Heaven's Gate - Episode 6 - Contract void

[intro music] >> PETER: Hello sir! Welcome to Purgatory. Did you have a pleasant death today? >> RON: Well, my best friend caught me in bed with his wife and stabbed me seventeen times in the chest. And then fourteen times in the stomach. And then another eight times in the chest. >> PETER: So you died doing what you love? Wonderful! Of course, you know what this means. >> RON: Ah, now if this is about the ten commandments... >> PETER: Then you are familiar with them? I thought perhaps you'd missed church the day they did the one about adultery. >> RON: You see, I knew this would happen. I said to Marjorie - that's my mate's wife - "Marjorie," I said, "if they try to punish me for this, there'll be Hell to pay." >> PETER: Precisely correct. And what did she say? >> RON: Um, I think it was "Stop speculating about the bloody afterlife and finish licking this mango chutney off my nipples". Anyway, I'm not having it. >> PETER: Very wise, sir. It's terribly fattening. >> RON: Not the mango chutney, you fool! This contract I've supposedly breached by giving Marjorie the best sex of her life. >> PETER: Oh, I see. Well that really isn't open to negotiation. >> RON: We'll see about that. I demand to see your manager. >> PETER: I'm afraid he's very busy. Someone just prayed for a monkey butler and he's trying to coax it into the tuxedo. However I am fully authorised to deal with the eternal retribution of unfaithful cheating ***. >> RON: Listen sunshine, I'm not accustomed to dealing with lackeys. For your information, I'm the managing director of a major multinational pickle company. Three quarters of the gherkins in western Europe were produced under me! So I expect to talk to someone with real power. >> PETER: Fine, fine. One moment. Could you come through, sir? We've got another one. [sound of beam] >> PETER: How's it going, sir? >> GOD: With the monkey butler? Not very well. I've got him into the tuxedo but you should see what the filthy creature is using to polish the silver. >> RON: Are you in charge around here? I'd like to complain. >> GOD: Oh, you're not one of those are you? "If you're a kind and loving god, why is there so much pain and suffering in the world?" I work in mysterious ways. Get over it. >> RON: Never mind pain and suffering, I want to complain about this arrangement whereby I go to Hell for breaking one of your rules. >> GOD: You knew the deal. >> RON: Did I, though? An old book transcribed from word of mouth accounts told me that if I followed a seemingly arbitrary collection of rules for my entire life, I'd be rewarded after I'm dead. After I'm dead! How convenient! Not much I can do about it then if it turns out it was all a hoax, is there? >> GOD: You're here, aren't you? You can see for yourself it's not a hoax. >> RON: And how was I supposed to know that at the time? Was there a single measly scrap of evidence? Look, we're not that different, you and I. You rule the lives of six billion people, I've overseen the pickling of forty million gherkins. Wherever I find myself, I work my way up to the top job through fair means or foul. We're both leaders. I get it. But if you want people to live by your laws on the promise of eternal reward, give them some bloody proof! "A contract is void if the evidence cannot establish with certainty the terms of a promise." I thus submit that the arrangement is unlawful. >> GOD: Unlawful? I answer to no law but myself! Anyone who breaks one of my commandments goes straight to Hell, no argument. >> RON: Oh, that's what you want, is it? A world of unquestioning minions who blindly follow your every command? >> GOD: Yes, that would be brilliant! >> RON: You might even say you covet it? >> GOD: Yes. What? No... >> RON: Oh dear oh dear. What was that you said? "Anyone who breaks one of my commandments goes straight to Hell, no argument." And here's you coveting a world of unquestioning minions. What have you got to say to that? >> GOD: Oops. [sound of flames] >> PETER: You sent God to Hell! >> RON: So what happens now? >> PETER: I don't know. I suppose... we look for a replacement. >> RON: I expect you'll be wanting someone with management experience?