Dead Like Me S2E5 - English Transcript

When I was a kid life was all about what's next. I was, like, "seventh grade sucks. Wait till I'm in eighth grade," and then, "*** eighth grade. High school is going to rock." Life was one big race to get to the next thing. Someone forgot to tell me that the finish line was 18. There are people who are always on time. George, you're going to miss the bus. I hate those people. I was not on time Books. Ever, for anything. I don't know what my deal was. I was late from the start. Where the hell is she? Late before the start. Oh, is that you, Georgia? Get out now! - Stop! Stop! - Late was just who I was. Stop! ***. The thing about late is you always feel, well rushed. Late sucks. Yeah, well, you reschedule that, Diane, because I'm making this flight, all right? No, I don't want to go tomorrow. I want to go today. And when I get to Aruba, you know what I'm going to do? Absolutely nothing. Okay? But I want e-mail in my hut and a fax. No. No, no, no. You tell them to put a fax in my hut. Okay? Can you move? Huh? Has anyone seen Kiffany? - Who are all these people? - Why are they here? - And when will they go away? - This is ***. I'm not going to wait around all day. I could, but I won't. - Where are you off to? - Post office. Read 'em and reap. Oh, my god. I know this guy. I know my reap. "H. Soriano." Your dear pal, "H." Harry? Henry? Hank? Hoho? Horatio? - That's all I got. - Herman. - ***. Herm works for mercury messengers, and he used to, you know, do a bit of extra courier jobs on the side, if you know what I mean. You know what I mean. He owes me 200 bucks. Mercury messengers. They have that cute commercial. If you got a package but you got no time, use mercury and you'll be just fine. - Mercury - Whoosh! A little early for the Andrews sisters. Hey, I reaped one of them. I can't remember which one. This is all the way downtown, and I want a blueberry muffin. I got to tell you something, Mason. I'm real tired of you showing up by the skin of your teeth. - I get there, don't I? - Barely. I look forward to the day when I see you reaping like a *** professional. With a scythe. - A watch would be a start. - All right. I'll get there early. *** the *** blueberry muffins. I've been reaping earlier these days. It's a lot less stressful. I never rush. If I see someone running, I just assume they're a loser. - Unless they're a runner. - Yeah, even then. Especially then. I'm not saying get there early. I'm just saying don't be late. Bloody hell. Miss! Miss! Can we get some service over here? I see you. I'll be there in just a minute. What can I get for you? - French toast. - Blueberry muffin. - Poached eggs. - Oatmeal with raisins. Let's try again. - French toast. - Poached eggs. - Oatmeal with raisins. - Blueberry muffin. - I'll come back. - No! I need oatmeal. Airport reap at rush hour. I'm ***. I know where Herm hangs out. I'll show Rube early. I'll get there so *** early, I'll reap him twice. I can't hang around either. Are you coming, Georgia? I'm already late for work. Again. - How about some oatmeal this morning? - Please. With raisins. On the house, sweetie. Good things come to those who wait. Where are my keys? - Reggie, have you seen my keys? - No. - Where are my f-ing keys? - Try your f-ing purse. Reggie, don't say "f-ing." - Why are you dressed like that? - I have a meeting. Did you eat something? - With a - With a lawyer. Please eat something, hmm? Oatmeal? Oh, cereal. Fine. - Who's picking you up this morning? - Mrs. Stuart. - Did you do something wrong? - My divorce lawyer. - Is dad going to be there? - Yes. I'm going to take you to band practice after school, so don't dawdle on the way home. I don't want to be in the band. Reggie, please. Our agreement was one school activity. - The band is for losers. - Reggie. - My daughter is not a loser. - I didn't say I was. All right, look, I can't have this conversation right now. I'm late. So go. I paid for drum lessons and a band uniform and you're joining the band. I'm not joining the f-ing band. Next. The nice thing about working at Happy Time was that my day had its own rhythm. Sure, things got busy, but the morning was mine. Show up late. Stare at screen. Swivel chair. Sip coffee. Repeat. Stare at screen. Swivel-- - I need to give you a warning. - What? I was on time. I'm working. You were not on time. Check it out, Millie. Problem at 2 o'clock. That's 10 o'clock. No wonder you're always late. - Who is it? - Ed Barphin, management consultant. He's here to monitor Happy Time's efficiency. I don't like anything about him. I'm going to tell you something personal, and in the strictest confidence. Please, not anything about hygiene. I have a mole. Ew. Is it cancerous? Not that kind of mole, you silly goose. I know a muckety-muck in the head office. He tells me things. - What kind of things? - Corporate intrigue, Millie. - He knows what their plans are for me. - He does? Should we give him a code name? - Who? - My big mole. Ew! Sure. What should we call him? Moley Molerstein. Moley Ringwald. Fred tells me I'm in line for a substantial raise if they see I run an efficient ship. Great. What does that mean to me? - Work fast today. Crack the whip. - I can do that. Oh, look at this guy. These management consultants, they're all reapers. What? They hand out pink slips like they're party favors. Can I count on you today, Millie? You can. I will kick some righteous *** before the end of business. Praise the lord. How's everything going, ms. Herbig? Everyone calls me D.H. It's faster. Going great. Right, Millie? Right D.H. Mm-hmm. More like B.S. Morning, Joy. Sorry to keep you waiting. As long as then meter isn't running. No, of course not. Uh, can I get you anything? - Coffee? Tea? Water? - Divorce, to go. I know this is hard. Expensive. Not that hard. Then today should be painless. All we need to do is go over the final revisions with both parties, and then you sign on the dotted line and you're done with him. - Good. - Good. He's probably going to be late, you know. Just because he knows it drives me nuts. May I ask you something personal? Off the clock. - Sure, Karen. - Why are you still wearing your ring? Because I'm not divorced. You people have your rituals, and I have mine. - Mind if I start the clock? - Start the clock. Herm where the *** are you, Herm? 'Sup? What's up? What's happening? Do any of you chaps know an H. Soriano? He's a skinny dude with a couple of tattoos? We're all skinny dudes with a couple of tats. Yes, you are. Yes. Is it possible that Herm goes by another handle? Handle? We're not truckers, man. Look, I need to find Herm, now. I know he hangs out here. I owe him money. I have to give it to him now. Chill, dude. Herm's on his way. Herm. Herm! H oh, sweet christ. What do you know? You don't ever forget. I'm okay. Good morning. How are you this morning? No habla ingles. Have you ever been to Hawaii? Ay, dios mio. I just got back from a vacation in Hawaii. I'm here to pick up my mail. You know, I thought it was going to be sunny, but it rained. My son took me on a cruise. All the shrimp you can eat at every meal, even breakfast. Are you mexican? - Actually, I'm from New York. - I've never been to New York. I don't think I'd like it, though, all those tall buildings and everyone running around. Although I would like to meet Matt Lauer. You look a little like him, only older and angrier. Have you ever been to Hawaii? Sweetheart. God love you for coming. You're going to have a fabulous time. - I'm sure I will, Sherri. - Let's get you a name tag. I feel like a christian in the coliseum. What exactly is going on here? Pretty and funny. The whole package. You're going to kill in there. Tell me your name, doll. - Um, Daisy. Daisy adair. - Oh. First names only. Discourages the stalker element. Daisy. Right. Here we go. Break some hearts. I'm returning Lydia's call. It's Millie from Happy Time. Hi, Lydia. You've temped for them before. There's a dress code, and your skirt needs to actually cover your ***. I don't care where your tattoo is. You cannot show crack at the office. I have to call you back. May I help you with something, mr. Barphin? Was that call of a business nature? The way D.H. runs things around here, there isn't any another kind. - May I ask you a question? - That is a question. Would you like to ask me another one? Do you routinely use off-color language as part of your business lexicon? Sometimes off-color language is the most efficient way to convey an idea. As in, "get the *** away from my cubicle." - I have an observation. - L.T.H.I. Love to hear it. When you make a call, you do not need to say, "returning so-and-so's call." You can just say, "returning." Saves time. I wanted to ask, "saves time for what?" But I just said - Thank you. - Welcome. Save your *** breath, you worm. Welcome to "make your move." Each date is two minutes. No talk about work, and first names only. - Okay. Make your move! - Wow. Daisy. Hello, Daisy. Prettiest flower in the garden. So, Daisy, we've only got two minutes. Anything you want to ask "the kid?" Yes, um what's, uh what's your last name? Babe, last names spell commitment. I'm all about the here, the now, the you and me attacking some bedsprings. Last name. Mandell. This is fun. Sweetie, no physical threats to the gentlemen. I need the repeat customers. I'm new. Okay. Okay, okay. Walk me through my spa treatments. Yeah. Uh-uh. No, not the mud wrap. I want the hot rocks. No need to travel 4,000 miles to have somebody shove mud up my ***. Come on! Come-- Move it! Passengers arriving on flight 127 from Hong Kong may pick up their baggage from carousel number one. Mrs. Williams, your children have been found Excuse me. Hello. Can I get everybody's attention? Excuse me, ma'am. Can I get everybody's attention? My name is William Garratt, and it is my pleasure to address the baggage situation on flight 127 from Hong Kong. If I do not get my trunk, I am ***. Do you understand? ***. Yes, ma'am, I do, but I also understand that anger and foul language is not going to make this process go any faster, and when you get your trunk and you're on your way in a few minutes, you might be wondering why you made such a fuss. I have been waiting here one hour! Ma'am, can you step back and calm down? Because I'm getting ready to do my thing. One two three. Earpiece to the baggage handlers on the tarmac? So you didn't buy my zen-like calm, huh? I bought your zen-like calm. I just didn't buy the magic trick. Listen, I don't mean to alarm you, but I need to see your passenger manifest, please. Sweetheart, only a gun to my head would alarm me, and not even then. Excuse me. I need the following passengers to identify themselves, please. Passenger Jones. Passenger Thibodeaux. Thank you for your cooperation, and have a nice day, and thank you, sir. Thank you. Excuse me. May I see your passport, please? It's just a routine check. Because this is what I need. More stupid americans to keep me from where I'm going. Everyone's doing what they can to get you where you're going, miss. You just need to stay calm. Calm is for losers. I have places to go. Then you go, baby. Allez, allez. Tu es vraiment une vache, hein ? - Jeff Allen? - No. We shouldn't waste time, Jeff. You and I? No connection. What? I don't like moustaches. Oh. No. I don't even really like it. I was planning on shaving it. Seriously. I almost shaved it off right before I came. Even if you shaved it, I'd always see it. - Really? - Yeah. Dating, it's all about first impressions, snap judgments, and this, Jeff, this thing between you and I, it's not powerful. This is not meant to be. Nice meeting you. Hi. Um, this is it. Reggie's band uniform. You told me to pick it up. - How does it look? - It's pretty adorable. - Does it have one of the hats? - Oh. Yeah. Chin strap and everything. Oh, my god. Epaulets. Epaulets. Couldn't you just die? Okay, we're all here. Let's get going. I have copies for everyone. If you'll just take a minute, you'll notice the revisions are in bold, and if there are any questions-- You're taking Reggie for Christmas? Well, we're going to Mexico for Thanksgiving. Terrific. Where are you going? Going to Cancun? Does it really matter where I'm going? I'm going. So I get Reggie for Thanksgiving, when she hates the food? That's just the way it worked out. So you get to have our daughter on the holiday when she opens presents, and I get her for the one where she throws up? What do you want, Joy? Can I borrow your pen? The fancy one in your pocket. Do you mind? Be my guest. You can use mine if you like. Thank you. - Hello there, Jack. - Right. So, are you having some nice dates? Are you trying to dump me already? No, just making chit-chat. I bet you're dying to date that hump over there. Well, he is handsome, but I look for many other qualities in a man. Is your last name Allen? I know for a fact that that guy has ***. Fact. Easy there, tiger. - You despise men, don't you? - What? You come here because you hate men. You're a beautiful woman who hates men. God, I hope your last name's Allen. It's not. All the women I know hate men. No, they just hate you. Marty, call the messenger service, find out what's keeping them. Stephanie, the copier needs toner, and you. I don't know your name. I'm the sandwich boy. Well, sandwich boy, where are the sandwiches? In reception. Are there hungry people in reception? No, they're in here, starving. The Ted has not been given an task. The Ted is taskless. The Ted is to remain with Millie. The Ted must make Millie laugh. Keep your station tuned to channel Ted. It's all Ted, all the time. - T-n-T. Ted 'n' ted-- - Ted on mute. I felt a little like Rube handing out post-its. Like death, we were on a pretty tight schedule. Let's go ! Let's go ! Don't dilly-dally. Time is money, people. I can't believe I just said, "dilly-dally." I feel dirty. I don't like these stamps. Do you have something else? I remember something with Amelia Earhart. - I loved her. - I reaped her. While everyone may agree that time flies when you're having fun, it is a little-known fact that even when you're not having fun, time still can fly and it flies coach. This is a joke, right? So, what was my time? Nice. And even though times knows how to fly, it remembers how to crawl. Hi. Can I cut in? Excuse me. - You look great. - Thank you. What a day I've had. Would you hold my spot, please? Afternoon, ladies. Are you two old friends? Uh, her daughter's in my son's class. I have a question for you. Is everyone in this line an ***? Excuse me? Is everyone you just cut in front of an ***? No. So it's just you, then? I have children in the car. I got a cake in the oven. He's got three minutes left on the meter. She's got a lunch meeting. We all have a finite amount of time. Now, get in the back of the line, and don't use your children like that. It's shameful. It's been said that time and tide wait for no man. Neither does Daisy. A word about the ascot. You need to be really stylish or really rich to pull that off, or are you gay? No. No. I smell an obsession with UFOs. - I'm not obsessed with UFOs. - Okay. But I did come here in one. Big one. Big one. Wow. Yo, cup o' noodles. Let's move it along here. The Ted has low blood sugar. Shut up, Ted. The Ted will ignore what he would normally take to be fighting words. The Ted needs to chill. I'm okay. Je n'ai pas encore ma valise. Oui. Ca fait une heure que je suis ici. Just hand your ticket to that gentleman over there, and you can be on your way. Man, you got the patience of job. The airport's not a happy place for a lot of people, but I'm happy. I believe that tends to rub off on people. I wouldn't know. I don't work that way. You're shoot first and ask questions later, aren't you? I really am. Well, I believe that it's harder to be happy when you have a gun on your belt. Makes anger a much easier choice. - You used to be on the job? - No. Not your job. No. I wasn't always a calm man. People suffered. You know what I'm saying? I think I do. It was really good meeting you, William. Nice to meet you, officer. Next. Afternoon. Afternoon. I'm here to pick up a package. - I'll just take a minute. - Take two. - Well, this is interesting. - What's that? This has been in the dead letter office for a while. Why didn't this get to where it was going? I wouldn't know that, sir. Well, this was sent a long time ago. - Perhaps the people moved. - No, they didn't move. I don't know what happened, sir. I wasn't there. This is almost 80 years This is unacceptable. Sir, it might be unacceptable, but it is the way it is. It was in the dead letter office. It took a long while to make its way back, but now you have it. Well, this is a mistake. It came back. This is a terrible mistake. On behalf of the U.S. Postal system, I apologize for any inconvenience this might have caused you or your family. You have no idea. - Hi, James. - Hi, Daisy. What's your last name, James? Bond. James bond. I thought that might be funny. No, it's funny. It's funny. I just, um I've been here a while. Yeah, me too. 17 times, actually. Wow. You must be getting very good at it. I'm terrible. No one ever writes me down. Well, maybe you just haven't met the right girl. Are you the right girl, Daisy? I know, two minutes is tough. Everyone likes to talk, and I like to listen. I guess it's hard to remember someone who just listens. Well, I'll remember you. I hope so, Daisy. I've really enjoyed spending-- Make your moves, speed daters! Hurry up. See you, James Bond. My name's not really Bond. - I know. - It's Allen. Daisy, you have a really nice smile. - Goodbye. - Bye. Everyone says live in the now, but that's ***. I mean, who lives in the moment? We're too busy thinking about what happens next or what didn't happen at all. Have I ever sat in an aisle seat, Diane? Huh? Business class, right side window, bulkhead. What are you, new? Huh? Let's go. Let's make things happen here, Diane. Come on. Come on. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you are in good hands. Oh, come on, now, lady. You can't do that, ma'am. Zut alors. This is very inconvenient. Lady, you're dead. Yes. And I am sure there are many other dead people up there trying to take my place. Let's go. C'est la vie. Watching a really efficient system in action sometimes just knocks you out, and sometimes it just makes you sick. The time card. Makes it a snap to monitor everyone's comings and goings. People are working, and when they're not, you know about it. I love it. It's not very personal. Exactly. It reduces the amount of time you need to talk to your employees. Well, that's just fantastic. On the clock. Always on the clock. No matter how quickly everyone did their job today, someone somewhere would be punching out before 5:00. Come on, Reggie. Let's see. I'm not going. Let me just see what it looks like. I look like a geek. All right. I know that is not true. Look, I paid good money for this. You have to at least show me. Now. Please? Oh. You are so cute. Blah. - I'm taking a picture. - No way. Oh, yeah. No, too late. I have to get a camera. Just stay right there. I hate this. Stay right there before it gets all crumpled up in the car. Shut up. All right. Now, I want one with the hat on Reggie? Aw Well, someone's popular. You're going to be a very busy girl. Busy, busy, busy. James. James. Nobody wrote my name down. I did. You were just trying to be nice. No, I really liked you. I liked you too. You'd really go out with me? Sure. In a New York minute. Who ever thought of the concept of knowing someone in two minutes? Yeah. It takes even less time than that. Why don't you come with me, James? I didn't jump. I slipped. I'm waiting for our date, sir. You were the most beautiful woman there. I know. See, we're not too late. Everyone's still getting there. I don't want to do it. I want to go home. You're going to have fun. You don't know that. See, if you keep waiting on the sidelines this is a really precious time. I don't I don't want you to be left out. I want to just help you run in there. You know? George wouldn't have put this crappy uniform on. I I don't know. I don't want to wear glasses anymore. What? Everyone calls me Harriet Potter. I don't like it. Okay. Is there any anything else you want to you want to tell me? Anything? We could just take a little minute. Forget it. I'm late. Reggie! What? Don't just run across the street without looking. Jesus *** christ! What the hell were you thinking about? I'm sorry. Reggie, I'm sorry. Just just just please be careful. Okay. Hey. Can I just take one picture? You look so beautiful. I'm late. Oh, my god. What have I done? I'm a stupid man. What's up, dude? Herm. Mason, Mason. Mason, you don't look so good, man. I'm okay. I owe you some money, don't I? Herm, Herm, Herm, Herm. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it? That doesn't sound like the Mason I know. You sure you're all right, man? I'm all right. I'm just taking a breather. Yeah? A breather from what? From being me. Come on, man. Get up out of that gutter. Thanks, mate. You sure you don't want this money? I'll tell you what. I got some speed. I'll give you the money. You buy the speed. I don't want it. Honestly. All right. Look, I got to go, man. I got to get to the next drop. Dude forgot his sticks, man. - Take care. - I will. Hey, Mason. What do you call a guy who hangs out with three musicians? I give up. The drummer. Later, man. I got to scramble. Dude. Dude. Psst. Psst. Hey, hey, hey. I think it's going really well, don't you? I guess. Um, I have a doctor appointment. Oh, fine. I can just smell that raise. You've really hustled today, Millie, and I appreciate it. Don't you think things were a little strange today? - I don't know what you mean. - Never mind. I mean, I know we've picked up the pace, but you know what they say. "If you're skating over thin ice, you'd better go fast." What if we just avoided the ice altogether? Yo, Millie. What up, dawg? Yo, Ted. So, Delores, when do I get my last check? - In about a week. - What? I fired Ted. I'm toast. Burnt toast. Hasta luego, Ted. Tedmeister, over and out. Check, please, for the tedster. - Why did you fire Ted? - Stay out of it, Millie. Fine, he's a little different, but is that any reason to fire him? Ted's funny. Maybe he doesn't get as much work done around here as everyone else, but at least he makes life a little more fun around here. That has to stand for something. The Ted is dead. Oh is the ted drunk? Ted Goodbye, Ted. Millie will miss you. When I was alive, I didn't care about time. I didn't think about it, and I guess that's why I was always late but since I died, it's weird. I guess I want to be more on time. Whoo. What did you do? Knock over a bank? No. Is this real money? It was, many years ago. Are you okay? Just a long day. Have you handled your post-it yet? I'm on my way. Don't be late. I won't be. Do you want a ride home? I'll walk. Rube. Thanks. I heard it a million times when I was growing up. "Hurry up, Georgia." "Seize the day, Georgia." And no matter how fast I went, I just kept falling behind. I just kept getting later and later, and the whole time, I was thinking, "what's next?" I couldn't wait for what's next. Maybe people should just find one pretty spot and stay there. The funny thing is when you die, everyone refers to you as "late," but now I know that's the one event that always happens right on time. What the ***? Another red light? Diane. Diane. Overnight the bag, all right? I don't give a ***. Look, just solve the problem. I'm 10 feet from the airport. This is *** ridiculous. Hey. Hello. Could you push the little button right there? What? Push the button right--the walk call me back. ***. Once is enough. You know what? I don't have time for this ***, all right? You can come this way. I'll show you. I'm going to need a minute. Let me know when you're ready. I guess there's no hurry.