Bible Games 2 - Angry Video Game Nerd

[To the tune of Santa Clause Is Coming to Town] He's playing some games, the worst he recalls [To the tune of Santa Clause Is Coming to Town] He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls The Angry Video Game Nerd is here Oh, he's making a list and checking it twice He's gonna go home and eat chicken and rice The Angry Video Game Nerd is here He hates the games that stink He knows which games to break He just might even hate them all 'Cause he's mad for ***' sake You better watch out, don't give these games a try You better not play 'em, he's telling you why The Angry Video Game Nerd is here Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuckfest! Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Yeah. Now would you believe, there's actually more of them? Like, who makes video games based off the Bible? Why would you do that? These games suck ***! If I was God, I'd be pissed. First, let's check out Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land. What the hell's this? "To start the game, please wait up to nine flashes on TV screen"? "Power on, please wait seven seconds between power off and power on"? Wow. Quite a lot of instructions just to start the damn game. You play as Moses. I guess on his journey to the promised land he had to go through labyrinths and shooting W's at everything and collect sacks with the letter M. I don't know about this one. It's just a puzzle game. It's playable. Basically, you have to collect a certain amount of items in order for an exit to appear. I'm not even sure exactly what the items are, but it pretty much means that you have to uncover every square. Oh, this is so redundant. It's really one of those games where you need a turbo controller. So, the exit appears, you take it, and then you get a bunch of Bible questions, like, "The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to:" "kill male babies, kill all babies"? Kill all... babies? I'm playing an NES game that says "Kill all babies"?! And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means it's something they made up. "Kill all babies"! So, for every question you answer correctly you get, what else, a Bible, and then you get a violent picture of somebody being whipped, and then it's on to the next level. Oh, this is so monotonous. Obviously I'm going all the way in the middle. Oh, no. Now I gotta go all the way back. Oh, *** hell. This is ridiculous! So then I get back out, I finish up all the crap I gotta do. Oh, so I guess it's the question marks I gotta get. And then what? Where's the exit? Oh, it's back over there? Oh, my Lord. I've had enough with this ***. All right, next up, let's try... Noah's Ark? Haven't we played this already? Remember in Bible Adventures there were three games, one of which was Noah's Ark, that stupid *** where you're picking up stacks of animals? Then of course there's the infamous Super Noah's Ark 3D, the only unlicensed Super NES game, which happens to be a clone of Wolfenstein, where you're going around shooting goats. So now we have yet another game based off of Noah's Ark. But there's something very different about this one. What's that? It was actually licensed by Nintendo. Who made this? [Title theme from "Contra" plays] Okay, now I'm really curious. Okay. Who would've thought this would actually be decent? Well, it was only released in Europe, which means it's in the PAL format, and it can't be played on any North American NES, unless you have the toploader. That plays anything. The game's not bad, but it's *** weird. Why are there native Americans in Noah's time, and why does he turn into a fish? If he and all the animals could turn into fish, they wouldn't even need the *** ark! Also, it's generally a pain in the ***, because enemies can drain half your life bar with one hit. Even the tiniest things such as bees, which take almost all your life. And there's lots of things you can't even touch at all, or you die instantly. This makes it almost pointless to even have a life bar. Also, there's hidden bonus stages, but if you find one of them, it doesn't bring you back. So, rather than returning you to the game where you left off, it puts you back at the beginning of the stage, which is *** ***! But overall, I would at least go as far to call it a game. All right, what's next? Oh, Joshua. This one looks fun, right? Oh, no. Doesn't this look familiar? It's the same thing as Exodus. Well, that scratches that off the list. What's the point of discussing the same game twice? The only difference is that you're Joshua, I assume, and that there's a voice. [digitized voice] Be courageous, Joshua! But what's even stranger, this game is a copy of a game, which is a copy of another game: Crystal Mines. Damn! Well, here's a little history lesson. Color Dreams was the company making all these unlicensed games for the NES, like Captain Comic, Secret Scout, and Raid 2020; maybe I'll review that in the year 2020. Anyway, Color Dreams for whatever reason decided they wanted to start doing Bible games, now under the name Wisdom Tree. Essentially, they were recycling some of their old Color Dreams games and adding Christian themes. For example, here we have Menace Beach, which was turned into Sunday Funday. Let's check it out. So this is Menace Beach. Basically, you're some kid on a skateboard trying to rescue some girl. It's plagued by godawful control, a pathetic attack range, and the most annoying level design I've ever seen. But the most interesting thing about this game is that between each level, you see your girlfriend begging you to rescue her, and each time, her clothes gradually disappear. The first time playing this, I didn't even realize what was happening. She says [high voice] "I've been here so long, my clothes are starting to rot!" Seriously, that's the only explanation. I think she would die of starvation before her clothes would rot. But the funny thing is that it's a strangely effective way to get you to play the game, because, just for curiosity's sake, it makes you wonder: how much of her clothes are going to come off? It's like, hey, we got this horrible *** game, but there's a girl taking her clothes off, so you gotta keep playing. How did this turn into a Bible game? Well, let's find out. Here comes Sunday Funday. It might interest you to know, this is actually the last game ever made for the NES, and it was as late as 1995. Oh, no, no, no! There's THREE games! Oh boy. Let's try them all. Here's Fish Fall. Okay, you're a hand trying to grab falling fish and throw them up into a floating basket. What does this have to do with the Bible? What does catching parachuting fish and throwing them up at an electric eel, UP, at an electric eel, have to do with the Bible? Oh, okay. It's got some Bible verses thrown in. Now it makes perfect sense. Okay, let's try 4Him. What? It's karaoke? Oh, please. Now that I've wasted my time with all that, let's play Sunday Funday. Well, it's identical to Menace Beach. Just look at the title screens. It's the same exact game. Now, there are a few minor differences, but we'll get to them as we go. Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you're not even going to believe this when I tell you, you're trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult. Who are these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church? It's bad enough that the entire town's trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like, why does everyone want him dead? I'd say he's having quite a day, and the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like, "Oh, what'd you do on this Sunday morning before church?" "Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers, I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and ***, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's *** face off." Yeah, look at the face. Oooh, God, that's so violent. Now, instead of the stripping chick, you get this annoying *** who does nothing but nag you. "Get your *** to Sunday school!" The only other thing I've noticed that's been changed are some of the enemies. Ninjas are now kids, and these Elvis-looking guys are now plumbers. Maybe ninjas were too violent, and Elvis's devilish rock 'n' roll was too much for a religious game. But, everything else fits perfectly fine. Why does a bird come out every time you kill someone, and why do they turn from white to black? Kinda like a reverse Michael Jackson. Your attack is so pathetic. It seems you have to keep skating past people while tapping the button, and I never figured out the right timing. It's just luck whether you hit them or not. What are you supposed to be doing, anyway? Just spinning around? Look at this, I'm still trying to hit this guy. Finally. Oh, ***. Another real ***-off is that it keeps going dark. Seems like I'm running into that problem a lot with games lately. It's so annoying. You have to keep hitting the switches to keep the room bright. Oh, come on, get the damn switch. Oh, what the ***. Oh, man. I really hate those springs. All I'm trying to do is go down and to the right, but I can't make it. Awww! Aw, ***. Awwww, God! When you don't want the springs to bounce you around, they do. And when you want them to, they don't! What the ***. Why didn't it bounce me? There's also these squares that make you fall through the pipes. I don't know what that's about. Some enemies you can only kill with bombs, and trying to get them to stand near a bomb is ridiculously hard. Come on. Of course he's not gonna come near it. Okay, there, perfect. He's laughing, he's got two bombs ready to blow, and he walks away. Okay, there's another one—of course, he goes right past it. Oh, there he goes—***. Okay, look at this: this is nice. I'm stuck, I need a balloon to fly over the hole, but I need to go back to get the balloon. Too bad I can't jump high enough. So, it's time to commit suicide. Here's the problem: this little ledge shouldn't be here. It's pointless because, once you're there, you're stuck. Oh, ***, get me away from the bombs, I hate those *** springs! GAH! Oh! Got lucky there. I hate those *** things, they're the worst. Damn! Oh, this game is so annoying. Look at this. I got trapped in some sort of pipe. There's no way down. What I'm trying to do is get on the floor and go under it, but there's a *** spring that comes up. Then there's that damn switch making it go dark. I get bounced all over the place. Man! Just get down there! Oh! Ugh! UGH! ***! I'm surprised. This game is actually really hard. It's one of the hardest I've ever played. Mostly because of this *** right here. You have to bounce on a bunch of springs; some bounce you up, and some bounce you down. The idea is not to touch the ones that bounce you down, or else you die. But there's no clear distinction. They all look the same. At first, there's a pattern: up, down, up, down, down. That's real nice. So, it *** fools you into thinking that there's a pattern, and then it just throws you off. But trying to avoid those down springs is almost impossible. Oh my ***. *** this game. *** this *** piece of ***. Oh, man, I'm doing good—holy ***, I might actually make it— ***! Oh, boy. All right, well, that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up; I got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel; time to flick the *** switch; turn up the diarrhea dial; it's Bible games on CD-I! Yeah, we're living on the edge. More like living on a prayer! First, we have Moses: The Exodus. Honestly, there's not much to say. It's basically an educational tool with some games thrown in. First, there's Pyramid Pursuit. This is the main game. Basically, you're exploring a pyramid; it's a point and click game, but not a good one that actually makes you think. This one is a no-brainer. It flat-out explains what you're supposed to do. Go this way, go that way. The voices are the fuckest bologna *** you'll ever hear. [labored, robotic speaking] I'm an idol worshipped by many. [labored, robotic speaking] There's someone downstairs who worships me. What is it, a robot? But, let me give you a quick tour of the other stuff. First you have this animated story about Moses. [game narrator] Moses trusted God. [game narrator] He knew that, no matter what, God would take care of him. Then you have "Tell Me More", which is basically just more history lessons about the Bible. [Game narrator] In the time of Moses, a sacrifice might be an animal, like an ox. Then you have the Bible, which is just scripture from the Bible. Then you have the playroom. The first thing you'll notice is the sing-along. It's just a bunch of karaoke songs. [song plays] But, tell me. Why is "Moses and me" graffitied on a wall? Then there's a slider puzzle. Nothing to say about that. Then, there's the coloring book, and this is where things become really ***. It's kinda like Mario Paint, but really hard to control. Seriously, your pointer just jumps all over the place. And what the hell's going on here? Leprosy? That's nice. Then there's this connect the dots ***. If you miss the dot, you get this irritating voice. [game voice] Whoops! If you get the dot, you get the irritating voice. [game voice] Yippee! And it never *** stops. [Yippee and whoops repeat multiple times] Is that really necessary? Like, what are they, *** crazy? Well, anyway, that's about all there is to say about that. The other two games are the same deal. They all have the same puzzle games, sing-along, and all that. The only real difference is the main games. David and Goliath has this board game. [game voice] I am Goliath! [game narrator] You've landed on Goliath's square! That'll send him back! It doesn't make much sense because you never see the entire board, so you don't know where Goliath is. That's like if you were playing Monopoly and you put your face up to the game. You never know what's going on. The last game, Story of Samson, has a game called Riddler's Race. So was the Riddler in the Bible? I didn't know that. So, basically you're a harpist on your way to play the harp at Samson's wedding. But there's a bunch of people after you, and if they catch you, you have to answer a Bible riddle. Yep, that's it. [sound of goat bleating] All right, well, I think I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It's extremely rare, but all it is, is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So, I'm gonna draw the line right there. So, have a happy holidays and all that good ***. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good *** night. [title song repeats] He's playing some games, the worst he recalls He's gonna find out which ones suck the most balls The Angry Video Game Nerd is here