Carpoolers S1E10 - English Transcript

they do this every morning. I know. all right,fellas,time for work. One more time? Please? Okay. Proudly Presents Season 1 Episode 10 this makes me crazy! Every time laird drives,we end up being late for work. Sweetie,laird is laird. Honey,that doesn't make any sense. That's like saying,"*** is ***. " Well,that's also true. Hi,son. Look at you there in your coveralls. Marmaduke has a new job. I secured a position at take-a-penny industries. Good! Take-a-penny--that's what? That's--what?What is that? Well,um,I empty all the take-a-penny trays at various stores and establishments. I thought those pennies were for people who need exact change. mother what kind of cotton candy world do you live in,hmm? Us guys know what I'm talkin' about. sorry,baby,I got teeth to c an. come on,sweetie,one more time! Why am I waiting on your libido? Every time you drive,I wait because you're having sex! we're up,we're clean,we've all been fed we've brushed our teeth and made our beds so now it's off to school we go to learn the things we do not know Isn't she great,honey? Blanca,you are the world's greatest babysitter. What would we do without you? There would be sheer chaos. you're late. Time to go. My feet are moving. how do you do that? Don't worry. My knees will get us there. God,come on! That's disgusting. I really don't need your breakfast on my cheek. What is with you guys? "Laird's late!" "Laird should steer with his hands!" It's like everything's my fault. It is your fault! You're late! You're steering with your legs! You're picking your teeth! Why can't you ever take responsibility for your actions? That went in my mouth. Maybe if you kept it shut see?There's no more spots. Oh,great. We're gonna have to park in the satellite lot and take the shuttle. No,we're not taking the shuttle. That takes forever. Plus it smells like feet. You see this? You see this? This is why there aren't any spaces left. when did those go in? What a waste. It's not a waste,laird. It's for disabled peop . Yeah?Well,where are they? At the beach?At the circus? This is a classic case of government meddling in a free market parking system. But I got a little surprise. Dougie,open up my glove compartment. Are there cookies? No,sir. Bingo. yeah! Where did you get that? It was my great aunt'S. We rently had to put her in a home. Ve sad. This will be my tribute to her. Uh,no. Laird? Laird,you can't do this. You don't want to do this. This is very bad karma. Come on. There's no such thing as karma. It's just an excuse people make up like,uh, "I had a bad childhood! Boohoo-hoo! I can't be a part of this. Dougie?Dougie!Aubrey! What he said. Guys? All right. Laird,move this car! I'm late. You move it. lrd!Laird! hey,you know that's a handicapped spot,right? I,uh-- you fools gonna lose your parking permit, and for the rest of your working lives, you guys are gonna be taking the shuttle to work. No,no,no. My--my friend is disabled. No,no,no. I'm not. I'm not. And on top of that,it's a $700 fine! I am!I-I-I am. Where's your wheelchair at? it's in the trunk. get his wheelchair! I'm not handicapped. You handicapped,right? -I'll--I'll show you the wheelchair. -Well,tell him to get the wheelchair. You tell him. Get the wheelchair. Get the wheelchair,man. You want to see it right now? I don't want a wheelchair!He needs a wheelchair! All right. -Give me the keys. -Give the man his wheelchair. He's handicapped,right? Yeah,sure. Oh,no! Oh,no!Gracen,someone took your wheelchair! Someone must have pried open my trunk and taken his wheelchair! This is awful. We're gonna have to make a report. Why would they leave the golf clubs and a laptop but take a wheelchair? Sir,I can't be a nurse for my disabled friend and a detective. Excuse me. All right,little buddy. Let's get you to work. Are you kidding me? No,come on. We can do this. There we go. all right. We're going to work. 'Re gonna get you there on time. It's okay,little buddy. Taking him to the office. Here we go. Jeez! This is humiliating. Put me down,you ***. It's okay,everybody. Someone stole his wheelchair, but he's not gonna let that get him down and neither will I! Heering) thank you! Oh,hey! Dr. Laird holcomb. Just call the bottom number right there. Unbelievable. Don't call him. He's trouble. he's watching us. It'll be okay. You got it? Yeah. Okay,here we go. Here we go. All right,there we go. do you realize what you've done? Saving our parking permit. That's just great. How about tomorrow,when they see that I can miraculously walk? We'll say you got temporary nepotigitis. What the hell is that? Disease I just made up. Sounds pretty bad,doesn't it? -No,no,no,no. -Stay down! Just stay. come on in. Hi! There's the top man! Look what I got r ya. We keep one of these in the building just in case of emergencies. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks. You know what,man? I feel really bad about what happened earlier with the parking space thing,man. I kinda got into you guys really bad,you know what I mean? Whatt is,man,I just hate cheaters,man. When people cheat,ooh! I just want to take out my gun,man,anempty my gun,you know? You know what I mean?Give it to 'em. Know what I mean? But you know what? We all got rules to follow. And I'm-a follow the rules right now. You know what? I'm-a make all this right,right now. I'm-a treat you guys to a cup of coffee,cappuccino,flapte-lapte, whatever you guys be drinkin' around here. Oh,no,no. That's--that's okay. Thank you very much. No,no,no,no. I insist. Flapte-latte? Let's get him out of that chair. Come on. -You see that,little buddy?People are generally good. -Get him out of that chair. COME ON. Let's go. One,two,three,up. Let's bring him around. Go! -Get in that chair good. -Spin him around. There we go. In the chair. All right. busy,busy,busy. Hey,everybody,we found him a wheelchair! He's gonna be okay! There we go. Thank you very much. I wish I was dead. Hey,hey,I don't want to hear that,man. You don't wish you were dead. No! I don't want to hear that talk,okay? You're somebody. Open table. I'm up!I'M gas I'm standing. Liar! Liar! We've all been duped! He can walk! Liar!Boo! You're a cheater,handi-man. I believed in you,man. Cheater! Cheater! I hate you. Unbelievable. A $700 fine. And they're gonna revoke our parking privileges. It's karma,and it's just the beginning. -it's not karma. -It's karma. -It's not karma. It's just laird! -It's just the beginning. The gods are going to smite us. You see?This is the kind of thing that breaks up carpools. Everyone,relax. I've already called the parking committee and demanded an appeal we will march in there together,and we will be heard. We're gonna be heard. We're gonna march right in there and say what? You'll think of something,little buddy. Oh,please. Do you remember how hard it was to get this parking permit in the first place? Chairwoman,fellow carpoolers, I think you can see there that we're neither tax evaders nor felons. We'll call you. I don't like them. I can't be more specific. I don't think we should appeal. We've been very bad. I think we should be punished. Dougie,if you want to be punished hard, I've got the number of a woman who will spank you. But you're not gonna need it, because there's no such thing as karma. Hello again. Parking in handicapped spot? You disgust me. Dougie,do not confuse karma with moody women. Well,I think you're just as much to blame as laird. Oh,what? No! He was late. He pulled out the handicapped thingie. He parked in the space. You let him carry you to work in his arms. She's right. You know,in some cultures,they would put you on a big block of ice, and they'd sing to you as you'd float away. Oh,don't start with that. You know,you sound like dougie with all that karma hoodoo. It's not hoodoo. If take-a-penny industries has taught me anything, it's balance of nature. People leave pennies. I take them. I give half to the company. I keep the rest r myself. What is your point? What's your point? Exactly. I'll tell you what my point is. My point is I'm done with laird. You know that?I've had it! Father,I wouldn't react so rashly. I mean,you're a man of few friends,lest we forget. Really? How many friends do you have,son? Obviously you haven't seen my myspace page, so how do you pretend to know who I am? hey,gentlemen. I got an idea. Let's not a-carpool. What?What's going on? I'll tell you what's going on. I'm not getting in the car with laird. What does that mean? You figure it out. You know what?Dougie,aubrey,come with me. Drive with me. What are you guys doing? Uh,I need time to formulate a response to that question. You're not his puppets. Think for yourselves. Come on. Get back in my car. Let's go. You know what?You guys are not my puppet. He's right. But I'll tell you what-- you get in that car and you drive with him today, u might as well drive with him forever, 'cause laird and I are no longer friends. I just want to go to work. Okay. What if I ride with laird and then spend the weekends with gracen? All right,that's it,guys. Back in the car. Let's go. Aubrey,get in the car. Aubrey,get in my car! Get in the car! Aubrey,don't do this! Aubrey!Don'T okay,fine. Fine. Good-bye. Forever! But I'm warning you-- look out! oh,goodness. My feet! are you all right? No? My beautiful feet! Oh,no! Oh,laird! Oh,god! Hey,laird. Listen,I'm sorry. You gotta know I had no intention of running over your leg. What,you were aiming for my head? Well,at least you have a spare ligament they can take from your buttock. Yeah,you're lucky. The rest of us are still waiting for our punishment. oh,my god aah! Sorry. Darn it,that wasn't it. You know,you running over laird isn't gonna help us at our parking hearing. Maybe we should just say he had cosmetic surgery. What?On his shins?Come on. Look,laird,move in to my place,all right? While you mend. Let me make it up to you. You've done more than enough,my former friend. I am gonna have to stay at somebody's house. My house has way too many stairs. Oh,hey,you can stay at my place. That'll be my punishment. Thank you,dougie. Too bad. So sad. We,uh,get up every morning at 5:00 A. M. With the baby. Okay,dougie's out. Is he looking at me? we're so glad you're home from a busy day we'll put our toys and clothes away we won't watch tv why would we bother? When we can play with our own sweet father amazing work,blanca. Really nice. Okay,who wants to get uncle laird a white wine spritzer? I do!I'll do it. I think we should stop seeing other people. I can't do that. I'm a dinosaur. aubrey! help,aubrey! Aubrey! Ay,dios m! Blanca! Mr. Aubrey went to buy maple syrup! That's okay,blanca. Come on in here and get me out of this tub. Please,I'm stuck! Are you naked? Because I come from a catholic country. All right,blanca,look,we're both adults, and I'm basically a doctor. So just come on in here. It's fine. Blanca,please. blanca! He grabbed me! I am too ashamed to tell you where. Well,y-you don't haveo leave. Look,I can fix this. Just don't leave me alone with my children! blanca! Blanca,come back! Blanca,come back! aubrey,please come back! Fine!Leave! Leave me! (Sobbing) aubrey,I'm cold! Gracen! Hark. Hi. Hello,marmaduke. Um,is your father home? He's asleep right now, so it's difficult for him to receive visitors. Care to leave a card? can I help? I don't know what to do. Laird got his payback,aubrey just lost his babysitter, and that means that I'm next. Karma is coming for me next. I can feel it--her hungry eyes on me. -I,too,am in crisis. -really? Take-a-penny industries? A scam run by a lonely widower who is taking advantage of energetic young youths such as ourselvesto do his bidding. I've no idea what you're lking about,marmaduke. Innocent people were affected,dougie. I mean,we were taking a penny,but we weren't leaving one. So what do we do? Are we-- are we just screwed? Maybe. Maybe not. I couldn't help but notice earlier aubrey had to carry laird into his house. So so I have a plan-- a plan to keep karma at bay. what areou guys doin'? Only the greatest deed I've ever done. And,father,you're the first to witness it-- you and a handful of other angry neighbors. What the hell is this? It's a ramp! We built it so laird can get in and out of his house. If the gods don't smile on us now,they're probably grumpy. It's a little steep,isn't it? Father,who nearly studied engineering? Me or you? what have you idiots done with my stairs? Good morning,laird. We give you freedom ramp. until you're healed,and then it becomes the back of mrs. Ducketts' garage again. Go on. Give it a whirl! He's not gonna give it a whirl. You know what he's gonna do? He's just gonna sit up there and continue blaming the rest of the world for all of his problems! Oh,that's right. Keep walkin'! Keep walkin'! I wish I ramp malfunction! No! My leg! My other leg! Father! Eight weeks? Eight weeks I have to have these on? That's ridiculous! would you like to sit with your friend? My friend. Yeah,my friend. You know,you'll be my friend as soon as you take responsibility for all this. Yeah,well,I'm too busy facing the wall. After all these years,this is how it ends? That's great. Let's go. it's nearly 2:00. you asked for this appeal. Where's the rest of your carpool? We don't know. They are so guilty. Why don't we just fry them and go home? Pitter-patter,let's get at 'er. Very well. I would like to begin by expressing my personal outrage at the idea of feigning a disability for a parking space. Can you give me one reason we shouldn't permanently revoke your parking? No reason. In fact,if you could gi me additional punishment,I'd be very grateful. You did a bad thing! I did. Your honor,the carpool is a delicate creature. It's like a family. I hate my family. We've been through a lot together. Bones have been broken. Food has been taken from one man's mouth and put into another'S. It was my mouth. Quite frankly,the only thing that we have left is that parking space. If it's that important,then where are the other two members? I'm here!Oh,my feet! Sir,are you mocking us? Do you think that this committee is some sort of a joke? Oaky. Well,do you? No! I mean,I just--I just came here to say I'm guilty. Then why are we here? Because of them. These guys are innocent. Don't--don't punish them. Nish me. No,no,no. Punish me,too,please,very hard. You're lucky I don't stab you in the face. What about the fourth member of your carpool? Dr. Laird holcomb? It doesn't matter where he is. You know,if he was here,he'd just blame us all anyway. I deserve that. With the committee'sermission,I'd like to say a few words about a good man-- mr. Gracen brooker. Why are you in a wheelchair? Mr. Brooker ran over both of my feet with his car. Sweet! But let us not allow that to cloud the issue before us. The truth is,this whole situation is my fault. I suffer from a disease. That disease is called selfishness. I used to think that karma didn't exist, that it was just an excuse people made up like, "mommy drank" or "the *** broke. " (Chuckles) until I did something so selfish that I lost my best friend over it. Now if that's not karma,I don't know teeth. So you're willing to take full responsibility for your actions? I am. Can you ever forgive me,buddy? Come here,you big oaf. ladies and gentlemen of the committee, if you're not moved by this,ave hearts of stone. There's only one decision to make about our parking permit, and I think you know what it is. next stop--lost luggage,rental cars,duty-free shops. We're going to maui. How about you? Work! What does it look like? I'm sorry. Sorry about that. You guys seem nice. So you're going to work,and we're going to maui. shut up. anybody sure. not. go ahead.