Bad Teacher S1E6 - English Transcript

1 It is a sad day here at Nixon Middle. As some of you may or may not know, - we lost dear old Mrs. Felix. - Aw. - We later found her, but she was dead. - Uh what? Dead set on leaving us for a better place. Better Place Charter School. Wait, I'm confused. Is she dead? Yes. She's dead to me. Oh. She was in charge of the yearbook, and she didn't finish it before she left. - Very unprofessional. - Well, remember when she gave notice, you did call her a dirty traitor. I later apologized. Told her to burn in the depths of hell and broke off her car antenna. Anyway, the final, final date to turn the yearbook into the publisher's is tomorrow or we don't get one at all. Aw, looks like no yearbook. Tears. There will be a yearbook this year. We sold lots of ads to businesses and, if we cancel it, we're gonna have to pay that money back. Which we cannot do, as that money has already been spent. (chuckling): That doesn't seem wise. What, now you're a financial wizard? What about your idea to invest in that ostrich racetrack? That is a real sport. I sent you a link. Okay I'm gonna need that link. Uh, we really need to find someone to take over - the yearbook. - I'll do it! I was yearbook chair all four years of high school, and then Of course you were a yearbook nerd. Thank you, Ginny. Uh, - you got the job. - Great. As yearbook chair, I will need a team. A task force, if you will. Anyone? CARL: The volunteer will receive Mrs. Felix's $25 bonus. $25? You can't even buy a bag of wee ee Oh, screw it. Weed. You can't even buy a bag of weed. The volunteer will also receive a free Botox treatment, care of Glaser Dermatology. - In! - Great, Meredith. Welcome aboard. Actually, I can do this alone. Ginny, two minds are better than one. Except for the Menendez brothers. Erik really needed Lyle to formulate that plan. Kim, write this down. Got to go out to the truck. MEREDITH: Screw it. Somebody wing me a nougat bar! I'll look the other way! This is stealing. Man, these people are animals. Yes, they are. (gasps) Heads up! (with mouth full): Um the educational system in urban settings is Every time? Nah, nah-nah, nah, nah, nah, nah Nah-nah, nah-nah I am a fascination I'm here to blow your mind I'll give 'em education Give me the wine and dine Hey! Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah Nah-nah, nah, nah-nah! You are late. We have tons of pictures to categorize and scan for the yearbook. And I hope that you are good with Photoshop because we have about ten nip slips to fix, all by you. I actually thought I'd just start off by putting my tootsies up and getting inside a nice bottle of cava. But just holler if you need anything. Just like high school. What? All the popular kids would sign up for yearbook for their college applications and then they would do absolutely nothing. - So selfish. - I was not doing nothing, okay? I was hanging out with the popular boys and, trust me, they did not think I was selfish. Ick. All right. You don't have to participate, but I will tell, and that means no cut of the $25 and no Botox. Fine. I'll help you. I just need to pee, grab a latte and have a smoke. Okay, Kim, I am not gonna beat around the bush is a phrase I never really understood the meaning of, so I'm just gonna say this straight out. You failed your teachers' exam. What? There must be some mistake. I asked my Magic 8 Ball if I was gonna pass and it said to ask again later. All right, Kim, you may be the best student teacher we've ever had here. And your bulletin board design skills are unrivaled. So I am gonna help you pass that exam. - But you're so busy. - I want to. There's a re-test tomorrow at 7:00 a.m. Now, if you are willing to dig in, I will cancel my Friday night plans and stay here with you all night. Oh, I don't want you to cancel your plans. I won't then. I'll see you after I give my roommate Ron a wash and perm. PILAF: All night long. (Chuckles) Whoa. You guys look kind of good. Who died? Uh, Pilaf's great-uncle died. - Oh, sorry. - So we're taking the coaches clubbing with my ballin' cousins. It's a tradition. We honor the fallen by hiring a limousine and paying a 600% markup on wine and spirits. So is, uh, Janet gonna be there? - I hope her going-out vest is clean. - Actually, - we're giving each other some space this weekend. - Oh, really? - Really. - So, you're just going to the club, on the prowl for some strange? What? No. I don't know. We're just hanging with some friends, you know? Throwing back some drinks at Bungalow. - In honor of Great-Uncle Pilaf. - What? You guys are going to Bungalow? What are you doing there? That's a nice place, like - an I-would-go-there nice place. - What? I go to nice places. - Uh - Uh, yeah, like Planet Hollywood, opening night, Fresno. I don't know if you guys peered out of the window recently. There is a limo. It's got balloons coming out of the sunroof. It's big enough to hold an enormous check. I think I finally won the Publisher's Clearing House million dollar sweepstakes! Uh, Carl, that's, that's, uh, our limo. Oh, man! - Sorry. - Hey, Meredith, - how's the yearbook coming? - Oh, so great! Ginny just sent me out to get more computer chips. Ah, delegating. Nice management. Boss Nehru. Oh! All right, well, our coaches' coach awaits. Wait, wait, wait, wait! What about me? I want to go to Bungalow with Pilaf's rich cuzzies and no Janet. Come on. Ginny's gonna let you leave? After a few attempts of me "trying to help" her, she will. I mean, I'm going to Bungalow. Pilaf's great-uncle would've wanted it that way. Actually, my uncle considered women his social lessers. Okay, I'll just wait in the limo. Give me two minutes. Okay. Uh, hey, Ginny. (sobbing) Seems like nothing's wrong. - Yeah, I'm fine! - Great. - So, my theory checks out. - Actually, I'm not. My boyfriend just called and broke up with me. Oh, my God, you have a boyfriend and I don't? We were on again, and then we were off again, and then a few months ago, I was just so fed up, and so I ended it. And then he begs me to take him back. And he makes all these promises. And so I did, and it was great. And then I thought he was the one. And now, out of the blue, he just called me and broke up with me! - I can't believe it. - I know! A boyfriend. And I'm single. It's, like, what world are we living in? - I mean, that sucks. He's a jerk. - Yeah. - So, how's the yearbook looking? - Oh, I can't even think about the yearbook now. Mm-hmm. But you'll totally be able to in, like, two minus, right? 'Cause there's so much riding on this: kids' memories, my line-free face. (Joel whistles) Hey. I just need three minutes. (Ginny moans) Five, ten, tops. (moans) A good hour. Just go. We have been over every subject, and I cannot find one weaknesses. You're gonna be out from under Ginny's thumb and running your own classroom in no time! My own classroom?! Wow! Guess who thinks you're ready for a practice test. Guess. I do! (Laughs) You failed. You failed really bad. What happened?! You knew this material. I guess I buckled under pressure. Guess I'm gonna be a student teacher forever. (sighs) Ok, well, uh, I'm just gonna get going on this yearbook. I guess I'm just gonna give everyone in, uh, Black History Club afros. Or, you know what? I should probably just give everyone in the yearbook afros. So, just stop me. Feel free to take over at any time if this isn't your vibe, so You know, I've been through breakups, Ginny, so I know exactly what you need. We are gonna write him a letter that you're never gonna send. Pen to paper, validate your stupid feelings. Dear Ian, I am so glad to be done with you because now I can focus on finishing this yearbook. Are you rich? If so, I have a super hot friend for you. Here you go. Okay, and now you can get on back to it. Hallelujah! Man, have we overcome. (sobbing): No, we haven't. Right, because you hate him and you have to get that hate out of your heart. You have to destroy something that he loves. What have you got? (fabric rips) Feels good, right? I guess so. Yeah, you go, girl! Spice World! Queen for a Day! (shredder stops) Okay, here's how you get back at him. You finish that yearbook! 'Cause if you don't finish that yearbook, he wins. I mean, it's just that obvious. You know, I have been racking my brain, and I realize the problem is your brain. You sound just like my pediatrician. Now, I realized that when it's just you and me studying in a friendly environment, you have total command of the material. But when the pressure's on, your brain freezes. So what your brain needs is a little antifreeze. I drank some of that as a kid. It was delicious. Kim! Wow, I see why Ginny does that. Let me help you. But how do we fix my head? I know a thing or two about mental blocks. I've been stuck on page seven of my novel for 23 years. You mark my words. You're gonna pass that test and Detective Carl Gaines is gonna find out who the real Frisco Slasher is. Hint: it's not who you think. You'd be surprised to know that Carl tried to make coleslaw with this very shredder. That doesn't surprise me at all. Turned out pretty good. That does surprise me. So many surprises. Hey, let's keep it moving, okay? This is a little tougher than I thought. But not nearly as bad as when the Shumaker kid laminated his ***. I'll be back. Thank you. Great. Let's get back to business, - buckle down and do this. - (Phone rings) Oh, sorry. I have to get this. It's just some It's my priest, so Hello, Joel. Hey, hey! The limo is on its way. This club is nuts! There's so many strobe lights. I've seen two people have seizures. One person had a seizure, and the ambulance came, and the lights made the other person have a seizure. Awesome. And Pilaf's cousins spent a grand on a two-foot bottle of ***. Joel-y! Come help me with the shots. Who's that? Is that Mr. Pilaf? Oh, no, it's just some girl's birthday. Her friends got her 21 shots. We're just helping her drink them. Joel! Come on! Wow. Sounds like that girl's really all over your I'll see you soon. ***. (soothing sitar music plays) Welcome to my relaxation dojo, which is just an old storage room, soothing music and a tapestry I threw over the third row seat of my brother's Suburban. Cool. What are we doing here? I'm gonna try and help you get over your fear of taking tests by using "vocal visualization." You visualize what you want, you say it out loud. So I just say everything I think? Yep. Take it away. Okay. I am picturing a map. Oh, it's my hometown. Yes There's the gazebo. And who could forget the Daverman *** house? - Um - Don't want to go there. Maybe just a peek. Oh, hey, Mr. Daverman. I thought you were condemned to death row. Sure, I'll take a tour of your cellar. Oh, boy. Nice. Um, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom. But, uh (laughs) - I'm definitely coming back. - Just go. I heard you on the phone, I know you don't want to be here. Maybe. I know you just pretended to care about me because you want me to finish the yearbook. I get it. (sighs) And where did we land on the Botox of it all? - You can have it. - (Phone buzzes) - My whole life just fell apart - - - and I have to start all over again, and I honestly have no idea how to do that. So I'm just gonna do the yearbook, 'cause at least that's one thing I know how to do. Look, it's gonna be hard - at first, but you'll - (phone buzzes) Just go. We both know you were never gonna help. Just go. Uh, okay, I'm gonna jump in here. Let's focus on a more positive, less terrifying scenario. Think about something you want to achieve. Like it's your first day as a teacher, in front of your own classroom. Nothing but your wits and a teacher's edition. I'm not sure. Okay, let me show you. It's a late summer afternoon. I walk into the kitchen and my cereal's not stale, because my roommate Ron remembered to put the top on the stay-fresh tub. And the landline rings. And it's Stanford, my alma mater. I have been chosen to give the commencement speech. And in the back of the auditorium, in sunglasses so wide they'll break your heart, stands Carla. And we stroll toward the quad, laughing and talking about her new beau who just got smushed by a garbage truck. TICO: Hey. - Fixed the shredder for Ginny. - Why? 'Cause you have nothing better to do - and you live here? - Yeah. That's it. Come on. She's having a tough day. You like Ginny? Okay. TICO: All fixed. That's the worst shredder blowout I've seen since Ms. Patchell's class hamster climbed in. Well, I appreciate your strong work ethic. Tried to fix the jersey, too, but no such luck. So what happened between you and this dude? Dude? No. This jersey's mine. Cool. He obviously didn't deserve you. Uh are we gonna talk about that? Talk about what? Why why are you back? I went to the club for, like, one second, but I was so obviously the hottest one there I just felt like I was taking attention away from everyone, so Well, there's a lot of work here to do, so did you come back to just stand there or are you actually gonna help? - Oh, I'm gonna help. - Good. You. MEREDITH: I feel like someone's choking me, and not in the fun way. GINNY: Is there anything to cover the rest of me? Ugh, I feel like Mrs. Doubtfire. I feel like a ***. - You look amazing! - You look amazing! Okay - Go get him, tiger. - (Ginny whimpers) Wait, what about the yearbook? Oh, Carl will get over it. Or you could do it. - Ugh - Come on. I've been around tons of yearbook nerds and you are just as smart as them. You really think I can do it? Didn't you ever secretly wish that you were one of us yearbook nerds? Nope. Not for a minute. But I'll try. Okay Good luck, hot stuff. Girls up, *** out. (knocking) You found me. Well, you didn't go very far. I can't help it, I love this school. Plus, I have night blindness and it is not safe for me to drive. Kim, what is going on? Hard to say. I can't see. Kim! Sorry. Every time you mentioned me in a classroom without Ginny, it made me want to climb out a window. Fool me once, Kim. But I'm scared! What if I'm not a good teacher? If I don't pass the test, then I'll never have to leave Ginny and we'll never find out. I want to show you something. Joel. Hi. Yeah, I missed the limo. But do you know what or where a Photoshop is or may be located? JOEL: Uh, isn't that above your pay grade? (gasps) What? We got kicked out. Pilaf got so amped he started dancing on our table. He fell through, glass everywhere. Every time I hear Sir Mix-a-Lot, I get really angry. - But in a fun way. - Holla. So we brought the party here. What do you say we ditch yearbook and fish this foot of ***? What do you say we ditch that *** and finish the yearbook? Wait a minute. You look different. Where are your ***? This is it. The Hall of Principals. Nixon's finest. I thought it was a myth. Curtis Boone. Spearheaded the Get Up and Go Young Readers Program. Al "Teriyaki" Windsor. Introduced the free lunches for impoverished students and Hawaiians. Rune Mayweather. Brought back corporal punishment. Resigned in disgrace. There she is my mentor and my predecessor, Martha Pyle. Rune? Man or woman? I can't tell from the name or the picture. Kim, stay with me, please. You know, I started as an English teacher. That's all I ever wanted to be. But Martha, she saw a lot more in me. And she pushed me. It smells kind of bad in here. I was offered the job of principal three times before I accepted. Why? Because I was scared. You were? But taking that leap was the best thing I ever did. Oh, you know what? I think I finally get it. Hey, let's go pass that test. Yeah. Wow. These are really good. The sketches or the Chewy Chews? - The sketches and the Chewy Chews. - Mmm. Especially this sketch of a box of Chewy Chews. I draw what I like. (snoring) So did you strike out with all those 21-year-olds? (scoffs) Wouldn't you like that? Actually, yeah, I struck out pretty hard. Oh, my God. - We're done. - Yes - I did it! - Okay, yearbook nerd. Whatever, dumb jock. (laughs) I I I really, really want to, I just I shouldn't. Because I'm still kind of with Janet. I'm sorry. (sighs) Tease. Shut up. Thanks. Congratulations, Kim, you passed. I did? Oh, wow! (laughs) Oh. I guess it's all real, then. I'm gonna have to move on. Well, I just checked. Now, there's a small waiting list for a teacher's position, but something should be opening up in about four years. So, can I stay on as a student teacher under Ginny until then? We would be honored to have you. Thank you. Thank you so much. (laughing) What's going on here? - Yearbook, son. - (whoops) Now I get excited every day Ooh ooh ooh oo-oo-oo-ooh Weird stuff happens here on the weekends. Good morning might be boring But my soul's soaring Now I get excited every day Ooh ooh ooh oo-oo-oo-ooh I get excited every day. The yearbook just came in. - Everybody circle up. - All right. - (quiet whoops) - That's exciting. Ooh All right. Here it Whoa, wait a minute. "My yearbook"? What the ? GINNY: "But mostly Ms. Davis"? CARL: Oh, now she's Spike Lee? KIM: Here we go. ALL: What? JOEL: Okay, those are thumbnails. GINNY: Ugh. CARL: Maybe it gets better. Uh-oh. It's all Meredith. KIM: Oh, I like it. GINNY (gasps): More Meredith! Ew. KIM: She looks pretty there. JOEL: What? CARL: We're going to have to redo this. MEREDITH: So Nailed it, right?