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Have you lost
some weight?
I have, and thank
you for noticing.
I thought so.
When you were bent
over tying your shoes,
Your wallet didn't
look like it was trying
To bust out
of your ***.
Do you, uh, always check out
my behind when I'm bent over?
Well, I try to look
every other way,
But that thing
is an Imax.
Well, regardless, I feel
better, I got more energy
I don't know
if you're aware of this,
But for a long time I struggled
with a midday lag.
Well, if you're talking about
that time between noon to 5:00,
When I drive and you sleep?
Yeah, I've noticed.
Well, no more.
And the great thing is,
I'm not dieting.
I eat whatever I want.
It's all about
portion control.
Well, I been preaching
moderation to you for years.
The stomach understood.
The ears weren't
ready to listen.
Morning, gentlemen.
Hey, Samuel.
I'll have the
French toast,
With hash browns and
a large orange juice.
Mm, good choice.
And for you, big and bountiful?
I will have a half
a cup of grape-nuts,
Two inches of bacon,
And one silver-dollar pancake
with a teaspoon of syrup.
Is he making a joke?
I usually find more food
than that under his chair.
Afraid not.
Okay.
Uh, would you like skim
milk on your grape-nuts?
No, whole milk.
Just a whisper.
I like my nuts crunchy.
You are certain my chain
is not being yanked.
Huh.
You understand my suspicions,
though, right?
Just go get my food!
So what you got
going on tonight?
Nothing, really.
I was thinking about
asking molly out again.
Are you crazy?
You can't ask a woman out
on the same day.
Why not?
'cause even if she's got nothing
going on, she's gonna tell you
She's got something going on,
so you don't think she's got
Nothing going on, when you call
her and ask her what's going on.
So should I call her or not?
Sure.
You got
nothing going on.
Really? What are
you doing tonight?
Making fondue
with your grandma?
It's chili night.
You know, I was thinking maybe
I'd ask molly to go bowling.
Bowling?
Oh, you dog!
I see the tender trap
you're baiting.
What? It's just
a second date.
I figured it would be a
fun, no-pressure kinda deal.
Uh-huh.
And it has nothing to do with
the fact that when it comes
To bowling, you're a
chunky, white Michael Jordan?
It does not.
Not to mention a sight to behold
In that pink and black shirt
with the matching ball?
You know, I won that ball
in a police league tournament.
I built the ensemble around it.
You smooth-*** Casanova, you.
I'm not a Casanova.
I haven't even kissed
this girl yet.
Forget kissing.
You're gonna be looking
at a seven/ten split.
That schoolteacher ain't
gonna know what hit her,
When she sees you
treat those pins
Like your ten
little ***.
Well, whether it goes
that far or not,
I just want to show
her a good time.
She lives at home with
her mom and her sister.
I get the feeling
she doesn't have
A lot of excitement
in her life.
Put the
scissors down!
No! No!
I'm gonna cut it all off!
No man is worth it.
He said he loved me.
He's married!
He won't be after
his wife gets my hair!
* for the first time
in my life *
* I see love.
*
Well, I finally got
Sweeney Todd to bed.
How'd you manage that?
I crushed up three xanax and put
it in her teeth whitening tray.
You know, it's all my fault
she's so fragile.
I was too *** her
growing up.
Too hard? You breastfed
her till she was five.
(phone rings)
I would've done the same
for you,
Except you were eating corn
on the cob before you had teeth.
Hello?
Hey, Mike!
Molly:
Uh, not much.
Hanging with mom and sis.
Tonight?
You can't leave!
Watch me!
Um Bowling, yeah,
that sounds fun!
Your sister needs us now!
Hang on.
Mom, she's doing this
for attention.
It's the same reason she's
got a webcam in her bathroom.
Fine.
But if you come home
and find the coroner
Snapping a toe tag
on your sister,
Promise me
you won't blame yourself.
Deal.
I love him.
I must go to him.
Oh, damn, it's awake.
Sure, that sounds fun! Great!
Listen.
Why don't I
just bring you
A whole order of french fries,
And you just eat 12 of them?
If I could eat just 12,
This shirt wouldn't look like
it was made in an awning store.
I tried that portion
control diet once.
Yeah? How'd it go?
Gained 14 pounds.
Three frickin' gummi bears
at a time.
Actually, I'm having
wonderful success with it,
And if I stay on track?
I'm thinking next summer,
Shirtless at the beach!
I'll bring the suntan lotion.
Just in case, bring a bucket
and a paint roller.
That is quite an outfit.
I'm guessing you've
done this before.
Well, I'm not
gonna lie to you.
I'm a bit of a legend
in these parts.
Oh, really?
Well, maybe legend's too strong.
Folk hero.
I'm prepared to be impressed.
Me, I just did a little
bowling in college.
Mostly as an excuse to drink.
Yeah, you know,
a lot of people like
To mix alcohol with a sport.
But I don't like
my senses dulled.
Can't put beer goggles
on the eye of the tiger.
Right.
You know, if you're ever
interested in a couple of tips,
I'd be happy to help.
That'd be great.
All right.
First off, there's a lot of
misconceptions about bowling.
It's not just
about brute force.
It's about form,
follow-through, and finesse.
The three fs,
I like to call 'em.
Not to be confused
with the three rs,
Reading, writing and
'rithmatic, which is your forte.
Now, the key to form
Is keeping your
wrist straight, okay?
Key to a
follow-through
Is releasing the ball
in a smooth, gliding motion.
Luther:
Attaboy, mike!
Ignore him.
What about finesse?
Forget finesse for now,
focus on fun.
Okay.
Hope I don't
embarrass myself
Hey.
We're just here
to have a good time.
Nobody's gonna
be embarrassed.
Oh, look! I knocked
them all down!
I'll be darned.
Was my form okay?
Yeah.
I mean, uh,
You're still bending
your wrist quite a bit,
But that goes away
with practice.
Could I take
another turn?
Sure.
Maybe I'll get lucky again.
That's a very healthy attitude.
Boo-yah! That's what
I'm talking about!
That's good.
That's real good.
Where's my 12 french fries?
Seriously, though, I don't feel
right about taking your money.
No, no,
I made the bet,
And you won,
fair and square.
(under his breath):
Sandbagger.
What?
Nothing.
Hey, Samuel.
This is molly.
Molly, Samuel.
Oh.
Pleased to
meet you, Samuel.
The pleasure is mine.
I heard the large man
was seeing someone,
But I, of course, assumed
you were imaginary.
That's funny.
Samuel's from Africa.
He came here to pursue
the American dream
And, apparently,
to bust my balls.
What part of Africa
are you from?
I grew up in Senegal,
but my mother's from France.
Do you speak french?
Fluently.
I also speak Arabic,
Wolof, and a little German.
Apparently, the only language
he doesn't speak is "waiter.
"
I speak a little
German, too.
Uh, was ist los
mit der hund ?
Nicht viel,
nur chillen.
(laughing)
I asked him,
"what up, dawg""
And he said,
"not much, just chillin'""
That's good.
You working tonight, or
just doing a floor show?
I'm sorry.
He gets grumpy when he
doesn't get his tiny pancake.
So what are you doing
here in the United States?
I'm studying English literature
at the university of Illinois.
Oh, I love English lit.
It's where I fell in love
with Shakespeare.
Ah! Shakespeare.
"love looks not with the
eyes, but with the mind;
And therefore is winged
cupid painted blind.
"
(in unison):
"nor hath love's mind
of any judgment taste;
"wings and no eyes,
figure unheedy haste.
"
(cheering)
Ah, screw it.
Whatever's on the
grill, I'm eating.
Big man gets ***
when he's hungry.
Keep a snickers bar
in your purse.
SoWhat's next?
You want to grab
a drink somewhere?
I don't think so.
You sure? You don't
have to worry about
Blurring the eye
of the tiger anymore.
Yep.
Hey, we could just
drive around a little.
It's a really beautiful night.
Well, you're a schoolteacher
You see the beauty.
I see the crime,
The corruption,
and the danger.
So what do you
think's more dangerous:
The coffee bean and tea leaf
or the Gymboree?
That's funny.
You should just go
right here on wells.
It's a quicker way
to get to my house.
'scuse me, I'm a
Chicago police officer.
I know these streets
like the back of my hand.
Okay.
Sorry.
I may not know how
to quote Shakespeare,
But I know I can navigate the
"city of the broad shoulders""
Carl Sandburg.
Great Illinois poet.
I know.
I love his poems.
It's actually "city
of the big shoulders.
"
Broad is fine.
I mean, you get it.
Look, mike, if I've done
anything to upset you--
Night.
Thanks!
I had a nice time.
I guess you'll call me, right?
(car engine starts)
okay.
You bowl like a girl!
I can't live
without him!
I'm getting too old
for this crap.
You and me both.
Or cinemax in my bedroom.
(knock on door)
(turns off tv)
What are you doing here?
Oh, no.
Come here.
What happened?
It was a complete disaster.
Erectile dysfunction?
No.
I didn't even
kiss her good night.
So the *** is fine?
As far as I know.
He's been hiding
for the last couple hours.
Did you tie your shoes
and give her the rear view?
'cause I may have
fudged its attractiveness
Out of friendship.
Grandma:
Carlton, who was at the door?
It's just
mike, grandma.
Go back to bed.
Oh, hey, Michael.
How are you, baby?
I'm all right, nana.
How are you?
Oh, I'm right with my savior
and tight with my ***.
What are you
doing here, sugar?
Carlton told me you had a date.
Uh, I did,
but it ended pretty early.
Erectile dysfunction?
'cause Carlton got some pills
if you need them.
Uh, grandma,
how many times
Have I asked you to
stay out of my room?
Well, when you start
doing your own laundry,
I will stay out of your room.
Until then,
I go where I please.
Pays $200 a month in rent,
and he gonna start
Telling me where I can
and cannot go.
Now, Michael,
what happened with this girl?
I don't know, we just
didn't make a connection.
I see.
You didn't make a connection.
Yeah, you know, our
world views don't jibe.
Your world views don't jibe.
Exactly.
Now, Michael, I'd like
to see you in heaven, too,
But lying to an old lady
ain't gonna get you there.
She beat me
at bowling.
You're kidding me.
And I don't mean
just beat me,
I mean she covered
my *** in pledge
And wiped the
floor with it.
The bowling alley's
your home court advantage.
Only place you got left
to shine is house of pies.
Hush up, black Gilligan.
Continue, Michael.
It's not just that.
She was showing off and
speaking in different languages.
You mean in tongues,
like the Pentecostals?
No, like french and
German and Shakespeare.
Oh, good.
'cause I been
to a tent revival
And that mess
will put you off Jesus.
So if I hear you correctly,
What's upsetting you
is you had a date with
A smart, capable young woman and
it threatened your masculinity.
No!
(clears throat)
(deep voice):
No.
Oh, Michael.
Why is it you boys get
so intimidated by strong women?
Want us all to just
be dumb and grateful.
No, I don't
want dumb.
I am a fan of grateful.
Please.
When's the last time
you laid your eyes on grateful?
Let me tell you
something, Michael.
You got to embrace the beauty
Of a strong,
independent woman.
If it was me,
I'd cut my losses and move on.
I guess we know why
you're in the bathroom alone
On a Friday night, shaving
your head with my lady Schick.
And I pray to god
that's all you were shaving.
Now, Michael, do you have
feelings for this girl?
Yeah, I guess I do.
Well, then you need to stop
behaving like a petulant child,
Go back to her,
tell her what's in your heart
And how you really feel.
Ugh, really?
Take it from me,
You show her that side of you
And she will open up
like a flower.
'cause there ain't nothing
sexier in the world
Than a secure man
being honest with his woman.
Man (in distance):
Baby, you coming back to bed?
Now, that man
Is honest
as the day is long.
And had he not been honest,
I never would've
Found out he was long.
God, I love your grandma.
You may not believe this now,
But you'll get
over this man.
Yes, you will.
And you'll find
somebody else.
Somebody sweet and
kind and loving
And single.
I'd try single for the next one.
You know, just to
shake things up a little bit.
Molly, your sister
is hurting.
This is no time to play
Monday morning quarterback.
She's had one of those,
and he was married!
She has been doing this
her whole life.
She gets mixed-up with
emotionally unavailable men
And then wonders
why they broke her heart.
He's not emotionally
unavailable, he's an alcoholic.
There's a difference.
My mistake.
Oh, he's drunk and married.
That's a guy you can count on.
Why are you being
so mean to me?
Is she on a new diet?
Yeah, I'm on the "not swallowing
any more of your crap" diet.
Oh, mom, please, give her
a cookie or something.
Molly, you need
to calm down
And just be supportive
of your sister.
Are you kidding?
That's all I ever do around here
is support my sister.
What about me?
Who supports me
when I'm hurting?
Why are you hurting?
Oh, I don't know.
Maybe because I had a date
with a guy I really liked--
A single guy-- and it was
a complete train wreck.
Oh, well.
You'll be fine.
You're a rock.
I don't want to be
the rock anymore.
Let somebody else be the rock!
I want to be the hot one
that gets taken care of
And everybody wants
to have sex with.
Oh, molly, it's not
as glamorous as it looks.
It's really not.
Molly, I'm really sorry
about how I behaved,
But you got to keep in mind
that I'm a cop.
My life is on the line
every day,
And that can wind a man up
pretty tight.
So sometimes you get
the teddy bear
And sometimes you get
the rattlesnake.
That's good.
Okay, let's do this.
Joyce:
Victoria, what
are you doing
With that hair
spray and lighter?!
Victoria:
Back off!
Joyce:
Molly, code blue!
Molly:
What the hell
is going on?
Victoria:
I'm gonna set that *** on
fire and you can't stop me.
(spray hissing,
fire roaring)
Molly:
Oh, my god!
Put it down!
Step aside, ladies,
I got this.
Mike, what are
you doing here?
Not now.
Let me do my job.
Victoria, give me the hairspray
and the lighter.
No, he's got to pay!
Listen, I understand
you're upset,
But revenge is not the answer.
(sobbing):
I loved him,
And he broke my heart!
I understand, sweetie.
But sometimes we all suffer
disappointment and humiliation.
Can't help it if
I'm a good bowler.
You're a great bowler,
And I'll get
back to you on that.
Listen, I know guys act
really stupid sometimes.
I certainly did tonight.
(chuckles)
Okay.
But that's not an excuse
To turn some guy's face
into burnt lasagna.
Okay?
What it really is,
is an opportunity
To practice forgiveness.
So why don't you give me the
lighter and we'll talk about it?
(sighs)
Come on, Victoria, please?
That a girl.
Hostage training at the academy.
Okay, now, listen-- oh!
(shouting)
Get back in this house!
That was really sweet.
I'll flush your eyes out
when I get back.
Ah.
That's good, she still likes me.
(pins clattering)
Yes!
Sorry, I get excited.
It's okay.
You're a wonderful bowler.
Well, in that case,
Boo-yah!
That's how I roll!
All right, all right,
don't push the cute.
(sighs)
Where are we at?
You're up, like, 38
pins, give or take.
Well, you can still
turn things around.
Whatcha doing?
I'm turning
things around.
Luther:
Attaboy, mike!
