The War at Home S1E15 - English Transcript

Hey, Hill. Hey. "*** Experience Questionnaire"? What the hell is that? Some test you pass around so you can mix-and-match with other *** kids? That's disgusting. No. This is a survey from the State of New York. Politicians want to know about teenage sex? Yeah, I guess that sounds about right. It's an assignment from health class. All tenth graders have to do it. I haven't filled it out yet. -Hey. -Hey. How you doing? Um, I'm just a little worried. Yeah, I know-- Hillary's taking some sex quiz. It's the first time in my life I've ever worried that she's gonna score too high on a test. Actually, this is about Mike. I found this in his trash can when I was snooping I mean, cleaning in his room. "Life sucks. Why even bother? I feel like crawling in a hole and never coming out. " You sure you didn't find this in my trash? I can't write a tortured song. The best I could come up with was "Life sucks/Crawl in a hole. " But what about our band? I thought up a great name for us. Silver and Gold. You know--Mark Silverberg and Mike Gold. Silver and Gold? Get it? Hey, why don't we get Leo Berman to play the piano and we can call ourselves "Jewy Jewison and the Jewtones"? Don't be so negative. Dude, I'm a middle-class white kid from a good family. No one wants to listen to a song called "The Night the Cable Went Out. " Dave, this is serious. Depression happens to run in my family. Oh, come on. No, I mean it. When she was younger, my Aunt Shelly, she used to be exactly like Mike, you know? She was outgoing and fun. It was, like, "Yay, Aunt Shelly's coming over!" And then after a while, it was, like , "Kooky Aunt Shelly's coming over. " And then she went off the deep end and it was, like, "Hide the knives, Aunt Shelly's coming over. " Now she's in an institution. Whoa, whoa, whoa-- you have an aunt in the *** hatch and this is the first I'm hearing about that? How come you didn't tell me that before we, uh intermingled our gene pools? What are you guys talking about? Oh, honey, your brother's going through a rough patch. He's a little depressed. -I'm sorry, wait--Mike's depressed? -Yeah. What does he have to be depressed about? Well, you're his brother. I know that gets me down sometimes. I just don't believe it. If anyone around here is depressed, it's me. When you have a problem you expect the whole world to fall off its axis. For once, your brother has a problem and it has nothing to do with you. If he even has a problem, which I'm not even sure he does. Oh, he has problems, all right. -Hey, Mark. -Hey. Hey, hey, hey. What's wrong? Your son is a real buzz-kill. Okay, okay, what happened? Tell me. He's just no fun anymore. He doesn't want to do anything. See you later. All right, all right. Don't go hiding the knives just yet. Well, we've got to do something I totally agree. Good. I thought you were going to fight me on this. I'll get the recommendation of a good therapist. Therapist? Come on. I was thinking more like, you know, we take him out for ice cream. That's what they did with my Aunt Shelly, and now there's 31 flavors of her, all of them tooty-fruity. Sweetie, we don't have to go running to some headshrinker. I know exactly what this is about. We've been too busy oiling the squeaky wheels. What's that supposed to mean? It means you're a freak. Honey, what do you think we should do about Mike? We'll buy him a couple of presents, we'll spend a little bit more time with him. We'll just, you know, pay attention to his feelings. You know, if anyone around here could use a couple of presents, it would probably -You shut up, you. Hey, sleepy-head. How come you're not up yet? Because World Cup soccer started at 3:00 a. m. last night. Viva Mexico! I don't know. I'm just tired for some reason. Well, who can sleep when Mommy makes her famous chocolate chip pancakes? Yum, yum, yum. Pancakes? What's wrong? Did Grandma die? No, no, we just wanted to do something special for you. And after work, I'm going to take you to get that new video game you've been asking me for. All right, tell me what's going on. -Are you guys getting a divorce? -No, damn it. Why are you always asking us that? Dave Honey, your dad and I are just concerned because I found that note in your room. Note? What note? The one in the trash. You know, "Life sucks. Why bother? I want to crawl in a hole. " Oh, that. That note wasn't anything. Honey, it's okay, you don't have to be embarrassed. Everybody feels a little blue sometimes. Yeah, we're just afraid you might be a little depressed. And if you are, it's okay. -We're here for you, right, Dave? -Yeah, we're here for you. Anything you need. Anything I need? Okay, so I can either tell them the truth or I can milk this for all it's worth. I just I feel like there's a a dark cloud over me all the time. Hey, is that my lava lamp? Yeah, it is. Mom and Dad said I could have it. Thought it might cheer me up. I don't believe this. In the last week, you got DVDs and video games and you got to miss school. You may be able to play everyone else, but not me. This "I'm so depressed" routine is a load of crap, and I know it and you know it! Larry, I have no idea what you're talking about, but this conversation's upsetting me. Oh, yeah? Well, if you're so depressed. why don't you just go kill yourself? Hey. Hey. What do you got there? It's my sex survey thingy. Yeah? You better be counting the guys you said no to. Hey, we need to talk. All right, we did it your way, we got Mike everything he asked for and he's getting worse. Larry made him cry. Hey, not for nothing, Larry makes me cry from time to time, too. We need to send Mike to a therapist. No, no. No therapy, okay? All those head doctors do is say you have ADD or OCD or NAACP and boom, you're labeled a nut job. And once you start, you can't stop. I'm telling you, Vicky, therapy is like crack for sad people. I don't get it. I'm concerned about our son and you don't seem to care. Of course I care. Then why don't you want Mike to go get help? Because, you know, I just I don't want some therapist to say that there's something actually wrong with him. I just, you know, I can't deal with something like that. Honey, what's the alternative? To be ignorant and in the dark? Hey, some people are afraid of the dark I'm afraid of the light. Honey, your father and I are still very concerned about you. Yeah, that's why we decided to do something for you that's gonna make you feel a lot better. Okay, Dave, tell him what he's won. Mike, you've been bumming us out. That's why we're gonna turn that frown upside down by giving you a brand new Motocross dirt bike! Yes! Yes! Mike, congratulations. And thanks for playing Wheel Of Depression! Yeah! Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle. So, uh, what am I getting? Therapy. Therapy? No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. -I-I-I don't need therapy. -Honey, it's okay. It is no big deal. Really, you don't have to feel weird about it. There have been times in my life when I've had issues and so I've gone to see a therapist. You have? Yeah, she has. And it helped her, so you're going, too. Hmm well, uh maybe a therapist can help me. To get them to send me to Michael Jordan's basketball camp this summer. -That went well. -Yeah. That was good the way you lied and said you saw a therapist. You're a real thinker. Uh, actually, it wasn't a lie, honey. I was in therapy about a year ago. What?! How come I didn't know about that? Because I know how you feel about therapy, and I didn't want to get into it with you. Oh. I understand. So what was going on? It was nothing, honey. I had some issues to deal with, and I dealt with them, and that's it, it's over. Good. That's great. Not a problem. So, w-w-what kind of issues are we talking about? It doesn't matter, honey. It's over and everything's fine now. Right. Fine now. Good. A thing of the past. It was about me, wasn't it? Hey, Mike just told me he's going to therapy? Yeah, so? So, if there's anyone in this family who should be going to therapy, it's me. I'm the middle child, I'm neurotic, I'm the one with horrible social skills. How many cries for help do you need?! Hey, if you don't stop bugging me, you're going to add "abandonment issues" to your list. What is your problem? Your brother's going through a rough patch and all you can do is think about yourself? But I'm telling you, there's nothing wrong with Mike Hey, shh. You don't know this but there is a history of mental illness in our family. Not mine. Your mother's side. They're all whack-a-dos. All right, first of all, "whack-a-dos" is a very insensitive term. And, secondly, Aunt Shelly's the only one in the family who's actually in a nut-house. Oh, my God. So what you're saying is that I could develop a debilitating mental illness. Let me ask you, this Aunt Shelly, before she went crazy, did she have weird thoughts like what would happen if she was suddenly on the Iron Chef and she didn't know how to cook? I don't know, honey, but trust me, you're 100% normal. Well, thanks, Mom. -Looking for this? -Huh? You know, between his sleeping and his moods, and that note, you know, we're just very concerned, Doctor. And I'm not one of those parents that, you know, overreacts, but he turned down chocolate-chip pancakes. Well, I don't consider therapy overreacting, I just think it's good parenting. Plus, all I need is one more manic depressive or schizophrenic and I can afford to re-landscape. Teenage depression is a very serious matter. All right, Doc, let's not start with the labels, okay? Mike's not depressed, I just think he's in a bad mood. Well, after I talk to him, we'll have a better idea of where he's at. Oh, thank you so much, Dr. Lieber. Yeah, thanks a lot, Doc. Hey, but before we go, let me ask you a question. Hypothetically speaking, a wife goes to a therapist behind her husband's back. All right? Wouldn't this hypothetical husband have every right to know what the hell was going on with his hypothetical wife? Dave Mr. Gold, I think at this point, my time is better spent talking to your son. -Don't you agree? -Yeah, absolutely. I'm just saying, though, wouldn't this wife's behavior-- in your lingo-- be considered a little "passive-aggressive"? Hey, hey, let's get Mike before this wife's Behavior becomes aggressive-aggressive? What makes you think I was talking about you? Talk about paranoia. Get away from that door. Sorry, sorry. He's going to be okay, right? I'm just a little worried, you know? If by some chance he's not okay, there's medication that can help him, right? I mean, he's got to be okay. Honey, he's going to be fine. Let's just think about something else. O kay. Hey, uh when you went to this therapist, it's because you had an affair and you felt guilty, right? No. I didn't feel guilty at all about the affair. Ha, ha, ha. Right? "Ha, ha, ha?" Right? So, Mike, when you envision yourself happy, what exactly do you see? I don't know, it's so hard to imagine myself being happy at this point. I guess I see myself snowboarding? In I don't know Jackson Hole? Aunt Shelly? Um Aunt Shelly? Ah! Hi. I'm Vicky's son, Larry. I just wanted to meet you and maybe ask you a few questions. Do you watch the Iron Chef? Vicky's son, Larry? Nah, that's impossible. Vicky only had two kids: Hillary and Mike. Um, no, that's not true. I'm the middle child, I'm Larry. Larry? Larry! Oh! Actually, honey, you're not Vicky's son. You're my son. They took you away because I'm insane. Nah, I'm not his mother, I was just screwing with him. Serves them right for never visiting me. Your little stint in therapy, that was because of the time when the game was on and you made advances at me, and I turned you down because I had a meatball sandwich, right? Right? That's what it was, right? -Because let me tell you something. -Dave -Let me tell you something. I'm not sure if you know how the male anatomy works, but there's only so much blood in the body. Dave, let it go. No, I just hate the idea of some guy judging me on my performance when he doesn't know the facts, all right? You know, they don't call me "Do it again, Dave" for no reason. Okay, enough! Enough! -You want to know why I went to a therapist? -Yeah, I want to know! -Okay, good, I'm going to tell you. -I want to hear about it, tell me! -Fine! I went to a therapist because I couldn't stand how you refuse to let something go. You know? You pester me and you harangue me, and then when you're done, you pester me some more. It's enough to drive anyone crazy. So, yes, I went to a therapist so he could give me some coping skills. -Is that right? -Yeah. Yeah? What kind of coping skills? Well, you know when you start in I go la-la-la-la-la-la-la I remind myself how much I love you, and what a terrific father and husband you are, and how lucky I am to have you. Sounds like a pretty smart therapist. But just so you know, some husbands don't even speak to their wives, all right? You call it "haranguing," I call it "taking an interest. " For instance La-la-la-la-la-lala Mr. and Mrs. Gold? This is very difficult thing for a therapist to tell a parent about their child Oh, God. What, he's sick? He's really sick? Actually, the clinical term is, "Big ( bleep ) Liar. " I-I'm sorry, Doctor, I don't follow. He's trying to take advantage of the fact that you think he's depressed to get stuff out of you. No. Are you sure? Believe me, nothing would give me or my accountant greater pleasure than for me to tell you I need to see him three times a week for the next ten years but, fortunately for you, he's just a manipulative, little ( bleep ). I knew it. I knew it. There's nothing wrong with him. Well, not yet. Not yet. I am just relieved to know that he's okay. Thank you, Doctor. Can you believe this, Doc? You see what kind of crap we have to put up with? I mean, what kind of kid does this to his parents? -Makes you mad, huh? -Yeah, it makes me mad. Makes me mad. I mean, if I had done this "Oh, I'm so depressed" routine with my father, you know what he would've done? Nothing, because he never would have even noticed in the first place. So, he neglected your feelings? Of course he neglected my feelings, he was the father. That must have hurt. Well, it didn't feel good, Doc. So, I'm guessing that now as a adult you feel kind of overwhelmed as a parent because you never had a positive male role model as a child? No female ones, either; my mother's out of her tree. Overwhelmed? Yeah, I feel overwhelmed. I get a little anxious, too, Doc. Sometimes I check in with my inner child, and he seems like he's crying. You know I have an opening on Saturday afternoons if you'd be interested. Oh, he'd be interested. Hi, it's Dr. Lieber. Let's go with the Japanese Zen garden. Yeah, lots of bamboo. Ooh-- and a koi pond. So, what did the doctor say? Will I ever feel happy again? Yeah. You're going to be fine, sweetheart once we start the medication. Medication? What are you talking about, medication? Don't worry about it, it's no big deal. It's just some antidepressant, anti-psychotic. There's a couple of side effects, but it's not like you're going to miss sex, because you never had it before. No, no, no, I really don't think that's necessary Don't worry, if the pills don't work, there's always electric-shock treatment. Yeah, don't worry, they just have to shave your head, they give you a couple, you know-- bzzt, bzzt. Bzzt. You know, it doesn't hurt that much. But then sometimes it really hurts a lot. Yeah. Yeah. All right, look, I have to tell you guys the truth. I'm not really depressed, okay? That note you found was a song I tried to write, and I was just trying to get you to buy me stuff. We know that, you idiot! Yeah, what's the matter with you, huh? How can you do something like that? -How we supposed to know when there's something really wrong, you moron! -You scared us! I know, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay, well you're going to be even sorrier when we take away your DVDs and your phone -Your Game Boy! -Your snowboard and anything else that brings you joy. Gonna shut you down. Wow, now I really am depressed. Good, that makes me happy. Oh, my God. Oh, my Oh, my God! What is wrong? Apparently, according to this *** survey here, Hillary has And she's also And she even Where exactly did you get this from? Yeah, she left it on the kitchen counter. You think this is funny? What? Relax. Don't you see what Hillary is doing? Yeah, apparently everything but No. She got you. You have been bugging her for weeks, and she obviously filled this out and left it laying around where you would find it. She got you. Ah! She got me. She got me. Yeah, that's a good one. Thank God. You know what I should do, Brenda? I should fill out another sex questionnaire and then just fake all the answers and leave it laying around for my dad to find. You're right, that is too mean.