Flight of the Conchords S2E3 - English Transcript

# Eminem is not very good # # 50 Cent is not very good # # Snoop Dogg is not very good # # Mos Def is not very good # # But the Rhymenoceros is very very good... # Bass solo. Bass solo over. # Jay-Z is not very good # # Lil Wayne is not very good # # Queen Latifah is not very good. # - Thank you. - That was brand new. Okay, band meeting. - Uh, well, Jemaine? - Present. Who else have we got here? Bret? - Yup. - And who else? Mu... Mur Ray. Oh. Greg's written this. He's put the Rs too far apart. It's "Murray." Murray, present. Okay, item one: Texas, Lexus... Two rhyming words. Do you think you could use those? - No. - Maybe. "Maybe" from Bret. Item two: Manager's notes from yesterday's gig. Right, here we are. "A good gig. Very enjoyable." Oh, several complaints about the noise. You've got to remember this is in a library, guys. - Bear that in mind. - But it's so hard to play there, because everyone wants us to be quiet. - They're shushing us constantly. - They're trying to read. We might as well not be there if we're not gonna make any sound. You can make sound, just make it so that people can't hear you. Okay. Oh, I've got another note here... "Dissing." I don't know what that means. Does that make any sense to you? Jemaine. Bret dissed a lot of people in that rap that he did. Right. In the song, yeah. Dissing, bad-mouthing. Who are those guys that you were dissing? The only one I could make out was Snoopy. What's your problem with him? - No, it was Snoop Dogg. - I know he's a dog, Bret. I'm not totally in the Dark Ages. I do go out once in a while. - He's lovable. Leave him alone. - No, he's a rapper. They're all rappers. I was just dissing other rappers. Just keep your dissing private, all right? I keep mine private. I mean, I diss Greg sometimes, but I keep it private. You didn't hear that, did you, Greg? Yes, Murray, I heard. You're only supposed to hear when I have the button down. - Can you hear that? - It is broken, Murray. Broken? How long have you been hearing me? All year. Can we get that fixed, Greg, please? - Yes, I'll look into it tomorrow. - Tomorrow? What's wrong with that guy? Useless. What does he do all day? You didn't hear that, did you, Greg? Good, so he didn't hear that last bit. That's how you diss someone. Did you see what I did there? I didn't start a fight with Greg, I didn't hurt his feelings. Greg's got feelings. Have you thought about these rappers that you're dissing? - You might hurt their feelings. - Jemaine's right. You might hurt their feelings, all right? Have you guys ever had hurt feelings? # Some people say that rappers don't have feelings # - # We have feelings # - # We have feelings # # Some people say that we are not rappers # - # We're rappers # - # That hurts our feelings # # It hurts our feelings when you say we're not rappers # # Some people say that rappers are invincible # - # We're vincible # - # We're vincible # # What you are about to hear are true stories # - # Real experiences # - # Autobiographical raps # - # Things that happened to us # - # All true, bring the rhyme! # # I make a meal for my friends, try to make it delicious # # Try to keep it nutritious, create wonderful dishes # # Not one of them thinks about the way I feel # # Nobody compliments the meal # # I've got hurt feelings, I've got hurt feelings # # I feel like a prize ***, no one even mentions my casserole # # I've got hurt feelings, I've got hurt feelings # # You could've said something nice about my profita rolls # # Here's a little story to bring a tear to your eye # # I was shopping for a wetsuit to scuba dive # # But every suit I tried was too big around the thighs # # And the assistant suggested I try a ladies' size # # I've got hurt feelings, I've got hurt feelings # # I'm not gonna wear a ladies' wetsuit, I'm a man # # I've got hurt feelings, I've got hurt feelings # # Get me a small man's wetsuit, please # # It's my birthday, 2003 # # Waiting for a call from my family # # They forgot about me # # I've got hurt feelings, I've got hurt feelings # # The day after my birthday is not my birthday, Mom # # I call my friends, say, "Let's go into town" # # But they're all too busy to go into town # # So I go by myself, I go into town # # Then I see all my friends, they're all in town # # I've got hurt feelings, I've got hurt feelings # # They're all lined up to watch that movie "Maid in Manhattan" # # Have you ever been told that your *** is too big? # # Have you ever been asked if your hair is a wig? # # Have you ever been told you're mediocre in bed? # # Have you ever been told you've got a weird-shaped head? # # Has your family ever forgotten you and driven away? # # Once again, they forgot about J # # Were you ever called "***" because at school you took drama? # # Have you ever been told that you look like a llama? # - # Tears of a rapper # - # Tears of a rapper # # I'm crying tears of a rapper # # Tears of a rapper. # Yes, well, all good examples. - Can we go now? - But my point is: Just be careful around rappers, all right? You hurt their feelings and kaboom... they'll hurt you more than your feelings... they'll hurt your pretty little brain, Bret. It'll be gone, then you'll have no feelings. - How would you like that? - Well, I wouldn't like that. No, none of us would. Okay, point made. End of meeting. Scram. Here in the United States, rivalries between rappers usually result in death or worse. - Death? - Yeah, or worse. Isn't it the same way with rappers back in Newfoundland? - I'm not sure. - New Zealand. Yeah, Jemaine and I, we're the only rappers apart from Steve, but he's... he's a lovely guy. - He's very friendly. - Which rappers did you diss, Bret? I just dissed all the rappers I could think of. Oh ***. You want to be careful, Bret. I heard of one rapper... he chopped this guy's whole body off, just left the *** behind. Don't you mean they... they chopped off his ***? No, I mean they held his *** and chopped his whole body off. That's all he was in the end... a ***. Um, Johnnyboy, thanks for applying to be in my gang. Do you have any gang experience? Do I have gang experience? I was in the Snake Eyes, the Duckies, the Cuckoos, the Vampires, the Pharaohs, the Ballroom Dancers, the Hobo Lords, the Little Enchanters, the... I was a Navy Seal for 15 years. - Okay. - I'm officially AWOL, so don't ask them about my existence, 'cause they'll deny it. - Oh, no, I wouldn't. - Yeah, and next thing you know, it's "Goodbye, Dave," isn't it? - Yeah, I won't tell anyone. - I'd appreciate that, Bret. So, Mr. And Mrs. Li, why do you want to be in my gang? We run the internet cafe downstairs. Vandals graffiti our store window. We want to stop them. He says you have a kind face. Dave, do you have any special skills? I can make a weapon out of pretty much anything that's lying around. Like when I'm gardening, some a-hole tries to sneak up and take me out... watering can tied to a hose. Pop! Cops show up, "What's that, Officer? No, just watering the geroniums." And in '54 I joined the Monkey Lords. After that, the Rockers, the Gentleman Jims, the Tsars, the Stars, the Might Midgets from Queens. So you've had a lot of gang experience, basically. They're all gangs, Big Daddy! - Going down, mate? - Yes, thanks. - Are you a Kiwi? - Yes, hello. I'm Murray Hewitt from the New Zealand consulate. - Oh no. A Kiwi? - Oh no. Uh-oh. Australian. Uh-oh. - Australians, eh? - We're just kidding, mate. - We're from the Australian consulate. - Oh, really? How are New Zealand's mineral exports, Murray? I don't actually know. It's not my department. Ah. Is that them there in your briefcase? - No. - Not in your pocket, mate? Oh. Murray, I think you dropped New Zealand's mineral exports for '08-'09. Yeah. Oh yeah. - No, we're just having a laugh, mate. - Just pulling your ***. Yeah, just pulling your ***. It's nice to meet you, mate. - We should have a beer sometime. - Yeah, okay. That would be great. Okay, guys, there are gangsters out there that have got a major beef with me, so I want a defense schedule. I need to know what times we're available. Mrs. Li? We can do lunchtimes and after 7:00. Otherwise, we're busy in the shop. - Okay. Dave? - I'm available most days after 6:00 but not weekends... and I can't say why. Dinner with your parents? Huh! No. I'm available all the time, but I like to go to bed by 8:00 at night so I can build up my Zs for the next day. Otherwise I get real tired. Oh, and I got to take toilet breaks. I have a bladder thing. Does anyone else have anything like that they want to add? Yeah, if anyone wants me to make them a pair of these bad boys, I'll need about a week's notice. - Cup of tea? - Yes. - Yep. - I'd better not. Oh yeah. Okay. Jemaine. Jemaine! Jemaine, hi. - Hey. - I have something for you. It's fan art. Stop the car, Doug! We're here. Hold on one second, okay? It's in the trunk. - Hi, Doug. - Hey, Jemaine. Where's Bret? - He's in a gang. - Wow. Are you in it? - I don't need to be in a gang. - Here you go. Oh. What is it? You don't like it. I do. No, you don't. You practically admitted that you don't like it. - L... did I? - Oh my God. - You don't like it at all. - No, I l... I like it. - Do you? - Yes. You love it! I can't believe he loves it! Oh God, you should hang it on your wall so you can see how strong and powerful you are, like the god Ra... the sun god Ra... - or like a pharaoh. - I'm not as muscley as that. - Yeah, that's what I said. - Be quiet, Doug. - Be quiet, Doug. - Doug offered to pose, but... it's not the same. Anyways, I made one of Bret, but it came out a little weird, - so don't tell him, okay? - O... okay. It came out ***, actually... some shadowing on the crotch got out of hand, but... - Got it? - Got it. - Bret! Bret! Bret! - We got him good! - Victory to the Tough Brets! - False alarm. It's Jemaine. - It's my flatmate. Sorry, mate. - Can attack! Oh ***. Sorry, man. I couldn't see what was going on from around the corner. - Hey, Dave. - Hey, sorry, Jemaine. We were just expecting Missy Elliot was gonna come and chop my body off. This is Johnnyboy, Mrs. Li. This is Jemaine. - Hey. - Let's go back to combat positions. Good one, Dave. How was your day? Oh, good, thanks. Yeah. - How was your day? - Uh, it was good. I've been in the ceiling most of the day. Bret, is your gang gonna be here all day? Yeah. Why? Well, I don't think there's a real threat. Could you put that in there, please? Right. Bret, what's this I hear from one of the band about you starting up a gang? - You told me to start a gang. - I said rappers have gangs and you shouldn't hassle rappers. No, you said rappers have gangs, so I should start a gang. Typical... you didn't listen. And what's this I also hear from the same source that your gang assaulted Jemaine here in a surprise attack? What were you doing? Is this some sort of initiation for Jemaine into the gang? - No, I'm not in the gang. - No. Why aren't you in the gang? He didn't even ask me to be in the gang. It's got to stop. This gang is disbandoned. - No. Dis... what? - Disbandoned. - Disbanded you mean? - Abandoned? Yup, all of those things. - It's gone. - No. No. - Yes. Yes. - No. No! - Yes! - No. - How about yes? - How about no? - Well, I'd rather you say yes. - No. - Yes. - Uh, Murray? Not now. I'm just in the middle of a debate, Greg. - Yes! - No! Oh, Greg, is this about the intercom? No, the Australian consulate is hosting drinks on Thursday. - We've all been asked to attend. - Oh. I don't really want to go to that. Do I have to go? - I think so, Murray. - Can I have a "plus two"? I don't know. I'll ask. - Thanks, Greg. - No problem, Murray. That would be good. Nice guy, isn't he... Greg? - Yeah, he is. - He's cool. Now, Bret, the reason I'm coming down on you so hard on the gang situation is... I don't want you to think less of me here, but I actually used to be in a gang. That's right. - You did? - Yes. Who was in your gang, you and your mom? No, Jemaine. It was me, my brother Graeme, and my dad Gordon. Mom wasn't even allowed in it. - No one knew why. - So what did you do in your gang? Well, we were a bikey gang. We used to ride around on our bikes. Dad was the leader, Graeme found nice places for us to ride to and I was the guy that looked after the bags. Murray, is there anything band-related in today's meeting? Yes, there is, actually, but I haven't finished my gang stories. I might just head off... I've got gang practice. Gang pr... wait. Bret... Murray, curry. Any use to you? Jemaine! Hey. Hi. - Hey, Mel. - I was just walking past your place and I noticed that the fan art I painted for you was out on the stoop near the garbage. - What? - Oh, what? If you don't like it, Jemaine, I'd prefer if you told me. You don't like it, do you? - L... I like it. - Okay, all right, I'll just take it away. I know what it feels like to not be wanted. - Mel, I had to throw it away! - Why? Because Bret was jealous. Really? Was he going apeshit? He went apeshit. I swear on Doug's life I will fix this rift. I'm gonna take this with me. I'll be right back. Just... Jemaine, stay close. I am close. You're too close now. No, but... closer. Put your feet next to mine That's it. We're together, all right? Okay. You said there was gonna be cheese. You said there was gonna be free cheese. There will be cheese. Over there. Look. Right, let's go and get some cheese together, okay? All right, go. - No, you're too close. - No, that's good. Too close. - Oh, no. - Oh, the mighty Murray. Good to see you. Who's this, Murray... your wife? No, his wife... his wife left him. Jemaine! Is this your girlfriend then, is it, Murray? Huh. No, I'm just his plus one. Oh. No, wait, I know who it is. Miss New Zealand... best looking sheila in the whole country. Sorry, I didn't recognize you without the crown and sash. - Catch you later. - Ah. Who are those guys? Idiots. Official idiots, Jemaine. Let's just get all their cheese and grapes and get out of here. No, I don't have to put up with this sort of behavior. - What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna take it to the top. - No, don't. - I'm taking it to the top. Don't take it to the top. - Excuse me. - Yes? Hello. Ambassador, I'm Murray Hewitt from the New Zealand consulate. I'd like to complain about three of your staff members and their behavior. Oh, sorry about that. You should know that I take these things very seriously. Okay, good. Three of your staff members have been insulting me and my country over the last few days. Oh, what exactly have they been saying? Well, a number of things, but most recently they've been implying my friend here - was Miss New Zealand. - I'm not. - He's a man. - Is that true? - Yes, I'm a man. - Well, look, I'm really sorry about that. But I thought Flossy the sheep won Miss New Zealand every year. Just joking, Murray. Just joking. Greg, what are you laughing for? # I've got hurt feelings # # I've got hurt feelings # # I've got hurt feelings # # I've got hurt feelings... # Mel, I could pose for you. Oh, no thanks. # I've got hurt feelings # # I've got hurt feelings # # I've got hurt feelings # # I've got hurt feelings # # Hurt feelings # # Have you ever been made fun of because of where you were from? # # Have you ever been dissed over the intercom? # # Have you ever found a gift you've given thrown away? # # Have you ever been told that you're the wrong shape? # # Have you ever been told that you're Miss New Zealand? # # Have you ever had hurt feelings? # Come on, Jemaine. Let's go home. Thanks for bringing me to the party, Murray. That's all right. Good cheese, wasn't it? - What are we doing here? - Just stay sharp, man. - Stay sharp. - What am I looking for? We're looking for, basically, all rappers. - All of them? - Yup, just... you know, Mos Def, all the guys. Mos Def, the guy from "Law & Order: SUV"? No, that's Ice Cube, but keep an eye out for him. No no, Ice Cube was in "Are We There Yet?" and "Are We Done Yet?" - No. - Yeah, he was. Are you sure? Yeah, you're probably talking about Method Man - from "Meet the Spartans." - Who was he in "Meet the Spartans"? - He was the Persian emissary. - No, not him. - Snoop Dogg... that's gotta be it. - What was he in? Just about everything. He's in "Starsky & Hutch." He was in "Soul Plane," "Racing Stripes"... he was the voice of Lightning the racehorse. - Yeah yeah yeah. - Yeah, you don't want him on your ***. Hey! Bret, Dave, get those kids. They graffiti our store. - Oh no. - Oh, let's go the other way. - Let's go the other way. - No, Jemaine, no. No, let's keep walking. Well, on behalf of the Tough Brets, I'd like you to stop graffitiing Mr. And Mrs. Li's internet shop. - Who are you? - Yeah, get lost. Stay cool, Bret. Stay cool. Stay cool, Bret. # Bret, cool your jets, don't sweat # # Don't flip, don't get upset # # Bret, let 'em go, Daddy-o # # Listen, Bret, the kid's not a threat # # Not gonna sleep till I found him # # I'll pound him, I'll bet he regrets # # He ever messed with Bret from the Tough Brets! # # Stay cool, Bret, Bret, stay cool # # Stay cool, Bret, Bret, stay cool # # Stay cool, Bret, Bret, stay cool # # Stay cool, Bret, Bret, stay cool # # Stay cool, Murray # # Stay cool, Murray # # Stay cool, Murray # # What's the hurry? # # Hello, Murray, glad I caught ya # # Who's this? Your daughter? # # Your girlfriend looks great, do you want a date? # # Just pulling your ***, mate # # Bam! # # Pow! # # Stay # # Cool # # I'll bet you regret you ever messed with # # Bret and the Tough Brets! # # Stay cool. # Pow. So you should respect other people's property. - Ah! Yeah. - Ow! - Bret, you just kicked a kid! - Sorry. You could get 10 years for that. That's it, we've got to blow, man. Let's haul *** fast. I know a place we can hide till this blows over. - Come on. You dig? - I think so. What the hell? When did this thing go up? Where's the Dapper Dukes' hideout? It was right here. You know, we laid low for three straight months back in '58. Johnny, I think they've probably all retired now. Where'd they go? Come on, Johnny, let's... let's go. It's getting dark. We should probably head off. Maybe you're right, Lil Louie. I'm getting old. This game ain't no good for me no more. I'm sorry, Louie. I'm out. So long, Lil Louie. So have you thought about who's gonna take Johnnyboy's place as the second in command? - Hey. - Where the rest of your gang? - Uh... - What's that doing here? I found that on the steps downstairs. I thought you painted it. Oh my... ugh. Oh my God. Yeah, it's a pretty weird one. How come I'm wearing gumboots? Hey, Jemaine. - Hello. - Hey, Mel. So you saw my painting. Bret loves it. I saw him bring it up a couple of hours ago. Is everything cool between you two? Yeah, it's all better now. Thank you. Great. What are you doing with it? Uh, just showing everyone in the neighborhood. Well, I'd love to come with you. - Oh. - Yeah yeah, let's walk it around and get people's reactions. - Uh... - I'm proud of it too. Big art opening... around the block. Come on. ***. - Who is it? - It's the police. Look, if my mom... I'm not going back to the big house, all right? I'm out of here. Stall 'em. - Hello. - Sir, we've got a report of a kid being kicked on the street by a group of adults. Yes. That was me. They said it was a group of adults. Um, that was my gang. Okay, so why'd you kick the boy? Well, I guess that was gang-related. Well, in the future, I suggest you don't kick children. - Mm-hmm. - We'll let this go because we don't like that particular kid, but we've got our eyes on you. Okay, Officer. Thank you. Whew! Dave, they've gone. Dave? See, Bret? This is what happens when you start rapping. Good one. Look at what you've done to David. Bret, I want out... I want out of the gang. Johnnyboy's gone, Mr. And Mrs. Li are gone. - Where have they gone? - They've gone to Taiwan to visit their son Phang. He just graduated dental school. - Dave... - It's over, man! I'm out. Without you, man, I've got no one. Maybe there's someone else who'll be in your gang. - Someone whom you haven't asked. - Who? Jemaine's talking about Jemaine, Bret. You could've asked him... or me... but you didn't. - You didn't ask us. - Do you guys want to be in the gang? - Yes! - Yeah. I'd like to, yeah. Oh, that's cool. Then there's four of us. No, there's three, 'cause I quit and so should you. And you, Jemaine, if you know what's good for you. Dave's right. Sorry, guys, I'm out of the gang. Well, if you're out and you're out, then I'm out. - Really? - Yeah, I'm out. You're out as well? Well, I'm not leaving. So that's it... I'm in. I'm the gang. I'm the Tough Brets. This is a painting I did of Jemaine. As you can see, I pretty much got the handsomeness. That's Jemaine. If you don't believe it, he can take his shirt off and you can be sure about it. Oh, hello. This is my painting. I did this painting. This is Jemaine. This is him. He's my muse. He is my muse and my joy. People don't appreciate art, do they? Unbelievable.