Shameless S9E5 - English Transcript

1 So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk, sending prices sky high. Literally, literally taking the grass from its own roots! And now you've got your ConDemNation Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up! Have we had a national *** stroke or what? Is revolution a word? Or was it never? Anybody watching needs to know, we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth. Well, for ***'s sake, we live in Manchester and they charge us for water! I wandered lonely as a clown, necking mushrooms rarely found This green and pleasant land in ancient time Yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak-yak! It's not theirs anymore. This is our England, now. Party! As far back as I can remember, I never wanted to be a gangster. But what chance when you're born into a family like mine? And once you're in that world, image becomes everything. But how long should you carry that image with you? How much does it count as time hurtles on? Even for you straight goers, I bet it was important to be seen as one of the toughest, or coolest kids in school. Does that matter, five, ten, 20 years on, driving your white van or your company car, fantasising about getting a grip of the secretary at the work's do? But in my world, it's harder to shake. What's it going to take to realise that image can mean *** all? Sequels are never as good. I thought the first one was ***. What time's your mum back? Half hour yet We better get a move on, then. What's all this about? Stop it. Aidan? Aidan! Aidan! What's wrong with you? You've been late every day this week. I'll see you there. You're losing it. The cheeky little baghead's swerving again. Name me a junky that doesn't try it on? Laters, Slash. Leave it out, you ***! Urgh! Pay up, or else those needles'll be going into places they really shouldn't! Who's that? Stuart, the window cleaner. Window licker! Always pleading poverty. He needs a visit. Er, why can't *** go? Who you calling ***? Cos you've got more of a presence. No, he hasn't! Oh, come on, baby why do you think we never send you out on your own? Where's he live? Try and make it last longer. Supply's getting low. Thanks. See y'in a bit. Since when does a copy of Manchester Mail cost 40 quid? Nah, they were settling their mum's bill. We had an agreement, Ches. If you serve weed, you come to us It's not weed. Well, it's funny-looking bugle. That's not normal weed. What is it? My cousin sent a sampler. Some herbal ***. Is it legal? Until the government hear about people having a good time. What do you do? Smoke it? Yeah. Pipe, ***, bake in a cake birds love it. Yeah? My Nena's well into that earthy ***, you know, hairy armpits, doesn't shave her legs, *** off full on hairy growler. I love it. Oh, Shane, leave it out. That's all that's left. Well, you're lucky I won't have to tell our Jamie, you'd be taxed a lot more than this. I'm not gonna get in trouble over you. Is Miss Heaton back yet? She'll be back in next week. Driving us mad with her *** poems. Do you think we should hand ourselves in? To who? The police. You right in the head? They might go easy on us. For what? I did nothing. Exactly. So, why haven't you been yet? She knows who we are. Makes you wonder. About what? Maybe Frasier was right. About what? Maybe she wanted it? Miss Sporritt asked me where you were. Look, if you don't get a grip, they'll send you to another school. Least of my worries. Fancy the Trafford Centre? Come on, then. Who's this little honey? Hellooo. Eww. You go, I'll catch you later. You're gonna stay with these jokers? For a bit. It's all right. A little mouse tells me you're behaving irrationally. The police? You know I wouldn't. Cos I'll find you, and I'll kill you. I wouldn't. Living with one of the *** must be messing with you. Must be. She hasn't reported anything. Agreed? So how have we done anything wrong, then? Eh? That's my boy, Aidan, back on track. Too right, the dirty *** wanted it. Just like that little split-*** you were sat with. She's all right. Well, tell her to bring some mates and meet us in the park. She won't want to. Come on, Aidan, share the wealth. Olly hanging out of the back of her, while she sucks me off. Come on. You little ***! You better be on your toes, I'll find you. Do it good then, cos I'll cut you up proper, next time. You all right? Aw! Thought you were at work? Anyone'd think you want me on my back all day. It's a gender thing, women are from Venus, men are arseholes. Thought you were a wanted man this side of Manchester. And everywhere else. Hey, look at this, look at this, eh? Look at that! Life's certainly looking after you, eh? I can still bench press 200 pounds. So can my sister. I can believe that, I've met your sister. Still got the gab, eh? Nice one! Good to see ya. Drink? Yeah. Satan! Get rid of the dog. So you can do me in? Not if you pay up. Behave. It's been slow. Stop lying. You've served enough bagheads to remake Dawn Of The Dead. Where's your Shane? Exactly, he's the horrible one. You can trust me. Just put the dog outside and then we can work on a new repayment plan. It's for the best. Aah! "Where's your Shane?" What you trying to say? Stuart! Stuart, they're getting worse! Aaagh! Get off me, you filthy ***! *** off! Are you the ambulance? I need one! Where's Stuart? Stuart! He's, er, he's just popped out. Aaaaargh! Stomach cramps? I'm having a baby! We should have gone hours ago! I need to get to hospital! Now! Aaaaargh! Please, call an ambulance! Do something! Hello, someone? I'm scared. Just don't worry. Aaaaaaaaagh! There's your cards, yeah? Stick 'em in, anywhere you like. If he worked South Manchester, he might know our Gaz. He's a proper copper. Put people in big jail, not on Fraggle Rock with all the other nonces. Gaz is an armed robber! Yeah, if you say so. He *** is! What's with Derren Brown? Some piece of bacon. Arseholes. Old mate of Jamie's, a copper. Jamie don't have mates in the force. Evening, Officer. Carl Gallagher, how d'you know? This nose can smell pork a mile off, son. Where d'you work out of? Run along, son, no questions. The big boys are playing this end. Carl's all right, he's a mate. What do your superiors think of that, son? Remember this one? I hope this little fella won't follow in his father's footsteps. Never. Jamie's doing all right now. Always knew he had more about him. Hardworking, surrounded by a loving family, that's what it's all about. I've seen good men waste chunks of their lives inside. I'm glad that hasn't happened to your boy. I have an appointment. Listen, mate This isn't the time. I'll be back. Very nice to have met you all. He promised he wouldn't touch any. Not today. Smackhead by name. He hates me going back to college, but I won't let him keep me down any more. Stuart? It's coming! *** ***! We'll be able to get an ambulance. The Scumbag's left the dog! Hasn't fed him either, by the sound. Will the baby be a smackhead? I stopped straight away. The doctor's gone on about the weight, but eating's got to be better than injecting? If you're pregnant, you can get away with it. Been taking folic acid? Daily, high strength and soluble aspirin to thin my blood. Your size and that won't be a bad thing. Oh I used to write. Course you did. Yeah, short stories and they got published online. So why are you bullying people to pay debts? Writing can get lonely. So, read to me. Transport your mind? It'll help forget the pain. Nah, it's nowt really. Be strong, girl, yeah? You're *** on track. Read! "Chapter One, I am born. "Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life" You OK? I think men should have to wear heels. Proper seven inch, ***-me stilettos, just for a day. Are you going to tell me? Five years ago, when you and I were just about to marry, you were having second thoughts. 'I murdered all three of them. I'm not proud of it 'but they deserved it and I'd do it again under the same circumstances. ' It wasn't the clean job I'd hoped. Brooksy made some evidence disappear. Why? Him and me dad came to an arrangement. How much? Brooksy has two houses in Spain, and one in Portugal that I know of. Who knows about this? Me dad, me and now you. Maybe he's just checking up. No, he doesn't make social calls. That's my boy Oooh, yeah Don't do it No! No! Go on, Slappy. No! No! No! For ***'s sake! It's your turn. Already? Your turn to soothe sleeping beauty! No, no! Aidan, it's OK Aidan. NO! Mum? Slag! Aidan, it's all right, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK! Where am I? At home, it's all right, it's going to be all right. I cry, like, ten times an episode. The Hills? One Born Every Minute, keep up. It's hard to concentrate. That fat white bird who had the Chinese twins, wore the deep vein stockings, oh! I'm going to take care of myself after this. Your baby needs you to. It's embarrassing. nothing to show for it. You will have, soon. Anyone can have kids. No, they can't. Your little one will be like the biggest achievement of all. Have you got kids? One day. Do you know what you're having? She's a girl, Jasmine. Nice like the rice. I'm getting up. You gotta go to school, mate. Do you want to talk about it? I can't. You'd be surprised. Poof! Sorry. Does Kelly like her job? Kelly? She likes her independence. Mainly works when she chooses. Dirty ***! Wonder if my mum liked it? That the best you've got? No performance enhancing substances. *** drug tester, here! Oh 'ello darling! Ooooh, YES! Get in! Want to go again, double it? Double it?! That's a lot of money at the minute, so I think quit while we're ahead. She's right, I'm not earning. Better run along, then, do as wifey says. Jackson! Back so soon, mate? Who could stay away from this? You're a very lucky man. I've got to nip to the cash'n'carry, fancy some air? Sure, I'll buy you lunch. Go on? Stand and do nothing! Is that all you're good for? Did you like it? You make me sick. Look, I promise I'm on it. I'll bell you when something comes through. You better do. You're right, it is a bird thing. I need more. You took it all. I'm telling you, she gets filthy on the sniff. You should see the stuff she's doing on this ***. We'll take all your cousin can get. He's been nicked. I thought you said it was legal. It is. So, let's get to Bradford, someone'll know his supplier. He's in Pakistan. ***! I think I can source something over here. The same gear? Hopefully. Cheers, mate. Thank you. The slop in jail was better than this. Just be happy you're not still in there tasting it. So what's this about? Remember my little girl? Vaguely. What happened? Her husband got a bit handy. Broke her jaw, cheekbone She had to get off, in hiding. Piece of ***. Worst thing is, my hands are tied. I'm under investigation. I'd do anything, see ya later, no pension, no property, maximum security for my own protection, in with the nonces and the rag-heads. That'd be the end of me. I don't like asking. I kept you on the outside. We wouldn't want any historical evidence suddenly re-surfacing, would we? No, we wouldn't. How bad do you want him? All the way bad. Still got it in you? Yeah. I'll stay at your place. If I'm in the Jockey, I've got a pub full of witnesses. Where is he? The one in the black. Aaaaaaaaggggghhh, *** hell! Push! Push. Look, the head is right there. Nnnnnngggg! Push! The next one, I can tell. Almost! Go on, girl. Go on! Go on! Aaarrggghh! Say hello to little Jasmine. What's happening? You've got a baby. Where's my money? It's my money. Put the dog away, you can come in. Keep that lazy junkie out of here. It's like that, is it? Shove your *** baby! Satan! Isn't she beautiful? Perfect. Doesn't matter that she's born into this ***. That's just physical, that's easy to change. But her spiritual well-being, you with me? Get your own place. Keep her sheltered, clean, fed, watered. Y'know, all the basics. Maybe even get her some nice jewellery. No piercings, mind. But most of all just love her. With all your heart. She'll feel it. She'll know, and when she's older, understands more she'll draw strength from that love. Your love will empower her. One day, all this will be yours. Liz? What's wrong? Liz?! Help! Liz! Wake up! Oh, ***. ***! Oh, no way! Why aren't you at school? You look worse than I feel. How's Mrs Sporritt coping with you lot? Not been in. You haven't told the police? That's none of your business. I wish I'd done something. Tragically, bystander apathy seems endemic in modern society. Why didn't you report it? Won't that get you in trouble? As I thought. It doesn't matter anyway. I've burned the clothes scrubbed his spit till my skin was raw. Scraped his scalp out of my fingernails. There isn't a trace of his DNA anywhere near me. I'm sorry. You should go. Where the *** have you been? Welcome to the jungle! What's this for? Smackhead Stuart. Ahh, baby done good. Finally grown a pair then? Oh, bullying the weak and vulnerable? Piece of ***. You got tummyache? No, why do you have to be so suspicious? Are you going to tell me what's going on? Look, can't I just fancy some cornflakes? This is going to be interesting. Jasmine must be hungry. Aww! Leave it out, Lillian. You know the new rules. Did he complain? No drink and drugs at work. I won't have it. No, he didn't complain. He made me shove that up his ringpiece once we'd finished. A nifty manoeuvre, earned us another Ј10. I do not have a liquor licence. Running a brothel's illegal anyway, you mental ***! Who are you calling an illegal? I can't risk it any more. So do something about it. I am. You're fired. You're going to sack your best earner? Tilly took twice as much as you last week. Do one, you boggle-eyed old ***. Do you think I need you? Here we go. Never a good time for me to be chatting with the odd lot, Carl. Your mate Brooksy's a very unpopular man. Yeah? Not just the drugs and the money, not just bent as ***, but reckon he fancies himself with a knife. He's in the frame for cutting up a *** in town, three-hundred-and-odd stitches. Yeah, well, you lot specialise in putting people in the frame. Doesn't mean he did it. He did it, mate. His own partner's giving evidence against. So do your job and nick him. Dangerous man to have in your pub. I don't appreciate a veto on who I can serve. Brooksy's trouble. You've got to cut him loose. I can't. I just can't. Some sixth sense told me not to throw these away. Wythenshawe Park Fair, when Connor stuck that candyfloss on her head. Gave her more hair than she already had. Awww! Knowsley. Them Scousers let their kids sit on the car roof. Er, we all did it. Doesn't make it right. She's not going back to that junkie. Stuart won't hang about in that flat. Once the bizzies find that dead body they'll be on the hunt for him. What's stopping you from keeping her? Me?! You'd make a great dad. That's what Liz said. Might be the only chance you get. Aw, ha ha! Bonfire night, Jockey. Toffee apple! Brooksy? Go on. He wants me to have a word with someone. What kind of word? Just scare them. So do it himself. He scares me. Who is it? His son-in-law. Another villain? Straight-goer. So now you're bullying civilians? This guy isn't a nice man. Don't worry about him. We've been here before. You don't have to do this. What choice is there? I'll be a witness. It's barely dawn. I don't care what happens to me. I'll be a witness. You get labelled a grass in Chatsworth, you'll be an outcast. Grassing on rapists doesn't count. Oh, ho ho! I doubt Frasier Kane will see it that way. He doesn't scare me. Oh! Oh, so now you'll stand up to him? You want to do something for me? Yeah. Anything. Right. Start getting up in the morning, shower, make yourself presentable, go back to school. He's been asking about my mate, Letitia. What if he does it again? Well it won't be to me. Careful, or you'll draw blood. What's the emergency? Finally realised I'm irresistible? Another time, Carl. This is important. Your lot want this Brooksy character, yeah? I can give him yer. But I need something in return. Brooksy may or may not have historic evidence from an incident a long time ago. He may or may not have Jamie over a barrel. So, what do you want me to do? I need you to check this guy out. Here's an address. He wants Jamie to do the bloke real harm. Oh, ***. Please, Carl. I'm worried. Yes? Hello. Is Aidan in? And you are? Sorry, I'm his teacher. As far as we know, he leaves here, he goes in every day. We won't be paying any fines. Please? Now? Now. Please, don't. Do you want to be a prison widow? Don't do this. I won't be long, and then it's done. I'm worried they won't believe me. Police attitudes have always been a disgrace. Back in the '70S, every one of us was an IRA suspect. Muslims don't know they're born I say get over yourself. It's a tough old world report it and move on. You do none of us any favours making yourself a victim. She's a teacher, not a ***. By "us" I meant women but thanks all the same for reminding me of me station. Oh, I didn't I accuse Aidan of standing by and I know it makes me a hypocrite. You don't have to explain yourself to us. I'm not brave. I'm sorry. Don't apologise to that little ***. Aidan? Jesus! Are you taking the ***? It's what you smoked. Cow ***? Kanda, Indian cow ***. But I mean, how different can our cows' arseholes be? Are you telling me my bird is a nymphomaniac because of cow ***? There's loads getting on it over there, cheap as ***. I'm not sure this is dry enough. This one is. Think how much of that is out there. An endless supply. Well, is it anything like the last lot? Hanging. Maybe the girls'll still be mad for it? Chesney? Nice but unusual. What are you two doing later? Well what are you thinking? I'm torn between a tuna baguette or being the filling in a Hovis and soda bread sandwich. Oh. That's the best sleep I've had in a long time. Your fish and chips will go cold. What's this about? Please, for ***'s sake don't. That's work checking where I am. I'm due on a shift. I'm under a Protection Order, if I don't answer, they'll be all over the shop. Answer it and behave, or I'll rip your throat from ear to *** ear. Hello? It's for you. Jamie, he's a police officer. His name is Philip Ryan. He's never been married to Brooks' daughter, probably never even met her. The picture Brooks showed you is the *** he's being charged with cutting up. He's trying to make you a cop killer. Jamie? Say his name, Jamie! Say it, Jamie! Philip. This is my mate, Carl. He's a cop. Policeman. Pleased to meet you. I could have the Support Officer here before we start the ice cream. Will he get in trouble? Depends, but probably. It's not about me. No, too right, it's not. You still want to do this? Yeah. And we can do it here? It's the right thing to do. OK. About *** time. Thanks. Summer Scott. 3. 30. Take a price. 'Bout time. Blokes like us we can sniff a plain one a mile away. Yeah, if they'd flashing blue lights round their neck they wouldn't stand out any more. There's no scream going up about the *** I asked you to take care of? I didn't do it. Tell me you didn't call them? Karen. But you let her? She's a strong woman, family minded. Get in there, Red Army! 10-1! So, they're just keeping an eye? As far as I know, yeah. You know what happens now. It doesn't have to be like that. I'm in a corner, kid. No hard feelings? No! Jamie! Jamie! You two were supposed to protect him! Jamie! We'll meet again, kid, nothing surer. Jay, about the other stuff it's been sorted. It'll never see the light of day. You're safe. Are you sure? I'm just the messenger, man. Mam Uncle Will's house is free until he gets back from noncing in Thailand. No-one knows you're in Ludlow. Mam, I've got something I need to tell you Shh. Keep in touch, Daddio. Laters. 'If you're the real deal, you shouldn't need a front. 'The true you shines through regardless. ' *** let me out! 'You can fool some of the people, maybe most of the time but 'how often do we see that the bigger the image, 'the smaller the person inside?' '*** the image. 'Just be yourself. 'Be a man, be free. ' This is better than money, I'm telling you. Two man job, yeah? Done this kinda thing a lot? I like to think I'm an old pro, yeah. Argh, Jesus, Dominic. Who was that? My brother. The priest?! I'm moving in with Clem. Sudden, innit? You can do better. *** you. *** off. What we gonna do about it, then? He's your best mate, I'm a wheeler, I'm not good enough for him, right? It's not what it looks like. You do know that stuff's out of date?