seconds over, though, so let's do it again. And, this time, just pick up the cues. And action. People say they don't make them like they used to. Isn't he supposed to get out? Cut! Is there a problem, Terry? UhYeah, yeah. I think that there is. O, can I talk to you a sec? - Um - What is it? Is it my dad? He seems okay. No, no, he's fine. He's fine. It's just, um -- it's boring. It's boring as hell. Is it -- is it supposed to be exciting? It's supposed to grab you. But it does, right? I mean, it's -- it's so freakin' cool! Nobody's gonna give a *** about that. People have seen a trillion commercials. They're not gonna be drawn in by some crane shot and a bunch of old cars. O, I'd hate to see you spend all this money and then not end up doing any business. - Oh, oh, okay. - I'm sorry, I SoWhat do we do? Well, I-I don't know. Whew. Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on, hang on. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down. You okay? He you okay? - Just got to catch my -- catch my -- - All right. W-why is he doing that? Sorry, he just -- we're thinking about making some tweaks here. Sorry. It -- you know those commercials for Scarpulla Chevrolet? "Scarpulla, boyeeee"? They're terrible, but they're seared into your brain. Everybody remembers them. Don't get me wrong -- this looks great. It's just that This is totally forgettable. Well, don't get me wrong, either, but you better make a decision, 'cause every minute that goes by costs you money. Yeah, yeah, we're -- just hold on, okay? Um I think We're gonna need some help from Joe. All right? So you get your phone out, call him, see if he's still there, okay? You guys have a green screen? Quiet on the set, please! This is Thoreau Chevrolet commercial alternate version, take 1. Mark it! Seriously, guys? Go ahead. Okay. AndAction! At Thoreau Chevrolet, we're stuffed with deals. Okay. Hang on. That's good. Alright. But don't be afraid to go all out Cause that's what's gonna make this thing work. At Thoreau Chevrolet -- Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! -- There is no bull! Stupid's good, right? Yeah, stupid is good. My shadow! That means six more weeks of savings! I think this is more of a beaver. Surf's up! Prices are down. Oui la la to savings. Our prices are going, "timbe-e-e-r!". - So, he's Scarpulla, right? - Yeah, yeah, he's Scarpulla. Okay. - That's the spot? - Yeah, hit him again. I've saved all I can save, and I can't save no more! I saved me a pot o' gold at Thoreau! Leprechaun kick! I'm okay. We should shoot one for every holiday. Then you'd be set for a year. Nobody better come and turn me down ♪ Hail to the cheap! On, Camaro! On, Silverado! Our prices are egg-cellent! Cut it. Sorry. No. Cut. Yeah. Okay, cut. I want you to buy a new Chevy. Pick it up a little bit. I want you to buy a new Chevy! Goofier! Good. We're clearing out the old to make room for the new. This is a damn joke! Uh Never mind. He'll get over it. Okay, but this is the only holiday left, right? You get this, you'll never have to make another commercial again. Even an old man like me knows you get the best deals at Thoreau's. Any more stupid *** to do? Well, that was interesting. I hope I didn't step on your toes too much. As long as the client is happy, I'm happy. For a minute, I thought we were gonna go down in flames. But, like you said, I think that we're gonna have something that is going to be seared in people brains. I was just dancing as fast as I could there. You have a certain knack. Cobbling together a bunch of stupid ***. Yeah, I agree with that. Stupid is good. No, it takes a smart man to know when that's true. Yeah. Um, well, thanks. But I, uh used to act, but you know how that is, so Little secret -- directing's the only thing in this business where they let us old farts stick around. I think they think we're wise. Anyway Where's Owen? I want to thank him. I'm sorry, babe. I know. It's not right. You have all the kids, your own work stuff going on. Just We just have to turn the corner. I know. It's okay. This is what you have to do now. This is for us, too. It's just We miss you. I miss you, too. So come back soon, okay? Hi, pack rat. So, how did it go? Was a star born? No, I actually got replaced. What? Oh, God, you didn't rap, did you? No. We just -- we found a better way to do it, much simpler, much stupider. - Lawrence is in it. - Ah! It's gonna be great. Well, you really don't want to be the Thoreau car guy. No. Hey. Hmm? Look what I did today. To remind us of when we were young and foolish. It's hard to believe that used to be us, huh? Thanks. I guess. Mmm. I'm beat. Oh, me, too. I'm exhausted. I unpacked almost two whole boxes today. Oh, my God! Two whole boxes? Oh, I could hide 'neath the wings ♪ Of the bluebird as she sings ♪ Hey. You guys open? I got *** I need. Yeah, yeah. Well, we're about to open, but, yeah, yeah, come on in, man. Where's all your employees? You know, you ought to make them come in at the butt crack of dawn and open up. Yeah, me being the boss, it's got to be me. How are you? Haven't seen you in a while, man. How you feeling? Like ***. I got cancer, remember? Oh, yeah, I remember. Still doing it, though? The chemo? Of course I am. Actually, I'm in the market for a wig. We got a whole bunch. Those are all jokey, but What do you think? Is it me? Yeah. Like that. You want it? You got it. You know what? I'll throw in the employee discount for you. That's real nice of you. How about we just take it out of what you owe me? What I owe you? Bill called me up, dipshit. Oh. Did you seriously think you could trust that guy? He's desperate -- Look, look, look, it was just -- you know, one night, you were falling asleep, that's it. Just one game. And you said you didn't want it, so -- But that wasn't the end of it, was it, Joe? And a homecoming queen ♪ U know, he just -- he owes like $500. I'll just pay you back. Come on, man. Just take it easy. Come on, man. Look, you're sick. That's right! I am sick. Come on! I didn't mean anything by it! Oh, of course you didn't, 'cause you're an addict. And addicts, oh, they just can't help themselves, right, Joe? Well, you know what I say? I say ***. ***! Come on, Manfro! I'll pay you back! I thought you were my friend, Joe! I was gonna pay you back. Stop it! Come on, come on. Let's just talk about this. Get off of me! Look what you made me do! My tooth. Just go. Go, man. 'Cause my employees are gonna -- Come on! You know, they can save the tooth sometimes if you go to the dentist right away! And put it in milk. You okay, buddy? Yeah, I'm having a great day! Joe? Hey. Hey, give me a hand, will ya? I'm trying to find a tooth. Joe! Why would some homeless guy just come into the store and beat you up? How should I know? I saw the guy. At least, I think it was the guy. I think he came there to rob you and just didn't expect anybody to be there. He didn't even touch the cash register. So I don't know. What the hell? Let's just get there, 'cause I don't know how long this thing's gonna stay alive. Okay? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. This is your dentist? What other dentist would I go to? Why? They take forever. They'll just send you -- Joe. Dori. Hi. Oh, my God, is that -- Joe was attacked. Look, I'm the one who brought him here. I totally forgot. I'm the ***, not him. I'll get an exam room prepped. He should go in right away. Thanks. Sorry. Little old for fistfights, aren't we there, Mr. Tranelli? Yeah. I don't see any lacerations on the gums. We'll just stick the little guy back in the socket and just splint it to the surrounding teeth. Better get you numb. Dori, I need you in here! Last guy I did this for was in a car wreck. Tooth broke right through the bottom lip. It was just dangling there. And then there was this woman came in. She had her front teeth broken. Turns out she was a professional wrestler. Took a chair smack in the kisser. People say that that professional wrestling is all fake. I guess they didn't tell whoever she was wrestling. Okay. Bite down now for me. Hmm. Looks pretty good. Okay, well, I want to see you back here again in a week, and we'll see how it's holding. - Okay. - Unless there's some pain or swelling. I'll need you in 3 when you're finished in here. Dori, wait. Just, um You were right. Joe -- You were. About everything. I just I didn't think so. I, uh -- I thought I was a good guy. I need you in 3. Okay. I got to go. I called the store -- I told them to, you know, close up and leave everything where it is. I figured you'd want the police to look at the damage or take photos, or somethin'. Right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Somebody Should get over there and do something. Joe? Oh, hi. I'll wait for you downstairs. Okay? Look, I just want to say I'm sorry. Well, no, you know, I shouldn't have gotten all heavy on you in there. No. I just -- I should have at least given you an explanation. It's just When you told me about that big bet you made Hey You saw what you saw. It was scary. I-I was -- No. I had to break it off, but I just want you to know that it wasn't some little thing meeting you. I screwed up so many things. Well, hey, don't let bad Joe win, okay? 'Cause 'Cause good Joe's kind of awesome. I thought I pushed -- I thought I pushed "down. " Now, call me if you need anything, okay? Yeah, yeah. I'll be okay. Thanks. Carlos.