Obama Befriends Rich Elderly Widow in Hopes She'll Put Nation in Her Will

President Obama once again took time off today to visit the bedside of 89-year-old billionaire widow Mrs. Adelia Scott, prompting the White House to once again deny claims that the President is simply buttering Mrs. Scott in hopes that she will leave her money to the badly indebted US Treasury. How could you say that? The President has no motives in befriending Mrs. Scott other than to spend time with a fellow American who likes to do the same things he does – taking walks, growing price-winning petunias, cross stitching, visiting the doctor. Of course if Mrs. Scott decides at some point that she wants to provide for the country that’s entirely her decision. In the past two weeks alone, the President has brought Mrs. Scott chocolate cordials, watched all six parts of the BBC’s Pride and Prejudice with her, and spent hours listening to her stories about playing in the Ladies’ Baseball League. Oh, Barack and I have a big time. Yesterday I showed him my kaleidoscope that I had as a girl and fed him some of my famous mashed potatoes. Mrs. Scott herself seems either unaware or unworried by the accusations launched against Obama and is enjoying both the President’s attention and his gifts, which include this portrait of the pair. Public support of the President’s actions has been high as well. I like that the President isn't afraid to go out there and get his hands dirty and exploit an old woman but not you, Mrs. Scott, of course if you're watching we think you're terrific. Obama enjoyed an especially large bump in the polls after his recent visit to Mrs. Scott in which he brought along his daughter, Sasha, dressed in a sailor outfit and persuaded her to sing “On the Good Ship Lollipop” as Mrs. Scott clapped in time. John Boehner, however, criticized Obama’s visits to Mrs. Scott as a waste of time, saying “All the President needs to do is ask Mrs. Scott to give him a calligraphy lesson and then slip a new version of the will under the handwriting paper.” Time does seem to be running short as other economically distressed nations have already began to show up on Mrs. Scott’s doorstep. Other critics say President Obama is spending too much time with Mrs. Scott when he has other ambitious projects in the works, like his plan to learn to count cards and win back the entire national debt in one wild trip to Atlantic City and his plan to win a large cash prize by entering an illegal no-holds barred coast-to-coast auto race. Moving on, Pizza Hut announced record profits for its new pizza pile today.