Blott on the Landscape S1E3 - English Transcript

BBC Radio 3. This is Brian Kay in London. Good morning. - The forecast from the London weather centre. - Thank you. High pressure is well established over Scandinavia, with some continental air being swept westwards over Britain for several days to come. Ah. Oh, Mr Dundridge, there you are. I was just going to bring you your tea. - No, don't bother. - Oh, Mr Dundridge, look at you. - I've been working late. - I see you have. And always such a straight one. I know you, your kind. - What kind? - That kind. - We'd better get you to your room. - No, please. Well, well. Knickers on backwards. Vest the same. You've been a naughty boy. - I haven't! I don't remember anything. - I don't blame you. You come along with me. You know what we say. The Handyman Arms are open arms. You'd have done better with an early night. Oh, Giles. I wondered what had happened to you. Oh, the whips were out, were they? Yes, I can imagine. Can we expect you home for dinner tonight? Oh, really? Then we'll have to kill the fatted calf, won't we? (TAPPING) What is it, Blott? I am making something for you. A little present. How sweet. Thank you, Blott. I didn't know that you could carve. Oh, yes. Of course. I'm not just gardener, you know. That is how you know me, but it was not always so. And I can make cheeses. I can take pictures. Shoot bullets. Also fly a balloon. "Blott, mow some lawn. Blott, fertilise please the ground. " That is the Blott you know. But there are more Blotts, here and there, now and again. (LADYMAUD) I see. You're a mystery, Blott. It's a very nice present. Well, I hope you like to keep it, to show my very good respect. Yes, I will. Thank you, Blott. What would you like for me to do to you today? Of course, I am at your service. Do I listen at the telephone? Or perhaps you have another earwig coming from the Ministry. Bigwig, Blott. Actually, I thought Mr Dundridge was rather a nice earwig. No. Very silly, and you cannot trust. I hope you're not jealous, Blott. He's on our side. Oh, I know what you can do. Check the estate. Make sure there's no more surveying going on. We got round Mr Dundridge, but I don't trust Giles. He's coming home for dinner tonight, by the way. Can you serve? Really? This is Lollipop. Marvellous work, Bessie. Now onto phase two. I don't see any point in having it pierced. Definitely not. His ***. Ugh, fancy. Mr Dundridge? Mr Dundridge, someone left this package for you. "Very urgent," she said. No, no, just a customer. No, he wouldn't have both done. Surely. (DING-***) Paging Mr Dundridge. - Mr Dundridge, a Miss Boles on the phone. - Boles! Miss Boles. Over there. The white one. - Yes, hello. - Is that Mr Dundridge? How are we today? - Is that you, you ***? - Sally, please. No need for formality now. - What did you do to me? What happened? - Didn't you see? I couldn't possibly have done those things. No right-thinking person I don't believe you were very right-thinking at the time. - What do you want? - L1,000. L1,000? I don't have L1,000. You're blackmailing me. I'm going to go to the police. - You'll be on the front page if you don't pay. - All right, all right. But I can't get hold of L1,000 just like that. (SHE HANGS UP) A thousand pounds? I didn't even do it. If I did, I didn't notice. I say! Isn't she a corker? - Bessie Williams. - Oh, really? Same type as Lady Maud, wouldn't you say? You might say the Worford Methodist Chapel is the same as St Paul's Cathedral or the Vatican. - Good actress, too. - Ye Yes. Oh, yes. What's lover boy got to say for himself now? We've asked him for L1,000. He says he hasn't got it. No, I don't suppose he has, poor fellow. But he will have, never fear. And then we'll have him. I don't think there'll be any more talk of tunnels under the Cleene Gorge. From now on, it's going to be Ottertown all the way. Ottertown? You wanted it to go through the gorge, for the compensation. The trouble with you, Hoskins, is limited imagination. - I don't quite understand. - I don't want to lose my home and my wife. You can't believe that I haven't got the interests of my constituents like General Burnett and Mr Bullett-bloody-Finch engraved on my heart. - But I thought - I'm honest Sir Giles, the poor man's friend. If you want an opinion from a consultant of many years' standing, Sir Francis Puckerington is definitely on his last legs. He was doddering around at the golf club last night. But what? Hoskins, if he pops off, there'll be a by-election. And that changes everything. Ah. - Mr Dundridge? - Yes. I thought so. We haven't met, but I knew I'd seen that face somewhere. Sir Giles Lynchwood. It's time we met. Ah, yes. Sir Giles. I tried to contact you yesterday. - You had lunch with my wife. - We were expecting you. Were we? I've been busy in London with this motorway nonsense. - Look, have lunch with me today, right? - Well, yes. - I'm a bluff man. Won't take no for an answer. - Yes. Looking after you, are they? It is a Handyman House. - If you have any complaints, say the word. - No, no, no. If there are any messages for me, I'm in the Four Feathers. Try this. I recommend the wine. The odd off bottle, but - No, no, I won't, thank you. - Oh, I will. Never grudge a man his vices, I say. Oh, you You expecting someone? - Phone call? - No, no, no. Mr Dundridge, I'm a plain man. I don't like to beat about the bush. I like to call a spade a shovel and not let the grass grow under my feet. So I'll put my cards straight on the table. I don't like the idea of you building a motorway through my land one little bit. - I can understand that. I saw - You've decided to shove it through the gorge. Don't tell me you haven't. Do have a tot. - No, no. After talking to Lady Maud, I took - Fine woman, Lady Maud. Big, but fine. So you picked Ottertown. Clever chap. Best route by far. - Didn't Lady Maud mention my tunnel idea? - Come on, man. We know that's hogwash. - Is it? - Ministry will turn it down. Cost prohibitive. I don't know. I do have the Minister's trust. Don't forget, I have influence. Tunnels may be all right for my wife. They won't wash with me. I want a decision one way or t'other. Yes or no. Yes to Ottertown, no to the gorge. But that doesn't rest with me. Lord Leakham will decide when he resumes the inquiry. Come on. Ministry didn't send you up here for nothing. I know an expert when I see one. Leakham's got to listen to you. He's prejudiced. Something about being poisoned when he had lunch with me here the other day. Yes, well, I suppose I do have some influence. Right. Top men don't grow on trees. And I've got a nose for talent. - You get Leakham to choose Ottertown. - I can't do that. He's adamant. Tell him that my wife intends to take him to the cleaners for unlawful arrest. I have witnesses, influential witnesses here, who will swear he went to that inquiry drunk and disorderly. Tell him he won't have either a reputation or a penny left when we're finished with him. He's not going to like that, is he? He's not going to like it one bit, but I'm not a man to run up against. - Get him to pick Ottertown. - But you I don't know whether you're a betting man. As I say, never grudge a man his vices. I am. I am prepared to bet you a thousand pounds to a penny that Leakham sends the motorway through Ottertown. - A thousand pounds to a penny? - A thousand to a penny. And to show good faith, I'll put the stake up now. If you like. - Any phone calls for me? - No, Mr Dundridge. I'm just going out. If anyone calls, I'll be back in an hour. - Just going for a walk. - Right. Want to leave your briefcase here? No. - How is Lord Leakham? - Oh, much better today. He's sitting out on the lawn over there. He will be pleased to have a visitor. Oh, it's you, young man. Haven't I seen you before? - J Dundridge, sir, from the Ministry. - Ah. I came to see you when you were sick. Well, I'm better now, and reopening the inquiry on Monday. So we won't need you any more, will we? - I would like a word, Lord Leakham. - Eh? Oh, all right. Wheel me. This chap's an old fool. Well, what do you want a word about? Er you see, sir, I've been making an in-depth on-the-spot investigative study of the socio-environmental and geognostic ancillary factors You said "a word". That's not a word. Well, sir, what I mean is that I've now examined the motorway situation in depth, as is my remit, and my considered conclusion about the best route Spit it out, man! Come on. Cleene Gorge or Ottertown? Which are you for? Well Ottertown. You silly fool. Over my dead body. The trouble is, the Ministry is most concerned about the publicity. What kind of publicity do you think you'll get if you pull down 75 brand-new council houses? That has to be weighed against the publicity arising from the civil action being brought by Lady Maud against you, Lord Leakham. - What civil action? - I thought you knew. She intends to sue you for wrongful arrest at the last inquiry. Sue me? Unlawful arrest? Huh! Let her. No sane judge would find for her. I'm advised she's calling in some very eminent people as witnesses to testify that you were drunk. What?! And, er disorderly. And abusive. And, er not in a fit state. I was poisoned by the woman's husband! There's no evidence of that. Medical testimony would go against you. Your reputation would be such that no judgement you made would be taken seriously. The Minister is very concerned. It's absurd. We used to hang women like that. The view is that your judgement would be founded on a personal bias against Lady Maud. Biased? I? Against that old cow? Look, man, you must know the gorge is the only sensible route. Biased against her because of her impending suit. Of course, if you picked Ottertown I wouldn't be biased? I doubt if she'd even bring the suit. - In fact, I'm sure she wouldn't. - Mr Dundridge, this is a corrupt suggestion. It's just that we at the Ministry have to take everything into account. - The Prime Minister is very interested. - I'll think over all you have to say. And I shan't forget you. Now, get away from me. - Any messages for me? - No, Mr Dundridge. Telephone calls? Are you expecting something important? No, not really. That was extremely good, Blott. - You seem to have many talents. - Oh, you think I'm a good cook, eh? He did such a sweet thing today. He brought me a present. A carving in wood he'd done all by himself. - (WHISPERS) It was secret. - Jolly good, Blott. You seem in a remarkably good temper, Giles. What have you been up to? Me? Up to? Nothing at all. - Have you spoken to nice Mr Dundridge yet? - Ah, our paths did cross today, yes. And he still supports the idea of a tunnel? Er, no, no. I think he's gone off that. What have you been saying to him, Giles? Nothing. Nothing at all. You don't have to worry. It seems he's suddenly taken a bit of a shine to the Ottertown route. Shame to turn those poor people out of their houses. Not if it saves Handyman Hall. Anyway, those poor people will get new houses just as good. The world doesn't owe them a living. World's a bloody jungle. It's dog eat dog. Are you quite sure he's going to advise Ottertown? I'm positive. I'll stake my life on it. Hoskins reckons Leakham will agree. He's worried about your threatened suit. Hoskins is a horrid man. I don't trust him an inch. He'd say anything. Well, er he also says that this fellow Dun Dungbridge has taken an extraordinary fancy to you. It seems you had a considerable effect on him, my dear. - Good God! Blott! - Don't worry. Is not such a good dish. It can't be true. Hoskins is just saying that. He's been gushing about you. It would explain why he's fighting hard for the Ottertown route. - Bowled over by your charms. - Was he? Was he really? We'll have to see what Leakham says when he resumes the inquiry on Monday. But, oh, I'd say everything's going your way, my dear. I just don't see what your game is, Giles. No, no. No game at all. Earwig. That earwig! Ah. Officer. What do you want? Shouldn't you be nearer the front, sir, someone as germane as you? No, I've nothing to say. I'm fine here, thank you. You're, erm keeping an eye on things? We don't want a repeat of them scenes, do we? Let's hope His Lordship's in a better temper this time. Yes. Do angels visit you during the night? No, dear. Not angels. An angel came to me in my sleep last night, to give me guidance. - Are you sure you feel well enough to do this? - Oh, of course, dear. Never better. Never better. (CHEERING) Here she comes, our heroine. And Sir Giles. (CHEERING) - So, our battle resumes. Are we in good heart? - Very. - Let's show them they can't knock us down. - We shall overcome! - We shall, shan't we? - Of course we shall. This time we shall win. I can see a small victory. We mustn't forget the adage about counting chickens before they hatch. I hope there aren't going to be any chickens here, Mr Ganglion. (CAR HORN) Well, this is it. Your big day, eh? This could make or break your career, I should think. Yes. Hoskins, tell me, there were no messages for me at the planning office, were there? Messages? No. Expecting something? Oh, no. Just waiting for someone to get in touch. I must say, you've done wonders with Lady Maud. Here comes His Lordship. Silence in in this inquiry room. Ladies and gentlemen, the last session of this inquiry ended regrettably, if not outrageously, in scenes of disorder of which I have never seen the like. I deeply trust that nothing of that kind will be here repeated. This is a solemn inquiry. Let us conduct it in a spirit of sweetness and light. I myself have resolved to forgive and forget. We've examined all the essential evidence. I trust today we shall come to a wise and fair judgement. I myself have received illuminating messages from on high (WHISPERS) He's had the messages. which have clarified my mind considerably. He's as batty as a coot. Tension runs curiously low outside Worford's old courthouse on the first day of the resumed M399 motorway inquiry. Proceedings have been solemn, if not downright boring, an indication, perhaps, that the Cleene Gorge protestors realise that theirs is a lost cause. (CHEERING) That shouting from inside indicates, no doubt, that a verdict has been reached. Now, what will that verdict be? Will it be Cleene Gorge or, less likely, Ottertown? Quickly. The verdict. Mr Ganglion! Mr Ganglion! The verdict, sir. The verdict. Well, viewers, after due consideration and mature thought, Lord Leakham has picked Ottertown. Thank you. Lady Maud! Lady Maud, please, your reaction? A stunning tribute to British justice. Lord Leakham is a shining example to us all. Truth, beauty and the English countryside have prevailed after all. Thank you, Lady Maud. Thank you. Let's now try and find the reaction from Sir Francis Puckerington, MP for Ottertown, who, of course, lost today's decision. I can see Sir Francis coming down the stairs. Let's hope he can give us his reaction. No doubt a disappointed man after the decision. Sir Francis. Uh? This is Sir Francis Puckerington, MP for Ottertown. - Sir Francis, what is your reaction? - I I I I'm over I'm quite over (SIREN) Mr Dundridge. Splendid job. Splendid. I'd like to thank you. - It was nothing. Really nothing. - It was, Mr Dundridge. You've made me very happy. Come and see me before you leave. You're not going soon? - I'm afraid my desk in London calls. - What a pity. We shall be very sorry to see you go. In fact, I shouldn't be surprised to see you back here. Almost worth a bet, eh? (SIR GILES) Marvellous result, eh? And what did I tell you? It's what you wanted? I thought you were after the compensation for the Hall. Nothing was further from my mind, my dear. No, I think it's all working out rather well. Well, Giles, now that it's all over, we ought to be thinking again about that breeding business. - That what business? - Breeding. Sex. The house needs an heir. Sorry, but now that it is all over, I must give time to my parliamentary business. I shall be staying in London for the next few days. I see. Giles, how did you get Leakham to change his mind, and persuade Mr Dundridge to support Ottertown? Your charm, my dear, working on Mr Dundridge. Be a good idea to keep him here, wouldn't it? As you know, I'm not without a little influence in Whitehall. Well, Mr Dundridge, I can't say I'm convinced that Ottertown is ideal. It'll cost another ten million, and it's a marginal seat. But you do seem to have quelled the opposition. I suppose we should congratulate you on having avoided another riot. - Thank you, Minister. - I've had some very good reports. - And the PM said a word. - Oh. You seem to have friends at court, Dundridge. Have you thought what you'd like to do next? Ah. I wonder if now is the time for you to consider my non-interruptive If I could interrupt, we have thought about it. Do you know what I'm doing with you? Making you Controller of Motorways for the Worford region, with responsibility for co-ordinating Sending me back? I don't know anything about motorway construction. I'm not an engineer. Just make sure the contractors stay within schedule and we keep within cost limits. Nothing to it. Basically, yours will still be a public relations role. - Doing what? - Dealing with the angry residents of Ottertown. Using all your tact and skill. Things you're evidently so good at. Sir Giles Lynchwood rang me this morning. "Dundridge," he said, "is a real troubleshooter." - No, I don't want - "Right man in the right place." So get off back there to Worford, Dundridge. We'd like that project implemented as soon as possible. Congratulations. - Are you sure? - Yes, Dundridge. Goodbye. I'm not sure that was wise, Minister. Ottertown will cost millions, it's a marginal seat, and now Sir Francis Puckerington is ill. Nurse. I would like to see Sir Francis Puckerington. I'm Sir Giles Lynchwood. I know, Sir Giles, but he's very ill. Just for a moment. I bring good wishes from his fellow Members of Parliament. A few minutes. Don't say anything to upset him. No, no, no, no, no. Of course not. (REGULAR BEEPING) Hello, Francis, old chap. So sorry to see you like this. Oh Oh, it's you. What's his name? - Mind's a blank. - Giles Lynchwood. I bring party greetings. I say, I hope it wasn't this motorway business that started all this. Eh? Of course course it was. - It was. - Damn bad luck, the ball bouncing that way. I thought, to the last, they'd put it through the gorge. You don't blame our lot, do you? No, no, no. That fellow What's his name? Mind's a blank. - Hanging judge. - Oh, that *** Leakham. Leakham, yes. If you ask me, someone got at him. You don't in any way think I was responsible? No, no, no, no. That madman, Dun Dunderidge. Got a bit too keen on your wife, I hear. No, no. We always work well together. Know each other well. That's right, Francis. I can't wait to see you up and out of here. And listen, you mustn't take that vote of no confidence to heart in any way. - Vote of no co - They don't know what you've done for them. - Vote of no con - (RAPID BEEPING) Didn't you know? Your constituents have demanded that you resign your seat. Now, don't take it to heart. Vote of no confi (CONTINUOUS BEEP) Perhaps it was unwise of me to mention it. (SOFTLY) Nurse. Nurse! - Oh, no. - Nothing wrong, I hope. Wrong? I think he's popped it. (KNOCK AT DOOR) Come in. - I'm back. - Well, well, well. Look who's here. It's the golden boy. Man with friends at court, eh? - I didn't want it, Mr Hoskins. Really. - Never mind. You can do the public relations stuff and leave the engineering to me. You'd better have this office. You're my boss now. - Sorry. - It's all right. I can move next door. You'd better find somewhere to live. Don't want to live in the Handyman Arms all your life. - I hate that room. - Find yourself a nice flat. Something good with a compulsory purchase order on it. Lead your own private life. We all need a private life. - (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Come! Afternoon, Mr Blott. What can I do for you? I don't wish you. I have letter for the new Controller of Motorways. For me? Ah. Thank you. It is private letter. Open it, please. A dinner invitation for tonight of Lady Maud. Thank you. Please! Here it says RSVP. This means yes or no. Do you like to accept it, or not? Well, yes, I'd I'd I'd be happy to come. So you like to accept, eh? You think you will get good dinner? It is possible. I tell her. You see? Your private life's starting already. (GURGLING) Oh, Mr Dundridge. - How lovely. - Good evening, Lady Maud. Am I the first? You're the only. Come in. - There you are, Mr Dundridge. - Thank you. Blott usually does this, of course. It happens to be his night off. - Is Sir Giles? - Yes, he's so sorry to miss you. He has a very high regard for you, as you know. He's had to go to London to deal with his parliamentary business. So I'm all on my own. I'm so glad he spoke to the Minister about you. Yes. Of course, one has to keep up a social face even when he's not here. I did think of inviting General Burnett, the Bullett-Finches, the Percivals. The General does monopolise conversation. - Quite. - Bullett-Finch just talks about his lawn. The Percivals do tend to twitter. So I'm afraid you'll just have to put up with little old me. Splendid. Oh, let me fill that up for you. They tell me you're getting a flat. Flat? Oh, yes. Flat. - When do you move in? - A couple of days. - Nice and private, I hope. - Yes, thank you. Yes. You'll have to invite me over. I'm awfully good at decorating things. - Unless you feel that would compromise you. - Compromise? No, not at all. I'd be delighted to have you. I'll get you another drink. Isn't that a Gainsborough? Not quite. Close. - Retford (!) - You're so amusing, Mr Dundridge. And I don't get a great deal of amusement. One leads an awfully narrow life in the country. I know. Let's open a bottle of champagne with the dinner. - It's oysters and duck. Do you like it? - Of course. Only trouble is, I'm hopeless at opening the bottles. Are you any good at it? - Yes, awfully good. - Are you really? Awfully good? Come along, then. You'd better show me how to do it. (THEY SHRIEK AND LAUGH) Oh, yes, you are awfully good. Marvellous. - Cheers. - Bottoms up. Oh! Dear Mr Dundridge, we'll have to do all we can to make sure you don't get bored. You must be missing the excitement of London. Sir Francis Puckerington died in hospital Minister! Oh! his parliamentary constituency. (PUCKERINGTON MUMBLES) Excuse me, sir. The Prime Minister wants you on the phone. Densher, what are we going to do now? (LAUGHS) Missed. Really? You'll have to do something about your marksmanship. We set great store by it round here. Oh! What fun. The fellow's a bloater! A blighter. And a bounder. (OLD-FASHIONED DANCE MUSIC) (HISS) (HISS) This will teach you to mess with other people's wives. Tango, my dear! Tango! - Tango? - Like this. - Lady Maud, can't we do something modern? - Oh, modern (!) No, John, no, we can't, John! No, we really, really can't, John. Olé! - So, good old Uncle Giles is back in town, eh? - Yes. Oh, we're going to have to give him ever such a lovely time. Now, what could we do that's fun? We could, er have a scrumptious feast. - No. - No. We could, er go for a walk in the park. - No. - No. Or we could do something wicked in the dorm. - I think the dorm, Doris. - Come on. Oh, I see that your friend the Member's just died. Oh, I do hope not, my dear. I do hope not. - Come along, old fellow. - I can't, I can't. Anyway, I really think I ought to be going, Lady Maud. You are supposed, as any properly educated chap would know, to take me out onto the terrace in the moonlight. - Come on. - It's very dark out there. It looks like rain. Silly boy. It's a beautiful starlit night and a lovers' moon. Look, I really ought to be getting back to the Handyman Arms. They talk, you know. Nonsense. Have another glass of champagne. - I won't be able to drive if I do. - You could stay here. There's plenty of room. - Wouldn't be wise. - What has wisdom to do with pleasure? I really must go. Thank you. A most enjoyable evening. Oh, it's ages since I had so much fun. - Most enjoyable. - You must look me up again soon. The sooner the better. Damn. Silly man. He doesn't know what he's missing. Damn. (FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE) (GASPS) Excuse me. I'm Ah. You've gone to bed. I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've had a puncture. Really? In fact, two punctures. Two punctures. If I could use your phone to call a garage. You'd better come in, hadn't you? - Erm, if you could just show me your phone. - Don't be silly. Nobody will come out now. You'll have to stay here. I can find you a bed. - I'm sorry to be - Let's not chat here. Up the stairs, Mr Dundridge. I'll put you in this room, Mr Dundridge. The bathroom's down there. Everything will be ready for you when you've finished. You do look awfully dirty. Oh, yes. Thank you, yes. (WHISPERS) Is anyone there? There you are, you wicked boy! - No! Sorry! I'm in the wrong room! - No, it's not. - No, there's been a terrible - It's not terrible. We both knew, didn't we? Now, be gentle, John. No! No, please. Please. Please. It's not No, please. Let me go. Let me go. - Oh, John! - Let me go! John? John? Where are you? Where are you, John? John? Oh, there you are. Come here. No need to be shy. Agh! Tally-ho-o-o-o! Seen you, boy! Tally-ho-o-o! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo-oo! Whoo-oo! (SHOUTS EXCITEDLY) Whoo-oo! Got you! - Lady Maud. - Blott, what the hell are you doing here?! - I am here at your service. - You work in the garden. - Don't wander round the house with a shotgun. - But I I come to protect your honour. With a shotgun? You're mad. You've been drinking. - I think I hear you call for help. - I've spoken to you about drinking before. Go back to the lodge and get to bed. Lock the front door before you go. Don't want anyone to get in. Or out. Whoo-oo-oo-oo-oo! Agh! Ahhh! That woman! That bloody woman! I'll make sure the motorway goes through her house if it's the last thing I do!