Cavalcade of Comedy Uncensored Part 2

They must have spent, like, 5,000 bucks on all those decorations. Hey, Vishnu. What? Where are all the decorations for your birthday? Ha, ha. Very funny. No, no. Seriously. Where are they? 'Cause I see, like, every house in America... has decorations up for my birthday, but nothing for yours. Maybe they have some in India. Nope. Nothin' there. Just some guy wipin' his *** with his hand. [ Sighs ] Oh, but seriously, dude, happy birthday. I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. What the ***-- [ *** Rifle ] Wrong house! Wrong house! Mmm. What is this? This is great. It's ghost. I killed it myself. It's really juicy. Yeah. I'll give you some ghost jerky to take home. Oh, terrific. Sounds great. Ted, this has been great. You're welcome. No way, Vince. We cannot do that. There's no way we can do that. Actually, Vince, it turns out we can do that. Cool. Hey, it's Tara Reid. Wow. Tara, you're so beautiful-- And I really love the way your stomach looks. Hey, thanks, guys. How's my favorite nephew? Oh, real good. Just gettin' a beer. Mitch, can I just say how much I adore Janine? Yeah, she's great. Actually, we just had our one-year anniversary. Oh, how nice. Did you do anything fun to celebrate? Well, we kept it pretty low key. I took her over to Spinelli's-- Oh, how lovely. Yeah, and then we pretty much just went home. Oh-- I to Jani saved a piece of our wedding cake in the freezer. Oh, I like that. That's a cute idea. Yeah. Well, you know, it's kinda cheesy, but, you know, it's fun. And we put our own little twist on it. I took the piece of cake and then just shoved the *** way up into her ***-- y I'm talkin', like, if I was wearin' a watch, it's gone. Then I just start *** her, you know? Just, like, super *** her, like, just pounding the *** cake the *** up in her, you know? Oh, my. Yeah. And then-- Oh, you're gonna love this. I take my *** out. I make her lick the cake off my ***-- All of it. Then I give her a little homemade ***' icing, if you know what I mean. Say, Aunt Helen, why do you always wear that stupid scarf on your head? I have cancer. Still? Boy, that's gotta be a ***' *** deal, huh? First. I'm first. Shear me. I'm ready to be sheared. Uh, l-look, I don't wanna do this-- No, no, no. It's cool, man. It's cool. It's all good. You not gonna do that thing-- No, I'm not gonna do that thing. It's fine. It's fine. All right. [ Exhales ] Cool. Whirring ] Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's good. Yeah-- No, shear it. ***' shear me. Shear the *** *** off me. ***, yeah-- I thought you said you weren't gonna be doing-- I am. I'm doing a bit. I'm just doing a bit. That's all. [ Groans ] It's all good, all right? Okay, just go. Do it. Do it. [ Mutters ] [ Whirring ] Oh, yeah. ***. ***' shear my ***, ***. Yeah, make me naked. Make me a naked ***' skin sheep. Yeah, run that thing all over my ***. Yeah. ***, yeah! Okay, I'm not doin' this. What-- Come on, dude. What's your problem? I'm not gonna do it. You're freakin' me out. You can't stop. You're, like, halfway done. I don't care. You can't leave me halfway sheared. Shorn. Halfway shorn. You can't do that. Come on, dude. Don't be a ***. [ Groans ] Okay, fine. But I swear to God, if you keep-- I won't. I promise. Relax. It's all good now. It's all good, all right? [ Whirring ] Oh, ***. Oh, my God. ***, ye Oh, ***' shear me the *** up. Oh, yeah, I'm so ***' hard right now. ***! Got a big, ***' cotton ***. *** me with that thing. ***'-- ***' shear my ***. Shear around my ***' ***. Shove that ***' thing up my ***! Stick it up my *** immediately. Stick me up the *** with that. Shear me up the ***. Do it! I'm done. What? I'm done. What the ***? You're not right in the head. I'm done. You jerk. I thought we were friends. [ Beeping ] [ Whirring ] Hi. I'm Wil Wheaton. I know. I can't believe it either. Never, ever feed a dog chocolate while he wears a tinfoil hat in the microwave. It's just not cool.