Jude Awakening

(BREATHING HEAVILY) How you doin'? (DEEP VOICE) What's up, boo? What's happening here? (NORMAL VOICE) What? Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) You promise not to tell anybody? Nope. All right, fine. Um, I'm about to ask Jude out. On a date? No, for a gunfight at high noon. Dating a co-worker, huh? You know, they say you don't want to dip your pen in the company ink. Yep. (SIGHS) You don't want to get your nookie where you get your cookie. Never heard that, but okay. If you both punch the clock, don't show her your... Yeah, I got it. Anyway, don't tell the other guys that I'm gonna ask her out, all right? 'Cause I don't even know if she's gonna say yes. Hey, Milo. What are you doing here? Hey. Oh. Just stopped by to see if Tyler wanted to grab a drink after work. And then I realized that he couldn't because I'm busy. You didn't realize you were busy until you showed up here? Yeah. It could happen. Well, I'll leave you two alone. Uh... (CLEARS THROAT) Jude? Yo. Do you want to maybe grab a drink after work? Oh, yeah. That'd be great. Oh. Cool. Perfect. Um, I was thinking we could go to this... Hey, guys. Me and Tyler were gonna grab a drink. You guys want to come? Absolutely. Yeah. Sounds good. Oh, uh... Hey, Neal and Gibbs, I remembered I was gonna ask you guys if tonight you could help me move. Move? You found a new place? Oh, "Move"? No, I didn't mean to say "Move." I meant "groove." You know, like, uh, like, uh, like dancing. You want Gibbs and Neal to help you dance? Yeah. No. I just thought that, you know... Maybe my moves could use a little fine-tuning from the fresh factory. Gibbs and Neal are the fresh factory? Ohh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Back in the '80s, they were in this massive break-dancing troupe... You need to stop talking. Milo, do you want to join us? Yeah, I could really use a drink. Oh, right. I'm a terrible friend. Have you seen that cellphone commercial where the old guy is telling the younger guy not to be afraid of love? Oh, my God. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. I saw it. And then you realize that the old guy is talking to a younger version of himself, and he says, "Hold on to her. (VOICE BREAKING) "She's worth it." Oh, God. Here we go. I haven't seen that commercial yet, (VOICE BREAKING) but you paint a pretty beautiful picture. Have you seen that one, Gibbs? Yeah, I saw it. It was cute. It's cute? It didn't move you? Not really. I'm happy with my cellphone plan. Wow. You are quite the robot. (SCOFFS) What... Oh! I'm gonna grab that booth. What do you mean you don't cry? Well, (SIGHS) here we are, free from the confines of the office. Yep. No more rules. Guess not. You know, it's funny. When I asked you to come here, I kind of meant just you and me... Sorry I'm late. I was walking in, and the craziest thing happened. A girl smiled at me. Hey, here's an idea. Why don't you go back and talk to her? You think? Or bring her over here. Or bring yourself over there. Eh, what's the point? We make some small talk, go home together, and best-case scenario, we end up awkwardly trying to please each other? Wow. You are one miserable son of a ***. You must have cried when your grandparents passed away. They lived long lives. It was their time. Childhood pet? Never had one. You never had a pet? Mmm. Not even a dog or a kitty or a (VOICE BREAKING) fuzzy? Oh, boy. Here we go. Okay, this is going oddly well. She just asked if I wanted to head back to her place. What'd you say? Nothing yet. Ran over to tell you guys. Why? I thought you'd want to know. Why do you keep coming over here? Oh, I can't believe you actually like me, so I'm seeking confirmation from my friends. (LAUGHS) Wow. You are so funny. No one else seems to think so. (LAUGHS) Stop it. Let me grab my jacket. Ah, well. She wants you to go with her. Oh! Okay. You've never cried in your entire life? Well, there was one time. I knew it. Tell me the story. I was eight. It was the evening before Christmas. You mean Christmas Eve? Who's telling this story? It was the evening before Christmas, and all year long, I'd been asking my parents to get me the "Great Santorini" magic kit. And I knew my mom hid the presents in her closet, so I snuck in there to see what she got me. And there it was. I could hardly sleep, I was so excited. Until the next morning, when my cousins came over to open presents. A "Great Santorini" magic kit! I didn't even want it, but yes! Whoa! "A young person's guide to the weather"? (CHUCKLES) That was the last time I cried. (VOICE BREAKING) So, you never got your magic kit? Nope. But I did learn the difference between hail and sleet. You know what? I'm just gonna lay my cards on the table. Do you want to get out of here and grab a quiet drink, just you and me? Look, Tyler, I'm flattered, but I just don't think it's a good idea for people who work together to get involved. Oh. What, you thought I was asking you on a date? (CHUCKLES) That is so funny. (LAUGHS) Are you buying this at all? Not really. I didn't think so. Oh, crap. (CHUCKLING) Hey, what are you doing back there? Jude Cavanaugh? Ted! (CHUCKLES) Hey! Tyler, this is Ted Spence. We used to work together at The Atlantic. You know, I'm over at CNN now. I actually just got back from Haiti for the earthquakes. Before that, I was in Sao Paulo for the nuclear meltdowns and then in Greece for the riots. Man, you do not have good luck when you travel. So, Jude, somebody said they saw a piece of yours in something called Full Steam? Oh! Now I remember. It was a story on personal grooming. Was it called "Taint Misbehaving"? Possibly. Well, let's grab lunch when we're both back in town. Definitely. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Bye. Two double whiskeys. A good cry can be healthy, Gibbs. It's cathartic. It's just not something I do. You could do it. I mean... I could get you to cry. (CHUCKLES) I don't think so. You know what? For your own good and my own entertainment, I'm gonna make you cry. You're really not. Daddy? Daddy? (LAUGHS) (WHIMPERS) Hey. Can we get the check? Tyler, you are very sweet, but I didn't need you to get me home. (CHUCKLES) Well, I think you did. You tried to pay for the cab with a Starbucks card. I was just mad that he wouldn't let me drive. Well, I'm gonna head out. Uh, make sure you hydrate, take a couple Advils, and I'll see you at work. I still can't believe Ted Spence is at CNN. The guy couldn't report a car accident. Hey, forget about that guy. "Spence" is a weird last name, anyway. It's like it wanted to be "Spencer" and then it was like, "Eh, I'm tired." Well, I'll, uh, I'll see you. You see this? I won this for a story I wrote on contractors in Iraq. Now? Now I'm doing stories on taint maintenance. I believe the term is "taintenance." This is it. This is all I have to show for my career. You want to know why I took the job at Full Steam? Why? Because I was scared. They shut down my department, and I panicked. I jumped at the first paycheck I was offered, and now I'm stuck. Look, Jude, I get it. You lost a fancy job, you're single, you live in a neighborhood that's at least two years away from getting a Whole Foods. But you're gonna bounce back. How do you know? 'Cause you're too smart not to. Didn't mean to do that. Nobody blames you. (MOANS) Do you want to get into bed? Um... Yeah, sure. Oh, here. Maybe I can help. So, are you from New York? (LAUGHS) Oh, I'm really sorry. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Milo, it's 2:00 in the morning. What are you doing? Okay, just hear me out. Is that a onesie? Milo, what's going on? I would like you to sit on the couch and close your eyes. Yeah, I bet you would. Can I open my eyes yet? Not yet. Okay. I want you to clear your mind and get in touch with your inner child. (JINGLE BELLS INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS) All right. Open them up. What is this? It's a belated Christmas present. (CHUCKLES) Oh, the "Great Santorini" magic kit! Damn, Milo! Where'd you find this? At the novelty shop on Ludlow. That place was open this late? Well, I'm pretty sure that they also sell weed there. What makes you say that? Because I also bought some weed there. Come on, man! Open it up! (CHUCKLES) Magic wand. Two-headed quarter. (CHUCKLES) Oddly tiny cape. Wow, Milo. This is really great. (CHUCKLES) Thanks, dude. "Thanks, dude"? That's it? What do you mean, "That's it?" Come on. Cry. Gibbs, don't you get it? This is the story of a young boy who finally gets what was always missing from his childhood when his best friend re-creates the Christmas that he never had. (VOICE BREAKING) Oh, boy. Here we go. Hey, buddy. How'd it go with... I do not want to talk about it. (SIGHS) (SLOW MUSIC PLAYS) (VOICE BREAKING) Have you seen this cellphone commercial? MAN: Hold on to her, kid. She's worth it. (SOBS) Oh, for God's sake. (SOBS) (CHUCKLING) Wait. Whoa. Is the door locked? (DOOR CLOSES) (LOCK CLICKS) Yep. Then come here. (MOANS) Mmm. You know what? I don't think I can do this. I'm pretty sure I can get you there. No. No. It's just, um... You've had a lot to drink, you're depressed and upset, and, as sexy as that is... Look, I like you, and I don't think we should do this right now. Wow. So, you're saying you won't sleep with me right now because... You like me? I know. It's uncharted territory for me. But I think I should go. Um, I'll see you tomorrow, Jude. Wait. Any chance you want to stay anyway? No funny stuff. Just two co-workers sleeping next to each other? Can I be the little spoon? Mmm. I can't believe I'm in bed with a guy who uses the same conditioner as I do. Well, clearly, we don't use the same detangler. Look, I really appreciate you taking care of me last night. Most guys would have taken advantage of a drunk chick. I'm impressed. Thank you for comparing me favorably to a date-***. How about some coffee? Allow me, madame. Oh. I'm gonna brush my teeth. That's kind of what I was hoping you'd do. Oh! (GRUNTS) Hey, Jude? Where's your coffee maker? Next to the microwave. Hey, Jude? Where's your microwave? I feel like there was more stuff here last night. Oh, my God. I've been robbed. How did this happen? I have no idea. The door was unlocked. Huh. Well, that explains how they got out. Tyler, I specifically remember asking you if the door was locked last night. I thought you meant the bedroom door. Why would I want to lock the bedroom door? I don't know. How do airplanes work? I don't know all the answers. I can't believe this. My laptop, my TV, everything's gone. My award's gone. (CHUCKLES) Why would they take an award? Well, maybe they never won anything before. I'm gonna call the police. You should go. Oh, it's fine. I'll wait with you. Tyler, go home. All right. I'll go. But if my retainer turns up, you know where I work. (DOOR OPENS) Oh, look. It's the sisterhood of the traveling pants. Oh, my God. The sun is shining. (VOICE BREAKING) Oh! It's so beautiful! It's too early in the morning for sarcasm, Gibbs. Oh, but you're right. It is breathtaking. Neal, what the hell happened last night? I would really rather not talk about it. What? What do you mean? I thought everything was going well with that girl. Yeah, it was. You know, we... We went back to her place, we had a few more drinks. And? The same thing that always happens when it gets intimate. Shame, embarrassment, and giggles. Ohh. Ohh. Sorry, buddy. Yeah. I'm sure you're totally average. You don't get laughed at in the boys' locker room for being average. You see, this is why I hate hookups. But at least we didn't have to get to the *** part. I've always struggled with them. Special-ordering and everything. Oh. (SNICKERS) Very good. Very good. Go ahead and laugh, guys. Sorry. Sorry. (SIGHS) Condoms are the worst. At least make them so they go all the way down. What exactly happened last night? So, are you from New York? (LAUGHS) Oh, I'm really sorry. I don't think I can do that. No way. What? Wait. You just said that you struggle with condoms? I do. I mean, at least make them so they don't burst into pieces when you try to roll it all the way down. No way. Again, what? You know how tough it is dating like this? I mean, Amy got used to it, but we literally could only have outercourse for months. Outercourse? Wait. Everyone always thinks it'd be so great. Wait! Wait! Wait! Oh, hell no! Poor Amy. Poor, tiny Amy. What? Did you think I was saying it was too small? Well, I mean... Thanks for the support, guys. I'm gonna go shower. Wait. What? Um... No. Come on. Absolutely not. Neal, we need proof. This is getting weird. Look, either you can show us now or we can just spend the next month trying to pee next to you. It's your call. Please? Fine. (CRYING) This is what it took? (VOICE BREAKING) Such greatness... Wasted! It's just... It's so tragic. You happy now, or do you want me to take the rest out? JUDE: What's this? It was the closest thing I could find to your award. How's it supposed to help? I don't know. I thought it might cheer you up. You know what would cheer me up? A time machine, so I could go back and not take this job and not get drunk and not go home with you and not get robbed. You wouldn't go back and kill Hitler? Fine. First, I'd kill Hitler. Then I'd do all the other stuff. Look, Jude, I know this is gonna sound harsh, but I'm just gonna say it. Boohoo. What are you talking about? I'm talking about the pity party you're throwing for yourself. Forget about the award. You already won it, and you're gonna win more. I mean, not here, but somewhere. You don't understand. Here's what I understand. You're a smart, beautiful, creative woman, who has the best-looking guy in the office going to six different pawnshops to try and find you a replacement award, and he's not even trying to sleep with you. So, you're not trying to sleep with me? Nope. Not even a little? Okay, maybe a little. No way. And you guys made him show it to you? If someone told you the Loch Ness Monster existed and it was attached to Neal's body... Wouldn't you want to see it? MILO: There he is. What's up, boss? Why are you guys standing? I don't know. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Um... Neal? Yes? You want to see it, don't you? I don't want to. I have to. (SIGHS) Let's do this. Maybe it wasn't that big. Yeah. Maybe it was just the lighting. TYLER: Oh, my God! Put it away! All of it! Well, that answers that. (SOBS) (VOICE BREAKING) Oh, boy! Here we go again!