Web Therapy S3E10 - English Transcript

Previously on Web Therapy - Gina's refusing to divorce me. - What? I can't divorce her. The publicity would be so terrible. It was also my first time with a woman. Yeah, as it turns out, I had lost my virginity to Gina. That's all. That's all you need to know. Okay? We are voluntarily taking a tour of prisons because I am going to agree to a lesser charge of making bad financial decisions with money that is not my own. You When did you write a book? You know about my new book about senior abuse. What would you know about senior abuse? Oh, I know far too much. [Jazz music] - Oh, hello, Austen. - Hello, Fiona. [Giggles] Good to see you. You too. You're not married anymore! That's right. She agreed to give me a divorce. Ooh, how on earth did you accomplish that? It was like a miracle. Well, you know, we came back here because it's gonna take four months for all the work to be done on the New York apartment. And shewent back to her old ways, if you know what I mean. - Basically - Well, which ones? Copulating through my entire staff. - Oh, no! - Mm-hmm. It caused a lot of bother in the village. - A few marriages broke up, and - Oh. She had sex with about 72 people. - What? - Mm-hmm. - Including the gay ones. - Oh. So what I did was I replaced all the male staff with female ones. Three days later, boom. She'd packed her bags, taken Angus, and was gone. Oh! She couldn't even wait the four months - No. - in order to move in? No. The woman's an animal, a *** animal. It's a signed, sealed, delivered divorce. - Yes. - Congratulations. Congratulations to you too, Fiona, because you know what that means, don't you? [Laughs] What? This. - Fiona Wallice - [Laughs] Oh. - woman of my dreams - Oh. will you do me the great honor of becoming my wife? Oh, Austen. - Well, let me think. - [Laughs] Do I want to make all your dreams come true? - Please? - Hmm. Do I want to be Lady Clarke and mistress of the castle? Pretty please? - Okay. - [Laughs] Yes, my darling, yes! Of course. Thank you. Thank you, Fiona. - I'm so happy. - Me too. It's so beautiful and so timely. I think so. And I'll get another ring. Mm-hmm. Don't have to wear these anymore. It's a new start. It's a new life a very new life, in fact, because, you know, this whole situation with Gina and the progeny issue of Angus and the terrible, terrible error I made in ever getting together with Gina has made me reassess things, look at my life in a whole different way. Listen, if you if if you're planning on getting a vasectomy, I will support you entirely. Fiona, you're so funny. [Laughs] No, it's something much more spiritual than a vasectomy. - Oh. - Much more - internal even - Oh. than a vasectomy. It's about the way I'm going to change my life. - Oh. - I had an epiphany. - Really? - Yeah. I've realized that for years, I've been obsessed with money and power and being the biggest mogul I could possibly be. And that's not me. Right, you've made it. What I really want is to give all that back, - to give it all away, in fact. - What? And to live a pure and simple life with you - in Africa. - Wh wai I'm actually opening a foundation for penniless orphans, just like Oprah. I'm like a white, male Scottish Oprah. Oh. [Laughing] So you'll just send money over to Africa? All the money's gone. All the money's gone. I've signed all the paperwork. Where Gone? Gone where? Where can it go? Well, to the foundation. I made a few bequests to Kitute and Philomena and a couple of other people. But other than that, I'm broke. [Laughs] And it feels great, Fiona. It feels great. And we are going to live on the grounds in a lovely little mud hut they're going to make for us. It's a whole new beautiful start to everything, Fiona, and you and I are gonna do it. - We're going to live that dream. - Oh. I could just see you now, with your little grinder grinding some corn away and - Me? - Cooking a pig on the fire - Oh. - Swatting the mosquitoes away. Not my strong suit, I'm afraid. And we'll be looking at the stars, seeing the wildebeests running past the orphans. Oh, it's not protected? It's in the middle of nowhere, Fiona. It's in a national park. But there aren't fences for about 300 miles. Oh, it's like a permanent safari. Just imagine lying on your back - Oh, I've done that. - Looking up at the stars - Drinking from a gourd. - Yes. Have you ever drunk from a gourd? No, of course I haven't. No, no. - It's an amazing experience. - All right, but let's just say if we don't like we'll leave the door open. If we don't like it after a day or two, then we move back, and It's too late. I've signed everything. It's gone. It's done. In the foundation, though, how much is left? I mean, how much do you have left anyway that you can spend? It's all going to the foundation. The castle's sold. Everything's sold. Oh, that reminds me. I have some very interesting news about little Angus's real father. So you There's no money. You have no money at all. - Nothing, zilch. - Zero. I'm down on my uppers. I'm flat broke. [Chuckles] But I've never been richer in my life, Fiona. - What? - I'm rich. I'm sorry. I can't I uh-oh. - I'm rich. - We have a problem. I can't hear you. Really? Oh, I can hear you perfectly. I heard "eeh oh ver eeh. " - Oh, no. - Are you sure? It's a bad connec Oh, no! You're breaking up. It's breaking up. I'll send you an email with the details for the flight. - I can't hear you. - Of course we're going economy - Oh, well. It's breaking up! - What? - We're breaking up. - We're breaking up? Oh, we're breaking up. - Yes, Jerome, what is it? - Oh, you're there. - You are there. - Of course I'm here. I went up the stairs, and I was knocking on the door, knocking on the door, and Yeah, I know. I was here. I wasn't letting you in. So was the "go away, go away," was that from you? - Yes, of course it was from me. - Oh, I didn't think - I simply didn't want to answer. - Okay, right. Because I didn't want to see you. I'm reading over my divorce papers. - So that's what I'm doing. - Ah, gotcha. Well, I've got some great news I think, that might - It's gonna brighten your day. - Oh, really? - Yeah. - Oh. As it turns out Gina's baby is mine. I'm the biological father of Angus. How does that brighten my day? I'd like to know. Exactly how? When I told you to just drop it and leave it alone. And instead, you did the exact Okay, yes. All right, fine, Dr. Wallice. I'll do that. Which to you means, I'm gonna pursue it further. I know. I know you knew how much I wanted to be a dad. And so I sent away for a DNA test, and we found out that it's a full match. And by full, I mean, you know, not partial. Yes, because partial is an impossibility. - Exactly. - Oh, my God. I'm finally a dad. That's not good news for me, though, 'cause now you have a child that you have to raise and support somehow. That's right, but not "somehow. " I mean, I have to tell you. You can forget about that raise that I asked for. I am fine with the $425 a week that you pay me because Austen decided to clean house and give away all of his money. The last check he wrote was to little Angus For $20 million. He Austen gave you $20 million? We're rich! He gave Angus. But we, as those who are gonna raise him, are going to be able to experience what that is like, for him to be raised in the manner to which he's become accustomed. What's Amniotic fluid and mocktails, I suppose? Well, no, but we are all gonna raise him, and Austen wanted to Who's "we all are gonna raise him"? I'm not going to raise that child. When Hayley heard about the baby and heard about the $20 million, she suddenly, for no reason at all, said, "I love you. " Oh, for no reason at all, not even 20 million reasons that you could think of? Well, that's sweet. Thank you, Dr. Wallice. But no, I mean, we I always knew she was my only love and my first love, and we're gonna stay together. We're all gonna raise the baby. And not only that, are you ready for this? We bought the house next door. - No, what? Who what? - Yeah. - What house next door? - The house next door. - The house - No, no, no. - No one's bought that house - Yeah. Because there was a crime committed there So no one wants to live in it. Well, the house that we bought it was in foreclosure. We bought it from the bank, and the pool and the guesthouse and the tennis courts and the jacuzzi all ours. Okay, well, let's just think about this carefully, all right? - Okay. - It's a very big house. I know. Very big for two adults and a baby. Well, three. [Door closes] It's me and Hayley and Gina. Gina's already living there. Oh, my God! The jacuzzi jets are "amazeballs. " They're so powerful. - Hi, girlfriend! - Hi, Gina. We're gonna be one big happy family. - Yes! Like Sister Wives. - No. That's not We should build, like, a bridge between the two houses maybe - Oh, no. - Yes! Slumber parties, girlfriend, every night. No, that's impractical. The baby could get hurt on the bridge - Oh. - So you don't want to do that. You know. Where is the baby? Where is the baby? [Whispering] ***. That's my 20 million. - She's gonna be a good mom. - Mm? She'll get there. - Hello, Kip. - Hi. I'm just calling to see if you got the divorce papers. Oh, yes, I did. I have them right here, so What's with all the boxes? Oh. Well, you know, I'm just I thought I'd move into the New York penthouse to just sort of start over. - Oh. - Yeah. So you're really ready to leave the house? Well, I just thought I You know, there's kind of no point in me being here. - You know, but I'll miss it. - Yeah. You know, there are a lot of memories here. Yeah, some good. Well, a lot of them are good. Yeah, not very few. You know, we built a home. We did that. Well, you know, it was a good house. And, uh, now it's a new period in our lives - for both of us. - That's right. Since Ben's been in prison, I've, uh, been out in the field a little bit. Oh. And every woman I've dated is just a worse version of you. Oh. That's - Yeah. - Why would you be dating women? Well, you know, the gay thing You know, I just wanted to rebrand the G. O. P. as gay friendly. You know, I thought that would be advantageous, and, uh, you know, I'm recycling, learning Spanish. Mm-hmm. How progressive of you. Frankly, the gay thing was the easiest of the three. Oh. So fluid with your sexuality. You know, so far, you are the pick of the litter. Oh. [Giggling] That's a really lovely thing to say. Yeah. I didn't know you were interested in women at all. I mean, as I looked over our marital history, I mean, I I thought maybe in the beginning you were interested. You seemed to be. But then I don't know. You just - It seems, well, he's gay, so - Well, that's a you know, I I mean, let's put it this way. It was a phase, a long phase. - A long phase? - Yeah. Years. - Ben, Trent Bonner - You know - The tennis guy. - I don't need - Someone - I don't need the names. I don't need the names. I've got the memories. And frankly, it was something that I just feel like I've gone through, and I'm reentering the true self, me. You know, I've done a lot of soul searching, meditating, and, uh you know, I just feel like, okay. Done. [Chuckles] Over, finished. - Wow. - By the way, how's Austen? Oh, well, that's over. - Really? - Yes. You mean over over, or just maybe over? No, completely over. It's absolutely over. He's left the world. [Laughs] - Oh, sorry to hear that. - He's not dead. He just he's living in Africa somewhere, in a remote village, so Really? That's a switch. - He's dropped out, yeah. - Yeah. Well - Given away all of his money. - Really? - Did you get some? - No. Oh. Well, I guess you could call Austen, uh a phase for Fiona. Yes, I guess so. Sure. And Ben was, uh, a phase for Kip. Yeah. It was, uh you know, I'm not gonna say I didn't enjoy it. Um, but, uh Well, you can't, 'cause there's footage that demonstrates that you enjoyed it very much. [Laughing] Well, that's, uh yeah, why bring that up? - Right. - It's in the past. No, you're right. I'm not being kind. I'm really not. Listen, Kip I really just want you to be happy. - So - Well, thank you. If you still want me to, I will sign this. In fact, I'll sign it in front of you, the divorce papers. Before you do that, listen, I'm coming to Philadelphia on Thursday. - Here? You are? - Yeah. I'm gonna try to rekindle my law practice. Oh! Oh, really? Well, that sounds like an expensive endeavor. Yeah. Don't you worry your pretty little head about that. Okay, I won't. So you're going to return to Philadelphia. I'm not sure, but I miss Philly. I miss a lot of things in Philly. I'm sure a lot of things in Philly miss you too. Anyway, um, dinner maybe? Oh, that would be lovely. We can sign them together If you haven't signed yours already. Have you? Uh, you know, it's weird. I got the papers in front of me, - and, uh right here. - Mm-hmm. And I go to sign them, pick up my pen, and I think I just don't have the impulse to sign them it's weird. That's what I think. - I don't think it's necessary. - I don't either. - Okay. - Shall we rip them up? - Yeah. - [Laughing] Oh, it's heavy. Mine's very thick because Yeah. Well, he had some extra clauses. Yeah, Ben had a lot of extra clauses. - Hello, mother. - Yes, hello. Where are you now? I should say [Southern accent] Well, hello, Fiona. - Are you - I'm at Ben's ranch As I'm sure you can tell. It's a lovely place too. And, oh, I've made friends with some of the cows. - It's really fun. - Oh. You know, I must make a cow puppet. I have a desire now to make a cow puppet. - That sounds fun for you. - Maybe a horse puppet. I don't have a horse puppet. Is that what you called to tell me? Uh, yes. Well, I wanted to tell you that I'm moving to Philadelphia. Oh, what? And Kip has invited me to stay with you. Oh, no, no. That won't work at all. You could live with Shevaun. She has an apartment in Boston. No, no, I must live with you. I'm going to relaunch Kip's public-service identity and image. But, you see, if that happens, then you and I will be living together. That's too much. Seeing each other every day, oh, no. - Oh, no, no, no. - No, no, no. I could not love anything more - than seeing you every day. - Oh. And the guest room is right there in the hou It's in the same house. - Well, yes, of course it is. - That can't possibly work. Because there'll be many, many things to discuss and plan and chart and make graphs about. No, no, that can't possibly work. And I'm a very good graph maker. No, but I don't think it's a good idea. We're trying to rebuild our marriage. - Oh, good. - So, you know so he decided to do it. Well, I'm glad. That's something I can cross off my list. - Off your list? - Yes, indeed. I counseled Kip on the issue, and what we're trying to do is I'm going to relaunch his political career. I'm going to bankroll the entire thing, and my ultimate goal for him is Supreme Court Justice. - I will see to it. - Well And, um, I'm going to guide him every step of the way. You know, I was fairly, uh, instrumental in the seating of both Elena Kagan and Sonia Sotomayor. And if truth be known, Justice Ginsberg was one of my proteges too. Really, those three? Well, that's something I never knew Well, there's a lot you don't know. You know, your father and I were swingers back in the day. Because I don't need to know everything. And we meet a lot of politicians and judiciary executives when you're swinging. That's what they generally do themselves. And so we became very, very close to many congressmen, many senators. And I still have them in my back pocket. Oh. And I think an appointment to the bench will be forthcoming for my Kip. That's a wonderful plan for Kip. There are many issues I'm going to bring to the court to argue. You are going to bring issues to the court? - Yes, indeed. - Okay. I can have a law degree by then, and I'm very interested in ending declawing of cats. That's something I want stopped. Well, if something needs to go to the highest court of the land, I would say the abolition of the declawing If you were a person with empathy for other creatures sentient beings you would understand what it means. Yes. No, you're right. And you're always right, okay? And if you're not right, then you get your way anyway. Hold that thought. Did Austen call, by any chance? - Yes, Austen did call me. - Uh-huh, and? He called to tell me that he's dropping out. He's giving away all of his money, and he's dropping out. So he's not part of my life anymore, and he won't be able to back Kip on your you know, your newest quest. You know, I thought he would do it. I persuaded him, and I was pretty sure I'd been effective. So he did, he's giving his money to charity. That was your idea? He's just going through a phase. He will come out on the other side a more spiritual and uplifted individual. - With no money. - Yes! Because why do nuns and why does the Pope take a vow of poverty? I don't know. I can't tell you why. Because that is the easiest pathway to the Supreme Being. Yes. Okay. And you are always grasping and grubbing for cash. Not grasping and grubbing, but simply asking for remuneration. A handout. A handout! That's all you ever think of is a handout. Not a handout. Not a handout. But some support from a family member. My dear, I've tried so hard to convey to you a message, an inspiration to aspiration. You have so little "aspirative" grace. No. You know what? I've had it. No. You're not moving into my house. You're not backing Kip. You're not publishing this book even. I'll do whatever I have to to make sure that none of this happens. You know what? I'm the writer. I'm the one who wrote two books, not you! You're not the writer! Oh, Fiona. My darling, I had no idea you were suffering so deeply. My goodness, I can see that all that is standing between me and my plans is your pathetic need to be a published writer. My goodness, the green worm of envy must be eating you up. Oh, there's nothing that I can't help you with. I'm your mother. I think I can fix all this. You really must trust me. What do you say? Give me a shot? [Laughs] Garreth Pinke. Hello. Morning, Fiona. Hello! It's so nice to see you. We've never met. No, every time I've been in New York, you've been too busy or had to cancel. - So but I understand. - Very busy. - Yeah. - Life's a crunch. It's good to see you in person. - I have to putting a - Is it working? Face to the the Yes. Oh, yes, this Have you not done Skype before? No. No, terrified that I'd start a fire. Oh. [Both laughing] I don't know how that would happen. Um, but this is how I conduct my sessions, you know. - Oh. - Whatever works for you. - It works beautifully. - Mm-hmm. So, yeah. Oh, it's nice to meet you. That's wonderful. I'm just on my way to New York. I'm getting ready to do the Today Show. No, no, that's I'm glad I got you. Uh, Today Show's not gonna happen. - Oh, no. - Yeah, they didn't want you. So I'm sorry. You know, I just say it. It comes up like gas. And it comes out, so I just say Right, no, I don't want to be one of those pampered celebrities and you can't tell them that you're I can I'm strong. I can handle it. Okay. Well, why? You know, Putsy's been doing so many things. And, um, we looked at it, and they were on the fence a little bit, and the fence had, like, barbed wire on it. - Uh-huh. - And they said, "Ooh, no! - We don't want her. " - Oh. But that's because of the way I'm portrayed. I mean, I think what we really need to do, which would be really intriguing, is you have us both on, and you can get the other side of the story. You know? Listen. Intriguing doesn't sell. No one gives a *** about intriguing. Oh. We need to just get her out there and just sell the book. She's a compelling woman. You're on the cover. You're listed as coauthor. So, you know, just cut your losses and just, you know, have a good day. Well, okay, so what else can I do? If I come to New York, you can put me on a different show? - Happy to do that. - Okay. There is one thing you could do. Yes, okay. Ann Curry has a friend who has It's not really a show show, but it's it's not an aftershow. It's, like, on after the aftershow, if that makes sense. You know how you go to the wedding and they say to the select people, - "Stay for the after-party"? - Right. - Right? - After the This is not that. This is after after the after-party. And people see it, and it'd be good practice for you. And and and So what is it, more of, like, a having coffee with someone? Is it recorded? Is it broadcast anywhere or It's on the It's a web thing. Web thing's not a real show. - It'd be okay. - Right. I just said a thing that I'm so excited about because I just landed a two-parter with Charlie Rose. Oh, I love Charlie Rose! I would love I'm so excited. - Not for you. - Oh. No. Putsy. And we're doing it in the penthouse. - So it's gonna look fabulous. - In my penthouse? Where Putsy lives, in Putsy's penthouse. - It looks fantastic. - No, no, that's my penthouse. It's Putsy's penthouse. That's where she lives. But it really is mine. When I go there and I open a door, do I see you? No. She lives there. Her shoes are there. Her clothes are there. So, when I go there, she's there, not you. Right. And so Charlie's coming there, which is a it is such a coup, 'cause usually he likes to do it - around that big, oak table - Right. With not even a plate or a dish. He doesn't offer anybody anything - Right. - Even a little thing for mints. So I said, "You know what? I don't want to see that. " Who wants to see golden oak now? - That's, like, so 1973. - Yeah, yeah. What's gonna be in the background a brick wall and Peter, Paul and Mary singing? - Right. - You know? So I can be there. It's my home too. So that's perfect. It's a perfect setting for the mother-daughter interview. I think that's how you should pitch it. - No, just her, just her. - All right. Well, you'll introduce the idea, and then just let me know. I can be there. - Yeah, I'll let you know. - All right, that's good. But any other shows that I could do. [Phone ringing] I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, just a sec. Hello? Hi! Yeah. No, I think that'd be great. Fantastic. Yes. Okay, Steve. Yeah, I could meet you in what, five, six minutes? I'll be down You'll be Oh, great. You have a car. Fabulous! It's cold out. - Okay, bye. - But we're talking. - I don't know. - I'm sorry. You said five minutes. I don't know if you'll make it, so You know, 'cause there's a lot to discuss. I mean, I want to know what the I know, but it is the Russian Tea Room. - Oh, is that still open? - Mm-hmm. Redone, and it's fabulous. Just what the plan is for me you know, what's my what's the plan? The plan is basically no plan. I think we're doing well. It's gonna People are excited, and frankly, after seeing all the footage of the campaign, it's best to just keep you away from things, because you know what, Fiona? The camera doesn't like you. And more than that, people don't like you. - It's You're harsh. - People what? See that? That voice? It's like - Yes. - Ooh, ooh, ooh. - My voice? - Yes! It's like a badger in my ear, going gnawing at me. It's like it's not pleasant. My voice is unple It's mellifluous, my voice. - Oh, I'm - I've been told. Ooh, I'm sweating. I'm sweating. So I those are things maybe you should go to, like, a class, and we'll get you maybe we can get you someone who would work with you, you know, like somebody who could help you [softly] tone it down. Tone it down. All right. So you're saying it's better if I come off like this. Well, I don't know. I mean, I've First of all, how can I be not telegenic? My whole career is based on me in front of a camera. You know, and there's not a few clients who have fallen madly in love with me many, many clients. Sorry. Just sorry. - I'm a little sensitive maybe. - Maybe. But it just it's What's that word? Shrill. - Shrill is my mother - Mm. Because she's the one who is shrill. She's the nightmare. She's the one. She bulldozed this whole thing just to keep me quiet. I could have shut this book down, you know, because none of those stories are true. - It should really be in fiction. - Okay. You're the book's publicist, and I'm the coauthor, am I not? MmThere's a Right before "not" is you. You didn't really do much work on it, really. It was a gift from mom. However, I am a coauthor. Uh, yes. On yeah, on the cover "Coauthor. " But we know. Yeah, and I didn't get to approve. I didn't get to approve - Oh, don't you? It's fabulous. - that cover. - I think it looks fabulous. - But I never hit her. I mean, I don't You know, when we took those pictures, you know, she kept trying to bump me, and so I was trying to I was merely trying to swat her hand away. But I think it's great energy. I think it's great energy, and that's why, you know, we all loved it. Here, she's thinking about you and what a miserable child you were, and you're going, "That's not true. " So I think it sort of leave us in a place of, um, "Did she? Didn't she?" Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. Who's who No, my mother is the real nightmare, okay? Because you don't know the half of her. But you need to really know how horrible she is if you're going to represent our story. - Mm-hmm. - You know, I mean, she You know, she really was in a hospital, all right? She's a raving lunatic - Mm-hmm. - my mother, all right? - Mm-hmm. - She was in a hospital. She murdered her roommate, possibly, and she begged me to please take away her power of attorney so that she wouldn't have rights so that she could appear insane and then get off the *** charges. And, you know, she put herself in cornrows and a teardrop here, for people who have murdered people. Mm-hmm. You know, and then was stealing drugs from people and smoking pot. She had a ***. Well, it's sounding a little paranoid to me. I'm not paranoid! I know she's out to get me. And also, you're just running down the woman that I love and the woman I'm going to marry next week. Who? - Putsy. - No. - Yes. - What? - Yes. - You're marrying She's marrying you? Yes, in the apartment next week. In my home? This is the first I'm hearing of it. I'm sorry if that's upsetting to you, and we'll talk about this as we get to spend any time together. You don't have to call me dad. You can call me Garreth. Okay. You're a little old to be calling me dad. And Putsy and I have talked about it, and the first thing we're going to do is shut Web Therapy down. You can't shut me down. - How would you ever do that? - I have friends. And I've got the ear of somebody at a certain magazine that we'll call Time that is looking into doing a story on Web Therapy and how it manipulates people and how it hurts people and how it's not really good for people On my web therapy or Web Therapy? and how it may damage people, and basically it's a sham. So, listen, think about the dad thing. Okay? Sorry about New York, but got to go. Bye. [Jazz music] You had left your sweater on top of the back of the sofa, and there was a sink in the dish, and There was a sink - [Laughing] - A sink in the dish? Really? Yeah, there was a sink in the dish Which is normally, the dish is in the sink. But there was a sink in the dish which felt wrong to me. Okay, well, stop dropping acid. - [Laughing] - That's my helpful hint to you. - Shall we try it again? - No. Yeah! [Laughter] I know. We'll just do without this scene. We'll just keep going. I've spent years grasp [Object falls to floor] [Laughing] I thought a tooth fell out. The victrola hasn't been dusted. - [Laughter] - You know some of the horses weren't stabled last night. The town crier came by with a message for you, and you seemed to You left an apple pie on the sill for a day. I don't know what's going on with you. All right. There was a half-finished cave drawing. [Hysterical laughter] There was half a big ***. [Laughter]