6 Ways to Humanize a Presidential Candidate - We the internet sketch 23

So I hear you're running for President! That's great. You've signed all the paperwork, raised millions in campaign contributions, But are you human enough? See, voters want to elect other Human Beings to office. I know, I know, you're probably some power hungry monster dressed in human skin. Why else would you want this job? But all that doesn't matter! As long as you can mask your true form with just enough 'Humanity.' Here are 6 ways to Humanize a presidential candidate. You hungry? You'd better be! Because Human Beings need to consume food in order to stay alive. And if you want to stay alive in this race, you better stuff your face. We all know you can regurgitate talking points and empty slogans, Now show the American people what else that mouth can do! No no no! You can't eat a baby on the campaign trail! You'll have to wait until you're elected to feast on the innocent. Until then, show some self-control. With all that eating, you're gonna want to be ***. See, human beings have a complex digestive system. Everyone poops. Everyone pees. And a presidential candidate needs to prove that they can do both. Hillary Clinton is working for that potty vote. -You know, it does take me a little longer. -That's alright, that's alright. The American people deserve a courtesy flush. You poop. You pee. But do you dance? You're damn right you do! A presidential candidate has got to be able to dance! Move your body and connect with the people! When trade negotiations with Russia go awry, it's up to you to dance battle Vladimir Putin and save the community center. So your moves better be... -Un fleek. It's 'On fleek' but whatever, there's no time. Because a presidential candidate has to know how to talk tough and look tough. Nothing makes you look tougher than a chainsaw. What are you chainsawing? It doesn't matter! Just chainsaw something, anything! You gotta make your supporters feel like your teammates. Just bump 'em. Make your dicks touch. Invite the nation to have a catch. Then drill a kid with a pass. If he drops the ball, then call that kid a ***. America doesn't drop balls. You're fired up! Whooo! That's right! You're a Human Being now with emotions. And sometimes you just gotta say 'f*** it' and curse up a storm. -I'm gonna bomb the s*** out of 'em. - Basically, f*** you. Now let's f***. Literally. A presidential candidate needs to exude sex. Voters want an executive in the streets, and a freak in the sheets. And just look at all of them. Don't you just want to f*** them all? Now in order to run a successful campaign, you gotta know how far voters are willing to go. -A man goes home and masturbates his typical fantasy. -A woman on her knees, a woman tied up, a woman abused. Ooh yeah, that's what the voters want. They want to "Feel the Bern." They want to get... -She got schlonged. Look at you. You're so hot, every voter wants you inside them. So what do you say? Are you ready to be Human? Then prove it with your body. You've spent months jerking the country off, now it's time to finish the job. [music] What other human characteristics are you looking for in a presidential candidate? What turns you on? Let us know in the comments section. There's only one issue that really matters. Which candidate is wearing an American flag pin? They're going to die very peacefully, by the hand of a peaceful man. Not some warmonger.