Internet Comment Etiquette - Your guide to the end of the world

A-Cheers, and welcome to Internet Comment Etiquette! I'm Eric, your host, and this is your guide to the end of the world. *breathes* Now, the apocalypse is a scary thing, it could happen at any day, uh, in any fashion... But when it does, hopefully you can refer back to this guide for some help in- finding peace as you, uh, slip off into the unknown. Now from where I'm sitting in 2017, everything's good. There's really no threats at all to human surviv- Oh-nope! Forgot about that! "Last line of defense if North Korea nukes the U.S." [Woman in Video] "And tests reveal- U.S. soil may soon be within striking distance, and if you take a look- the west coast is, of course, their closest shot now if that happens, we do have a last line of defense." Well, this is nothing to worry about I think, uh, the indomitable spirit of humankind has always prevailed in the past. [Woman in Video] "U.S. Ambassador Nikki Haley responding to what may be an unprecedented show of nuclear strength. North Korea claims, "It's a hydrogen bomb." I mean, we evolved to create language, love, entertainment! We've made machines that can think! I-I-I'm sure we can get past something like this. Let's see what else Nikki has to say. "War is never something the United States wants. We don't want it now. But our country's patience is not unlimited." [Mocking Voice] "Nikki is hot! I'd *** her! "She'd get it for sure!" NIKKI IS A ***! "Can't believe that *** said that with a straight face." "BUY JAKE PAUL MERCH LINK BIO BUY NEW MERCH START YOUR LIFE AND WORK OUT WACH-KT JAKE PAUL VLOG YOUTUBE" Okay. Heyo, send those nukes! AAAAAAAND POST! [🎶Music🎶, the classic Internet Comment Etiquette theme] Now, let's just say that we DON'T nuke ourselves into oblivion in the world goes on to live for a long, long, Time™️ * ｂｒｅａｔｈｓ * There's still a lot of ways that the planet can quit on us anyway. That's why I put together some of my favourite apocalypses. What's first? "Discovery Channel - Large Asteroid Impact Simulation [Soft Music] [Music picks up, but is still generally soft] This music sure is something. [Back to music] Wow, it really just *** the whole thing. This is not real leave a like if it's not real Yeah, I-I give that a like for not being real, okay Well, uh, gather around everybody while I show you- how to leave a comment about a giant asteroid wiping us all out. Hey, you guys ever think that if an asteroid was headed our way, the government would keep it quiet to prevent mayhem in the streets? I mean me, personally, if I knew the world was about to turn into a lava ball I'd dress up like an adult baby and go burning down libraries while making boom booms™️ in my diaper. Man, I'd probably even kiss a dog to see why people on DeviantART like drawing that *** so much. If there's an asteroid about to hit, and I'm president I'd be like "Nope. lie to everybody. Let them figure it out, now I'm gonna go *** everything in Thailand. and then I ghost on the human race while paying ladyboys to turn me into a human piñata. All I got to say is, thank god we're NOT about to get hit by an asteroid because my wife and kids don't need to see me like that. Then again, I can probably do most of that *** anyway and get away with it 'cause I'm a white dude. AY-UND POST! Uh, that's one way the world could end, all in a flash and poof! We're gone. But what if it's slow and painful? "Will antibiotic-resistant superbugs keep getting stronger?" "Doctors saying their worst nightmare has come true, the first "super bug" has arrived. Here, it is resistant to what they call "last resort antibiotics". Seems like one of those rare cases where if the headlines a question mark, the answer's "Yeah." "The Antibiotic that this is now resistant to we've been holding this- to use against the worst defenders. Now, we can't use it! Also, the resistance is portable! Meaning- it can- spread from bacteria to bacteria to bacteria to bacteria to bacteria to bacteria to bacteria to bacteria! Let's check some comments. "I was thinking that these superbugs that are resistant to all of our antibiotics might have evolved from homosexuals. Since it's known the homosexuals have been the source/cauldron for many exotic rare diseases including ***." And they murdered over a hundred Microbiologists, so they can get away with this...more easily! Oh, that's a good comment. Ġ̡͡OͭS͈͉Sͫ.̩̥͌ G̦ͣO͓͌ͮSS̴̢ͨ G̬̊ŖÁ͍͘YSͤON͉̝̲.͗͐̉ Wͮͬ͂Ë́ͮ ͙ĶN̥̽Ọ͙̠W ̬ͬYOṲ̍͏'ͦRË͚̇ W̪͆ẠTC̆H̤ING̃̑ ̓ͩ͜Ṱ̔H̲IS̅ ̿RI͙G̎Ĥ̢T͗͗͊ ̜N̴͘͏Ȏ̱̌W̡. ON̅Ľ͈͔Y ̧͕YÔ̭̺U͇͘ ̶CA̜͜N͙͒̀ S͙̽E͗͝E̵̮͜ ̜ͨT̗͈̘H̔̒͝Ḭ̺͋S PA̿R̋͂T͟ ̥Oͯ́͐F͔ T̳ͪ͘HE̔̚ ͓̹͑VÏ̱͛D͠E̛͈̓O.̦ͫͅ C͠E͕͔A̶ͩS͓͠E ̅̔YǑ̼̄UͪR̬͂͆ ͑ǏNͣ̍V̩̄ĚͭSͯT̽I͠GAṬ̙I͔ͫO̖̻N͙Ś͖.̲̭ AND̻̉ ͒DĔL̢ͅE̘T̝̝͒E̽ ̫̜͓T͔H҉́̍AT Ć̀͜OͥM̟M̪͡ENT̛ ̨̛AB̦́̐OU̙̇T̵̛ ̏͗O̴̫UR̅͜ ̀M̙ͬ͝I͕C͋R͑Oͯ̇̃B̗̌I̐ͭOL̷̽ͩỎ̬GI͕̔͆ST̫ ̣̚P̡̊̓Uͫͦ́ŖGEͧS͈͔̾, A̿N̗D̠͑ ̭͍W̴̐È̒ ̵̪M̬̭ͤI̴GͮHTͫ PUT̻̂ͭ ̼̩YOU̯̐ O̵ͧ̀N̴ T̃̉H̠̎Ȩͪ ͕̼̉WH̳́͡IͯT̩̀͞EL̦̪IS̄͝T ͉FOR ͋͗THE͎ͤ͟ ͊̽V̵̦IR̦̃US̱ ҉ͧS̜A̜͉̚TEͯL͆́L͇̠I͏̍T͠EͩS̨͒ WE̶͘ ͤͤHA̧͚V̜̾̐E ͍̔P͔̌͝O̪͜͠I̮͕̳N̝̉T̺̊E͉ͥͭḌ͛ ͊A͆T͚ YO̧͊̓U̧̩Ṛ̏̍ ́C̘̘I͝TY̢̘ͪ RͪI͇G͟͝ͅH̶T͈ͤ ̊̿N̶͙ͬO̔̕Ẅ͍͖!̵ O͝O̘͙ƠO̼OOOO̲O̦͐ͭHH̉̀Hͯ̈́͐H̶Hͦ̕! Aaaaand post! Oh ***, whoops, oh- I was not supposed to publicly post that. Eh, it dudn't matter you're all gonna die from the *** virus anyway. Hey, what's our next video? "How Pandemics Spread" by TED-Ed And play dat ***! [Intense Music] "We live in an interconnected, and increasingly globalized world. Thanks to international jet travel, people and the diseases they carry, can be in any city on the planet in a matter of hours." Okay, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, (cool.) "And in 2011, scientists investigating a plague pit in the City of London were able to reconstruct the genome of yersinia pestis. The bacterium responsible for the black death of the 14th century." Yeah, tight! "Sick men hemorrhage blood from their noses, turning the decks between their bunks slick with bodily fluids." Yeah that's tight! "Above all, SARS was a reminder that pandemics have always been associated with panic." Oh, sure hope nobody's panicking in the comment section, here. "We should see what would happen if we got every man on earth to shoot a load onto the same spot. I wonder what would form, what it would smell like." Okay, alright, yep. Uh, all good in there. Now if you're currently at home dying from the super flu, you might want to leave a comment like this. Yeah listen that's cool about all this pandemic *** but I'd like to bring up an earlier point that was made in this comment section about what would happen if we got every man on earth to shoot a load onto the same spot. I think it'd form a big treasure map and when we follow the map, we find a way to clone ourselves so that we don't need women anymore That's just a guess though, and I already think we don't need women I've been getting along fine all these years without one, just check my reddit post history! That is except for my mom, who feeds me, and my grandma, who clued me in that Obama's just an Indian guy with a face mask. Also there's Sandra at work, who's cool, but she's ugly so I don't want to lead her on by talking to her. I'm here for looks, people! LOOKS! If only these hot *** could look past my lack of self care and see I'm better than *** Chad who's probably gonna get her killed in a motorcycle accident trying to look cool! That all said, Chad's still invited to the "Every Man on Earth Shooting a Load Onto the Same Spot" party, but only because of SEMANTICS. AAAAND POST! Alright, How we gonna die next? "Economists say decline in birth rate may lead to big problems" "Is it time to make America mate again™️?" Oh, *** off! So with such a low birth rate, economists are concerned that catastrophic consequences are on the horizon. "Solution to all problems: Nuke The Middle East!!!" Cool, I got a comment. Me and my boyfriend been trying to get pregnant naturally for the past five years, and so for all we both got was a sore fart hole! Waughmp waughmp! Aand POST! Now, that's what I call an original comment! Alright, but let's explore what's behind these falling birth rates, for real here, Here's-here's no other than Alex Jones explaining how fertility works. This should be good. [Woman coincidentally named Alex Jones] "I think I was, you know, like many people quite naive. Of course you know that age impacts your fertility." Nope, uh, this is a different Alex Jones. Okay. Now here's the REAL Alex Jones talking about fertility. UuUh this should be good! [Alex Jones] "What would you tell a woman, you know, let's say a 30 year old one with a thirty year old husband, this is a real couple out there, Uh, who, are, looking at, you know, having children. And have kind of been trying, and it didn't happen." Yeah, now here comes the real advice. [Alex Jones continues] "By design, they admit it's to make us infertile, Expanding- what is the- one of the top ones- Flora!" Alright, where is this going? [Not Alex Jones] "And this one- that's the loophole because, [Alex Jones] Then they wonder why, even for young women, their periods are bonking around like ping-pong balls." Wheeeeeeeere's this going, Alex? [Not Alex Jones] "The compounds in these are so damaging, that they can literally turn off your DNA and affect you for generations and generations and generations and generations and generations and generations and generations and generations." Where is this going? [Alex Jones] "Uh, and as you mentioned, super male vitality, super female vitality, X-2's the purest iodine anybody can find from our research. Those are discounted both today 15% off- infowarslive.com-" Uhp, there it is! (Haha!) [Alex Jones] Super Male Vitality was developed to activate your body's own natural processes. Visit infowarslive.com today to secure your Super Male Vitality. Now looking to the comments, Hey, what the-? "Me and my boyfriend been tryin' to get pregnant naturally for the past five years and so for all we both got was a sore farthole." Waughmp waughmp! Dammit, I just-! I just posted- This was a year ago!? Come o- I thought I'd came up with that one. Well this gets a dislike for being real. "Lotions and soaps gives me rashes." "One of the main problems is that white people don't WANT kids, they will just interfere with their skydivin' and rock climbin'. They interfere with their pub crawls and wine tastings. Kids will "ruin" the woman's body, they're too expensive. There are tons of excuses and the Hebrews love watching the white population kill itself off." Oh, well, that- that one took a turn at the end there. Well this comment section definitely needs some comment etiquette, so here's how you do that. Hey Alex, I've been taking your super male vitality pills for a few months now And I think making my balls shrink. Is that supposed to happen? I also punch the front door greeter at Best Buy, which sucks cuz I worked there. Dude, are you sure you're not just selling a steroids? I mean how the hell would you know, you look like you got enough pills in you to make Rush Limbaugh blush. If you ever need a drug mule to ship this *** from Guadalupe or wherever your nutraceutical slave shop is, hit me up. I've been *** by the globalists so many times that I could probably fit a couple pallets up there, And I need the money to afford your endless *** pharmacy of ground-up dog dicks. Alright keep telling the truth, man, sending positive vibes from Sandy Hook. Thanks for having Doctor Kato Kaelin on the show. He doesn't seem shifty at all, with that flannel shirt under his suit jacket. In conclusion, you really inspired me to look past all the *** and become a pill salesman, lol And I'm jealous of doctors cuz they get to smack babies. And post! Alright, well that concludes the section about things that don't have kids. What's our next apocolypse? "CERN now coming out and admitting- that it could actually create black holes that could destroy the earth!" Aaah, ***, the Large Hadron Collider is gonna kill us all isn't it? "They believe if the particle smasher does not create a black hole that swallows up our world, it will pull an asteroid towards us, trigger monster earthquakes, or open a portal to allow Satan in to finish his work! Well, I would simply argue the fact that Satan is already here finishing his work. Look at the Democratic Party!" (Yeeah) "The latest theory that the Large, uh, Hadron Collider is allegedly causing major earthquakes when its operation-" YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "But they claim, 'Oh, yes, it would still be safe.' Okay, doesn't a black hole just suck everything into it, and we all die? Okay, so they can create one but it would- [cut off] Alright, [stammering], le-let's cut this one short and leave a comment. Why does this dude look like he's about to deal me a hand an online blackjack? I mean It's hard to tell actually what's going on here, because you filled three quarters of the screen with a big static image that never changes and you put the only footage we're supposed to pay attention to in a tiny little box on the side. This was just a joy to watch, reminds me of that time I tried to design a geocities website When I was eight and said "*** it this looks stupid" but good on you guys for going for it anyway. As for the Large Hadron Collider let's hope it pulls an asteroid our way, so I can catch it in my ***. Hail Satan! And post! Now, no apocalypse is complete without a proper bug-out bag, so here's bug out bag tips from Erik! [Light Acapella Music] Alright guys, well here's my Bug-Out Bag™️. Uh, It's an "Always Sunny in Philadelphia™️" Beach Bag™️ so people will mistake me for Danny DeVito™️ Maybe I'll get some free ZD™️ in the apocalypse. And, uh, first off. I got this- it's a Survival Kit™️ Uh, this is a, uh, sort of Space Blanket™️, This is important to have on those cold nights. I got a Compass™️ I don't™️- know what this™️- oh, it's a Little Light Thing™️ Here's a Knife™️©️ So that I can use it to get a Better Knife™️ from Somebody®️ Here's a Little Whistle™️©️®️ *intense whistleing of Little Whistle™️* Yeah™️, that's a Good Whistle™️©️®️™️©️®️ Uh, basically my Strategy©️ with This Survival Kit™️ is I'm gonna sell It®️ to Buy ***™️ so that I don't die from alcohol™️©️®️- withdrawal™️®️™️™️©️©️®️ In Here™️... We have... A Seed Kit!™️ Survival Seed Kit©️®️ for the Apocalypse™️ I'm also gonna be Selling This©️ for ***™️ Uh, we got a Gas Mask©️™️®️ This is an Important Thing™️ to have, just The Case©️ of Certain Types Of Apocalypses™️®️ Uh™️, this is a Life Straw®️. Really Gonna Need That™️©️. Um, just in case there's Pollutants In The Water®️ *drinking from wine glass using life straw* Yeah, it tastes like ***™️, Uh™️ I think I Ruined It©️ Also because it gets Really Lonely™️©️®️ in the apocalypse, I've got this, uh, "Ideal Inflatable Wife™️©️™️®️". Which I'm gonna... It's a- It's a little Small®️ for my taste, uh, I accidentally got the Jeepers Creepers™️©️ size, so I'm gonna have to return that and get a... non-child version. Last, but not least, we got a Bottle Of Bourbon™️©️®️ I'm really going to need this. That'll last me, uh, probably the First Day®️ of the apocalypse. And then I'm gonna have to start Stabbing People™️®️ Just a little snoot. Alright, what- what do you guys think of my Bug-Out Bag™️©️©️©️®️™️™️®️? More importantly, What did you think of the first time this- you've ever seen Jump Cuts©️ in Internet Comment Etiquette? Next apocalypse! "The man whose biblical doomsday claim has some nervously eyeing September 23rd" Now, this one's real scary. Legend has it that on September 23rd, 2017, we will see the beginning of the Apocalypse. Okay, so reading this article I can see that, this guy "David Meade" thinks that Planet X, otherwise known as Nibiru, is going to show up from behind the Sun and cause the end of days. Okay, now, [stammering], is he right? I don't know. Let's go to YouTube and see what they think Evidence: "Planet X Could Destroy The Earth 2017"? "Planet X, uh, research going back to NASA, 1984 and even further back. We wanna, uhhh, see what some of them, uh, several millenniums ago wrote about Nibiru" [he mispronounces Nibiru] Ho-hoh! Is that how you say it. So there's no question, something's going on. And it's causing the core, the outer core of the earth to heat up, Yeah, I wonder what the *** could be causin' that . We're gonna keep a clOSE EYE ON ALL OF IT BECAUSE THE BIBLE SAYS: In Luke, Chapter 21 verse- Aaand skip. Aand skip. Skip that! Skip! And skip. -try it at www.publicphrophecy.com Boring! Skip. Cool stuff. I got a comment. As a great man once said, "aint no planet x comin cause aint no space cause aint not globe earth" but now that we've got CERN pulling asteroids our way, anything's possible. I hope those *** space rocks don't have crazy alien viruses on them that'll wipe out the survivors, or at least the ones that don't get turned into fuel cells by the robot uprising. But hey, chances are it's gonna be the global warming that gets us dead quickest So I'm gonna keep tossing six-pack rings into the ocean until mother nature gets so pissed that she hits my house with a glacier and then when I'm in heaven, we can get all the dudes together and see what happens when we shoot a load under the same spot. Aaand post! And what do you know it actually is September 23rd, so I don't want to call this too early, but I think we can scratch that one off the list. *air raid sirens* What is that noise? *sirens continue* Oh! Uh oh, oh, it's the nukes! Okay, it's th- it turns out it's the nukes after all. I- I didn't have to do this list at all. Uh, okay, well before that thing hits, I'm gonna send this tweet to Ted Cruz real quick. Yo, it's cool man, I accidentally liked some weird *** on Twitter too, check this out! and attach screenshot! Look at that for a second. Aaaaaaaaannnd TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGHHHHHHAAAUHG [Big Money Salvia by Hot Dad plays] Are you suffering from too much Testosterone™️ in your body because of being an Alpha Male©️? Well swing by the salviaerik.com store, where we are now selling the finest Estrogen Supplements®️ to keep you balanced in your Day To Day™️©️ life. Unclench those Fists™️ and Type In Your Credit Card Number Today®️ to purchase our ESTRO-GLO®️™️®️ pills, Made with 100% kangaroo placenta from our friends Down Under©️ These babies'll have you replacing that Baseball Bat®️ in the trunk of your car with a Dream Journal™️ so you can keep track of your Feelings™️ as affected by the Phases Of The Moon®️ Also on salviaerik.com store, we have our "Ain't No Planet X™️©️" shirts. These things are selling like Bail Bonds At A Trump Rally!®️™️©️ And if you happen to Hate©️ shirts, we got Posters™️ too you dumb ***! Buy our *** today and keep the globalists out of your man-***, which I guess means your Butt™️, not really sure, all these Pills™️ have got me all twisted. GLOBALISTS! [Big Money Salvia by Hot Dad continues]