Flight of the Conchords S2E10 - English Transcript

Uh... we're being way too loud? Yes, but this is regarding the rent. - Oh, we've paid our rent. - We've paid our rent. - You gave me a check. - We gave you that check. - Yeah. - Yeah, but I've been collecting the checks and I just went to the bank to deposit them and they're in the wrong currency. - What? - They're in new zealand dollars. - Mm-hmm. - Oh, they're probably... - yeah, our checkbook is... - it's a new zealand account. - New zealand account. - Yeah, I need you to pay rent in American dollars. - Okay. - Retroactively... and future actively. Well, we can't do anything in the past. No, but you could pay me now for the mistakes of the past. - Yeah. - How much do we owe? Over the past two years, you've come up short and you owe me $7,727. - Yeah. - Is that American dollars or real dollars? - American. - that... we owe you that much? - Yeah, and for new zealand dollars, you would owe... ...that much. Yeah. - $77,000. - Yeah. Yeah. - Can we give you an I.o. U? - No. No. - In American dollars, not in new zealand dollars. - Oh, no. - No, I'm gonna need... I prefer the money. - The money. - Yeah. - Soon? - Yeah. Uh-huh. - Let me handle this, Bret. - Can I be honest with you? - Yes. We don't have any... anywhere near that amount of money. When do you think you will have that amount of money? - May I? - Yes. Okay, here... here it is. Umm... - whoa. - Ooh. - Never. - I'm going to give you a month. You have a month to pay your rent, otherwise you have to leave. - Well... - can we choose which month? No. - Evicted? - Mmm. - By whose authority? - The landlord. - Why? - Just because we were paying with new zealand dollars instead of American dollars. Okay, so he's a racist and now you're homeless. - Yeah, it's really terrible. - Oh, Bret. - Present. - Jemaine. - Present. - Well, Murray, present. I think it might be time, guys. - What for? - To stage your lives as an off-broadway musical. - Oh. - Oh, yeah, of course. Is there a more practical solution? - No, just... - one that relates to our problem? Look at this. It's time to show you, okay? I've been writing this for two years... secretly, all right? It's a musical, like "mamma mia"... - "mamma mia"? ...but this is your musical. All right? It's your story. - A musical? - Yeah, about your lives. We haven't got anywhere to live, and you're saying we should put on... maybe we should put on a musical? I think so. The opportunity has arisen to present this to you, okay? It's about a couple of deadbeat guys from new zealand - who have got nothing going on. - Wait, who are those characters? Jemaine and Bret. It's... it's based on you, - and you come to America with a dream. - How insulting. - It says "two hopeless losers." - Yup, that's you. You're down and out. At the beginning you've got nothing and you start at the bottom, but with a bit of hard work and the help of a savvy manager who shows you the light... - who's that? - Oh, that's a character who's based on me, loosely based on me... you make it to the top. Our story is the story of two guys who start at the bottom and with a lot of hard work continue along the bottom and finally end up at the bottom. Oh yeah, that's an intriguing scenario. - Yeah, it's a rags- to-rags story. - Yeah, imagine it. Yeah, did you see the one about the guys who started at the bottom, stayed at the bottom and at the end they were still at the bottom? - Oh. Yes, that's our lives. - So inspirational. - Who'd go and see that? - L... I think I'd see that. - I would go see that. - It's more realistic. You're thinking that you're at the end of your tether now, but what if this is just the beginning of your story? Then it's a slow start, isn't it? This is good stuff, okay? I was writing this and at the same time I was reading it. I couldn't put it down. - Take a look at the end. - What happens at the end? At the end you end up staging yourselves a big broadway musical - and it's a great success. - Yeah, but that doesn't mean it's gonna happen like that. Well, everything so far has turned out, Bret, okay? Yeah, but that's because it's based on truth... this is our story... and then you just made up the end with a musical. Some of it's in the future. But look at this scene. Iook, you come into my office and I tell you about the musical I've written. It's just like now. - Really? - Yeah. - Oh yeah, you say "really?" - There you go. You've got "really?" here. I knew you'd say that. - The thing is... - oh, we're supposed to be singing. Yeah, when I tell you the news, and here you love it and you get up on your chairs and sing, but... - that's not gonna happen. - Trust me, guys, this is gonna be great. This is our last resort. It sure is. Can we stay at your place tonight, Murray? Yeah, sure, but I've only got one bed and I grope people in my sleep. It's a condition. It's one of the reasons I had to leave the new zealand army. We'll just stay on the co... on the floor. I'll probably find you there. I tend to... I really reach out. - I'll sleep in the kitchen. - Mmm, okay. Mmm, never mind. - No? - We'll find somewhere. Yeah, don't worry about it. That's actually better for the story, if you're homeless. "Two homeless deadbeats go out onto the streets." Wow, this is great stuff. I'm sorry I can't help you guys out, but I think the other guy living in my apartment is a dangerous drug dealer. - Your dad? - Yeah. I can't have you at my apartment. What if some crazy *** goes down? - Yeah. - And I'm not allowed to have friends over on weeknights, - but this place is good. - Hey, guys. Hi, we'd like to inquire about a room. Mm-hmm, sure. But we only have $51 American. We only have one room that you can get for $51... - room 204. - That sounds good. Well, the thing about room 204 is that a terrible *** happened there... a woman killed her husband. It was the most gruesome thing I ever heard of. What do you mean? What... what happened? She decapitated him, castrated him, defanged him. She removed his hands and feet. - Right. - I'll always remember the day of that most horrible ***... the 1St of november. - Oh, that's today's date. - Weird. Yeah, it's today's date. It happened earlier today. - Eh? - ***. And the police psychologist said she would return to the scene... to kill again. - Hey, guys. - Oh! ***. - Hey, Mel. - Where's Doug? - Oh, he's just there. - Hey, guys. - Oh! ***. - Hey. I heard you don't have a place to stay. - Yeah. - I would love it if you'd stay with us. Oh, we're okay. We just got a room. Oh. Thanks for the offer, though. Yeah. Hmm. Actually, maybe that would be quite good. Thank u, Mel. Thank you, Doug. - Of course! - Eh? Okay, so another rule: There will be no bringing girls back to the house. I know how you guys are. Actually, Mel, I don't see any reason why they can't bring girls back here to visit if they want. Uh, do you want to bring some girls home too, Doug? - No, but I don't see any reason why they can't. - No, that's fine. Yeah, maybe I'll bring some girls home too, just find some real authentic *** and just turn this house into a whorehome. - Is that what you'd like, Doug? - No, it's not, but... there will be no smoking, drinking or drugs, no partying. - We don't party. - I know, that's for Doug. Ahem. He struggled with addiction. Okay, number 8: You must not leave the house. - When? - What, never? Well, not after 11:30 P.M. And preferably never. Umm, I think that's... so other than those rules, there are no rules. Now before we turn in, I would just love it if you guys could play a song for me. The thing is Bret is overtired and there's a risk of throat polyps. - Oh. - What are they? Why don't I play a little something for all of us on the harp? Oh, Doug! No. That is such a womanly instrument. Have you ever heard of a man playing a harp? - My dad plays the harp. - I've never heard... I've never seen a man play a harp. There you go, Bret... - nice and tucked in. - Thank you, Mel. - Keep you... - it's very tight. I can't really move. - Okay, sweet dreams. - Thank you. Mel, I was wondering if we could have the heat turned down. - It's quite hot in here. - Yes, very hot. - Oh, the heater's broken. - But I saw you turning it... yocould always push these back a little bit. - That's okay. - Okay. Okay. Well, I am going to lock the door - for security, so... - would you be able to leave that open? No, it's a very dangerous neighborhood. I sometimes go to the toilet in the middle of the night. Mm-hmm. I know. You guys are so cute. I could just eat you up. Good night. ¶ petrov, yelyena and me ¶ ¶ lost but happy at sea ¶ ¶ petrov and yelyena said to me... ¶ shouldn't we have something to eat? ¶ I say there are plenty of fish in the sea ¶ ¶ but all they can see is me ¶ - ¶ they said... ¶ - any last requests? ¶ biding my time, I said, "yes ¶ ¶ I want to party, just we three ¶ ¶ lost but happy at sea" ¶ ¶ so we drank all night from the keg ¶ ¶ I passed out and I woke with one leg, I said... ¶ "petrov, have you seen my leg?" ¶ he said... ¶ - no. - ¶ and he went back to bed ¶ ¶ but he looked suspiciously well-fed ¶ ¶ three days later, they're hungry again ¶ - ¶ they said... ¶ - any last requests, my friend, again? So I said, "do you know any rolling stones?" It was a hilarious moment in a very bleak bleak time of my life. ¶ so we danced all night to the rolling stones ¶ ¶ when I awoke, they were chewing on bones ¶ ¶ yelyena was supping blood from a cup... ¶ that's when I knew that something was up. Hey, petrov, what is that you are eating? - It's fish. - How come it looks so much like my arm which has been hacked off at the elbow last night? Oh, it's an arm fish. ¶ later that night, while they were asleep ¶ ¶ I swallowed some arsenic to poison my meat ¶ ¶ I was very ill, but revenge is so sweet ¶ ¶ unlike the last meal my comrades would eat ¶ ¶ when I awoke, they were already dead ¶ ¶ all that was left of me was my head ¶ ¶ no, not dead, just a head ¶ ¶ lost but so lonely ¶ ¶ at sea. ¶ okay, now in this scene you're back in new zealand, you're on your farm, you're frustrated with your uncle and auntie because they won't let you go into town to play your music. Ready? Go. "I just want to play guitar with my friends." We need you back on the farm, Bret, - just for one more season. - But that's a whole another year away. Listen to your uncle, Bret! Murray, who's she? Don't look at me. I'm not here, Bret. You're in your world, okay? - Where'd you get this stuff from? - You're talking to me now? Just... if we... can we stop rehearsal for a second? Stop there. Okay, stop there. This seems very similar to "star wars." I've mixed you up with... what's his name? - Luke skywalker. ...luke skywalker. Damn it. - Yeah. - Sorry, guys, you won't be needed for this scene. So you've got a dad and a mom instead of an auntie and uncle. - Other than that it's the same. - So the house is the same? - This still looks... - houses look kind of different. - You were a farmer, though, weren't you? - No, I was never a farmer. - You weren't? - Who told you I was a farmer? - I thought you were a farmer... - never ever a farmer. ...back in new zealand. - No, not at all. I was a shepherd. - A shepherd? - He was ahepherd, not a farmer. - Oh, here's me... - I can't imagine this guy farming. - I wouldn't know what to do. - I don't know where I got that idea. And what about you? You're a farmer. - No, I was a shepherd too. - Yeah, Jemaine's a shepherd. - Both shepherds? - We were both shepherds. - That's how we know each other. - We met each other one time when Jemaine lost a couple of his sheep and I found them. They had wandered over to Bret's paddock. What about the wise old guy that you had to find and then he taught you to fight your father? I think that's "star wars." All right, scratch that character. Yeah, no, we won't be needing that, greg. Thanks, though. We need to talk. We had to leave because we had rehearsal, - and we snuck out. - It's not that. It's not that. We had to be there by 2:30, so... Doug and I have something very important to talk to you about. We have decided to spend some time apart. - What? - Oh. And I know this is gonna be *** you two, okay, but we want you to know that we both love you very very very very very much. But where will we live? Well, just because Doug and I don't wanna be together anymore doesn't mean that we don't want to be with you. - This isn't about you. - Well, actually, Mel, it is about them. Do not say that in front of them, Doug. It's damaging. Now we've talked about it and we've decided that, Bret, you will stay with me and, Jemaine, you will stay with Doug. But I will fight you, Doug, and I will get you back, Jemaine. Why can't we all just stay together? Oh, Bret, you'll understand when you're older, okay? - You're so young. - I'm 32. Now, Jemaine, don't worry. You'll still see a lot of me. Mmm, um, yeah, probably. And Bret, you can still see Doug. - Mel... - mm-hmm. ...are you wearing my shirt? Yes, I am. Okay, cast meeting. Bret as Bret. - Yup. - Jemaine as Jemaine. - Yes. - Writer, director, producer Murray hewitt present. - Oh, hello, greg. That looks good. - Hey. - Sheep. - Good one. All right, now we've got some industry types in tonight, - so just be aware of that. - Recording industry? No, the embassy industry. What, some of your mates from embassies? Yeah, different embassies. Right, "lines." okay, how are you going to know your lines? - Well, we've memorized them. - Yeah, memorized them. - Who told you to do that? - I thought that's what you were supposed to do. No, you've gotta write your lines down. - Where are we gonna write them? - All the professional actors write their lines down on each other's clothing. - Do they? - Yes, of course they do. - Really? - If you get stuck on a line, you go in like this. "Oh yeah, that's right." "Yes, we're supposed to go there." We've got 300 pages of lines. The longer the play, the bigger the shirt. You'll always notice that... big costumes. Why do they always go like this? There's lines covered in all the clothing. - Well, we've memorized it, so we don't need it. - Okay. I know, but it's too late now. I hope you can remember them. Now, "breathing." Bret, you've got to remember to keep breathing, okay? - The whole time. - Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yesterday's rehearsal you got yourself worked up, you stopped breathing and you fainted. - No, I didn't. - You were on the ground there for a while, - about five minutes. - Yeah, about five minutes. - I really got bored of that bit. - Unconscious for five minutes? Mm-hmm. Okay, and finally, Jemaine, just a little point with your acting. I've noticed your acting tends to be a bit boring. It's okay for the first minute, then I kind of drift off. So kind of... if you can try and stop that, that'd be great. - Hey, malcolm. - Hey. Have a good one tonight. You're my favorite actor. All right, this is it! Onto stage. Off you go. Hang on! You haven't got your costumes on! What are you wearing? Quickly, get your costumes on! Down that way! Jemaine, nobody wants to listen to the music of a couple of shepherds. I know of a place... somewhere we can play music every day without having to shepherd. A place called... ¶ America ¶ ¶ I've been shepherding day and night ¶ ¶ saving for the flight to America ¶ ¶ America... ¶ - don't go there! - They're crazy! ¶ in the paddock every day ¶ ¶ trying to work my way to America... ¶ - they'll kill youse! - They have guns! Bret, look. There she is. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen ¶ welcome to the land of opportunity ¶ ¶ I am the statue of liberty... ¶ welcome. Welcome. Forget about it. ¶ my head's stuck in this chair ¶ ¶ gotta get my head out of this chair... ¶ - Jemaine! - Hey, there, man, would you... miss, would you be interested in... ¶ I'm selling myself on the street ¶ ¶ just trying to make ends meet ¶ ¶ who will buy ¶ ¶ my body? ¶ ¶ my body. ¶ - is there a problem with our rent? - Yeah, there's a problem. - Your money ain't good here! - But wel be out on the streets. - We've got nothing. - We'll have nowhere to live. You're in America now. You pay with American dollars. Now scram, you filthy illegal immigrants. You've got one month! Illegal immigrants, illegal immigrants... ¶ we've overstayed our welcome, we've overstayed our visas ¶ ¶ nobody cares, nobody needs us! ¶ ¶ nobody needs us! ¶ well, guys, I've got an idea. We need more than ideas. We need money. - Wait wait, hear him out. - ¶ we'll put on a musical! ¶ - it's genius! - It's marvelous! ¶ a wonderful musical... ¶ yes! Murray was right. It was a great idea to put on a musical. Murray's the greatest. Jemaine, I think we've made it in America. Yeah, but we mustn't forget where we came from. I remember. Oh, Doug. Whoo! Look at the harp player! It is manly. Oh! - Hey. - Well done. - Bravo! - Good harping. Bravo, guys. - Is it a hit? - Well, it depends how you define "hit." - You know, did people... - did people like it? No, I don't think it was that sort of hit. - No, I didn't think so. - But you enjoyed yourselves, right? Well, that's what it's about. Jemaine, your acting... really good. - Thank you. - Okay, you're still a bit boring. And Bret, great cover on the fainting. I've got lots of news... uh, good news, got some... just a little bit of terrible news there, - but, umm... - well, let's start with the good news. - Okay. Well, "we did it." - "We did it." I've written that there. That's good. - "We did it." that's the good news? - That's it? Yeah, we did it! So that's something to be proud of. - What's the terrible news? - Just a bit of terrible news. Umm... remember I invited some embassy officials to see the show? - Well, that was good. - Unfortunately the play Drew a lot of attention to your illegal immigrant status. Well, that's what it's about, isn't it? Exactly. And the dance number "illegal immigrants." - It was a good number. - A great number... - ah. ...but not great to perform in front of these people. So overall great, yes, - but also not great. - So average? Uh... - oh, do they want to meet us? - They want to see you, yeah. So in addition to the good news and the terrible news, there's also some... truly awful news. Good shepherding today, guys! Thanks, Murray! (And thanks, Sixe!)