Crackòvia: El show de Blatter / The Blatter Show

FIFA president Joseph Blatter is with us today in Oxford. I'd like to ask you a question: Messi or Cristiano? It depends. Playing football... Or playing bowling!? The funniest FIFA president comes to the stage. Seriously, there's something in which Ronaldo surpasses Messi, and it is... The hair gel bill! With outstanding impersonations. Look. Who am I? Turn around. Cristiano Ronaldo or someone with a stick up their ***? Alright, it's a trick question because Ronaldo... really has a stick up his ***! The man who puts his foot in his mouth unnecessarily. I can't give my opinion about Ballon d'Or because I'm the FIFA president. I'd rather die than express my preference for Messi. Oops! My mistake! Oh, we love to joke around in FIFA. Otherwise, who would ever come up with holding the World Cup in Qatar... in summer!? Joseph Blatter, the Eddie Murphy of Switzerland. There're no Madrid fans here because they don't have a sense of humor. I know that Catalans won't get angry if I make a joke about Barça. Here it goes. Neymar is with Piqué. OK? And Piqué tells Neymar, 'Would you like to come home to work out?' And Neymar says, 'Do you have a training ground at home?' And he answers, 'No, but I have a pool with diving board!' Neymar, diving... Wait a minute! Another joke. "Dad, take me to the circus." "No. If someone wants to see you, they may come home." You liked it! A round of applause for the artist, thanks. Thank you! I'm pissed off. Can't you tell by my face? I have to overdo it because I usually look like angry. Yeah, I'm angry though I scored a brace against those cheap Rayo players last Saturday. Listen, If they're so cheap, how come they were about to equalize? Because... Because of the referee. I was saying that I'm angry because last week Blatter, the FIFA president, compared me to a commandant. And I should be compared at least to a general! Have you seen the giant poster of me promoting my underwear range? And my huge bulge? Listen, Cristiano. I wear your shorts and they're itchy. But they're not on sale yet, you ugly! I know, but I wanted to try them on and I've put on the shorts you wore in the game. Yuck! How disgusting! Remember, Blatter: a general!