Best of Richard Ayoade

Can I say there used to be a joke in Birmingham? There used to be a joke in Birmingham? You've done very well out there, Frank. I know. I've reworked it in every form. It used to be why is the Queen got so many children? Because she's got "ER" on her knickers. Right, and in Birmingham that means eh ah! If you are watching in Birmingham, that's for you. I think it is interesting that in Birmingham, people think the way sex happen, is you strip someone down to their knickers and then read the instruction. No, no, she's offering, Eh Ah. But why would the Queen be in her pants anyway? At that point, it's probably clear she's up to it. Hang on, at that point, she would be somewhere, in Birmingham with her pants fully exposed. The fact there is instructions on the pants at that stage, is not the main thing that's gonna tip whoever it is is gonna have a go over the edge. Surely they would started by saying, why is the Queen in this bar, in just her pants. Someone would go, oh no, oh no, let's not do anything, Let's wait to see if there is a message. Alright... It could be, she could be, she could be in a hotel in Birmingham, could be.. Then would they get in? An intruder... What intruder who then read the instruction on the pants, Frank? Not just reading the instruction. It's reading them out loud... phonetically. What they phonetically means. Also, in Birmingham, presumably as in everywhere else, "ER" is on every post box, and on every police, every policeman's head. Is this a city where policemen are being repeatedly *** in the skull, be well meaning strangers? because it is In certain bars on Fridays. No, no, it not. Apparently they just save it for the Queen! Richard, you are our youngest panelist. You are, how old when channel 4 started? Five? Do you remember anything about it? I, I didn't mind it I thought it was fine. It was alright, I approved it. I thought, yea, go, go ahead. To be honest, I wasn't massively consulted on the whole process. I was kind left out with a lot of the key decision on setting up the channel. And we can see the fruit now, working out for the channel or for me as a man. What was Jon Snow talking about? What do you think? Yea. You concur? Definitely The Snow Man. Which also sounds like his rapper name. I think when he actually drop his hip hop joint, that would be the name of his disk. I'm dropping the snowman, he will say. I'm a nerd! Okay? Leave me be. Richard, you are a properly dressed young man. Thank you. Properly attired. Wha? as in I look warm? I like the way you say to them, what you've been up to? When it get to us, well, how's, I like your clothes. That's show business, Noel. Richard, is that right you, you directed your first film? I have, yes. It's Submarine. It's out in March, right? It's called Submarine, out in March. I've seen it. It's very good. It's amazing. There's no submarine in it though. Are you worried people will go, hoping to see a submarine and come out disappointed? I'm worried that no one will go. Regardless of their interests in naval policy. Do you see why I love Richard so much, because he ends punch lines with Naval Policy. Welcome to the niche corner. Hey, Richard, are you alright? No, I drifted off a little bit, to be honest. Yea, generally. Good, just checking in, just Yea, yea, yea, you know what, actually, It's very hard in our place to get the cold water pressure, up, do you know what I mean? The shower,that's it, it's just a nightmare. Other than that, it's fine. You know, it's very hot, the shower, and we actually have to run the hot water just to, you know, take the edge off. This is quite, this is just the... Just checking in with how Richard's doing. Apparently, cold water pressure not great, but we are trying. I guess we will have to, you know, soilder on. Sorry, I just made a mistake of genuinely responding to your question, which I thought... I thought that was an inquiry. I always imagine you as a bath man. You have showers? Are you high up, is your flat high up? It is, the cold water, it can't reach high enough... The cold might be in the tank above, even. We don't have a tank, we took the tank out.That might be the case, that might be the problem, I took the tank out. Why did you take the tank out? Because I wanted to put a big bean bag. Rather the water tank? Yea. Can you not get a plumber? This, this is what... I can get a plumber, but I want a reliable one, Ruth. Get a Welsh one, get a Welsh one. I live in London. I have a plumber, I have the plumber for you. Has anyone got any clue what we are meant to being doing at this moment. Yea, we were just about to solve it. Richard, I have a plumber. He's got you a plumber. Oh yeah. Time for another say what you see question. There will be some pictures. You will say what you see. No one will talk about bath or showers, no one. I had a similar incident where I came out my house and a spider has built a web across my door. This is not a similar incident. Basildon Council, I have some advice for you. Similar thing. It's a similar in a sense I got stock in the web and die How long have you been in your house? Richard, any thought on rogue traders? I'm trying not to get involved. I'm just here for the companionship and, with people, and finally, just to be out I should have more opinions on the rogue trading story. I haven't I just, I just don't think Perhaps, this is not the forum to solve this and as such, I think, we should just move on, to the next fiscally difficult matters. That was 1993, sad thing, both those cat are probably now dead. I don't know when they stopped. Cuz, like in boxing, they used to box like that. Like a hundread years ago people used to box... I mean it has changed now. It's changed? I'm not a hundred. Those are the pictures That's how they used posed. They didn't used to go like that, did they? You are not seeing. Have you not seeing the Sherlock Holmes Films? They definitely did, they used to punch like that. Those are not documentaries That's not how Sherlock Holmes fought. Yes, it is. Hang on, Sherlock Holmes did not exist. Where were you, at the beginning of the decade? Richard, any idea where you were? I was home. for the whole year? Yea, no, I was i actually recorded an entire series of Friends and edited out will be adverts, manually. That's VCR and that's pausing, waiting, unpausing. and that's same from the dvd purchase. So, that's what i did. in the way the name of sorted biscuit is Jaffa cake Actually, a Jaffa cake isn't a biscuit, it is cake. Yea, they had a court case. They had a court case because you don't get VAT on cake and do you want chocolate biscuits. Don't talk to me about taxes. I've got my own problems. That's true, that it's legally a cake and it doesn't attract VAT. Can you make yourself legally a cake? I think possibly if I get myself filled with cream. Yea. Augh! Is that what you accountant makes you do? If you say that, Jimmy, the nation will forgive you. who manages a set new world record after spending 71 days crying in the B & Q Richard and Noel, what have you put as you answer to this question? Your mum. Was it you mum? Now seriously, was it your mum? I feel like a supply teacher at a rough school. Sir, it was so you mum. It's not what you think your head, and look at the card, does it say you mum? Now seriously though, is it your mum? I saw your mum in B&Q, so that... by the garden furniture Crying her eyes out by the garden furniture? No sir, no sir, I did see your mum, I did see her. She was by the garden furniture. She was getting the really cheap *** as well. That was your mum, yea? They are being really mean to me. They are bullying me, I don't like it. It was you mum though. So when is Mr. Rogers back? Cuz he's like a good teacher. Mr. Rogers isn't coming back. He's dead. Did your mum kill him? I heard your mum killed him during sex. hello and welcome to never mind the buzzcocks. I'm Richard Ayoade. now before we get started when i was asked to host the show i said i would be so on one condition but when my financial demands weren't met, i mean not even close, to be honest. I ask for something else I said yes will do it for this low fee have no other work at the moment i mean my career is a tailspin, but I want you to treat pop and soft funk with the seriousness and basic respect it deserves. We all like a chuckle. I mean not now, obviously, it's dead silent. You will like a chuckle That your prerogative as Bobby Brown once said in his hit song of the same name. For once, on NMTV let's put our heads down and have an informative popular musically basic quiz without resorting to jokes the coward's way out. A lot people don't know this, that Britney's middle name is the viking, Britney the viking Spears. she's very prosperous Norwegian darts player. I wonder why more people don't know that. That's why we are watching the show. Why we are watching the show? Hard to know, isn't it? sometimes it's just company, loneliness Ed, any thoughts? Personally, I don't think the Simon Cowell CD exist. No to the CD, what do you think about the dart board? as for the dart board, because they were in Disney, no, I'm getting to deep into this. No, get deep. What I like about you Ed, is you are trying to get to the bottom of this, and that for me is what good quizzing is all about. Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears were in the Disney Club together, they were obviously mates. She's gonna be happy for her, mates being happy and Yanks are obsessed with Brits. Who? the yanks is a condition you get when you are *** and you can't release your genitals. You just can't let go. Obviously, it's gonna be Diana. But I'm not on their team. Ah, but you fell in the right trap, Sheeran. this is 101 stuff you've just given them. Sound reasoning. It's their round. Why did you do it? Cuz you asked me to do it. Oh, Ed, that's too simple. I'm sorry, don't "ah" him He's got to learn if he's gonna keep in the quiz. Next time you ask me, should I just keep quiet? Absolutely, stone face killer. It was tough being underground, but then there were times, like now when I'm pleased I was. Did you not love that song? It's the best song that's ever been written. I have seen the video and the video is great. Because, at the end, the guy's bloody gay. I'd not seen a twist like that since Smack My *** up of Prodigy To be fair, though, if you give your number to a girl, pretty girl like that, and then you discovered that she was as annoying as Carly Rae Jespen, You'd suck a *** to get rid of her. Jack, you don't have to suck *** to get rid of people. Just say, it's not working out, and you can leave, But those are the rules though and later. Every time you leave a room... I'm late, I've got another meeting... Richard, could you stop neglecting the balls when you do that man. How difficult is that, how difficult is that? Don't tell me what to do when I'm sucking your ***, Jimmy.