Married S1E3 - English Transcript

Doctor: I see you brought your wife along for moral support. Russ: Yeah. She's here to make sure I go through with it. Doctor: No one likes getting cut down there. A vasectomy's a very simple procedure. An incision is made above the testicles. We sever the tubes, then we seal them. That's it. No more *** in the ***. How cool is that? Russ: So cool. Doctor: May I ask what birth control method you're currently using? Russ: Oh, uh, abstinence. Lina: Condoms. Russ: But mostly abstinence. Doctor: What made you decide that a vasectomy is the right procedure? Russ: Oh, I didn't decide. This was pretty much all her. Doctor: Really? Lina: I just don't want him going off and starting a new family. He can barely afford the one that he has. Russ: Wow. You know what? While you're down there, just take the whole thing off. I don't need it. Lina: I'm comfortable with that. S01E03 The Getaway Russ: Yeah, I think Lina feels bad about the whole surgery thing, so, she's taking me on a little romantic getaway. - Jess: Oh. - AJ: Oh. Jess: It's like a vasectomy-moon. - Russ: I guess. - AJ: One last trot around the track before you're carted off to the glue factory. - Jess: Who's watching the kids? - Russ: What? You are. Jess: What? - Russ: Dude, that's - Jess: Since when? Russ: We talked Since Jess (Laughing): I'm messing with you. - AJ (Laughing): Looking so dumb. - Russ: So not cool. No, I'm just excited for the hotel sex. We haven't had real sex in our own bed since, like, the kids. - Jess: Mm. - Russ: I feel like hotel sex - is the only thing that's left anymore. - Jess: Oh, yeah. I would kill someone for hotel sex. Shep doesn't even look at me anymore. AJ: Jess, what do you expect? You married an old guy. Jess: No, that's not what it is. It's that I'm, like I annoy him. Like, I'm annoying. Oh, thanks, ***. (Laughter) Do you know that I told him the other day I went up to him, and I was, like, "I've been sexting the neighbor," and it was just, like, nothing. - AJ: Wait. What?! - Russ: You sexted the neighbor? Jess: We were just joking around. But his wife she has no sense of humor. AJ: Oh, she doesn't like you sexting her husband? She's terrible. Jess: She doesn't want other people to be happy? - That's messed up. - AJ: Totally. - Jess: Right. - Russ: Yeah. - AJ: She's really unreasonable. - Jess: You shut up. You what time are you dropping your kids off tomorrow? - Russ: No idea. - AJ: Whenever, man. - What is time? - Jess: Thanks, brah. Russ: I wish. (Lina and Jess laughing) - Russ: Thank you guys. - Shepard: All right. - Jess: Have fun! - Lina: Okay. Jess: And don't worry about your children. Shepard: Hey, is it okay if we take 'em for ice cream? Lina: Honestly, I don't care what you feed 'em. - Russ: Feed them rocks. - Shepard: Got it. Rocks. Russ: Bye. Thanks again. (Car horn ***) Charlene: Excuse me. Do you have a second? Shepard: Uh, look, Jess is sorry about texting your husband. She just she gets carried away. Uh, but it's never gonna happen again. - Jess: I'm sorry. - Shepard: She's sorry. Charlene: Marco never came home last night. We had a fight, and he's not picking up his phone. - Have you guys been in contact? - Jess: No. I swear, we have not. Total ***, right? Shepard: Yeah. Lina: Are we crazy for leaving our kids with that psycho? Russ: I don't know. Shep's sort of normal. - Lina: He married her. - Russ: Open my wallet right now. Look inside. Tell me what you see. (Lina gasps) Lina: What?! A ***? Russ: Right? Not only a ***. The last ***. The very last *** that you and I will ever use together. - Lina: The end of an era. - Russ: Indeed. - Russ: Wow. - Lina: I know. - Russ: Can we afford this? - Lina: I got a groupon. - Russ: 'Cause you're the best. - Lina: I am. Russ: Wow. Lina: I feel like this place is gonna make a killer Margarita. Russ (Whispering): What's with all the khaki? Lina: Oh. "Welcome Nordoff Worldwide. " - We're at a company retreat. - Russ: I can work at Nordoff. Lina: You wouldn't last five minutes at Nordoff. - Russ: I could be a businessman. - Lina: Uh-uh. - Russ: Pork futures. - Lina: Really? Russ: It's the future of pork. Lina: That's not what futures is. Russ: Hi. I'm David Nordoff. This is my wife Gail. (Lina laughing) We're about to use our last ***, so - Lina: Sorry. - Russ: Do not disturb. Russ: The guy gave it to me. Thought I put it in the bag. Lina: I know better than to trust you with a key. - Kim: Are you serious? - Tyler: No. Kim: Did you lose the key in two minutes? - Tyler: No. Hey. - Russ: Hey. Tyler: No, I think I gave it to you in the lobby. - Kim: No, you did not! - Tyler: I'm pretty sure I did, though. - Kim: No. Look. - Remember, the guy gave it to me - Kim: And then - then the guy took all our stuff Kim: No. (Lina sighs) (Toilet flushing) (Door opening) - Lina: Hey. - Russ: Hi. What, uh what happened to the thing I got you? Lina: Um I took it back and got this. Russ: It looks good. Lina: So want to do it? Russ: Sure. - Ow. Your knee is - Lina: What? Russ: Oh, it's fine. I think I need you to I need you to warm me up or something. Lina (Whispering): My jaw's getting sore. Russ: Oh, ***. I fell out. - Lina: Oh, we can get it back. - Russ: No. - Lina: Come on. - Russ: I can't. Lina: Oh. (Lina groans) (Russ sighs) (Tyler and Kim moaning on other side of wall) (Bed squeaking) Russ: Oh, my God. (Tyler moans) (Russ sighs) Tyler: You like that? - Russ: I mean - Tyler: You like that? Huh? Kim: Yes. Oh. Lina: Can they hear us not having sex? (Loud moaning) Russ: Oh, look. It's the screamers. Lina: Oh, man. - Her *** is so tiny. - Russ: Mm-hmm. It is. Lina: Does that get you hard? Russ: It probably would. Lina: Well, look at it. Lina: Whew! Kim: Are you guys with Nordoff? Russ: Uh, as a matter of fact, yeah. Yeah, I run the, uh, green tech division. - I replaced Peterson. His wife - Lina: He's lying to you. Kim: Oh. (Chuckles) - Russ: Sorry. - He's we're on a romantic getaway. - Kim: Oh, wow. - Lina: What about you guys? Kim: Uh, I'm-I'm at Nordoff. But Tyler's my plus one. - Lina: Oh. - Tyler: I'm a constant plus one. Kim: No, he's a really actually a great chef. - Lina: Really? - Kim: Mm-hmm. Tyler: Well, I mean, like, not technically yet. - Like, I'm not a chef yet. - Kim: Well, you're going to be. Kim: We're gonna, um, open a restaurant so I can quit my stupid job. And call it TK's. Russ: We used to have a TK's. - Our own little TK's. - Lina: Yeah. - Russ: Little surf shop in Venice. - Tyler: Cool. - Kim: Oh, wow. - Lina: It was a really bad investment, - but it was super cute. - We did all right for a little while. Lina: No, we didn't, actually, but it was fun. - Kim: You know, while you're young. - Tyler: Yeah. (Doorbell rings) Charlene: I need to talk to your wife. He's ignoring all my calls and texts. I'm so sorry. I don't really understand how I could help here. I thought that maybe, you know, he'd respond to you. Jess: I think probably that should just end, don't you? Charlene: No. No, you know, just just can you communicate with him? Like, the way that you communicate with him? Shepard: I believe she's asking you to sext her husband. Jess: All right, I don't think that that's a very good idea. Shepard: She would love to help you. Russ: So apparently they just make a small incision just right above the *** and then they go in with two metal pliers, basically, and stretch the incision out a little bit, pull the two tubes out Tyler: That sounds awful, man. It sounds bad. Lina: You feel a pinch. Tyler: Remember when we, uh when we fixed Brutus? Kim: Oh, God. God, that was really sad. - Lina: I'm sure it wasn't that bad. - Russ: What happened? Tyler: I mean, at first, nothing. He just walked around the apartment *** everything - like normal and then - Kim: He *** a lot. Tyler: One day the *** just stopped. I mean, it's like he he realized that there was no point anymore. So now he just sleeps all day on the couch. - It's a bummer. - Kim: Aw, he's a good dog. Tyler: He is. Well, I'm pruning up. We should get back to the room. - Kim: Yeah. - Lina: Good luck with chef school. (Moaning through wall) (Bed squeaking) Lina: Do you want to try again, honey? Russ: No. Lina: Oh, come on. You want to? Russ: I need to take a walk. Ina: Okay, baby. I'm going to wait here. Russ: I bet he's got his finger in her ***. I bet he's got his thumb, like Right up there. (Moaning continues) - Tyler: Hey, dude. - Russ: Hey. Tyler: Kim's taking a nap. Russ: Yeah, Lina, too. Tyler: Yeah. Guess we wore 'em out, huh? (Both chuckle) - Russ: You-you know it. - Tyler: Can I get one of these? - Do you like cars? - Russ: Yeah. Tyler: Check this guy out. - Russ: Nice. - Tyler: Yeah, right? - Russ: Wow. That a road runner? - Tyler: Yep. - Russ: Early '70s? - Tyler: Uh, '69. - Russ: Mm, second year they made 'em. - Tyler: Wow, dude. Droppin' knowledge. Impressive. You're a lot cooler than I thought. Russ (Chuckles): Thank you. Oh, that's really beautiful. Tyler: A man can dream, right? Russ: How far away is it? Tyler: Not far. Russ: You want to go check it out? - How much are they asking? - Tyler: Eight grand. - Russ: No. - Tyler: Yeah. Dude, I mean, this thing's got to be worth three times that. Tyler: I mean, I guess they just want to get rid of it. Russ: Aw, ***. If I was your age, I would go for it. I mean, you have no kids, no mortgage. A wife with a good job. I mean, look at this thing. Oh, it's so sweet, dude. Tyler: Eight grand is a lot of money though. It's not though. I mean, if you have it and you can do it I don't know. I would do it. - Tyler: Can you believe it?! - Russ: I feel so cool. - Tyler: Dude, this is my muscle car. - Russ: Dude, congratulations. - Tyler: Thank you. - Russ: This is awesome. Tyler: Yeah. I just want to really and sincerely thank you for helping me pull the trigger on this. I never would've done it unless I met you and you, like, pushed me to do it. Russ: No. Sometimes you just need that push, you know? Tyler: Chef school can wait. - I mean, Kim will get it, right? - Russ: What? This was your chef school money? You said it was a good investment. I can get, like, three times what I paid for it, right? Russ: I mean yeah. I'm not exactly an expert, so, you know, I It's just, you know, with the You know, economy. (Tyler whoops) Charlene: So, uh, how does it usually start? Jess: I don't know. This is weird. It never went that far. We were just joking around. What did you guys joke about? Jess: I don't know, just stupid like, "oh, neither one of us are having very much sex, like, um, with our partners. " Shepard: Well, maybe you could joke about that right now. 'Cause it's funny. (Jess sighs) Jess: "Shep is asleep On the sofa. What are you up to?" (Phone chimes) He knows that he's not supposed to text me, so he's not going to respond, okay? Charlene: Okay. (Phone dings) Is that is that him? Jess: Um Shepard: "Just thinking about you. " That's so sweet. "Wanna play?" (Phone chimes) (Phone dings) "Only want to play if it's dirty. " "Thinking about your balls. " Jess: No, you're not. No. Mm-mm. Shepard: Well, change what you don't like. Jess: "I've been a very bad girl. Forgot to wear ***. Uh-oh. " (Phone chimes) (Phone dings) Shepard: "Sounds like you need to be punished. " Okay, so, working off of that, how do you think you should be punished? - Seriously. - Charlene: Yeah. Jess: Okay, fine. "I deserve to be tied up. " Shepard: That's right. Eh, uh Jess: "And peed on"? Shepard: See, now that sounds right. (Phone chimes) Charlene: What is wrong with you people? Shepard: Excuse me. We're trying to help you. Jess: Okay, can we just regroup for a second? We were just joking around. Nobody was ever gonna act on anything, okay? (Phone dings) Shepard: "Let's meet up. " How 'bout that? - Charlene: Yeah, okay. - Yeah, let's do it. "I'll be there. Pick a place. Getting excite Getting wet. Gushing Thinking about it. " (Phone chimes) (Phone dings) Shepard: "Valley Oak Bar, north Hollywood. On my way. " - Charlene: Okay, let's go. - Jess: Let's not, let's not. (Shortgh) Let's not. Jess: Not him. It's not him. Shepard: He's late. I don't think he's coming. Jess: Yeah. Charlene: Well Maybe maybe he's not, but maybe maybe I should be *** messaging neighbors. Maybe that will get his attention, you know? Or maybe I'll go brunette. Maybe I should just shave off all my hair pubes, too. You know, maybe I should get ***, but maybe I'll just get bigger drinks. Shepard: I think it might be time to cut Charlene off. - Jess: Oh, you think so? - Shepard: And get her home. Shepard: You know what, sweetie? Charlene and I were talking, and I just explained to her that sometimes people send texts and just, like you said, this is not he's not gonna act on it, and it's - Jess: Right. - Charlene: Right. Shepard: He's not gonna show up, and you have nothing to worry But we'll just We'll get, we'll get her a cab - and she's gonna go home. - Charlene: Yeah. - Shepard: It's gonna be okay. - Charlene: Thank you. - Jess: Oh, oh, you know what - Shepard: Yeah, okay. - Charlene: Thank you. - Shepard: Okay. - That was weird. - Jess: Yup. Shepard: Yeah. I said it's gonna be fine, but I don't think so. - Jess: No. - Shepard: No, I-I don't think - those two are gonna make it. - Jess: I don't think so, either, especially since he just showed up at this bar. And I waved him off. And that was that. - Shepard: You're smooth. - Jess: I'm very smooth. - Are you still mad at me? - Shepard: No. No, no no. Jess: No, you're not, because you kind of like it when I get us into these jams that's kind of your thing. Shepard: I knew who I was marrying. - You're really a lot of trouble. - Jess: Mm-hmm. - Lina: Where are those guys? - Kim: I don't know. - Sounds like a real bro-fest. - Lina: Russ always makes friends. (Engine rumbling) (Horn honks) Tyler: What do you think? Huh? - Kim: Is that your guys' car? - Lina: No. - That is definitely not ours. - Tyler: I just bought this. For us. Kim: For us? Well, I mean, like, I have my whole life to go to chef school, so Kim: You bought this stupid piece of *** for us? Tyler: Well, it's not a stupid piece of ***. Lina: Um, it's a It's a really a beautiful car. Russ: It is, it's-it's, it is a it's a '69. - Lina: Really? - Russ: Which yeah, which - was one of the first - Lina: Wait, this is a '69? - Russ: Which was one of the first - Kim: What about the restaurant? - Lina: That makes it even cooler. - Kim: That was our future. The restaurant's still our future. And, uh, Russ was saying that we should live in the now. Lina: You know, restaurants usually fail within the first year, anyway, so Russ: They do, within the first year some within six months. Lina: He could actually be saving you money. Russ: And you know what? You guys you know, this is the time to-to ride free. - You know, with, like - Lina: Once you start having kids you're never gonna have a chance like this again. - Russ: Yeah, unencumbered. - Did this moron talk you into this? He told me it was gonna be a really good investment. Russ: That's not No, you know what, I never actually, - I, we didn't - Did you just call my husband a moron? Yeah, if he made my husband buy this car, then he's a moron. Lina: Uh, my husband can't make anyone do anything. Russ: That's true, I Lina: 'Cause my husband would never do anything this stupid. - Russ: Wait. - Lina: And if he did, he certainly wouldn't blame it on anyone else, right, honey? - Russ: Right. - Kim: I don't I don't need your sad, boring old couple advice, okay? I'm doing just fine alone. Tyler: Babe, you should just take a ride in it. (Lina and Russ laughing) Russ: Do you remember when we were that dumb? - Lina: Baby, you're still that dumb. - I know, but that's how you like it. - Lina: I do. - Russ: Real dumb. Lina: So dumb. - Oh, oh, yeah, yeah! - So dumb. Oh, oh, oh, oh! (Russ grunting) (Lina screaming) Oh, oh, my God! Russ: Oh. (Both moaning) (Both breathing heavily) Lina: Oh, yeah. (Laughs) (Laughing) Can we do it again? Russ: I don't We're out of supplies. (Lina sighs) (Knocking) Russ: Uh, you don't happen to have an extra ***, do you? Kim: Who the hell is that? Tyler: Uh Lina: How did it go? Russ: Barely felt a thing. Doctor: Oh, hey, guys, uh, before I forget no *** for 48 hours. Russ: No problem. Lina: You're never gonna make it. Russ: No, not a chance.