Cacka Boom - Lyrics - Ian Dury And The Blockheads

If you're cold, well here's a plan: Pull the plug out of your fan If you're hot, now here's a scheme: Park your botty in the stream If you're tired, check this plot: Seek a source that hits the spot If you're snooty, here's a ploy Stroll along the hoi polloi You'll not have owt to show for it If you don't go for it You'll have to come to terms with it, Get on the firm with it If you don't get to grips with it, You've had your chips with it You'll only come to rue it if you don't do it If you're lost, well try this notion: Find yourself a magic potion If you're angry, check this wheeze: Count to ten and then say, 'cheese' If you're uptight here's the answer: Learn to be a belly-dancer If you're concerned, suss a wangle: Try it from a different angle Now you can put a name to it, You must lay claim to it You'll have time to regret it, If you don't go and get it You won't have much to talk about If you don't go on walkabout Don't think you won't mind it If you don't try and find it No-one said you must be good as gold It's what you haven't done That matters when you're old No-one said these things are pre-ordained Nothing ventured... If you're guilty, cop a stroke: You only did it for a joke If you're dozy, here's a tactic: Tell 'em all they're too didactic If you're fed up, here's a wrinkle: Let your piano forte *** If you're wobbling here's a trick: Happy go toilet, click, click, click