Bible Games - Angry Video Game Nerd

[To the tune of Santa Clause Is Coming to Town] He's playing some games, the worst he recalls [To the tune of Santa Clause Is Coming to Town] He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls The Angry Video Game Nerd is here Oh, he's making a list and checking it twice He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice The Angry Video Game Nerd is here He hates the games that stink He knows which games to break He just might even hate them all 'Cause he's mad for ***' sake You better watch out, don't give these games a try You better not play 'em, he's telling you why The Angry Video Game Nerd is here I'm here to talk about a series of games based on stories from the Bible, all with weird, deformed cartridges made for Nintendo systems but without any endorsement from Nintendo. Like take this one for example: Bible Adventures. Would you wanna buy this? With its weird, baby blue cartridge? It's made by a Christian gaming company that makes unauthorized Nintendo games? Let's check it out. All right, three games in one! You got Noah's Ark, Baby Moses, and David and Goliath. First, let's do Noah's Ark. Well, there's Noah. Moves pretty fast for an old guy. The object's to get the animals in the ark. Holy ***, you just pick them up? Is that how Noah did it? He did it all by himself by picking the animals up and carrying them into the ark? Well, according to Bible Adventures, that's how it happened. So there's where you drop those *** off. You just bring them to the door, and you let those *** run in there. You get a checklist of all the animals you need, so, it's pretty simple. Go find some more, bring 'em back. Fun, huh? I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down. How can such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the ***?! Let alone, a horse and an ox? Or, ***! A horse, a cow, and two oxen? What the *** ***? Noah's so *** strong, he puts the Hulk to shame. And the poor creatures, they're so scared shitless they don't even try to get away. Noah, man. Nobody *** with him. Not even Chuck Norris. The only animals that have the balls to fight back are the pigs. Stop it! Damn pig. I'm only trying to take you in the ark. There's gonna be a flood; what, do you want to die? All right, that's it, you're gonna get it. So, what do you do? You grab that, whatever it is, and you knock that *** out! UHN! Take that, ***. Now I gotcha. You're going in the ark, you ***. I hate those pigs. But I also hate the oxen. You drop them every time you jump, so you gotta keep picking them back up again. The monkeys are also pretty damn annoying. Sometimes you gotta chase them all around. What a sight. Look, an old man, climbing up a tree, chasing monkeys. It's quite ridiculous. You *** monkey, get back here! Now you're gonna get it. UHN! Take that, you monkey ***. You're going in the ark. Another thing really amazing about Noah is that he can run so fast, he can actually outrun the screen, which is really annoying because you can't see where you're going, so you have to stop just to let the screen catch up. Another sign of a badly-designed game. Now, it looks like we got all the animals, except the snakes. Now, that's gotta be tricky, right? Grabbing them is out of the question, so, let's pick up that, thing and try to knock them out. Well, I can knock them out, but if I don't catch them, they're gone. I can't catch them either. ***! How do you get those damn snakes? Well, guess what? I'm trying to get the wrong snakes. But, how can you blame me? They're the first snakes you see in the game. Well, check this out. I go in this cave, and, this is real frustrating, because to climb the walls you have to jump and hit the A button at the perfect timing. Then, once you get to the top, there you go. There's your snakes. So, these are the real snakes you're supposed to get. Not the ones in the trees. They're only decoys. Challenge is one thing, but why does this game have to *** trick me? So, don't get the snakes that you first see when you're walking around, go take a wild guess: climb through the cave until you find the real ones. *** this game. Now you thought that was bad? A game where you collect a bunch of objects to bring back to the middle of the board? How could it get any worse? Just watch. Our next game is Baby Moses. All right, well, the object of the game is to get to the end of the level, carrying baby Moses. Now, this is really annoying, because, while carrying him, there's no way to defend yourself from everything that's out to kill you, and I do mean everything. If the soldiers catch baby Moses, they throw him in the water. What ***. And what's with this theme of carrying things? It's actually kind of a ripoff of Super Mario Brothers 2. Even the graphics kind of remind me of it. Except for those chocolate cats. Speaking of carrying things, look how many things she can stack. What kind of picture is this? Moses's mom carrying baby Moses carrying a block of cheese carrying a guy carrying a spear? I never thought I'd see that. Beware the black spaces. If you jump through them, you fall in the water and die. Whoa! Either that, or I guess it shoots baby Moses up in the sky. What's going on? This game sucks ***. God, this is annoying. The only way to have any fun at all is to throw baby Moses in the water and then go explore the level without him. This is a weird game. What other game could you ever say, "I just threw baby Moses in the water"? For some reason I can't stop saying "baby Moses". Baby Moses baby Moses. When you finish the level, it says, "Good work, but you forgot [chuckle] baby Moses." I didn't forget him, I just didn't want him. Well, there's only one *** game left: David and Goliath. Well, you're going around carrying sheep. Yeah. Are you surprised? The object is to bring four sheep to this blinking arrow to advance to the next level. The originality just stuns me. And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your only infant child puking to death; that is, choking on his own puke chunks. That's disgusting, I apologize. Those sheep are a *** to carry, especially if you're trying to get past the lion. That lion hates sheep and anybody who carries sheep. However, if you go past them without the sheep, they don't give a ***. I can even pick the lion up and it doesn't care. Sure, try that in real life. Pick up a lion and see what happens. And while you're at it, just try to punch that lion in the nuts. Yeah, right in the *** nuts. You can even use an acorn to knock the lion out. Damn! I wouldn't want to get hit by one of those acorns. Those lions are *** wusses! What?! What happened? Did you see that? That lion just fell flat on his ***. And he fell at the same time as this squirrel. So who knocked them both out? Well, let's take a look at the whole replay and see what happened. Here, we see this squirrel throws an acorn. It clobbers the lion, bam! Now, let's back up a bit. Just before he gets hit, this other squirrel throws an acorn which comes right back down, and bam! He knocked himself out with his own acorn. Dumb ***. Anyway, let's go get some sheep. I like the sheep sound effects. [8-bit bleat] Baaaa! [8-bit bleat repeats] C'mon, you damn sheep, I'm not going to hurt you. Sheepy sheepy! [high-pitched voice] Sheepy sheepy sheepy! *** this. I feel like a stupid *** going after all these sheep for no reason. The most fun I have in this game is watching that weird squirrel. I'm telling you, that squirrel does some weird ***. One minute it's sleeping, then it's running up and over the tree and, oh my God, look at that! It's a flying squirrel! Or it's like, climbing the sky. Where'd it go? Oh, there it is! Wow, they were on drugs when they made this game. Later in the game you get a weapon, some kinda fireball or something, I don't know, but it sucks. It's just like the rock in Friday the 13th. It arcs over everybody you try to hit. What good is a weapon that doesn't go straight? Like, it deliberately dodges your target. What a piece of ***. Now, I know I'm sucking pretty bad at this, but, unless you've played it, you have no idea how frigging awful the controls are. It just feels slippery. And you feel like you have to force everything you're doing. But that only makes it more likely to overshoot a jump, or undershoot it trying not to. Doesn't help either that there's all these rocks coming down. And finally, when I get up here, it's not even worth it, because there's nowhere to go. I can't even go in those caves. So that's enough of this ***. Well, that's Bible Adventures. You thought that was weird? Well, wait 'til you see Bible Buffet. Yeah, Bible Buffet. When I first heard the title, I just didn't get it. My only guess is it has to do with food and the Bible. Well, guess what? I got half of that right. It definitely has to do with food, but there's no mention of anything from the Bible anywhere in this whole game. What is this I'm looking at? It's a board game? In fact, it's a ripoff of Candy Land. Just look at it. All the different food-themed lands, like, Potato Land, Barbecue Land, Pizza Land, Dessert Land. [digitized voice] Player 1! Oh my God, it's talking. Well, you spin the wheel, and you make some moves just like any board game. Then you get to play all these weird mini-games which sort of resemble an Atari game. The sound effects are classic. And it definitely resembles "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" more than it does the Bible. So you lay down all these exploding pancakes which blow up everything. I think they're supposed to be oil drums or something but, everything else is some kind of food so, I'm just going to call them exploding pancakes. I mean, this is just *** weird. It might as well be anything. I mean, look at all this stuff that's trying to kill me. Potato chips and pizzas and... pork chops? Bottles, watermelons, ice cream cones, ice cubes, and, cans, of like, soda, coming out of a vending machine? Look, a snowman. Watch this. I'm gonna blow his *** head off. Yeah! That snowman's dead as ***. I just pushed that thing into the exit. But there's no way to get it back out. So, now I blocked myself from finishing the level, and my only choices now are to reset the game, or commit suicide. Every once in a while you get a little quiz; true or false? Um, I guess true? Um, true or false? I guess false? What the hell am I guessing? It would help if I had the questions. You know where they are? They're in the manual. So, unless you still have the manual, let alone have the *** game, you're not going to know what the questions are. Now what was the problem with putting the questions on the screen? Why didn't they do that instead? WHAT were they THINKING?! [digitized voice] All right! That voice is just crazy. I don't know what it is, but it just sounds out of place. Not that anything is in place, but, I don't know. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But I suppose it's also rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari, that's all about food trying to kill you, yet it's also a board game ripoff with quizzes that you can't answer, and, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to "thou shall not kill"? Please, somebody tell me, what the hell am I playing? I kinda like it. But, I gotta turn it off before I go insane. So let's play another Bible game. It's The Book of Genesis on Sega Genesis and the soundtrack is Genesis. ["Invisible Touch" playing] I'm just making this up, but let's move on to Super Nintendo and check out this game that I'm actually not making up. I couldn't even come up with anything half as crazy if I tried. This is Super Noah's Ark 3D, yet it's also referred to as Super 3D Noah's Ark, because of the way the title art's misrepresented. So, who knows. Call it whatever you want. Call it Super 3D *** Farts if you want. I know it's weird, but the weirdness actually starts with the cartridge. As you can see, it looks like no other Super Nintendo game you've ever seen; in fact, it doesn't even look like a game at all. It looks more like a Game Genie. By this time, I believe Nintendo was catching on to the fact that Wisdom Tree was making these Bible games for their system without their permission. So, what I think happened was, when Super Nintendo came out, they put a new lockout chip inside the system, which only allows games licensed by Nintendo to work. So, how many Super Nintendo games came out not licensed by Nintendo? Well, just one, and it found a way. By plugging an official Super Nintendo game into the top of it, it overrides the lockout chip, and you can play it. The question is, would you want to? Well, actually, yeah, you would! What other first-person shooter game do you get to play as Noah? I really can't believe this game exists, but it seems to be a fact, because I'm playing it. Now, does it look like Wolfenstein 3D? Yes. In fact, it IS Wolfenstein 3D. It doesn't even count as a ripoff. It's the same *** game, but with Noah. Instead of shooting Nazis, he's shooting goats. All the levels are exact duplicates, but what's really funny to know is that there's a story going around that id, the company that made Wolfenstein and Doom, they gave their own game to Wisdom Tree for them to turn into this. Why? Well, according to the rumor, id was pissed off that the Super Nintendo version of Wolfenstein was inferior to the PC version, and that Nintendo basically butchered it by toning down the violence, as well as altering numerous other things. So, as some sort of joke or whatever, id handed the source code over to Wisdom Tree for them to make the mockery which you're looking at now. And there's a bit of a conspiracy going on. According to the Bible, Noah puts two of each animal in the ark, right? Well, according to this game, he put a whole bunch of goats on there. And, if that's not crazy enough, guess what? All those goats want Noah dead. Damn. Why's there so many of them, and why do you shoot them with a slingshot? I think that would actually make them more angry. I can't even see what you're supposed to be shooting at them anyway. It just looks invisible. Supposed to be food I guess, but why does it put the animals to sleep? Well, I guess Noah shoots the food so hard that it knocks the animals unconscious. Now, what's even stranger is how they attack you. They just do like these weird kicks from a mile away, and they hit you. Like, how do they even reach? Listen to how cheerful the music is. Wow, that's great. It's just what you need is some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of *** goats. So, that's it. There's more animals along the way, but you get the idea. So, as we've seen, every one of these Bible games rips off something. So just to show you another example, let's take a look at Spiritual Warfare on the Nintendo. Okay, right off the bat, what does this game look like? Hmm. Well, here's some hints. Look, it's an aerial view, with like, bushes and rocks, you start off with three hearts for health, you hold two items, you go into a little cave and you talk to someone, and when you walk to the next area the screen moves; there's that square-shaped stairwell, and there's a raft; you go down ladders with gray stone walls, and when you start the game, you get to type in a name. Well, if you can't already tell what this game looks like, let me spell it out. That's right: Zelda. Let's recap, shall we? In Zelda, we have an aerial view with bushes and rocks, you start off with three hearts for the health, you hold two items, you go into a little cave and you talk to someone, and when you walk to the next area the screen moves; there's that square-shaped stairwell; you go down the ladders with the gray stone walls; there's your raft; and when you start the game, you type in a name. What a shameless ripoff. Well, at least they came up with a few original ideas, like sometimes when you kill your enemies, a flying devil comes out. And besides just the usual rocks and bushes or trees or whatever, they randomly have all these garbage cans placed about. That's where this game belongs: the *** garbage. All right, let's play one more game: King of Kings. Oh great, three more games. ***. Let's do Wise Men. Well, you're on a camel. You're basically just trying to ride to the end of the level. Your obstacles include lizards, a cactus that comes up out of the ground, flying rocks, porcupines shooting needles, moving pitfalls, and blocks that come down and stun you. Just like in Bible Adventures, the control is really awkward, but here, it's so bad, it's nearly unplayable. So, every once in a while you pick up these scrolls that make you answer questions about the Bible. Like, who was Jesus' mother? Well, that would be Mary. Now, why are there quizzes in the middle of this game? Quizzes aren't fun! Quizzes make you feel like you're in school. Games are fun! Quizzes, not fun! Put them together! So, you'd probably rather just play the game than answer the questions, which would be a good reason to just avoid the scrolls, but if you get the questions right, you get energy, which you want. Now, a lot of these questions are true or false, and once you get used to that, you tend not to look at the words true and false, because you instinctively assume true always comes above false. But, no, not with this game. They alternate just to trick you. Many times, I accidentally pick false when I mean to pick true. I mean, what's up with that ***?! Just keep them the same. Now let's try Flight to Egypt. It's bad. All right, Jesus and the Temple, last *** game, let's get it over with. Okay, another ripoff of Super Mario Brothers 2, where you're jumping on logs to get across the waterfall. Well, at least they upped the challenge on those logs, but it's just flat-out annoying. The logs have the most erratic pattern. Sometimes you jump too early, thinking that the next log is gonna come, but it doesn't; then, just to tease you, it pops up at the bottom, crawling up the waterfall, just to sit there and mock you. Other times, the second log shows up, but once you're on it and expecting the third one, it doesn't come. But, just for one final kick in the balls, it throws all these other logs down to make you think that you can salvage it and jump your way back to safety to try again. But, no, not quite. The graphics are really flawed. I mean, usually you know to time your jumps, once you see that log coming up over the waterfall, but sometimes they just appear at random, which doesn't give you enough time to react. Also, what's going on with those colors in the sky? Looks like something you might see if you take too much LSD. There's really nothing else worth mentioning with this game. It just sucks, and I can't even stand to play it anymore. I'd rather *** a porcupine and shove a cactus up my ***. I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's *** hole. It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doo-doo *** ***. That's it. So, Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, happy Kwanzaa, happy birthday Jesus, whatever. Happy Holidays. See you in 2007.