The Ricky Gervais Show S2E8 - English Transcript

For the past few years Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations. This is one of them. - Testing. - Is that all right? Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show" with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant - Hello. - And the little round-headed buffoon that is Karl Pilkington. Hi. One prediction for the future, Karl, is from an academic study of what the world will be like in about 75 years from now. And a big prediction they're sort of sure of is that androgyny will rule. But soon you won't even need a female or man in your life. You'll just need the egg or *** and, uh, you'll be able to have any coupling you want or not. Thoughts, Karl? That isn't what I've heard. What have you heard? So you read an academic study, Rick. Let's find out what Karl's been reading. I heard we're, you know, we're all gonna go ugly. Different point though, isn't it? That's a completely different point. Not listening to a word Ricky said. But go on. It's just if we all sort of go ugly, that will sort the population problem. He gets an extra syllable in the word "ugly. " - Mmm. - "Ugaly. " Ugly. "Ugaly. " So that just sorts the population out because people aren't sort of having their way. That doesn't sort What do you mean? Sorry, Rick. I don't understand what the hell he said there. Are you saying 'cause everyone's ugly everyone won't want to have it away more with the ugly person? - Yeah. - Okay, I still don't You seem to understand what he's talking about, Rick. I'm still confused. What he thinks is that if we're all ugly, then we'll still have this strange paradigm of beauty that won't exist so we won't fancy anyone as much. No no, they'll still sort of fancy Because at the end of the day, we're animals, aren't we? - Yeah. - We'll still have it away. But not as much as we like to do now because it's all based on looks. - But what's this go to do - What's this world like? Describe a typical town or country. Exactly, right. Imagine London. You've still got the Gherkin, you've still got the big wheel. It's just that everyone's ugly. Right. And they're doing all the same jobs, are they? Everyone's still Yeah. The world's got to carry on. What do they look like? What's ugly? Just imagine like haven't you ever seen anyone when you've just gone Pew, look at that? - Yeah. - Right, well, like that. Yeah, but hold on. 'Cause it's not like Because we have got better looking, haven't we? - If I look back now at a school photo - Yeah. You look at my class and you go, "What was going on then?" You can't tell the difference between some of the girls and blokes. When he said we've got better looking, I thought he was gonna talk about cavemen. Not his school photo. I mean, what happened to the There's been no evolution in that time. What are you talking about, Karl? We've got better looking now, haven't we? But we will change. Probably not in 75 years. I mentioned before about your little finger. There'll come a time when that'll go. I've said I've watched it. I've kept an eye on what my little finger's doing. Sometimes it does nothing. It never helps out. All the others are grabbing hold of stuff. That one just sort of sits there watching. So you could get rid of that and I think that will go in evolution. Think of the books he could have read when he was doing that. When he was monitoring his little finger. "I've been watching my little finger. " But again, if you shaved a caveman, it's basically us. - He's basically us. - He's basically Karl. Yeah. I think what's more interesting about the future, Karl, is the fact that technology integrated with humans will be fascinating. So for instance, they're talking about the fact that in the future we may even be able to have chips in our head to allow us to access the Internet or an equivalent of it directly, mentally. - So imagine that. - Not French fries. But hang on, though. At what point are we us then? - There you are, this is good. - Keep going. Go on. No, because if I if I can go on the Internet anytime, then that's gonna know more than me. - What does that mean? - Okay. When I don't know an answer to something now, which is a lot of stuff - Really? - Go on. You watch "University Challenge" and the stuff them kids on that know, I just think, "Where have they stored that?" For me, if something doesn't get used within a time period, that's it, it's forgotten. But basically you've got about the same hardware as those people. Honest to God, I haven't. I know I haven't. So what I'm saying is if I want to know the answer to something I go on the Internet. - Yeah. - Right. Now if I've got a chip in my head with Google on it, I'm never gonna use my head. I'll just be forever on Google. "I'm never gonna use my head. " - I'm not. - What do you think your head is though? I'm gonna get it wrong. The chances are I'll get it wrong. So divert that. It's like, say in No no, you can't bypass the brain straight to Google. When you're having a chat socially it's not like they go, "Alright, Karl, how are you?" And you're not there. You're asleep and Google's talking. "Oh, I think you'll find You want to see naked ladies? Come this way. " No, only for questions though that I don't know. But what I'm saying is, 'cause I don't know a lot of the answers, I'll just say forget it. Leave it connected to Google. - No no. - So then I'm not me anymore. Well, what are you doing? Where's you gone? I'm looking at Google. - So it is you? - No. But what Steve just said is - we'll have a chip in our head - Right. - That can access the Internet. - Right. - So why bother using your knowledge? - You're still the go-between. You, Karl, are the go-between between the Internet and whatever your mouth says. But you can't beat the Internet. It knows everything. Where does Google get the information from in the first place? Someone one of them bright people on "University Challenge. " A human being. Yeah, a human being. But I'm gonna get lazier. I don't watch "University Challenge" and go, "I want to be like them. I'm gonna start reading books. " I'm never gonna be like them. I can't play along. All I tend to do is I say to Suzanne, "Every question now, I'm gonna have 'egg' as the answer. " - And I'm hoping that one day - What an amazing game. What an amazing intellectual position that is. What a lucky lady. What does Suzanne say to that? Well, she just sees if it works. She just plays along. And then I'm saying, "Oh it might be this one, whatever. I love that 'cause I remember once it was about five years ago, Karl and Suzanne were around near Christmas and me and Jane were there. We were playing different parlor games like charades and that. And then one game, you have to do that thing where you have to be and you have to do animals. You have to go First one is A then B. So you say "Aardvark," next one goes "beaver," next one goes "cat. " It came to Karl. He panicked and he went "egg. " And he was all there. So you're sat there watching "University Challenge" and on a good night it's, you know, "Well-known jeweler Faberge is well known for his jewel encrusted what? Egg. " "Humpty Dumpty's commonly pictured as being? Egg. " That's what I'm saying. If you keep saying the same thing, eventually It's like a broken watch. - "Karl Pilkington's head looks like a?" - Yeah. - I've just got more chance at getting it right. - Sure. But also he told me when he plays "University Challenge," he says he's given up ever trying to get an answer. So now he tries to guess who's gonna answer the question. Another great thing Suzanne's roped in on. Unbelievable. How'd you do with that? I'm normally all right on that. "I'm normally all right on that. " There's go to be something else to watch. There's another evolution thing, though. When you watch brainy people on that all wearing glasses - Yeah? - What does that tell you? We are reading too much. - We're wearing the eyes out. - Mmm. - Maybe. - You can't argue with that, - because the evidence is there. - Well, you can. Okay, one more go. What do you mean? - The chip in the brain - Mmm. Isn't part of filling your head with stuff, the journey of filling it with that stuff. What do you mean? Whereas if I just say if you had a baby. The baby pops out, it cries a bit. They go, "Right, what do you want want your baby to be interested in?" And you say, "I want it to be a plumber. " "Right, when it's two we're gonna stick a plumber chip in its head. " - Right. - Yeah. It's not right, is it? No. No. I don't know why you chose plumber either. - We still need plumbing. - I know we do. It's odd that they would have chosen they've got such such kind of small ambitions for their baby. It's what his granddad did. And he, you know, they want the sort of thing to go through the business. They own a plumbing business. They want the baby to carry on the business. They want the baby to be able to plumb. What about this chip in the head? But you've made this up. They're not putting chips in babies' heads. - I thought you said they were. - When did I say that? I think Steve's right. I don't know, I haven't read it. But I imagine he's saying it's the next step in convenience with technology an interface between the human and a research tool or fun. You know, computers went from being the size of a room to a thing you can wear on your watch. So the next step may be we won't forget your palmtop, you won't forget your iPod, you won't forget your laptop. It's in there. It's an interface. I know, but it makes us lazy. Karl, it's not a question of It's not that Google is now Karl. It looks like Karl but it's just spamming, you know, little pop ups about offers you can buy and all that cheap holidays here and there. "He's not the man I married. " - Right, look at it like this. - Jesus. - I see it all the time now. - Go on. You go, "Where are you going?" to someone. And they go, "I'm going to Dorset. " "Oh, aye? What road are you taking?" "Don't know. I'll just pop on the sat-nav. " Now that's the start, isn't it? Okay, let's act that out with me, okay? I'm going away for the weekend, Karl. - Are you? - Yeah. - Where you going? - Dorset. Oh yeah? How you getting there? Uh, car. Oh, right. Which way you going? Um, don't know. Why, why do you want to know? Just making a friendly chat. Just, you know, I'm interested in geography. Which way you going? I don't know, really. I've got a sat-nav in my car. - Oooh. - What's the matter? - Are you using it? - I'm just a pigeon. - I don't - Have you got an A-Z? Well, yeah. It's on the computer the A-Z. What's the difference between looking at an A-Z and - Bit lazy though. - Not really, no. No, why? Why is it any different that I've got a it computerized so I can go along? Actually, it's a bit dangerous, isn't it? Don't have to go to A-Z while you're driving along. Clive, who are you talking to? We need to hit the road. We need to get going. It's this *** idiot who wants to know what road I'm taking, which is a *** boring thing to ask anyway. Sorry, who is this ***? We've got to get going. *** ***. I think he's an A-Z salesman. Just tell him we're using the sat-nav. We've got a sat-nav. It's the quickest, most efficient way of doing it. - But look what's happened. - Who the *** are you? Would Columbus found America if he'd have had a sat-nav? Yes, he would have put in America and it would have taken him to America. He only found it 'cause he got lost. - Now if everybody - Hold on, hold on. How would an undiscovered country been on a sat-nav? - No. - Go on. What's the difference between the sat-nav and a map in that regard? Because I've found some lovely little cafes on roads I've never been on. I love he's gone from finding a continent to a little cafe. I love that. I love that. - Little greasy spoon. - I am off to discover the unknown world. "Where you going?" "I don't know yet. It's the unknown world. " "What are you taking?" "Just a boat. " "Oh, lazy. Swim, you ***. " I love the fact that he's so luddite now he's annoyed with the sat-nav. I mean you'd have probably given Columbus a hard time. "Oh, got a compass. Don't you know where north is, you ***?" I just think there's something in being lost. I never feel lost. I just think, "Oh, I've had a diversion. " Because you find You find new things. Meanwhile Suzanne's asking the French peasant where the I just think, you know, Columbus What's the most interesting thing you've found when lost? Like I say, they're normally I found a shop that was like a fancy dress shop. - Amazing. - Do you need fancy dress stuff? Dressed up as Columbus, went and bought a sat-nav. Went to Dorset for the weekend. You never go out. Why do you need a fancy dress shop? That sounds like the one thing you would hate, is fancy dress. No, but I like looking at the They have like a space helmet in there. Right, so you found a fancy dress shop. Where were you supposed to be going that you had time to get sidetracked? I think I was going to a meeting. That is the last time You don't want to get lost if you go to a meeting. No, 'cause I always give myself loads of time - 'cause I get lost a lot. - Get a sat-nav. No, I'm just saying that's how you find little treats along the way. Next time you pass it, or next time someone says, "Do you know where the fancy dress shop is? " You go, "Yeah, I do. " No idea 'cause I was lost. I didn't know where it was. "I'm not gonna tell you. Lazy ***. Have you got an A-Z?" "That's harsh. " "Yeah, find it yourself, you lazy ***. " - So - What have you learned? You keep going on about all this leaning. - What have you learned? - Yeah, what have you learned? - When? - Okay, sum up sum up mankind's foray into the future. I want this This will be the introduction to a book about the future that will then be read in 100 years' time. It'd go "Karl Pilkington was the most prophetic genius that's ever walked the earth. These are his words from 2010. " Just some predictions that you think just sum up just sum up I believe Start off with, "I, Karl Pilkington believe that mankind in the future will" Okay, start off with that. And then what? Just have, like, a top five? Or maybe just predictions. Yeah, okay. Okay, yeah. And then a little and then a little thing to remember. - And remember ye this. - "I, Karl Pilkington, predict that in the future mankind will" - Uh - Start off with that. Start off with that sentence. I've given you that one. All right, I'm Karl. And, uh, the future. - He's already gone off road. - It's a scary place. But the future's gonna happen. All right? There's no getting away from that. Yup. Your predictions are We're all - It's not a sound bite. - Keep going. Give him space. This is in a book. I've got to think about - Don't want to get it wrong. - Okay, think first. Think and then say it. Okay, starting from now. These words of wisdom will be inscribed on the wall of a museum one day. Proceed. I think trousers are gonna be stopped being made. But because you see kids now they've got pants around their ankles. They're going further and further down. So I think that's evolution, just getting rid of the trouser. It's just dropping naturally. That's the evolution of the trouser? 'Cause it's dropping increasingly down the ***? You can see kids' underpants. So they're just dropping. I think they'll get to a point when they just don't bother wearing them anymore. Prediction one. That's an amazing one. They'll stop making trousers in the future. Okay. Uh We're gonna get weaker. - That's already happened. - Mm-hmm. Uh They used to say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. Now they're saying eat five fruits. Right. So definitely that's evidence. You can't argue with that. I'd probably put that first 'cause he'd go, "He's right. What's number two?" - So swap that around. - Okay, that's number one. - Give 'em the pants second. - Yup. I'm gonna die. - I'm gonna die. - Okay, number three? "They used to say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. " "They used to say"! "They used to say, 'Pull your trousers up. '" now they say, "Pull 'em down, you ***. " I've never heard such *** drivel. Number three. Right, number three. Oh, the scholars are now waiting with bated breath when they find this old scroll and they go, "Oooh, what can number three be?" Uh I reckon we'll blend all our food. Oh God. I honestly thought there he was gonna make a point about race. I never thought it would be "We'll blend all our food. " Like they do for babies, you mean? Yeah, I just think When you think about all the stuff we eat now, cavemen chewing on big lumps of meat, we had wisdom teeth. Now we took 'em out. We're not using them. Why are you not using them? 'Cause your food's soft. Sorbet, soups. Uh - You know, everything's soft. - Just those two. When you get an avocado they say is it soft? Everyone's squeezing the food before they buy it. - No one wants anything tough. - Yeah. So I think chewing - is a thing of the past. - A thing of the past. We haven't got the time to chew. Everyone's like, "Hurry up, eat that. " Don't have to go out for dinner with Ricky. He's like, "Hurry up. " I'm still eating here. He does blend his food, I think. - Okay, so blending food. - Great. Uh I reckon What else do we do now? I've done teeth. I've done trousers. I've come up with this idea. These sort of, like, glasses but you can live wherever you want to live. What do you mean? Everything that's real, you're not looking at that anymore. This is really the future. I'd put this at number 10. - This is like - We're only doing five. *** me. So what you mean is you look through the glasses and instead of seeing the real world, - you see a tropical paradise. - What you want to see. So if you're a young kid and you like the idea of living in the urban ghetto with all graffiti on the walls and that you can see that. Yeah, but hold on. Aren't you walking around? 'Cause you'll be bumping into stuff, won't you? - No. - Why not? What you mean is that the stuff that's there in the real world is being digitally reimagined in your glasses. So what was a nice country lane is suddenly now an urban ghetto. - It's got loads of graffiti on it. - Absolutely mental. Pointless. Would never work. - One of the maddest things you've ever said. - Really weird, that one. It could be done. I reckon it could be easily done. Okay, that last one that's number four. That's a load of ***. So what's number five? They'll be more letters in the alphabet. - Why? - Why? 'Cause we're running out of words now, aren't we? - No, we're not running out of words. - We are. We are definitely running out of words. Just using the letters we've already got and making new words. - No, but we haven't got enough now. - Course we have. Have you any idea You could have a word with nine ls before you run out. Yeah, and they do in wales and what have you. That's because their alphabet is shorter than ours. They've only got something like 24 letters over there. - Right. - They go mental with the l. Now what we do is we've got 26 letters, but we are now struggling. - We're not struggling at all. - We are. - We're not. - Boswellox in shampoo. Now there's a word where they've gone and invented something. We've got something we're putting in shampoo. - Boswellox? - Boswellox. - You just made that up. - No, it's now they go, "New with boswellox. " Yeah, but that's a new word because they have to come up with a new word. - But it's a terrible word. - Why? - Boswellox. - It's another word. - Is that real? - Yeah, boswellox. This is what I'm saying. So years ago when they came up with all the sensible ingredients Uh, sodium. - Sodium! - That sounds all right. He likes sodium. He doesn't like boswellox. 'Cause it sounds like something in it, like an ingredient. Well, yeah. But that's because you're used to it. Is this a load of boswellox? Are you winding me up, the two of you? It's real. And that's because 26 letters, we've wasted them. Years ago we went mental with the, you know, pneumonia Sticking a p on it. There's loads of words where you go, "What's that letter doing in there?" Whereas now you can't do that. They've gone, "Whoa, pull that back. Why's that letter there?" And now you've got stuff like abbreviations and stuff. Let's not waste letters. Let's just control it a little bit. Cars are called things like, you know, GTI or something 'cause they're going, "I can't think of a word to call it. " So they're giving 'em letters. Think of a word now. Think of a word that hasn't been made up. - What do you mean? - Tell me a word that hasn't been made up. - All words have been made up. - No, one that hasn't that could be used. Say if I invent something now to put in shampoo. What can I call it? Quick. - Cranbruly. - No, it's too close. No, we can't get that past the advertising person. - Scrimpton. - Scrimpton? Yeah. Ricky had two goes and you accepted his second one. Well, I think we've I think we've sorted out the future. Wow. Since obviously the days of Nostradamus, there's been many people who've tried to foresee the future. Karl, I'm not sure if you're familiar but there's endless, you know, predictions. Apparently the are other planets that may collide with ours. You know there's some scientific basis on this. But if you knew with certainty that today was the end of the world, how would you spend that final day? So, for instance, I've always wanted to smash up a bar. Do you know what I mean? It seems strange but I've always wanted the exhilaration of just smashing all those bottles like you see in a film. But would you enjoy it as much knowing that you were gonna die in eight hours? I don't know. I suppose it's the sense of abandon, you know? Maybe I'd *** a person. - Wow. - I don't know, but I think I'd probably go mental. I've always been a very reserved person, you know? I've never gotten into a fight, never caused a rumpus. Yeah, but that's a worrying thought because we'd have to have the end of the world for it to be the end of your world. 'Cause a lot of people know that they're terminally ill. So they don't go around smashing up bars and killing people. But I suppose I know there'll be no repercussions ultimately - because the next day everyone's gone. - They're gonna die anyway. So there's not gonna be mourning families. But then how dare you deprive that person of his last eight hours or 10 hours of life? Um, I don't care because it's the last day on earth. What would you do? I've always wanted to kick a duck up the ***.