Will and Grace S5E23 - English Transcript

I still can't believe Stan's gone And I must say, it was a beautiful funeral It was, and it really got me thinking We were the best looking ones there I know. I mean, we were, like the reason it was beautiful So, how about Stan leaving us all that money? Twenty thousand dollars! Yeah. To plan our wedding I still have no idea why he thought we were a couple Is that your third glass of wine? Are you counting? Well, Ro-Ro It may not be the happiest of occasions butwe're home again Now you can put your velvet paintings and fajita pans back in the hole under the stairs Excuse me. I'm gonna make you a peanut butter and poison sandwich Man, Karen knows a lot of celebrities I just walked in on Deborah Harry in the bathroom She's very comfortable with herself She didn't jump off the toilet yelling "Someone's in here!" She just kept on peeing I was in the bedroom and I saw Al Sharpton and Joe Torre hocking loogies out the window Sweetie, I am so excited about going to Guatemala with you I'm a doctor without borders Technically, you're not a doctor Hey, I got a "B" in high school biology Down there, I'm a doctor Karen, I am so sorry for your loss Thank you for saying that, Debbie Harry You know, Stan always loved your music He used to chase me around the bedroom saying "I'm gonna getcha, getcha getcha, getcha. " What happened between us? How come you never come around anymore? Oh, you ran out of weed Excuse me, I hate to bother you but in college I was so into you I used to love that one song Gonna use my arms, gonna use my legs That wasn't me That was The Pretenders Oh,Are they here? Well, well, I've never seen trash take itself out Stuff it, you bitter witch Just getting the rest of my things before they start to reek of *** and anti-growth hormone Well, then, you won't mind if I take a look in that suitcase Up yours! I may be a gold digger a stripper and a *** nine arrests no convictions But I am no thief I admire your principles Almost as much as I admire my diamond ring in your hand. Give it up And? And And Wow, impressive Had we met years ago and under different circumstances this might have been hello instead of good-bye I'll be leaving now But I won't be leaving quickly. And why? Because I have a diamond tiara up my bum Okay, so just break down the trip for me in terms of wardrobe How many dresses, how many skirt suits Well, let's see. We've got the Earthquake Restoration Ball the Vaccination Cotillion and of course the opening night Refugee Fun Run So Two dresses and a romper Grace, you do know that this trip's gonna be kind of rough Marriott rough or Holiday Inn rough? I don't care I just want to be with you I'd sleep on the floor and share a bathroom to be with you Sweetie, where we're going the floor is the bathroom You know what, Jack? Stan wanted us to spend that money together So what do you say we just blow it all on some great vacation? You know, like London. Ooh! Ooh! There's these Sherlock Holmes tours where you retrace his footstep as he solves one of his crimes I've been dying to do that Is it the Case of the Boring ***? 'Cause I think I just solved it Well, swell party My stepson's no longer a *** Thanks, Debbie Harry! It was a lovely reception, Karen I was especially moved by the Taco Bell fly-over Well, thank you, Lars You know, you kids can go if you want to I've got a lot to do before the yacht leaves for St. Barts in the morning Why are you going to St. Barts? Oh, oh, visiting "friends"? No, Stan wanted his ashes scattered in the Caribbean off the back of his yacht It's going to feel very empty there without him Of course, any place would feel empty without Stan He took up a lot of room The Caribbean Do you want some company? Will, we are supposed to be planning a fabulous vacation How are we going to do that if we're stuck on a fully staffed for the Caribbean? Jack, it's a free ride to a French island We take the money Stan left us we convert our dollars into francs and then our francs into Steves Somebody got in the brain line twice And somebody never got in it at all Karen. We, uh, we could join you Oh, I'd love it if you girls would come with me Hey, did you know there's a jacuzzi onboard? A jacuzzi?! I love bubbles! Wow, fun! There gonna be some spa-like things where we're going? Well, the whole country's pretty much like a steam room Oh, and Chef will be there with his famous morning cr?e station -Cr?es! -I love folded foods! Yu-um! We'll have nice meals, right? Depends if the food drop came that week And the shopping. All of the stores on St. Barts are duty-free -Yay! -Duty free! Lotta doody Gracie, honey why don't you come with? I can't I have to help people You go have fun in your jacuzzi and your cr?es, and your shopping I'll be fine sleeping in my own filth and waiting for food to drop down from the sky Hey, sweetie. Come on why don't you go? What? Really? Yeah, I mean-- I love you but let's face it The thought of you doing something selfless is a joke I love that you get me Hey, guys we're going on a cruise! -Dr. Markus? -Yes? Uh, there's a Dr. Morty here to see you Great. Tell Dani to come in Oh, suddenly, I work for you too Karen, I'm really sorry to do this here but this trip came about so fast they had to get my paperwork started so Dani offered to come and bring it by for me Oh, good! I finally get to meet the famous Dr. Morty Leo's going to Guatemala with him -Her -Huh? Hi, I'm so sorry to intrude Leo, your papers Thank you. Dani, this is Will and Jack, Karen, Rosario Hi/Hi Nice to meet you Helloo? This is my wife, Grace Oh, Leo never mentioned he was married Oh, I'm just kidding I'm just kidding He talks about you all the time! All the women at the hospital they hate you And one of the male nurses Yeah, he mentioned you too Although when he said "Dr. Morty," I pictured an old blotchy Jew who kept saying, "You call this dinner?" You've met my father I better get going It was great meeting you Hey, I'll walk you out Bye/ Bye, now Take care/Bye She seems nice You must be dying! Aren't you dying?! Your husband is going to Guatemala with that! I would die! I know! That bod! She could be in a Whitesnake video! Just! die! That is some lucky flesh-eating virus that gets her What is she a doctor of? Foxology? -Die! Die! Die! -Okay! I get it! She's gorgeous and she saves lives, big whoop I look good sometimes And I let people cut in front of me in line at the supermarket Well, I haven't but I've thought of it Come on, Gracie You have nothing to worry about I know that! I'm very secure in my relationship I love my husband and I know that he loves me I would die! I'm glad you all could be here I spent a lot of time with Stanley on this boat Not with him, I'd be with the crew on the opposite side to keep us from tipping Closure is important Like, you know I didn't watch "Dawson's Creek" this season And now, all of a sudden it's gone. And, uh I never got a chance to say good-bye It was a lot easier for me I had like, eight of my "Creek" buddies over We cried, we shared, we baked It was healing And now looking back on it, embarrassing Here are the ashes Wow! Is that all Stan? No, there's another can in the limo They put him in a popcorn can? Isn't that a little unseemly? No more so than the cremation It took four days and used so much power that all of Bergen County lost their air conditioning Mrs. Walker? We're just about ready to shove off Thanks, Driver That's the captain?! That's your limo driver! Yeah, drive a boat, drive a car drive a plane As long as I'm drunk what's the difference? Well, I should probably get going Our plane takes off in a couple of hours - "Our" plane? - Yeah, me and Dani You're flying together? Yeah, we're going to the same place. Why? No, nothing It's just that you never mentioned it It's an interesting omission on your part The way you omitted that it's interesting to me Are you okay? I'm good. I'm good It'll be fun flying together And lucky for you, if you have to make a water landing she has those huge flotation devices attached to her chest Tell me, do they light up? Hmm, it's cute when boring people fight But come on let's say we get out of here I'll show you around We'll start on the port side and work our way around to the whiskey side She really was hot though, wasn't she? I would die! Grace, you're being silly Danielle's a friend I've known her for years Besides, she's not even my type Please, she's everyone's type I'd do her All right, l-l-let me just picture that for a minute Oh Oh, wow Stop Would you take this seriously? No! Because nothing's gonna happen Look, when we got married I took a vow for better, for worse There were some other things in there I wasn't quite following because I could see your thong through your dress. I love you You're right. You're right I'm crazy Go. Save the world heal the sick and just don't forget to get me a present And a real present this time Not one of those native crafts like you brought me from Africa I want something that comes from a real store with a real receipt How 'bout I just give you some cash when I get home? That'll work too Bye You know what I realize being here in this beautiful place with the sun shining down on us? How lucky we are? No how oddly distributed your body hair is It's all patchy here but your legs are like an ape It's as if all the hair is fleeing from the top and settling somewhere near the bottom I wouldn't talk. Look at you Your arms and legs are all spindly but your belly's bloated and pasty It's like you walked out of the spaceship at the end of Close Encounters Put some lotion on me, doll Sure, babe What? I see what you're up to You planned this whole thing What are you talking about? This! The boat, the sun, the lotion Getting me to take my blouse off It was all a clever ruse on your part to get with me Well, you caught me, Jack It was all part of my master plan First, I arranged to have Stan die so I could have him cremated and thrown from this boat where I persuaded the sun to shine so I could lure you on deck and rub lotion on your creamy Hey, lovers, I hate to interrupt the honeymoon but we're just about to scatter Stan's ashes And, Will, there are three things I want to tell you One--I really appreciate your being here What are the other two? Oh, when you sit like that I can see your man berries What are you wearing? Why aren't you dressed? What? We're on a boat We're scattering the ashes of a dead man and you're dressed for Salma Hayek's pool party I don't think Karen really cares what I'm wearing It's the fact that I'm here that counts Well, if everybody's ready we should get started I wouldn't want Grace to be late to the MTV beach house I didn't know! How did everyone else know? Because we know how to act in these situations And because Will dressed me Thank you all for being here today This was one of Stan's favorite spots He spent many an afternoon doing cannonballs off of the side of this boat He destroyed an entire ecosystem and created that small chain of islands Oh, Stanley I'd give anything to be with you again One more dance, one more kiss One more night in our box at the opera giggling at the frightened faces of the people sitting below us But I guess that's never going to happenagain Listen, guys I'm sorry I think I need to do this by myself Would that be okay? Sure, Kare. We'll go open a bottle of champagne and drink a toast to Stan's memory Grace, maybe you want to slip into a coconut bikini Yeah, speaking of coconuts how 'bout a longer bathing suit? I've been going like this all morning You can go too, Ro-Ro I'll be inside if you need me I don't know what I'm gonna do without ya, Stanley I don't know what I'm gonna do without him, either Wh--? How the hell did you get here Dame Judi ***? I made a deal with your driver He promised to let me stowaway in his cabin if I'd let him stowaway in my capri pants Good Lord. How many men are we going to share? Get the hell outta here! Look, I just came here to say one last good-bye to Stanley And to give him this Oh, my God. It's, it's Stanley's favorite toupee I knew he couldn't rest in peace without his piece His mother gave him this for his sweet 16 Thank you. I know that he would have wanted to have this Perhaps in the next world they can convince him to wash it Oh, God, I'm gonna miss him Me too Would you like to-- No, that's okay You do it You get some air under that thing it really moves I love this CD! I know! Debbie Harry gave it to me at Stan's funeral Well, I took it out of her purse after she passed out Ah, the sea life. Isn't it romantic? I wish we both had dates Or if only one of us could have a date I wish it was me What's the matter Grace? You okay? I was just thinking about what a shmuck I was Leo's not gonna cheat on me I mean, look at me I'm a freakin' bombshell Yes, I believe it was Rita Hayworth who said "a woman is only as beautiful as the amount of food she keeps in her teeth. " I am a bombshell I'm gonna go visit the poop deck if you know what I mean This place is dead What should we do? I believe there's a new gay bar that just opened up right over there Let's go I like holding your hand It's almost as soft as Stanley's He would've liked to see us holding hands And making love And taking a shower He did like his *** You know, for a scheming, husband-stealing skanky ***, you're good people Listen, I know you've kind of fallen on hard times since Stanley left you nothing in his will Is there anything I can do for ya? Well, you can start by giving me some of that bloody money Good one! I'm not kidding Huh?/ What? Forget it!/ Why not? Well for starters, I don't know how you'd even begin to divvy up something like $985 million dollars Listen, you drunken sea hag I spent the better part of a year with that man Tell him what his feet look like Tell him what his knees look like I deserve something You deserve something. Hmm Well, how about I let you keep screwing my driver? Oh, and do me a favor, don't kill him We need to get home You know, Will, the ocean really suits you You're glowing, you look rugged You've really got your sea legs No, I am mistaken Those are almost "B" legs Well, thank you, Jack I like you on vacation You know, you put the "naughty" back in "nautical. " You're nautical by nature Ooh, oh! I love this song! Crocodile rocking is something shocking when your feet just can't keep still I never knew me a better time and I guess I never will Oh, lawdy mama those friday nights when Suzie wore her dresses tight And the crocodile rocking was out of sight Miss Karen! Mornin', Driver You're looking happy this morning Well, let's just say I had a good night last night Oh, that's loud Ma'am, I think your husband left his bag Oh, this is Leo's Thank you, Driver Shoot. Hope there's nothing in here that he needs "To Leo"? This looks private Leo, we're going to be spending a lot of time together in the next few weeks and I have to say something in this letter I could never say to you in person I want you OhmyGod You have to know that you can have me whenever, wherever And when that time comes know that I am going to Until you beg me to stop I can't wait. Love, Danielle that *** Driver, hang a right! We're going to guatemala! Jack? God, my head is killing me Oh, me too What is he saying? What does he want? You're foreign, Rosie, talk to him! I don't speak his language, you fool How are you? What did he say? He said, "How are you. " Oh. Well, tell him we're fine but we want to get off this floating cesspool A. S. A. P. ! I am afraid it is impossible We don't get paid unless we deliver our cargo I don't care! Turn this canoe around and get us to dry land! No! We must deliver all 300,000 cases of Stolichnaya As I was saying take as much time as you want! Rosie, swim back to the boat and get us some olives and a twist Just because we're stranded we don't have to drink like bums