How to Dress for The Apocalypse

How to Dress For the Apocalypse Welcome, to the world's best guide on how to dress for the apocalypse *regular dirty clothes = UNACCEPTABLE* Some of you may know, several years ago scientists fired up the Large Hadron Collider, which may be creating miniature black holes on a daily basis and dropping them into the Earth. "Science" said these black holes disperse, and that loss of containment is "Extraordinarily Unlikely". A week later, their computers were hacked. If a bunch of 13 year olds could hack a delicate black-hole making device, I think it's safe to say the Mayans were onto something. In the coming apocalypse, governments will fall, economies will shatter, and anarchy and chaos will rule the day. Luckily we have been prepared for this eventuality by years of relevant cinema, video games and novels. Perhaps you're familiar with titles such as: Mad Max, Waterworld, Escape from New York, Phantasm, the Postman, the Matrix, Neuromancer, Fallout, Resident Evil, Il Nuovo Barbari... and many more. With my extensive research on the essential fashion elements of the genre, I feel confident in instructing you how to dress appropriately. Clean out your closet, and let's get started. 1 - First, you will need at least one broken and ill-fitting piece of sporting equipment improvising as body armor. Do you have muscles? Better add some, or you'll find yourself taken advantage of in all the worst ways. 2 - Second, you'll need scraps of chainmaille. While modern testing places them as ineffective against both firearms and melee weaponry, it will draw attention to your most vital areas and remind others to please avoid striking them. 3 - Third, you'll need some weapons yourself. Even if you can't fight, no one wants to hang out with a loser who can't accessorize. How embarrassed will you be, when the first people you meet take turns violating your corpse? I recommend at least one hand to hand weapon as well as a ranged weapon to cover the most broad combat circumstances. Remember it, doesn't have to technically work, it just has to look cool. This double barreled machete shotgun will ensure you're appreciated in every social situation. 4 - Don't forget to display all your ammunition. It lets others know you're not bluffing and informs them just how large your equipment is. 5 - An often neglected part of a post-apocalypse wardrobe is the unpaired item that belongs in pairs. Gloves, shoes, sunglasses, bra cups. If your rummaging finds matched items, pick the one that looks in best shape, and throw it away. 6 - The apocalypse has likely killed a large quantity of livestock, so, leather will remain popular among the last vestiges of mankind. One can almost not have too much leather, but remember that symmetry is still your enemy. 7 - Unlike in per-apocalypse culture, the new world will respect creativity and recycling. Stop by your abandoned office and take part of it with you to remind yourself of the person you once were. 8 - Never let yourself be identified. There are no situations in which it could be helpful. "But how will my friends recognize me?" you ask. Huh, not to worry, everyone you knew is already dead. 9 - Finally, and most importantly, is headgear. Put some time into this, when you appear over the horizon on someone's rifle scope, it's the first part of you that will come into their view. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. And there you have it, you're ready for the apocalypse. If you feel embarrassed going out dressed like this, remember that by Christmas (which will surely be cancelled), everyone will be dressing this way by necessity. This is your opportunity to be ahead of the curve. Go be a trendsetter. Show people what is cool before it's cool. One final note, keep a box in your closet in which to place your new wardrobe. If this Apocalypse doesn't turn out the way its forecasters planned, fret not. This happens at least once a year. In such cases, keep your chin up, and better luck next time. Merry Apocalypse Everyone, and Happy Strange New World