Kickin' It S2E13 - English Transcript

What is taking Jerry so long? We're going to miss the movie. We're going to see a movie? You guys told me we were going to get pizza. That's because if we told you we were going to see, "Secret Agent Moose" you wouldn't have wanted to go. That's because it's about a secret. Agent Moose! Where have you been? Check out my necklace, yeah I got it from one of those crane machines. That's a moon rock bro. From the moon. You believe that rock's from the moon? What you think they fill those arcade crane machines with junk? Oh great, now I'm boxed in by a car full of bald dudes. Jerry, tell me how much room I have. Ah, come on back Rudy, you've got plenty of room. Little more Little more - A little - [Crash] That's good. Okay that was not my fault. [Car doors opening] Oh great, now they're getting out. They look like Shaolin Warriors. - Where'd they go? - What are Shaolin Warriors? [Yelling] Ah! Those are Shaolin Warriors. [Rock music playing] - Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! - That's just how we do. - Come on! And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you. Here we go, let's start the party! Chop it up like it's karate. Everybody! - Don't - Don't - You - You Get all tough with me! I'm saying - Won't - Won't - You - You Come kick it with me? And we could have a ball, run up the wall! - That's just how we do. - Come on! And no matter how much I chop and punch it's not as cool as kickin' it with you. This picture on your driver's license does not look like you. Well I just wanted to look good for the picture, so I got a few highlights in my hair. Oh [Speaking foreign language] Highlights [Laughing] I hope we did not startle you when we jumped on your car. Oh, no we get it, as a Shaolin Warrior you're conditioned to react to the vibrations in your environment. That and we thought mister highlights was going to pull a smash and dash. You guys are the greatest martial artist that ever lived. Your discipline, dedication, and focus, are legendary. I must say you have a very beautiful dojo. Would you like us to give you a quick demonstration? Oh, we'd be honored. Ha! [Grunting] Ha! Wasabi! Very impressive! If you would like maybe sometime you could come to our temple and train with us. Perhaps this weekend? - We'd love to. - That would be awesome. Now, hold on I've got a lot on my plate, let me check the old sched Mm, got a date with Carol Friday night, I can move that to Wednesday. And then bounce Donna to Thursday The twins the twins what am I gonna do with the twins? - Rudy, that's a pizza menu. - Okay, I'm in. This is officially the coolest place I've ever been. We get that a lot. [Gong] We knew this was our home when we broke ground with a pickaxe, and sparked the eternal flame that's burned ever since. - What happens if it rains? - Still burns. - Well, what about strong winds? - Still burns. - How about if it were to be - What are not getting about still burns? Yo, I'm feeling a little gassy, I wonder what would happen if I Don't even think about it Jerry. Oh right, yeah I'll save up for a really big one. Our Grand Master meditates here alone every night. When the light of the moon, dances upon the peacocks tear. Around 9-ish. That is Zang Lu. Guardian of the temple, and next in line behind the Grand Master to control its destiny. By willing his mind a Shaolin Warrior, can make his body withstand any force that comes against it. [Yelling] - Dude that was incredible. - You should consider yourselves lucky Very rarely do we allow outsiders within our sacred walls. Well we're not really outsiders home-slice. In fact you're looking at a couple of black belts right here. So if you think about it we're all part of the same martial arts fam Wow, that's a thick piece of wood. Zang Lu, you are to train these students in the Shaolin way. Unfortunately I do not have the time. It is a request from the Grand Master. Very well. Follow me. We call this, the path of fire. These tiles are heated by the same natural gas that fuels the eternal flame. [Sizzling] The path of fire challenges us to block out pain, and increase our discipline. And one time we used it to make a really big pancake. [Sizzling sounds] [Deep exhale] I got this. I've got just as much discipline as anyone else. I mean not to mention the fact that women can handle ten times more Ah! Sweet cheese that is hot! Let me show you how a man does it Kim. [Quick exhale] [Sizzling sounds] See? Mind over matter. - I'm feeling absolutely no pain - Dude your feet are on fire. - My feet are on what now? - Fire! Fire! My feet are on fire! Oh, oh, oh. So uh, that's how a man does it Jack? Not funny Kim, I just barbequed my piggy's. Why are you eating that cabbage? Gassing up my tank bro. I want to be ready for my alone time with that eternal flame. This is the silent meditation room. I heard some of these guys haven't spoken in twenty years. Dude, you couldn't shut up for twenty seconds. Oh yeah, watch this. [Exhales] Oh here we go. You ever get that thing where you close your eyes, and you see the lights, and shapes, moving around on the inside of your eyelids? Because I'm getting that right now. It happens because your optic nerves are spazzing from the deprivation of stimuli. That's what some people say. The Egyptians believed that there was a Demon living inside your - Enough! - Sorry. [Gasps] - Oh dear. - Oh, oh, oh! - Dude you are so busted. - No I am not! - Oh! - Did it again. - We've got a talker. - Right here. - Take him. - He would not shut up! He would not shut up! [Applauding] And now in honor of your visit, we have prepared a special demonstration of our Shaolin skills. Jerry, can you believe how strong Jerry? Hey, where's Jerry? He said he was "ready to blow", then left. The flame! Jerry! No! [Farting sounds] No! [Explosion] Woo! Oh! You! We open our home to you and your friends and you dishonor us? [Laughing] Yo, I'm not even a little bit sorry, that was awesome! You and your friends must leave. [Gong] My apologies for disturbing you Grand Master Po. A great power has entered the temple. Right back at you Po. He is here to fulfill The prophecy. What prophecy? It has been foretold, that a dark cloud would threaten our temple. But, that a great warrior would arrive to save it. That warrior is here. [Gasping] You! Me? Yes, you! - What is your friends' name? - Ah, that's Jerry. Jerry! You are The Chosen One. Nah. No, no. Uh, I think Grand Master eyebrows needs a nap. Surely you are mistaken Grand Master. This boy cannot be him. There is a way to be certain, Grand Master. We must see if he possess the three diamond mark of The Chosen One. Diamond. Diamond. Diamond! Jackpot! We have a winner! You guys believe Jerry's The Chosen One? Please, Jerry's not The Chosen One. Even he's not dumb enough to believe that. Chosen One in the house, yo! [Car alarm chirping] Okay, you know this is ridiculous. I have to tell them Jerry's not The Chosen One. - Can I say something? - Of course. You found him, which means You are the enlightened one. Jerry is The Chosen One and you heard the Grand Poobah, I am not too shabby myself. Here are fine silk robes for the friends of The Chosen One. - Oh sweet. - Wow. You know, maybe we can stay a little bit longer. Um, I'm gonna need this in a petite hun. Oh. Gather around everyone it is time for me to teach you the way of the swag. Oh I'm sorry, what is "the way of the swag"? Check it chi [Snaps fingers] [Music] [Machine hums] Tomorrow at 9:00, we will extinguish two flames. Yo Zang Lu, what's up with the flame? Nothing to concern yourself with. Okay. Well, I'm off to my meeting with the Grand Master. Yeah, today we're going to share secret mystical powers with each other. He's going to teach me to use meditation to travel through time. And what could you possibly teach him? How to freak people out by flipping your eyelids inside out. [Whistles] See ya. Take it easy you, I am enlightened. [Gong] Everyone! Everyone, I have summoned you to tell you Jerry is a liar. - He is not The Chosen One. - Uh, hello. All: [Gasp] It was never a birthmark, it was a mark caused by his cheap necklace. You have deceived us. You and your friends Are banished from this temple, forever! You heard him, get out! Can you believe these kids? Hey Po, what do you say we grab a quick spritz before dinner. What? Me too, really? I have never been so embarrassed. A whole temple of Shaolin Warriors is unfairly questioning my integrity. Did you guys see these sweet towels I took? What? They expect you to take them. I'm telling you that guy Zang Lu had it out for me. Well maybe it's because you misled everybody and made them think you were the grand high mystic exalted one. Hey, I only believed it because that Chinese Santa Claus said I was. He was all like, "oh, you are The Chosen One". I think Zang Lu liked that the fact I saw him turn off the eternal flame. What are you talking about? That flame has been burning for over a hundred years. Well, he and some other dude shut it off. Then I heard Zang Lu say something about extinguishing two flames at 9:00. Wait, isn't 9:00 when the Grand Master meditates alone? It is. Yo, what about the prophecy about a dark cloud threatening the temple? What are you saying? I'm saying what if Zang Lu is the dark cloud? - Yo, we gotta go back! - Jerry! Let it go, okay, you're not The Chosen One and we're not going back. We were banished. I don't have to be The Chosen One to have a gut feeling something's wrong. And if you guys don't want to come with me I'll go by myself. So you're going back to a place you're not welcome, to face a hundred of the fiercest martial arts Warriors in the world! By yourself? Yes. Yes, I am. I cannot believe we shaved our heads for this. I cannot believe your head is shaped like a lemon. Jack, you okay? I don't know how to say this but My hair was my best friend. Listen, we just have to blend in and get past those guys. Okay, then we can split up and warn Grand Master Po. Excuse me, where are you coming from? Um Where the soul of the sacred tiger Meets the spirit of the half moon. I do not know what that means. We went to the movies. Oh. [Gong] - Oh, Grand Master! - Jerry? Why are you here? - You have been banished. - No, look Zang Lu's planning something, I think you are in danger. Impossible. He has vowed to protect me and the temple. Sadly, a vow I must break. What is the meaning of this? This temple sits on a mountain of natural gas, worth millions. Once you are gone, I will be in control. And will sell it to collect a fortune. But you are a Shaolin Warrior! The ways of the Shaolin are over. And soon, you will be too. Oh, real brave. Take out the old man with the staff. You're right. [Staff clatters to ground] I don't need it. [Groans] That's it, I may not be The Chosen One, but I have chosen to be the one that Oh! O-oh! Not cool man I wasn't finished. [Grunts] Ah! Give me your hand. [Music] [Yells] [Grunts, groans] [Yells] [Yelling] [Thud] Jerry, how did you do that? You just defeated the fiercest warrior in the entire temple. [Gasps] - He gave me - I gave you, what you gave me. Friendship. You came back. Risking your life to save mine. I didn't come back alone. Now I understand why I felt such power. When the Wasabi Warriors are together There is no greater power. He's right guys. Bring it in! You too Grand Master. [Music] Wasabi! Well Grand Master Po, maybe we'll come back and visit you sometime. You and your friends are always welcome here Jerry. - Oh whoa, whoa! - Jerry what are you doing? You just walked over tiles that were 600 degrees, without flinching. Maybe I am The Chosen One. Ah! Nope. Kickin' it with you.