Monsters Anonymous - S1e1 - Trivial pursuits - Part 1 of 5

Hi, my name is Seth and I'm a werewolf. Group (O.S.): Hi, Seth! Hey. I've been a werewolf for about three months now. I'm currently unemployed and since the last full moon I am homeless. Seth (O.S.): I, uh, killed my landlord. Viciously. You could have read about it in the papers. Uh, they said it was a mob hit. But... totally wasn't. It was me. Hi. Seth (O.S.): Supposedly the mob had these large dogs, because there was bite marks and such... She was nice, though. The landlord. I felt really bad about it, but... I couldn't stay there anymore. Partly because of the guilt... ...and more because I really just didn't want to get caught. Seth (O.S.): But now I need to find a place that can properly contain me. Maybe a dungeon. Something with chains. Some really thick walls. You know, maybe just all of the above. So if any of you or if you know someone that could hook me up with a place to live, that would- that would be great. Seth (O.S.): And, uh, also I'm looking for a job, because I'm unemployed. So if any of you could help with that, that would be awesome. I used to work for the pound but I got fired... ...cause they caught me eating the kibbles. And, uh... chasing the cats. And *** the manager's leg and... ...making advances on the cocker spaniels. Hey. Bob here. Vampire. Group (O.S.): Hi, Bob! Hey. I've been a vampire for about a... while. You may remember me from the history books and/or Wikipedia. Robert the Invincible. Look it up. It's interesting. I'm here to curb my cravings, you know? I've been off the "human" blood for about a... One... two... What am I? Count von Count? Ok! It's been a day! I'm trying to pace myself! Is this a twelve-step program? Voice: Hi, my name is-- Random Person (O.S.): What? Voice: Uh, my name is-- Random Person (O.S.): Who? Voice: My name is-- Chigga chigga Slim Shady. *nervous giggle* Voice: I'm Nicodemus, but everybody calls me Nick. Group (O.S.): Hi, Nicodemus! Nick: *sighs* Nick: I'm a scientist. I was working on a product that removed carpet stains. Uh, had one slight, um, side effect. It removed the carpet. I mean, it was still there, but you couldn't really tell. Random Person (O.S.): Why are you invisible? Nick: I was going to get to that. Pillock. I- I- I didn't see the carpet and I tripped over it... ...and one thing led to another and now I'm invisible. Random Person (O.S.): Worst origin ever! Nick: I could kill you and you wouldn't even know it was me. Random Person (O.S.): Well, now you're a suspect. *growls and moans* Group (O.S.): Hi, *growls and moans*! *growls and moans* *high-pitched moan* Hey, did you guys see that zombie? What a ***. I mean, how can you be afraid of something that waddles? I mean, have you ever seen a penguin and went "AIGH!" No, you go "Aww, it's so cute, I just want to pet it." But, uh, vampires are way cuter than zombies. So, ladies, if you wanna pet something... we'll talk. *angry growl* I mean, *angry growl*. What does that even mean? *angry growl*? Speak English! And stop taking our jobs! Deadbeats. I mean, I don't pay taxes... ...but if I did, it would totally go to you walking undeads. And that's unfair. Or something. Nick: Anyway, I'm hoping to find people who are in similar situations to mine. Random Person (O.S.): *sarcastically* Good luck! Nick: Thanks. I'm sorry if I seem a little nervous up here. I'm not used to public speaking. Uh, people tend to get kind of freaked out when voices just come out of nowhere. Heh. Especially at church. Uh, if there's anyone else invisible here... ...uh, please speak up, because I, uh... ...can't see you raising your hands. Voice: Oh! I'm sorry! Yeah, I-I-I'm here. I came here to get help with my werewolf situation. Sorta keep it in check. But I assume that's why all of us here, you know? To get some help with our various supernatural issues. So that's 493-4215? Great. That's five numbers tonight. Knew this wouldn't be a wasted trip.