Hot in Cleveland S4E11 - English Transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded in front of a live studio audience. Oh! Well, this isn't so bad. Mhmm... Has a certain rustic charm. Honest and unpretentious. It's a dump. It looks exactly like I remember it when you and I used to come here on vacation with our husbands. It was a dump then too. Back then, it was called "Camp Shady Pines." Well, now it's "Camp Shady Pines Spa and Ashram." And I have got to fit in that dress that Alec gave me. Why did I say I was a size zero? Zero? Well, after three days on a juice fast, we're all gonna lose weight, and all for 120 bucks a night. In L.A., you can't starve for under a thousand. Gwyneth Paltrow says you forget about food after the first 48 hours, so I did a pre-fast for the last two days. And hour 49? I could eat Gwyneth Paltrow right now. I don't mind the fasting, but do we have to do all the hippie stuff? I'm just here to lose a few pounds. [Laughs] At your age, who cares? Right back at ya. Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com I didn't sleep at all last night. I kept hearing bears. Oh, I'm sorry, I think that was my stomach growling. No, it was outside going through the trash bins. I thought I might find a scrap of something. Welcome, seekers. I'm Yogi Ananda, and I am honored to be your guide. Now, to begin, remove your clothing and gently touch each other. What? No, no, no, no. Aren't you here for the Romance package? We're five women. And we are non-judgmental. Actually, Yogi, we're here for the "Girls Gone Hungry" package. And you should know that the three of us have had our chakras aligned, know our spirit animals, and have been past-life regressed. Let me guess. You're from L.A. They moved here to get laid. In Cleveland, we do things a little simpler. Let me begin by saying that this is a safe and a sacred place. Used to be the ping-pong room. Even in the best of friendships, there are secrets, resentments, things we are afraid to say. - Oh, not us. - We tell each other everything. I have something. I have been taking a class at school that I'm finding really fascinating, and I want to make it my career, but I haven't mentioned it because I'm afraid of being mocked. In this room, we talk from the heart and we listen from the heart. I'm majoring in criminology because I want to be a private detective. I saw that look. That's the look you and I give each other when Victoria says something crazy. What? You're gonna solve crimes like ***, She Wrote? No, not like ***, She Wrote. Real cases, real situations. It's funny. Everywhere ***, She Wrote went, someone died. I don't know why anyone invited her to parties. Well, Joy, you have to admit, it does sound a little out there. Yeah, and isn't it a little, I don't know, seedy? Oh, thanks for your nonsupport. This is wonderful negativity. Let the poison out. Well, I guess if we're letting things out, I noticed when we checked in that you two put each other down as your emergency contacts. Why not me? Honey, you're just not that great in an emergency. What do you mean? When I was in labor with Jenna, and we were driving to the hospital, you stopped and bought a bag at Gucci. It was 60% off, and you were only 20% dilated. We both brought home bundles of joy. It's your turn, Melanie. Is there a secret or resentment you wish to release to the universe? Gwyneth Paltrow's a [Bleep] liar. I meant with present company. Oh, no, I have nothing to resent them for. They've always been honest with me, and I trust them completely. What? What was that look? That's the look they give each other when they have a secret that you can't handle. There's a secret? What secret? It was a long time ago. I didn't tell you because I didn't wanna hurt you, and, now, it doesn't matter anymore. - So, tell me then. - Victoria, remember. You're here to deepen your friendship, and friendship is based on truth. - Just tell me. - Okay. It's about Anders. That was her ex-husband. He hit on me when you two were still married. What? He hit on you and you never said anything? What kind of friend does that? A friend like Joy. He hit on her first and she never said anything. Way to sell me out, Victoria. I can't believe you two didn't tell me! God, he hit on both of you and I didn't even know? Am I really that blind? I mean, was he just hitting on anything that moved? Sounds like it. I'm glad you and I don't have this kind of drama. Elka bosses me around and makes me do stuff I don't wanna do. You don't believe that. No, I don't. [Whispering] Yes, I do. I'm too hungry to sleep. [Sighs] Me too. I think I'm losing my mind. An hour ago, I looked at Victoria's arm and I thought how delicious it would be rolled in bread crumbs and in marinara. I'm all about Elka's arm. She's been marinating in *** for 50 years. [Chuckles] Have you two already said your sorries because I was just coming out to say mine. No. You're right on time. - I'm sorry, you guys. Both: Me too. I want to be a responsible friend that you can count on in emergencies. I was thinking about setting the place on fire so that I could save you all, but... You know, it's just so hard to get that smoky smell out of your hair. We really should've told you about Anders. Oh, no, that's okay. But I can be such an idiot about men, which, you know what, makes me wonder about Alec. What if I'm an idiot with him? What if he breaks my heart too? Oh, honey, that's a risk that we all take when we fall in love. No, but I don't ever wanna feel that kind of pain again. I mean, why aren't I just out enjoying myself, dating a lot of men, living the fantasy, and protecting my heart? Well, you know, if you do decide to stay with Alec, you could hire Joy to tail him. Look, I realize announcing that I want to be a private eye sounds a little sketchy, but with my natural distrust of human nature, I think this is something I could really sink my teeth into. [Chuckles] I could sink my teeth into anything right now, and I can't even distract myself with TV. It's Tuesday night. I should be watching Million Dollar Rooms with Carter Oosterhouse. He is so dreamy, and he can instantly estimate the square footage of any room he walks into. My TV crush is Peter Dinklage. You heard me. Peter Dinklage. I'd like him to scale me like a mountaineer. Well, we'll just have to use nature's TV: Peeping into other people's windows. [Sighs] Someone got the romance package. They're dancing. At least, I think they're dancing. What is he doing with his hands around her neck? Oh, my God! He's strangling her. - I didn't see anything. - Neither do I. Well, I did. Call the police! How? We turned in our phones when we checked in. I'll do it. I never leave home without a burner. What's happening now? The police ranger is at the door. It's opening. - Oh, my God! - Is that the yogi? Yes. I can't believe it. We go on a small, rustic retreat, and the person in charge is a murderer! And you say you're not ***, She Wrote? Wait. The ranger and yogi are coming back out. They're shaking hands. The ranger is letting yogi go. Mm, stop saying "the ranger" and "yogi." It's making me think about pic-a-nic baskets. The ranger is coming over, and he's got some explaining to do. I'm nervous. I used to love cops, and, now, thanks to you and our little business, they make me nervous. He's not coming for us. Just stay cool. I've never been cool. How can I stay cool? Good point. Let's get out of here. [Knocking door] Evening, ladies. I'm Ranger Murphy. Oh, my God! Am I losing my mind, or does that ranger look exactly like Carter Oosterhouse? You're losing your mind. He looks nothing like Carter Oosterhouse. Why didn't you arrest that murderer? Because he's not a murderer. Look, we get these calls all the time. Women come to the retreat, starve themselves, and, a couple days later, they start seeing things. He really doesn't look like Carter Oosterhouse to you? No! He looks like every other guy in Cleveland. [Exhales] I must be having a stroke. Wait, shouldn't I be smelling toast? Oh, I would really love some toast right now. Here you are, and don't think I'm going to let this go. I'm a criminology major. Oh, boy. My advice? Try to relax. Book yourself a massage. I hear the guy here is excellent. Night, ladies. You know, you guys have one of the nicer units here. This looks to be about 1,400 square feet. Come on! He even talks like him. Melanie, you're hallucinating, just like Joy. It's the lack of food. I was not hallucinating. I know what I saw. And because both of your disassociations with reality could be considered an emergency, I fully support whatever you believe you saw. And now, I need to go and lie down. Those things I found on the floor I thought were cheerios were buttons. There you are. It's time for tai chi and they're serving chai tea. I wish it was time for orange juice and they were serving ***. The other girls said their sorries, but we didn't. Don't worry. You said I was bossy. You were wrong. I forgive you. You are bossy. You've always been bossy. When we used to come here, you made me do all kinds of things I didn't want to do. Is this the Jackie O haircut thing again? It didn't suit me at all. You know what works for me. Party in the front, all business in the back. But what you've gotten me into now is the last straw. We're helping people! Yes, but it's illegal, and I'm stopping right now. I'm giving back all my fake IDs. I will miss all the free birthday meals at Denny's that come with them. Mamie, so, if you walk out that door, there's no coming back. [Door closes] [Door opens] So, are we ready? [Gasps] Oh, my God, it's you! Or am I imagining again? No, it's me. Being a ranger in a small town doesn't pay much, so I'm a part-time masseur to make ends meet. So you ready for my magic hands? Oh. [Chuckles] It's just the way you look, and me lying here naked. It's kind of a fantasy of mine. Wow. I don't hear that every day... Or to put it another way, ever. Close your eyes and let me do what I do. Okay. How's the pressure? Oh, great. I'm sorry about my stomach growling. I'm just so hungry. Well, there is a little something extra I've done before that might help you relieve that tension. Something extra? You know, a lot of women are a little skeptical at first, but afterwards, they're very glad they said yes. Oh, my God. Are you talking about what I think you're talking about? I could get you a pizza. [Exhales] I just kept my face buried in the massage table headrest so I wouldn't look at him anymore. Oh, God, he has beautiful feet. Melanie, you said you posed a question to the universe. Should you give your heart to Alec and risk pain or live a fantasy life full of fun and pleasure? [Chuckles] And the universe provided a perfect fantasy. Clearly, your psyche is testing you. Or am I just so hungry, I'm losing my mind? Both things can be true. Duality is an interesting subject. For example, a man can be both a yogi and the Shady Pines Strangler. Joy, for the third time, I didn't strangle anyone. Just as Melanie is struggling with love, you're struggling with this new career path, and your psyche has manufactured a crime you think you have to solve. Oh, God. That makes sense. You were right about Melanie and I think you're right about me too. I am so sorry. I forgive you. And now, I leave you all to your silent meditation. What a pile of crap. He is so guilty. I have got to get into his cabin and find some real evidence. I know. Victoria, book a private session with him tonight so I can get in there. So you're turning to me in an emergency. Only because Melanie has lost her mind. Hey! Yeah, that's fair. [Gasps] [Blow-up doll inflates] Shh, shh, shh! Joy! I told you to keep your nose out of my business! That's what she said. What is wrong with you? Look, I know what I saw. I saw you strangling a woman with long, curly hair and a horrified expression. Oh, dear. I wasn't strangling her. I was deflating her. You're a yogi. It never occurred to me that you'd be manhandling a sex doll. Joy, you gotta get out of here. Uh-oh. You were supposed to keep him busy. Well, I'm sorry. I was on my way to meet him, but then some fan spotted me at the fountain of selflessness. What's with the blow-up doll? Oh, turns out he's not a murderer. He's just a perv. Hey, what are you doing? I'm calling the police. You're so interested in the criminal justice system? You're about to get an insider's view. Oh, let's not be hasty. Listen. You know you're too good for this rinky-*** place, right? Well, I've often thought of taking my astral talents to South Beach. And how about L.A.? I happen to know a certain one-named celebrity, rhymes with "Cher." Wait, I screwed that up. Anyway, she's looking for a new personal guru. She can hook you up with other crazy actresses and you can have your own celebrity ashram in Malibu... [Snaps fingers] Like that. What do you say, baby? You like the beach. [Knock at door] Hungry? Elka? I knew you'd come to the lake eventually. I guess I am kind of predictable. You're also sweet and good and my best friend. You're my best friend too. You want out of our business? You're out. Thank you. I want back in. What? On my way here, I saw the tree I crashed into when you made me learn how to drive, and I passed by that old burnt forest where you taught me how to smoke. I still have trouble with cigars. You gotta keep the stub wet. And I realized that, yes, you pushed me, but maybe I'm one of those people who needs a good push. [Chuckles] Look at us, here at the lake again. Feels like old times. Speaking of old times... Why don't we toast them? I am so sorry about that. I guess I just got a little weak in the knees. Melanie, I've been thinking about you all day. I've been thinking about you too. [Sighs] And you're here, so I guess the universe is telling me that you're what I want. I mean, I think. How about we stop thinking, and I just do this? No! No, I don't want this. I don't want this fantasy. Alec is my fantasy, and he's the only one I want right now. [Gasps] Alec! But it can't be. Oh, who cares? Wow! Who the hell are you? I'm Ranger Murphy, or Carter, or Alec. Who do you want me to be? I don't want you to be anyone. I mean, I'm sure you're fine just who you are, but I do wanna thank you for helping me see that I never really wanted you at all. God, I hate this place. Oh, my God. You're eating pizza. I passed the universe's test and I'm celebrating. Yeah, I don't deserve a slice. Joy was counting on me and I screwed up again. Are you kidding? I'd be in jail if it weren't for you. Victoria, you are a terrible emergency contact, but once the emergency has happened, no one can charm, bribe, and diva their way out of the situation like you can. She's right. I agree with both of you. Now hand me a slice. Elka, what did you do to deserve your slice? I'm 91 and a little buzzed. Me too. How about we go pick up some Cubans? The trick is to keep the stubs wet. Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com