Speed 2 - Cruise control - Movie review

This extremely ill-advised follow-up to the smash action hit from three years earlier somehow managed to earn over $50 million in profit when it was released in June of 1997. The PG-13 action thriller stars Sandra Bullock and Jason Patric as couple taking a Caribbean vacation aboard a luxury ocean liner when it's hijacked by the nefarious Willem Dafoe. Although future Oscar winner Bullock is beautiful, festive, and decently relatable in the lead... even her participation here was obviously a giant misstep, remarking on her being stuck in another violent situation, "I swear I am never leaving the house again." Patric meanwhile is hokey and uncomfortable every time he's on camera... and is perhaps the least convincing action star in film history, delivering his lines with as much charisma as a wet cardboard box. Dafoe is amusing as the scenery-chewing villain, but for all the wrong reasons... the deranged software designer decides to sabotage the very ship riding on for poorly explained, unbelievable reasons. Whereas the original picture was a literal non-stop thrill ride, most of this 121-minute picture takes place on one of the slowest forms of transportation: a leisure cruise... eliciting absolutely zero excitement in the process. Although the script, originally intended to be third "Die Hard" picture was seemingly re-tailored with Keanu Reeves in mind, he was fortunately smart enough to avoid this terrible project, which stumbles from one ridiculous scene to the next. Everything is far more contrived and goofier too... but the forced humor is never once funny. Let's be honest... it takes a considerable amount of effort to make a film about hijackings, ***, explosions, and bombs boring, but the usually competent director Jan de Bont somehow found a way to do just that. One of the few sequences that works, and actually delivers some tense moments comes when an alarm is triggered, and the troupes of stereotype passengers are forced to flee the boat. Mark Mancina's mostly reggae score is pretty hammy, and often distracting. However, the visual effects by Industrial Light and Magic are top-notch, bringing to life many of the larger, more impressive action sequences. Although it lasts way too damn long, becoming almost a parody of itself, the final climatic sequence, which sees the cruise ship crashing into a Saint Martin harbor is nothing short of epic. Eating up nearly 25% of the film's $110 million dollar budget this climax would set records as the single most expensive stunt ever photographed. But cutting away to the ship's second officer counting down the ship's slowing speed... literally ten separate times is a complete joke. Bullock and Dafoe are also completely absent from the final third of the movie... only reentering the narrative a full 30-minutes later, when it's convenient to the story. We're lucky the movie was a critical shipwreck, otherwise we might have been subjected to Speed 3: Escalator Escape. The 1994 original is one of my favorite action movies, that I purchased on VHS and DVD, re-watching it often. This sequel is a regrettable mistake I hope I never have to watch again. "Speed 2: Cruise Control", "Tensionless drivel, despite fun action." My rating... a TWO. Falling extremely far from the proverbial tree, this may very well be one of the most disappointing and poorly conceived theatrical sequels ever produced. While the final crash sequence is certainly worth checking out, the rest of this movie isn't, and I thought it was BAD.