Confessions of a Queen

My family and I have been aware for some time that my peoples, spread far and wide throughout every continent and ocean in the world, were united to support me in the task to which I have now been dedicated with such solemnity. For I can no longer raise money by vile means. Indeed, as Mary of Teck, my grandmother and a direct descendant of the son of Vlad the Impaler was wont to say: The past cannot be cured. However, I have behind me not only the splendid traditions and the annals of more than a thousand years of pillage and ***, but the living strength and majesty of the Commonwealth and Empire; of societies old and new; of lands and races different in history and origins but all, by my royal Will, united in one spirit and in one aim, to make more MONEY for our family! Although my royal rank causes me to doubt whether my kingdom is not more sought after than myself, yet I understand that It is easy to claim that a fool and his money are soon parted. Indeed, there was a time, not so long ago, when many a hapless British peasant and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody. They are most deceived that trusteth most in themselves. So perhaps you think that money is the root of all evil, but have you ever looked carefully at a twenty pound note and asked what is the root of all money? Ha ha ha ha, I do believe that a woman's best protection is a little money of her own. Prince Philip and I also strongly believe that sometimes our best investments are the ones we don't make. Loving money as we love it, is nothing less than mysticism. Being introduced to Money is a glory. My Government will seek to restore confidence in the integrity of the nation's political system by upholding the highest standards of honesty and propriety in public life, as Philip and I do. However, Friends and acquaintances are the surest passport to fortune, and It is often said that Friendship is like money, easier made than kept, but Philip and I sincerely believe that a good reputation is more valuable than money. We were reminded, too, that the success of our finances depended to an enormous degree upon the dedication and effort of an army of unwitting volunteers. Those public-spirited British people came forward in the great tradition of all those who devote themselves to keeping our royal family safe, supported and comforted with their permanent slavery and hard work. At the end of the day, It is a waste of money to help those who show no desire to help themselves. So, Never spend your money before you have earned it. We are delighted that the United Kingdom will continue to ensure that Profit is sweet, even if it comes from deception. Yes, it is true that certain Men and women do make counterfeit money; but I would point out that in many more cases, money makes counterfeit men and women. If God has allowed me to earn so much money, it is because He knows I give it all away. It's a terribly hard job to spend a billion dollars and get your money's worth. We have the best government that money can buy. Philip and I are confident that There is only one class in the community that thinks more about money than the rich, and that is the poor. The poor can think of nothing else. Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations. My Government will ensure that Money is a mechanism for control. I declare before you all that my whole life, whether it be long or short, shall be devoted to the service of Money and the service of our great imperial family to which we all belong. Money is our madness, our vast collective madness. We are both pleased that money is always there in The Commonwealth but the pockets change. Of course we are also glad that It is not in the same pockets after a change, and that is really all there is to say about money, except that IT'S ALL MINE, YOU FOOLS, EVERYTHING YOU BUY, ALL MINE. Lastly, before my family and I forget, In addition to land, we also own all the creatures in the waters surrounding the United Kingdom, specifically, I own all of the sturgeons, whales, porpoises and dolphins, recognized as Fishes Royal. Prince Philip and I wish it to be known that through our great generosity to our British subjects, although It is not illegal to catch or keep a royal fish, if one is caught it must be offered to ourselves first. It is our decision as to what the fisherman can do with the catch, and May we remind you, that Breaking the Royal Fish statute comes with a penalty of up to six months in prison at my pleasure or a fine of 5000 Pounds, or both.