A Halloween Date with Bloody Mary

I'm sorry... sometimes you've just got to give them the old short-sharp-shock. Gets them every time. Black candles and a mirror. They say my name three times and I go "BOO!" They scream... I've got their attention. And then it's time to get to work. You wouldn't happen to have.. ...a thing... Lipstick. Lovely. Cheers. Thanks a lot. The job. What I do... I'm sort of like a careers advisor and a guidance counsellor and a motivational speaker... ...all rolled into one appetising bundle. Honestly. Fear... is the greatest motivator ever. You may think I'm there ready to come out to the screen to slash your throat with a straight razor. Like this one. But what would be the point of that? I kill you and you learn nothing. It's my job to put you on the right track. Honestly, in my world, we call it The Realm killing one of you isn't smiled upon. Not on your nelly. but seriously some of the reasons I get summoned and it's like "you'll kill yourself because you're twelve and a cross dresser?" Come on... try being me for forty-five minutes and then tell me wearing the odd frock isn't OK. As long as it doesn't make your hips look big it's fine. And accessorise! Hang on, I'm being summoned... Chickened out. Happens all the time. Sometimes they'll be a variation on the summoning. "Bloody Mary, I killed your children" What children? And nowadays there are other comments you need to look out for: "Hi. My name is Lisa... I am fourteen. I have no ears and nose. I am dead. My father killed me. Repost twenty times or I'll come to your bed tonight with a knife." Now this is true, there is a Lisa, and she's a nice enough girl if she does come to your bed while you are asleep she's actually going to forcefeed you. Especially you anorexics. Contrary to the magazines, being skinny is NOT worth sacrificing boobage and periods. Trust me. You'll thank her. So as I said... ...my job is to advise you Beings. That's what we call you. As in Human Beings. And what are we called? In the past we've been known as demons. Abominations. Which luckily is a bit archaic because it's insulting it's no P.C. And anyway they're our words now and you can't use them. The correct term is Beens. Not as in '...Meanz Heinz' More as in 'has-beens' Or more correctly, 'have been' We've been you. And now we're us. Am I looking for that special someone? Naaa. I'm far too busy. Trouble with guys is they always let you down Especially the perfect ones. They're usually the least perfect once you get to know them. Always leave them wanting more. I'll be seeing you. You've got my number. And you know I've got yours.