Frasier S4E24 - English Transcript

FRASIER: Oh, Roz, listen, I managed to get some reservations to San Gennaro's tonight. Thought we'd go celebrate your birthday. Oh, that is so sweet, but I have a date with that waiter we met at lunch yesterday. - You're going out with that guy? - I didn't have enough for a tip. Keep in mind the service wasn't that good. The reservation won't go to waste. I can always take Niles. Niles? Again? You know, your entire social life consists of going out with your brother. Don't you think you're getting into kind of a rut? You're still young. You need to go out and get drunk, wake up in a stranger's bed, not even remember how you got there. In other words, exchange my rut for yours. Well, do what you want, but you know what, you could shake up your life every once in a while. Do something spur of the moment. Once, I finished work on a Friday and hopped a plane to Acapulco, and I didn't pack anything but my toothbrush. I dimly recall you calling in sick one Monday morning with a mariachi band in the background. - Well, I was sick. - Uh-huh. DAPHNE: Hey, Dr. Crane. - Daphne. I'm glad you're here. My zip's stuck. NILES: Well... ...good thing I got here when I did. Don't be afraid to grab hold and give it all you've got. Okay. Yeah, sometimes pulling it down a bit helps. Okay. Oh, dear. I've zipped my tie into your dress. - It won't come loose. - Oh, let me see. Well-- I'm sorry. - It is stuck, isn't it? - Yes, strange. Oh, maybe some liquid soap from the powder room will help loosen it up. Niles... ...there's something on your tie. Dr. Crane was helping me with my dress, and now he's caught. Yes, he is. - Here, allow me. NILES: Be careful. FRASIER: There. All right. Now. - There we go. - Thank you. Oh, what a relief. I was just about to step right out of this dress and embarrass poor Dr. Crane to death. Well, we all have to die of something. Oh, Niles, I managed to score some reservations tonight at San Gennaro. - You up for a little Italian? - Actually, I'm going out with Maris. So I guess you could say I'm up for a little Episcopalian. That's good. - Like some sherry? - Yes, thank you. So, it seems your counseling sessions must be going very well. They are. So tonight we thought it would be a kick to recreate our very first date. That's sweet. NILES: Hey, Dad. In fact, that day, my car was in the shop, so I'm here to borrow Dad's car just like I did back then. Just saying that makes me feel so young. "Gee, Dad, can I borrow the car?" You did that twice on the phone, and I didn't find it cute then. - Here you go. - Thank you. I just can't picture Maris in Dad's '82 Impala. Neither could she at first. I'll never forget the look of wonder on her face - at touching vinyl for the first time. - Ah. She said it made her feel cheap and dirty. And she liked it. - I was her first bad boy. FRASIER: Uh-huh. Yes, I remember the way you used to carry her inhaler around rolled up in the sleeve of your T-shirt. Well, how about you two? You guys wanna join me for dinner tonight? Oh, sorry. Sherry's cooking me dinner tonight. And I have a date with Greg. - Greg? I don't believe I've met him yet. - I have. He's gorgeous. Well, he is. Certainly the best-looking man I've ever been out with. Of course, he doesn't have a thought in that pretty little head of his. Oh, this could be the one. Well, you know, maybe I can have Sherry cook for me some other time. Oh, no need to put yourself out on my account, Dad. Oh, Dad, did you happen to check this message? No, I don't touch that thing. LAURA: Hi, it's Laura. We're getting an extra day of rehearsal, so I'm coming in tonight instead of tomorrow. American, flight 11, 10:30. Can't wait. - Bye. - Great news. - Laura's in town. - Who's Laura? Stranger who called my machine by mistake. Here it is, table for two, Dr. Frasier Crane. - From the radio, yes? - Yes, yes. Oh, you know, actually my date cancelled, so it'll just be me. I see, sir. Table for one. Well, there is no need to lower your voice. I'm not ashamed to dine alone. Perhaps, as a man of some celebrity, I can serve as a symbol to others who might otherwise be afraid to do so. I mean, really, in some cases it's actually preferable to sit and dine alone rather than listen to someone too much in love with his own voice prattle on endlessly. Well, you've convinced me, sir. I'll see if your table's ready. Dr. Crane, your table for one is ready. Listen, is it possible for me... ...to have a table elsewhere? I mean, I feel just a bit conspicuous right here. I'm very sorry, sir, but they're all reserved. But don't worry, most of our patrons only have eyes for each other. Very well. - I'm so sorry, sir. - It's perfectly all right. Just because I'm alone doesn't mean I'm lonely. Perhaps I could have a glass of your house cabernet. Very good, sir. JOHNNY: Hi. Hello. What's your name? Johnny. How come nobody's sitting with you? Well, that's a bit... ...complicated, Johnny. My mom and dad said it's okay if you come sit with us. Well, that's a very, very sweet offer. Look, I know it's hard for a young boy to understand, but, you know, really there's nothing wrong with someone eating by himself. You know, one time I was really bad at school, and the teacher made me eat lunch all by myself. Oh, I'll bet that gave you an opportunity to think about your actions, didn't it? No, I just cried. Run along, Johnny. - Your glass of cabernet, sir. - Oh, thank you. Oh, and I see your candle has gone out. - Enrico! - Please, stop, stop, stop. Tonight, I prefer to just dine in the shadows, thank you. [WOMAN MOANING] Excuse me. Are you here by yourself? As a matter of fact, I am, yes. I was hoping you'd say that. - Would you mind if I--? - Oh, good Lord, yes. I've been sitting here actually hoping someone would... ...make good use of that chair. Thank you. [SCREAMS] Oh, God! Yes! Oh, of course I'll marry you! Sorry for the commotion, folks. Oh, gosh, is that our fault? Listen, let me pay for the dry cleaning. FRASIER: Not to worry. Not to worry. - Congratulations, you two. Here's to young love. Well, as long as we're all sharing good news, my wife just told me that we're having twins. Now that I've already interrupted all of your meals, I'd just like to share my joy with everyone here. To Amanda, my future bride. I will love you every day of my life. And I hope that when we die, it's at the exact same moment so that neither one of us will ever have to spend even one second alone again. Oh. Hi. Johnny said I could eat with you. Hey, Fras, how was your dinner? Not since Quasimodo strolled the streets of medieval Paris have so many people uttered the phrase, "That poor man." I'm sure it wasn't as bad as all that. Oh. Oh, dear. The highlight of the evening came when the entire staff of waiters delivered the birthday cake that I had ordered for Roz and neglected to cancel. They sang to me. It's not your birthday. Staying right up with the story as usual, Dad. Anyway, after dinner I took a long stroll. It suddenly struck me: I'm single. You know, I had gotten accustomed to thinking of myself as recently divorced, but that was five years ago. I'm 43, and I'm alone. Hey. I got something that'll cheer you up. I brought you some of Sherry's mock apple pie. It's called mock because they use crackers instead of apples. [DOORBELL RINGS] Oh, good. Nothing spoils an apple pie like apples. - Oh, Niles. - Frasier. Oh, what happened? Oh, no, let me guess. Robust color, fruity bouquet. I'd say that's an amusing little merlot. - Cabernet. - Well, it's still amusing. So did you and Mrs. Crane enjoy recreating your first date? Oh, yes. My Maris remembered details that I'd forgotten. For example, when I brought her home after the restaurant, we took a stroll around the grounds. Suddenly, Marta appeared on the balcony playing the part of Maris' late father. She was liquored up on Rob Roys, and firing Swedish meatballs at me from an antique blunderbuss. Dad, am I the only one in this household that checks this machine? LAURA: Hi, Molly. Laura again. Again. Is that Tom on the machine? He sounds nice. Anyway, I just called to remind you I'll have my cello with me. Translation, you might wanna clean out your car this time to make room. I know, toujours la grande sœur. Anyway, I can't wait to see you guys. I've been on my own way too much lately. See you at 10:30, flight 11. Love you. Bye. It's too bad there's no way to call her back. She's gonna be stranded at the airport. Oh, don't worry. She'll take a cab. You know, that happens a lot, people leaving wrong messages. After hearing a stranger's voice like that, it always starts me wondering what they must be like. You can't judge what a person's like just from a voice. That's true. I was once told that I sounded, imagine the impertinence, uptight. And me, you'd picture some cranky old geezer. I've lost track of what point we're making. Well, she sounds to me like a very interesting woman. - Intelligent. - She speaks French. Yeah. I always loved the name Laura. MARTIN: You know, that was gonna be your name if you were a girl. - Really? MARTIN: Yeah. Your mother always wanted Priscilla, but I never like the nickname Prissy. I never much cared for it either. DAPHNE: You know, Dr. Crane, this Laura sounds like she might just be a perfect match for you. If you left now, you could meet that plane. FRASIER: Honestly, Daphne. A couple of phone calls, you're fixing us up. Well, think about it. She plays the cello. You'd like that. - She appreciates neatness. - Yeah. She expresses affection easily. That's good. Well, pardon me for growing a little, okay? She did mention being on her own too much, so we know she's available. It's fun to speculate, but, come on, you can't seriously be suggesting-- DAPHNE: Well, why not? I can't imagine a more exciting way to meet. The woman of your dreams steps off a plane and there you are to rescue her. Oh, yeah, you can't beat meeting somebody in a romantic way. That's the way it was with me and your mom. You met Mother over the chalk outline of a *** victim. So? It was romantic to us. Every wonder why on our anniversary she'd make those gingerbread cookies with the legs kind of bent and the head kind of crooked? We thought they were dancing. I met a boy in a cute way once. I was 18 and visiting Stonehenge. This dashing young man came up to me and told me he was an actual descendant of the Druids. Boy, is that the one place that line would work. I met someone once flying home from college. I got bumped into first class, found myself sitting next to a positively ravishing woman. She was older, and I was trying desperately to be suave, so when she leaned over and suggested we join the mile high club, rather than admit I was unfamiliar with the term, I whispered back, "I really don't travel enough to make that worthwhile." God, that was 20 years ago. No. Still can't laugh about it. LAURA: Hi, Molly. Laura again. Is that Tom on the machine? He sounds nice. Anyway-- She liked the sound of my voice. She's called me twice today. That's already the best relationship I've had this year. So are you going? Maybe. Oh, I don't know. There's nothing worse than when you look back on a missed opportunity. - What the hell. - Oh, this is so exciting. FRASIER: I can't believe I'm doing this. - Before you go-- FRASIER: Stop right there. Don't say another word to me. I won't do anything this impulsive if I over think it. Just let me get the hell out of here before I change my mind. But not before I change my shirt. LAURA: Thanks for all your help. I can take it from here. - Laura? Looking for Molly? - Yes, I am. - Molly sent a driver? - Oh, no, no. I'm not a driver. I'm a psychiatrist. I'm here to help you. - Molly's having me committed? - No, no. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. - Oh, from the radio. - Yes. - You know me? - Yes, I've heard your show. It's great. But your knowing me is just weird. Actually, you left a couple of messages on my machine today by mistake. Oh, no. I must've gotten my sister's new number wrong. Well, I didn't want you waiting around for someone who wasn't coming. So you came all the way down here? What are you, like, the nicest guy in the world? Yes, yes, I am. Well, speaking of nice, I would be delighted to drive you to your sister's home. Oh, no, no, no, I'll take a cab. - Are you sure? It's no trouble at all. - She lives an hour away. But, listen, could I buy you a drink just to say thank you? Well, yes, I'd love that. May I take your cello? I checked my cello. This is my purse. I think that's funny. Why doesn't anybody laugh at that? That is funny. Allow me. So are you with an orchestra? With a chamber music group, actually. We're based in L.A., but we travel quite a bit. I grew up here, so it's always nice to come back. I miss it. So, what'll you have? I think I'll have a glass of sherry. Two. Not that you can expect that much from airport-bar sherry. Oh, goodness, don't I sound like the perfect snob? Yes. I mean... I agree with you about the sherry. So... ...why did you choose the cello? When I was around 11, my father took me to the symphony. And this sounds a little silly, but when I heard the cello, it sounded sad, like it needed me. That's not silly. That's lovely. I was always an odd kid. All my girlfriends had posters of David Cassidy. I had Pablo Casals. I had Sigmund Freud. But did you kiss him before you went to bed? Well, I was tempted to... ...but he just would've read too much into it. Oh, here, thank you. I don't believe I've ever shared a drink with a psychiatrist. I'm worried that you must be analyzing me. Well, if I am, my diagnosis so far is that I... I can't find a single thing wrong with you. - Actually, it's quite good. - Yes. My second pleasant surprise this evening. Frasier, maybe I'm misreading you here, but I'm married. Oh. See, I don't know why I jumped to the conclusion that you were single. Wasn't there something in your message about having been on your own too much lately? - Oh, I've been away on tour. - Oh. Well, I guess by now you've probably figured out that my coming down here wasn't entirely the act of a Good Samaritan. More like a lonely Samaritan. I guess that makes me seem sort of desperate. No, I think it makes you seem sort of romantic. I used to do things like this when I was single. It was fun. Clearly you were better at being single than I am. Oh, come on. Let me ask you a question. How did you feel coming down here? I felt... ...completely exhilarated. In fact, it's the most fun I've had in recent memory. Exactly. The anticipation. The excitement. The hope. Marriage is the death of all that. I hope you didn't write your own vows. I'm not down on marriage. It's just marriage can be great, but so can not being married. I suppose. Well, you're, you're smart, lovely, talented, able to look at the bright side of things. I'm getting more disappointed by the moment. I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted. Oh, don't be. Look, I really did have fun. You know, it's not very often that I do something impulsive. Well, maybe you should. Well, I really should be going. Oh, no, here, allow me. Allow me. I'm the nicest guy in the world, remember? I'll remember. Here we are. This is probably a ridiculous thing to say, but if I weren't married... No, you don't have to finish that, but thank you very much for starting it. Okay. Oh. Let me get that. Excuse us. If you ever think back on this, could you just--? - I'll just edit that part out. - Thank you. Excuse me, did you just hear that gate-change announcement? No, no, I'm sorry. Perhaps they can help you at the counter. Oh, good idea. Thank you. Where are you headed? - Mexico. - Oh. How about you? Well, I'm just gonna finish up my sherry and then I'm off to... I'm going to Mexico. Really? Acapulco? This is uncanny. Come on. What hotel are you staying at? - Via Verde. - That's where I'm staying! You're scaring me. THANKS FOR CALLING