In The Heat of The Noche

Guys, I am loving my job at Chuckles & Huggs. It is great. Who wants to see pics? Groan. Farting noise. Come on. What kind of monster doesn't want to see a pic of me, a chubby Korean kid, and a state-of-the-art bubblebot 9000 bubble machine? Me. Farting noise. But I'm doing the gunnam style dance. Gan-nam style? Gang-ang. You gotta swallow the G's, the N's and the m. (WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY) Gangnam style. Yes! I am just so happy Mm-hmm. Well, I love my job, too, but winter is a terrible time for the food truck industry. I mean, business has been slower than a WNBA fast break. Tell me about it. Winter is terrible for the store industry. Store industry? Is that what it's called? Oh, Penny. (WHISPERS) Yeah. Hey, Max. You think I could bum a bowl of cereal? Haven't had a carb in four years. Feeling nostalgic. Oh, I remember that crouton. You named it Sonya. Oh! Wow! Cereal prizes have gotten awesome. Okay, you know what? The phone is mine. I was hiding it in the cereal box 'cause I can't stop texting Jason, this new hunk of butter than I'm seeing. I texted him, like, 11 times last night. How is that even possible? Well, first, I texted him to see if he wanted to go see that new gay four tops cover band, the four tops. Then he texted me back, "I'm actually more of a Smokey Robinson man," to which I texted him back, "I second that emoticon," smiley face. So... (LAUGHS) Then I texted him, like, nine times to make sure he got that joke. Maxima Herbert Blum, what if I were to tell you I knew a way for you to stop texting Jason and regain all of the power in your relationship? Well, Penny Aziz Hartz, I'd tell you I'm intrigued. (DRAMATICALLY) Then I'd tell you to come to my home tonight at 6:00 pm. Sharp. (DRAMATICALLY) Most likely because she has a dramatic speaking class at 7:00, and it's too late to cancel. (LAUGHS) Ooh. Would not eat that cereal. It came with the apartment. Ugh. (GAGGING) Careful, baby girl. (GASPS) Ooh, would not drink that water. (SPUTTERS) Hope you got your shot! Ugh! (GASPS AND GRUNTS) Ooh! That is not ***! It's a water sample I'm collecting in my lawsuit against the building. Ugh! (MUFFLED SCREAMS) Ah. Idiot. Al, no! (MOUTH FULL) What? Oh. Right. the cereal. Ew! (BOWL THUDS) Hey, um... BRAD: That's... Toilet water. (GARGLES) (SWALLOWS) We're all good. Good day for your boy Ethan, man. Yeah. He was a lord on the big boy slide. And he really seems to have gotten a handle on that whole biting other kids' mouths problem. I don't know. It's weird. Well, I'll see you guys tomorrow. All right. Take care, Cody. Way to own that ball pit today, Sarah. See you later, menacing repo men. Wait. What are you guys doing? No payments, no bubbles. Sorry, babe. Did you just call me "babe"? Hey, Terry, um, some repo guys said we haven't been making our bubblebot payments. Is everything okay? Brad, when my partner Robert Huggs and I opened this place in early March 2010, the last thing I ever thought would happen is that my partner Robert Huggs would die in late March 2010. He was a business mind. I was a dreamer. Right. Um... So what, that... We're just a little behind on our bills? Or... We're not gonna close or anything? Right? We're not gonna close. Brad, I can't say for certain if we're gonna stay open or close, but I can say for sure we're probably gonna close. (PATS ARM) Um... What? (PANTING) Did you run here? No. I took a cab. So... What's your secret solution to my texting problem? Jason's got all the power in your relationship, and if you want it back, it's simple. You just need to not text him until he texts you. (WHINES) I can't. I really, really, really wanna text him. Everything I see reminds me of him... A train going through a tunnel, an oil rig exploding, two gay guys having sex. You are watching way too much stock footage and gay ***, and I can't fix that, but I can fix your power problem. Noche Tussin. My mom got it from Mexico because it's discontinued in the States and in Mexico, which is why the Mexicans smuggle it from Nicaragua, where it's also illegal. It's made in Libya in a neighborhood of Tripoli called "little Mexico." "Warning! Good luck." Mmm-hmm. So you just down a dose before dinner and sleep a tight 14. You can't text while you're sleepin'! You smellin' what I'm passin'? No, Pen. Be a lady. Look, I'll even do it with you. I used to do this all the time. Pete's off on a golf trip, and I don't want to bug him about wedding details. I don't wanna seem needy. I wanna seem powerful. Okay, Pen, with all due respect, and I appreciate you helping me, but I don't need to knock myself clear out to avoid texting someone. Really? Because you're purposely pocket texting him right now. (THUMPING STOPS) Yeah. (WHOOSHING SOUNDS) (SNORES) (THUD) (SNORES) (THUD) (HARP PLAYS GLISSANDO) MAX: Oh, my God! Penny, get in here! (BEEP) Not only did I not text Jason... He texted me! Of course it worked. I got a text, too. Power officially regained. High fives all around. (BOTH GRUNTING) Yeah, it is! (GROANS) Ooh. I forgot to tell you about the one side effect. One side of your body is affected by temporary paralysis. Mmm-hmm. Wow. I can't believe Chuckles & Huggs might be closing. I know. What am I gonna do without those kids? What are those kids gonna do without that gym? (SIGHS) Where's Terry gonna store all his 9/11 research? This sucks. Dave's been playing a lot of guitar lately. Some would say too much. I would say too much. Just tryin' to release an EP. By end of winter. "End of winter" is the name of his band. Just gotta find distribution for the darn thing. "The darn thing" is the name of their EP. Okay, I hate all of that. Brad, I know how you can save the gym. What is your favorite movie? High school high. Okay. What is your second favorite movie? Anaconda! Ugh! (GROANS) What is your 23rd favorite movie? Sister Act 2. Back in the habit? (GASPS) Yeah! Okay, so think about it. You can save Chuckles & Huggs the way Whoopi Goldberg saved that Catholic school. Oh. Whoopi was so hot in that movie. (GROANING) Right. Wait. How am I supposed to give 14 consecutive orgasms to a brick building? (MOUTHS) Fourteen! Oh! Right! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah! One of 'em. One of 'em. Yeah. Mmm! I'm gonna totally save Chuckles & Huggs! (LAUGHS) (PLAYS CHORD) BRAD: Hold up. That's not the right vibe. Oh. My bad. (PLAYING UPBEAT CHORDS) Ooh! That's the stuff. Yeah! It is. (GIGGLES) Okay, Terry, so I looked through your books... Which are actually just young adult novels you've shoved receipts into. And technically speaking, we're in some deep deuce. Hey, look at that. I did have snake insurance. Terry, this is just the back of a jury summons that says, "Like a good neighbor, snake farm is there" would be a great slogan for a snake insurance company. Hey, great idea, Brad. Okay. Look... Your first problem is, we're only scheduling one birthday party a day when we could easily schedule six. Great. Six what? Six parties, bro. And check this out. Your food budget is through the roof, man. You order ten pizzas a day. Oh, that's a typo. That should say 100. What? 100 piz... How many actually get eaten? Well, usually about ten. Are you shrooming right now? No. Are you a cop? (SIGHS) Forget it. Look, I did some research, and it turns out other gyms have all kinds of entertainment. And we should, too, which is why I'm gonna round up The Traveling Wilburys? No, Terry! How am I gonna get the Traveling Wilburys? Two of 'em are dead! I'm talking about my friends, damn it! It's my friends! Alex, how would you like to come do arts and crafts with the kids at Chuckles & Huggs? Oh, Brad, I'd love to but I'm super busy right now. (CRICKETS CHIRPING) I have got a serious cricket infestation I'm trying to deal with. Who am I kidding? I'm in. David, how would you like to come play music for the kids? Sure, bro, but I'm gonna play my music my way. (STRUMS CHORD) ♪ Alone in a box forever ♪ You're deceased, you're deceased! ♪ Okay, maybe you're not right for this. No, no! No, no! I'll play any music any way. What time's sound check? Don't tell me. I wanna be surprised. I'm in! What... How did you know what I was gonna say? So I talked to Alex. And I would do anything to help my hot-*** Whoopi. (CHUCKLES) I know what kids like. Yes. Perfect. Then I will teach them how to access their web browsing history. (CHUCKLES) Okay. All right. All right. All right. I'll teach 'em how to organize a militia. (CLICKS TONGUE) No. Immigration law, intricacies of... You keep working on that. Okay, I'll keep working on it. Like that wasn't perfect. (LAUGHS) Okay. (HUMMING) (GASPS) Ooh. "Ten must-haves for a memorable wedding." Oh. (WHISPERS) I gotta text Pete! But I can't. But I want to! But I can't. Can I? I haven't texted him all damn day. How much power does a gal actually need? (CELL PHONE CLATTERS) Where did you come from? What are you gonna do, text Pete and give him all the power right back? I know. I messed up. That was a close call. But I'm glad you're here. Thank you. You're welcome. What's going on with you? Weak. Spineless. Disgusting. (CELL PHONE BUZZES) You know, just a garbage dog full of... Now that I'm gettin' fresh eyes on it, who's to say who can text whom and when they can text that person and what about? (SLAPS) Did you not just hear your own offensive rant? Jason texted me "What up." He deserves to know what up! Max. Use your thick brain. Okay? Sure, we didn't text for a day. Okay. We got some power. Pretty good. But you know what's better than some power? No. More power. Ah. And the more power we have, then the more power... BOTH: We'll have. (WHOOSHING SOUNDS) (THUD) What a great morning. Ah, after another successful text-free night. I feel amazing. I feel fresher than a daisy... Fuentes. Joke. And no one's burned her in a while. Yeah. (DOOR OPENS) Uh, Penny? Why's it 4:00 am.? (NEWSPAPER THUDS) Oh, no. We must've built up a tolerance to the Noche Tussin. You know what we have to do, right? BOTH: Double the dose. (THUD) ♪ Love times love ♪ Divided by love ♪ Equals love to the power of love ♪ CHILDREN: Boo! Guys, come on! Those are all my songs. How could you not like any of 'em? Because they're doody. CHILDREN: Yeah! You want doody? You want doody? I'll give you doody! ♪ Doody ♪ Doody, doody ♪ Doody CHILDREN: Yeah! ♪ Doody ♪ Doody, doody ♪ Doody ♪ (CHILDREN CHEERING) (GASPS) Thank you, pretty little princess. It's actually really good. I didn't realize kids could do stuff. (LAUGHS) TERRY: Wow, Brad. I haven't seen this many people in here since the time I accidentally checked in on Grindr. Thanks. You remind me of the late Robert Huggs. (GASPS) Minus the scars from the botched "Face/off" surgery. Uh, thanks. Uh, babe, where are all the kids? I don't know. I don't understand why they didn't want to watch a riveting documentary about natural gas extraction. Yeah. Well, why not try something a little more on their level? Yeah. Like, what did I like when I was a kid? (GASPS LOUDLY) Writing love letters to my childhood crush Boris Yeltsin! Oh. No. So I finished my fourth encore of "the doody song," and it's pandemonium! I mean, I get so caught up in the moment, I smash my guitar! Regretted immediately. Had to drop three bills on a new axe. So, yeah, pretty epic afternoon. God, it feels so good to have an audience again. I mean, that rush! That energy! A kid threw a diaper up on the stage. Oh, come on. Jealous called. They want "much" back so they can form the following sentence... Jealous much? Not great. It's pretty good. (DOOR BELLS JINGLE) Bye. (CHUCKLES) (DOOR CLOSES) No. I love your store. Oh, well, then come see the new winter fashions. Yeah? Triple medium, small big, and horse jockey large. Oh, you know, my cousin is a jockey, but he's a medium. Oh. You know, but I do love your bracelet. Oh! Actually, we don't carry this in the store. Oh, that's too bad. You know, I saw a similar one selling down the street for, like, 150, but they were all sold out. Whoa. For 150, I'll sell you this one. Oh, great! Okay, I think I have $150 in cash on me. Oh, you meant $150. (WHISPERS) Damn! (BOTH SNORING) (SNORTS) Uh! (SNORTS) Ooh. I gotta tell ya... (YAWNING) That was the best 29 hours of sleep I've ever gotten. And if you remember correctly, I was once in a coma. This is the life. We feel terrific. We look even better than we feel, which, as you'll remember, is terrific. How...how did we not know power was amazing? Kanye wrote a song about it. Emily and Merrill Boothe named their son after it. Powers Boothe. Are you not watching Nashville? Get on it. Look at this text from Pete. "Penny, why aren't you responding? Are you okay? "I'm genuinely concerned about you." (BOTH LAUGHING) Pathetic! Pete, are you genuinely concerned about how much power I have over you? 'Cause you should be. (LAUGHS) Well, I'm bushed. I think I'm gonna turn in. (YAWNS) Yeah, mama's pyooped! Just gonna grab a quick pull Mmm-hmm. (WHISPERS) Okay. Nothing to freak out about. We just need to get some more of that stuff right now. I can't get any more. What do you mean you can't get any more? There's not enough for both of us. (GASPS) Oh, God! (OBJECTS CLATTERING) Aah! (GASPS) (GASPING) (PANTING) (BOTH SOBBING) ♪ Doody ♪ Doody ♪ Doo ♪ Doody ♪ Doody ♪ Doody, doody, doody ♪ Doody ♪ ♪ Doody ♪ ♪ Doody, doody, doody, doody doo ♪ Doody-doody ♪ ♪ Doody-doody ♪ Doody, doody, doody ♪ Doody ♪ Doody ♪ Doody ♪ Doody ♪ Okay! Well, kids love doody. (LAUGHS) Brad... May I call you Brad? It's better than yesterday when you called me Reggie. Thanks for everything. I know Robert Huggs is looking down on us, smiling. Literally. He's buried on the roof. Face down with a smile on his face. Well, technically, it's someone else's face. (PATS ARM) (GAGS LOUDLY) Wow, man. Aw, thanks, man. Oh, Terry told me you used to work in finance? Terry says a lot of things. Yesterday, he told me he's concerned he may be immortal. That is concerning. Yes. But, uh, yeah, I did work in finance. Oh. And we checked up on you, and I think you'd be a great fit. Would you ever consider coming to work for us? Uh... Wow. Think about it. All right. Nope. Turning around. Out we go. So listen, guys. Out of nowhere, I got offered a job today. What? No. You can't leave the gym. I have a huge order to fill. I need 500 units by end of week... What? And I gotta prove that I'm not a one-hit wonder. I know I've got more than just doody in me. And I really wanna find a way to relate to those little, um... Yep. Real helpful, guys. Thanks. You know what? I think I need to go to my thinking spot. This part of the condominium just really helps me clear my head. (DRAMATICALLY) Hello, Max. Thank you for coming. I have something very important to discuss with you. Please, um, have a seat. I live here. I have something very important to discuss with you. (WHISPERING) Can you stand up for a second? Can you stand up for a second? (DRAMATICALLY) Please, have a seat. "Max Blum, I called you here today because I want you to know... (VOICE BREAKS) "Your behavior has affected me in the following way." "You always..." "Penny Hartz, I called you here today because I want you to know... (VOICE BREAKS) "Your, uh, your behavior has affected-..." What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm interventioning you. No, that's impossible, because I'm interventioning you. (SCOFFS) BOTH: "You've disappointed me in the following ways, Dad!" You said "Dad," too. Did you get your intervention from interventiontemplates.com? Yeah. (LAUGHS) What are we doing? We're being a couple of world-class idiots. (PAPER RUSTLES) I mean... You know what? Since I've been up for three consecutive hours, I'm starting to think my power theory was a little wack. Yeah, and that Mexican sleeping juice? Phew! It has done a number on the old central nervous system. Check this out. It's not on. That's another thing. I can't tell when stuff is on or off anymore. (CHUCKLES) At least we only hurt ourselves. (BOTH LAUGHING) Hey, Pete! Thank god you're okay. I was so worried. You didn't answer any of my texts, so I canceled the rest of my trip, and I came home as soon as I could. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. We were doing this whole power thing. And it's so stupid. It just...it got out of hand. And honestly, I'm so sorry. I'm so stupid. Everybody, everyone... Hey, listen up. So here's the deal. I got offered a great job. But I love it here so much, and you all mean so much to me, so I decided to turn it down and stay here with you guys. Really? In this economy? Um... Yeah. You gotta make that skrillah if you're gonna hang on to this vanilla. BOY: Yeah. Inappropriate, but thank you. Brad, you love business stuff. I mean, look at how much fun you had turning this place around. (INHALES DEEPLY) Yeah. I mean, Whoopi was great at mixing it up with those very troubled inner city Catholics, but she was still a Vegas lounge singer at heart. And you're a businessman at heart. (STRAINED VOICE) I do love business. (NORMAL VOICE) I like taking care of it, I love gettin' down to it. (LAUGHS) I love minding my own. Love it as usual or mixing it with pleasure. (LAUGHS) Yeah, you're right. I'm gonna take that job. I'm gonna take it. You gonna be okay, Terry? Oh, we gonna be fine, Reggie. I'll keep the gym running using all the business knowledge you taught me, and that $2.5 million I inherited when my Aunt Doris was crushed by that satellite. Mmm, yeah. I'm gonna miss you, Terrence Chuckles. (LAUGHS) Aw! (BOTH LAUGH) Congrats, dude. (SIGHS) Looks like we both made it. Proud of you, man. I'm proud of you, too. I just wish I could've found my thing. You know, like you guys did with the... Little guys. Yes. Them, too. Well... (SIGHS) If there's two things I've learned working at Chuckles & Huggs, it's never use the bathroom after Terry's been in there cookin'... And all kids love squish mountain. What is squish mountain? Squish mountain! (CHILDREN SHOUTING PLAYFULLY) (THUD) Oh, my God! I found what I'm good at! Squish mountain! (LAUGHS) This is so rewarding! ♪ Squish mountain, yeah ♪ I need to go pee! But you just went to the bathroom five hours ago, and I know I haven't given you any water since then. (GASPS LOUDLY) Whatcha doin'? (SIGHS) Runnin' a real tight ship. Gonna have a thousand units by E.O.D Monday. Do you know what the margin is on these things? We are talking pure profit. (LAUGHS) Oh, my God. I'm running a child labor ring, aren't I? Yes! Absolutely, yes! Yes. 100%. Okay. Okay, guys. Come on, let's go! Let's go! Let's go and play! Whoo! Come on. This was just a game. Wasn't it fun? (STATIC CRACKLES)