Melissa & Joey S2E3 - English Transcript

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience. - Hey. - Hey. What are you doing up this early on a Sunday? Those don't look like your churchgoing pj's. - I'm having breakfast. - There's nothing in front of you. And that's where you come in. Oh okay, I see. You know what? You're in luck. You can have a little taste of my magic health shake. I tend to avoid anything that has the word "health" in it for breakfast. Uh-huh, and lunch. And dinner. Come on! A Joe Longo health shake has got all the ingredients to build a strong, lean Well, this. Well, it certainly seems to pump up the ego. Fine, I'll have a health shake, but can you blend a couple donuts in it? Hello. Yeah sure, hold on. - Suzanne Haber for you. - Oh, that's Aidan's mom. Oh yes, Aidan, right. As far as Lennox's boyfriends go, he's the one I've been least interested in strangling. Hi, Suzanne. I don't. But let me see if Lennox knows where he went after he dropped her off. Aidan didn't come home last night and his mom's worried. I know, I know. Look, I do not blame you for worrying about Aidan. It's so sad when parents have no idea what their kids are doing. It's inexcusable. Don't worry, Aidan's okay. Yeah, not for long. - It's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right as far as I can see - it's all good - All good - it's okay - Okay - it's all right - All right I guess you're stuck with me. Heh, good morning. Oh, dude, I so want to have to strangle you. Wait, no no, Joe! - Joe! - Where's my shoes? Don't worry run for your life, run! - Joe, Joe, Joe! - You can run but you an't hide, kid! I know where you live. I dropped you off once. Jeez! Joe, relax. There's nothing to freak out about. Lennox, Lennox, a young man has just spend his last night alive in your bed. I would say that's a little something. Joe, calm down, okay? Your face has reached threat level orange. and right now it's time for a little private talk with Lennox. Agreed. Start talking. Um, Joe, okay, this is going to be hardcore girl talk. There may be crying. Lady-parts are going to be discussed in gory detail. - So? - Yeah, um, lady-parts you've never heard of. Fine, I'm gonna go. So, Lennox. Look, I'm no Encyclopedia Brown. What's an encyclopedia? Uh, well, it's like Wikipedia but with facts, anyway, it-- it looks like, uh You know, you slept with Aidan. Yeah, I've slept with Aidan. Mm-hmm? Mm-hmm. No, just slept! We were watching a movie and we fell asleep. - No sex. - Oh, thank goodness. Oh, what a relief. - Wait, I thought you liked Aidan. - I do, I do. Dan. You know, it's a relief to not walk in on you having sex. You know, sex, which is totally natural and normal for young people to have, provided, like I always say, it's with someone you love a special guy who treats you right. I know, I know, and always use protection. We've had this incormative conversation like 1,000 times. Well, and as I've said 1,000 times, there's nothing inherently wrong with having sex, it's just not something that should be taken lightly. You know, it should be a special meaningful experience, an experience upon which all your future relationships will be based. A foundation, as it were. "Thanks, Aunt Mel. You're the best. " Aw, sweetie, anytime. - Ready? - Ready. - Oh oh! - Whoa, what? Is my kissing that bad? I swear I've been practicing with that pillow you gave me. Oh no no no. Your kissing has improved. It just, um-- it's your facial hair. What are you talking about? It's like-- it's like three hairs. Ryder, you've got to-- no. - What was that? - My therapist and I have been working on getting rid of Bossy Holly and I'm supposed to do this Every time I catch myself thinking controlling thoughts. That's great, Holly. I'm proud of you. What was that? I was thinking controlling thoughts. About what? Squeaky mouse, um, if you wanted to shave I wouldn't be against it. Oh. Um I guess I could. I've just never done it before and my dad's not around so I was kinda hoping I could get Joe to teach me. Joe? No, I'll teach you. I mean If you want me to help you, I'm happy to. - Holly, would you please help-- - Yes, I will! Oh, ow. It's like kissing a cactus. Hey. I just had the strangest feeling of "Deja Joe. " Didn't you already go for a run? I wasn't running. This time I was chasing. Aiden ditched me. He took the coward's way out and hid in a church. Need to burn off some rage, so I did 1,000 squats and, uh, lifted a car. Aww, just like baby Superman. I'm actually thinking about this, though. It's almost better that I didn't catch him. Now I have the psychological advantage. He doesn't know when I'm coming. I could, uh, pop out from behind a bush or from up under a bench. Or reach up from out of a toilet. If I have to, yeah. Look, the point is, fear of the unknown is scarier than anything. You know I'm right about this. Speaking of which, I hope when you had your little chat with Lennox, you put the fear of God in her. Or better yet, the fear of Joe. Uh, yeah. I wasn't going for fear. And anyway, Lennox told me she and Aiden didn't do anything-- no sex at all. Nada. Ninguno sexo. I'm gonna believe that, because, um, I just really need to believe that. I mean, Lennox and I had an open, honest discussion. I told her that sex is a normal, healthy part of life. Okay, that's just sick. See? That there is why we didn't include you in the discussion. Hey, Aunt Mel, Joe. Listen, aunt Mel, I'm really glad we had that talk this morning about sex and boys and that you were so understanding. Uh, look, if I could just point out-- uh, heh, here's what I'm-- look, the point is-- there is no way-- I'm gonna go for a run. He means well. Well, not really, but he lives here and what are we gonna do? So I've given what you said a lot of thought. - Excellent. - I do love Aiden. - Mm-hmm. - I think he's special - and he treats me right. - Mm-hmm. So I'm going to take your advice and have sex with him. Mm-hmm. I'm gonna go for a run. Okay, so check it: I've been going through some stuff, you know, burning off a little rage and about, like, six lbs. Anyway, whatever crazy crap you told Lennox, the most important thing is she is not having sex. Right. Yet. - What? - Uh, Lennox told me she is gonna have sex with Aiden this weekend. That's good. What else did you share with her in this hormonal pep talk you had? Well, I told her sex is something special, meaningful-- it should be done with someone you love. Damn! She used my own coolness against me. I cannot believe this, Burke. You just gave her permission. You practically drove her to a cheap motel, checked her in and put on the "wacka wacka" music. I remember my first time. It was awful. I was 16. It wasn't the right guy, it wasn't the right place and it wasn't for the right reasons. I'm guessing it wasn't when you were 16. - I looked 16. - Oh my God. Will you just please learn from your mistakes then and stop this? There is no stopping this. Somebody's got to be her first. Aiden's sweet. He's president of the student council. He's an excellent soccer player. Is he a great soccer player? That's great? Maybe we could just cheer him on then and perhaps shout "goal. " I'm just saying at least it's someone like Aiden instead of some guy named Todd who installs car speakers. For example. The point is, we're lucky. I think Aiden is the one getting lucky. Yeah, well, it's happening this weekend, so you'd better make your peace with it. No one's gonna get any peace. Of anything. Hey, Holly. I've got everything ready for movie night. Our traditional Saturday night popcorn-- air popped, no butter, no salt. Decaf ice tea, easy ice, sprig of fresh mint and two and half twizzlers each. Perfect, but first we have to take care of one important thing. Oh. No, don't worry. I already used antiperspirant on my hands. They'll be dry for hours. No, you forgot about the-- What? Just spit it out already. You forgot about shaving your face. Ryder, I brought all the supplies. Tonight is the night. I don't know. I promise, squeaky mouse, you've got nothing to worry about. I have years of experience. - You do? - Mm-hmm. See? Silky smooth. You may stroke up to mid-calf. - Knee. - Up to, but not including the patella. Oh, let's do this. Joe, Joe, you will never guess what someone put in their garbage. It's true. One man's trash is another man's-- guests. Mel, have you met Aiden's parents? This is, uh, Suzanne and Mort. Not in person. Hello there, Mel. It's so nice to meet you. So nice. Yeah, it wasn't actually in the garbage. It was just next to it. Well, this is a surprise. Yeah, I thought it'd be nice to invite 'em over to talk about, what the kids are planning on doing this evening. I thought that Suzanne and Mort might have an opinion about it, seeing as how they're the actual parents of one of the teens - you've given permission to have sex. - What?! Permission? No, I am so sorry Joe dragged you into this. No apologies needed. We are all about communication. I'm a cognitive behavioral therapist. - And I'm a psychologist. - Eh? A couple of headshrinkers. Eh, go Freud. We really believe that communication and connection are essential - to successful child-rearing. - Crucial. Crucial. And we love the idea of a parent-to-parent dialog. Yes, well, um Thanks for coming over. If we could just get back to the subject at hand-- you know, this alleged potential Thing that the kids are planning for this evening. Of course, but first-- and let us underline this, - we love Lennox. - Adore her. And we are delighted that she will be Aiden's first sex partner. Good good. What? Wow. We've always told Aiden that he should treat his body with care and respect. And we have the utmost confidence in Lennox's compatibility with Aiden as a lover. Are you guys kidding me right now? You're both nuts, do you know that? When my folks found out my sister was having sex, the conversation began with "when's the wedding?" And ended with Um, hi. What are you guys doing? - It's not about what we're doing. - It's about what you're doing. Now see? That's permission. So this is it, huh? We're just gonna be standing down here while they're up there potentially Having s-s-s-- it's like watching adult movie from outside the theater. What else can we do? We're gonna stop 'em, that's what. No no no, Joe, you can't. Look, did your parents ever say anything that stopped you from doing something you really wanted to do? But, Mel-- I hate this. Did I just hear a bed squeak? - I got to get out of here. - Joe. Joe, hold on. How far are you going? I was thinking, like, um, Michigan. We can't. We have to be here - in case they need us. - Need us? For what, huh? Helpful tips? Some energy bars? - Sit. - No. - Sit. - No. All right, fine. I'll sit. You know what? I'm gonna stay, but I'm gonna stand. Fine. Be as uncomfortable as you want. I don't-- I don't think I could be any more uncomfortable, Burke. I think you'll feel a little better once you've had some medicine. - Medicine? - Yeah, red or white? There you go. This is going to make your face soft and smooth. Wha-- you're gonna shave my face with that lady razor? Uh-huh. Now tilt your head back. - Ryder, relax. - Sorry. Sorry, I can't help it. It's like you're holding a little pink butcher knife. Okay, on three. Ready? - One, two - Augh! Three. Okay, here we go. Yup. Yup yup. - This is all good. - Yeah. There's nothing not good about it. Oh! Sorry. Sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm okay. I'm okay. Am I crushing your leg? - No. - Good. Mmm-- ow ow. Crushing something else. I gotta tell you, Burke, you've really shown incredible restraint and strength during this whole situation. - Really? - Yeah. You know, for not being an actual parent, you're actually-- you're a pretty good one. I guess I am getting the hang of it. And you-- you did not kill anybody. Thank you for noticing. How you doing on the meds? Dose me. Stat. This isn't working, is it? Not really. It's weird. You can hear them watching us and waiting and condoning our behavior. I feel like we're the last two Zoo pandas. I'm sorry. I just don't really want to do this right now. I know. All this acceptance is making me feel so dirty. I should go home. Wait! No, if my aunt sees you leave, there will be all kinds of questions, possibly a survey. Just sneak out the window. Yeah, trust me. It'll be easier that way. It's kind of a long way down. You'd rather have an awkward conversation with my aunt? See ya. Hey, it's Lennox. How was the-- How did you-- Hey, it's Lennox. Nothing happened. Yeah, my first time was like that too. Don't worry. It gets better. No, I mean, literally nothing happened. All we did was kiss. Aiden went home hours ago. What? Why? I don't know. I mean, having all these adults and parents know and everything was kind of a mood-killer. Oh, I'm sorry if I was too Intrusive? Nosey? I was gonna say loving. Look, I know I can't lock you up in a tower-- Joe's looked into it. I just wanna know what's going on because I care. I didn't want this experience to be a bad memory some day. Or in nine months. Sorry if I was uncool. No, it's not uncool. It's loving. Mmm! - Joe. - What? What happened? Nothing. Nothing? Nothing. Apparently our understanding and loving presence killed the mood. They didn't do it. They didn't do it, oh, they didn't do it oh, they didn't do it. This is awesome. This calls for a celebration. You know what? I am breaking out the good meds. - Uh-oh. - What? - Oh, this is bad. - No no no no no. This is-- this is-- this is good. This is good. We were at bad. Now we're at good. - I like good. - Now we don't know when it's gonna happen, or with who! It could be some dirtbag bass player in an old camper shell. - It's like you said - Fear of the unknown? Mmm! Fear of the unknown. I'm gonna be doing a lot of running. - You just, uh, shave? - Yeah. - First time? - Yeah. Aw, my little nephew's growing up. What's that aftershave you have on? Your face smells like strawberries and Jasmine. So does Holly's. Heyyy! - Double standard? - You know it, baby. We just think that the kids should have another go at it. We sense they might have felt blocked. Blocked. Yeah, that's exactly what I was going for. Well, I think after a misfire like that, it's good to get right back up on the horse. Sexually speaking. Uh, so you're calling my niece a horse? Joe, they're all yours. Why thank you, Mel. Uh, listen, I think that you two should probably be leaving before I do something to you That, uh, lands me in jail. I agree.