M*A*S*H S2E1 - English Transcript

[Gen. Clayton] The American military presence in Korea is unlike any in our nation's history. Our troops are fighting side by side with 17 other United Nations forces. All in all, a very unique situation. But I can tell you one group that may be suffering an adverse effect the 4077 MASH. I've been getting reports that treating casualties so close to the front is beginning to take its toll. I'm going to send you up to that unit for the purpose of conducting a psychiatric evaluation. Your recommendation will determine if they are to be disbanded and its members shipped to other units. The 4077 is under the command of Lt. Col. Henry Blake. A fine surgeon, Henry. A fair-to middlin'administrator. Blake's people are very devoted to him. And I must say, he is highly thoughtful of them. - Morning, Henry. - Morning, dear. Morning. Oh. That will be two kisses, please. Here you go. Mmm. And here's your change. Blake's company clerk is a, uh, Corporal Radar O'Reilly. There are times, I must confess, when it seems Henry Blake is Corporal O'Reilly's clerk. Sign these, sir. - What am I signing, Radar? - Uh, this is a request to rectify last week's supply foul-up from Quartermasters' Corps. Was there another foul-up in Quartermaster last week? In duplicate and triplicate, sir. Uh, yes, sir. They sent 2,000 specimen cups by mistake. Two thousand. Came in the same order as the 400 breast pumps. - Gee, that's an awful lot - Lot of breast pumps. Yes, sir. - If you'll just initial this, please. - Just initial? The initial signifies that you signed instead of initialed it. - Right. - Thank you. [Whirring] Then there's the chief nurse of the 4077, Maj. Margaret Houlihan. An angel of mercy, Maj. Houlihan. A woman dedicated to giving relief to others. Oh, Margaret. That's delicious. Maj. Frank Burns is the unit's ranking surgeon. A very competent doctor, but a bit of a prude, if you should ask me. Margaret, when you touch me, my knees turn to pudding. Frank, I'll get all messy. You're going to need a bath, you naughty girl. [Bubbling In Water] Maj. Burns billets with two other doctors captains both Pierce and Mclntyre. Two exceptionally qualified surgeons, but in their off-hours, their antics can become quite antic. Separately, they're a handful. Who rewrote these Commandments? [Giggles] Hawkeye, don't. I can't help it. Even as a child, I used to play with my food. Together, Pierce and Mclntyre make a remarkable pair. Gimme three. Uh, two, please. Everybody ready? Two kings. Three threes. - Full house. - Ahh! Pay up! Turn your back. My concern is that the 4077 is operating under more pressure than it can stand. More and more, we're forced to use green troops. And green troops have a way of turning hospitals into standing-room-only. Hot stuff! This one's in shock! This guy's still breathing! Get your butt over here! - I need some help. Hold this. - Are you clean? Hold that. I need some more sponges. - Longfingers. - Longfingers. - We're getting close, Pierce. - Grab that bowel, Henry. - Wait a minute. - I don't think he's got a minute. Come on. More lap sponges, damn it. - Here we go. - Can we watch our language, please? Anytime you want to kick me out of this country club I'll second your blackball. - Can we watch our language, please? - Pierce, you do good work. Oh, yeah. Another three or four wars, I'll be sensational. We're about to button this kid up. Let's get the next one in. Move it! [Jeep Motor Revving] - [Tires Screech] - What happened? - Phosphorous burns. - Water, copper sulfate, quick! - How do they ship a kid like this? - They put him out once. The breeze in the chopper started it up again. - Get some water on there. - Out of the way. Get the fire out first, boys. Get the fire out first. - Move him in. Let's go! - I'll take care of this myself. Klinger! I told you to get out of those clothes. Not till I'm discharged, sir. Hey, hey, hey, hey. You'll get your dress dirty. [Gen. Clayton] As a psychiatrist, you'll be able to tell whether the 4077 can still function as a team. And for your purposes, it might be best to reveal the true nature of your mission only to Col. Blake. Break us up? But you can't break us up. I mean, we've been together so long, we're like a family. Families go their separate ways sometimes, Colonel. Children grow up, leave. I understand. I mean, uh I mean, you're not gonna write down everything I say to you, are you? I have a report to make, sir. Oh, of course. - Like a brandy, Captain? - No, thanks. Gin? Scotch? Rye? Beer? I got it all. Don't get the idea that I drink. I mean, it's just that, uh, you know, uh, every now and then there's a lot of pressure around here, and, uh, you know Not that there's a lot of pressure or anything like that. It's just that every now and then, like your least little pressure, it'll build up to an incredible amount of pressure around here! Radar. - Would you bring in some brandy? - Thought you might like some brandy. That'd be real nice. Um, Capt. Hildebrand doesn't care for any. Oh. Then I won't bring his glass in. Great little kidder, that one. But a crackerjack clerk. Look, you just tell me who it is you want to interview, and he'll line 'em all up for you. My orders are to make discreet observations, Colonel. There will be no interviews. Gee ***, I'd sure like to know what put this bee in Gen. Clayton's bonnet. The 4077 is one of the most committed, responsible bunch of people I've ever had the privilege of being associated with. - [Phone Ringing] - Excuse me. Hello. Yeah, well, show him in. I mean, we have really got some Morning, sir. X rays of the patient with the phosphorous burns, sir. - Oh, uh, thank you, Klinger. - Will that be all, sir? That's more than enough, Klinger. - I can explain that. - So can I. I mean, it's not what it looks like. What do you think it looks like? Well, I think it looks terrible. Well, then, that's what it looks like. Oh, there's nothing wrong with Klinger. I mean, he goes out with girls. He must be stealing their clothes. Ah, he's just bucking for a discharge, that's all. He wants out on a psycho. You know. It's logical. Psycho. I'm familiar with the word, Colonel. Oh, of course. I'd like to get started in the morning, first thing. Well, let me get the billeting on that for you. Uh, Radar, uh, would you, uh - Capt. Hildebrand is gonna spend a day - Or two. Or two. He's gonna spend some time with us before he leaves. - Yes, sir. - Please assign him to the V. D. Tent. - I mean, the P. I. B. Tent. - Follow me, sir. Uh, the P. I. V. Tent. The P - [Hildebrand] Colonel? - Yo. Remember, Colonel Not a word. You have my word. Yes, sir. Hawkeye? Captain? She seemed more like a lieutenant to me. Captain, it's me, Radar. You've got to get up. Get out of here, Radar, or I'll sever every nerve in your butt. It's Col. Blake. He says it's urgent. What is it, a patient? No, just the colonel. He needs you in the shower. You think he'd be old enough to know where everything is. All I know is he says it's important. Trapper? Trapper? - Trap - [Gasping] Look, okay. I know it's dumb to be in here. But Clayton sent this joker Hildebrand to spy on us. And I figured the shower was the safest place to meet. Right? Absolutely. Nobody ever comes in here. - To cover our voices. - [Loudly] What? - To cover our - You got a case of galloping paranoia. Never mind. Now look. I'm the only one who knows this guy's a psychiatrist. And you still got the guts to wear that? Pierce, can you lay off the wisecracks for just five minutes? Oh, he always acts funny in a men's shower. Look, what I'm asking you guys is make that commanding. - Keep it asking. - It's to for pete sakes stop acting like a couple of horse's patoots while Hildebrand is here. Or sure as God made little green apples, he's gonna break us up. And I don't think any of us really want that to happen. I mean, as screwy as this outfit is, better the devil you know, right? - You've got our word, Henry. Right? - Yeah. - Promise? - Promise. Thanks. Henry? Your fly is closed. - [Houlihan] Yes? - Major? - Who is it? - It's me, Henry Blake. - Just a minute. Go. - [Objects Clattering] Come in, Colonel. Hi. Uh, we were just going over tomorrow's duty roster. The one on my desk? He means yesterday's duty roster tomorrow. Never mind. I've got something serious to discuss. - Sir - What is it A Capt. Hildebrand showed up today from Headquarters in Seoul. He's a psychiatrist, and he's here on Clayton's orders. Now, it is my guess that someone in this unit has been rat-finking to the general on the sly. It wasn't me. Anyway, it was my duty to. There is nothing wrong with reporting the unmilitary posture of your command. Just let me remind you, Mrs. MacArthur, that if this unit gets split up, it might just happen that we all get split up. Which means that you and Burns will have to stop practicing medicine together. And whatever else it is you've been practicing. - Sir I'm sorry. - What the hell - Everything's taken care of. - Good. Everybody's agreed to behave themselves in front of Capt. Hildebrand - and make the place look real G. I. - Very, very good. - I want every golf club out. - I took all golf clubs and hid them. - Sew the hole in the shower. - I sewed the hole in the nurses' tent. And I took Klinger's bras and I burned them. ## ["Reveille"] ##[Continues] ##[Continues] Hey! Somebody give the place a shove! ##[Needle Scratches Across Record, Song Continues] - What is that? - This motel is surrounded by soldiers. It's disgusting that you sleep in your underwear. It beats sleeping in yours. We're all gonna make nice for Capt. Hildebrand today, but don't push us. Well, a shave wouldn't be a bad start. You both look more like bums than doctors. Actually, I was thinking of becoming a bum doctor, but the proctology class was full. Ha, ha, ha. - What is that? - "What is that" what, Frank? Why is someone's appendix in this boot? Because the other one is full of tonsils. Uh, Captain? Captain Hildebrand, good morning. - Good morning. - How about breakfast? It's how a very typical day starts here. - Good idea. - [Man Over P. A. ] Attention. Colonel Blake at 16 uh, 1700 hours will deliver his weekly lecture. Tonight's subject will be "Togetherness. " The lecture will be followed by a talk on the perils of trench mouth. I'll have two scrambled powdered eggs and a slice of World War II surplus bread, and don't make it tasty. - [Woman] I'd like some coffee. - Wouldn't we all? There we go. Pierce, Mclntyre, I'd like you to meet Capt. Hildebrand. - He's here to, um, to observe. - Your surgical technique. Oh, really? You got a specialty? - Uh, gynecology. - Nose and throat. Well, you were close, Henry. Uh, mind if we join you? We were going to join the nurses. Yeah, we were going to join them and make one big nurse. [Forced Chuckling] Frank, care for a little company, buddy? - Plenty of room for everyone. - Thanks, pal. Could I have the salt down there, buddy? Listen, could you take it easy with the "buddy" talk? I've got a weak stomach. Thanks. Oh, uh, Maj. Burns, general surgeon, Capt. Hildebrand, nose, throat and bloomers. Hey, Frank. I took a look at that kid whose bowel you resected this morning. That was some job. - What was wrong with it? - Not a thing! You ought to put your monogram on that scar, Frank. That was a thing of beauty. Well, I don't like to brag, but that is my specialty. Oh, I mean to tell you. One look, and I can see your hand all over that gut. Uh, Colonel, may I have the butter, please? - Henry? The butter. - Hmm? Oh, here you go, "Piercelntyre. " The men are always complimenting each other's work. We're thinking of going into practice together when we get home. - Isn't that right, Trap? - We're gonna open our own clinic. That's right. The three of us war buddies would run the place. Frank would park the cars. Great, great leg-pullers, these guys. Is there room for one more? Well, Capt. Hildebrand, this is Maj. Houlihan. - How do you do? Nice to meet you. - Delighted to meet you. She's our head nurse. Best one in Korea. Every nurse I've ever known takes a backseat to the major. Thank you. And you're talking to a man who's taken a lot of nurses into backseats. - Miz Scarlet. - Thank you, Captain Pierce. Pass the butter, will you, Pierce? Thank you. One big, happy family, aren't we? Well mm-hmm. ##[P. A: Woman Singing "Hi Lily, Hi Lo"In Korean] ##[Continues] [Houlihan] Who is it? Who [Indistinct] [Man Over P. A. ] Attention, please. Immediately following mass this Sunday, Yom Kippur services will be held for all Jewish personnel of the Hebrew faith. Childish. Not childlike, with its connotations of innocence and joyous abandon, but childish. Delight in petty bickering, summer-camp capers, and in general behave in a manner ill befitting officers in the United States Army and members of the medical profession. It is to some degree understandable. You are, after all, only three miles from the front. You would not be the first people to crack under the stress of war. I resent that, Captain. I, for one, have not cracked because of the war. - That's true, Captain. - Thank you, Pierce. Frank showed up here cracked. With a Bible in one hand and a pair of shorts that said "hold me" in the other. - Pierce! - Oh, come on, Henry. The party's over. - Now, listen. Don't pay any attention - No, he's right, Colonel. Even tipping them off couldn't keep them from behaving the way they really feel. How would you feel, Captain, if you were forced to serve alongside a pair of medical misfits? Ol�! And this one has no respect for decency. He turns everything into a hollow mockery. That's a lie. I've never once taken out the insides of a mockery. He's right, Captain. They're both impossible. You stay out of this, Hot Lips, or I'll stop selling tickets to your shower day. - [Stomping Feet] - [Stomping Feet] - All right. Steady, people. - You are no gentlemen. - Good thing you are. - How d "I d-d" While you're writing, make note of the fact that thanks to the failure of the world's various elected heads, not to mention just plain dictators, to keep a cold war from turning hot, I am forced to operate alongside a surgeon who can't trim his toenails without committing malpractice. I resent that. - How do you know he meant you? - Well, who else? I mean, uh Uh, Captain, we're not as bad as we seem. There isn't a nurse in camp they haven't tried to ***. Except the male ones. - Speak for yourself. - [Inaudible] That one spies on everybody. Now, dear, he is our son. - He is not! - Sir - He is not! - Sir - Radar, what the hell is it? - Choppers. More wounded. [Helicopter Blades Whirring] - [Chattering, Indistinct] - [Houlihan] We need some sponges here. Okay, who ordered the pepperoni pizza? [Burns] I need some plasma over here! - Here, give me the longfingers. - How's it going, Frank? He's fine. He's young. Need some more light, please. - It's not the light, it's the blood. - Everything okay, Pierce? - Get somebody to give us some sponges. - You got it. - Sponges are here. - I've got a lot of bleeding here. Nurse, gown and gloves, on the double. This is no good. I need suction here. - [Houlihan] Suction. - [Pierce] Clean it out. Clamp. That's better. I can see a little better. - Excuse me. - How are you? Scissors and pickups. - Scissors, pickups. - All right. Okay. That's better. Now we're cookin'. Here we go. [Houlihan] Clamp. Clamp. We may need some How did Notre Dame do? Okay, sew him up and give him his bill. - Oh! - [Shivering] Ten-hut! Thought I might have a word with Capt. Hildebrand. Oh, uh, Capt. Brildehan Hildebrand. Yes, sir. Uh, well, I don't know where he is. He's, uh - He's probably at the, um - [Pierce] Over here. Mon generale. Capt. Hildebrand! These guys make a gin that can melt your dog tags. Comes from a recipe first brewed in Hermann Goering's navel and handed down from war to war. - You had a mission here. - I can give you your report. In my short stay here, I have seen textbook examples of neuroses, psychoses. I have seen voyeurism, fetishism and a few "isms" I never even heard of. And let me tell you this, General: These impossible people are in an impossible place doing totally impossible work. They're mad, quite mad, all of them. And the only act I can think of that would be madder still would be breaking them up. Well, we did it again. Screwed up in reverse. We'll never get out of here. - Um, have a drink, General? - It's 8:00 in the morning. Well, I'd like to propose a little toast. Well - Still in the same tent? - No, sir. They moved me out. Here you go, General. The finest kind. [Man Over P. A. ] Attention. Be sure to follow the zany antics of our combat surgeons as they cut and stitch their way along the front lines, operating as bombs operating as bombs and bullets burst around them, snatching laughs and love between amputations and penicillin. Follow Hawkeye Pierce, TrapperJohn Mclntyre, Henry Blake, Hot Lips Houlihan, Frank Burns, Radar O'Reilly and Corporal Klinger.