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Really, Bev? Thank you so much.
That is wonderful news.
"Wonderful news"?
The last time I said that
was when my pet gnus
learned the true meaning
of Christmas.
Classic Tracy
You'll miss this.
Anyway, that was one
of the adoption agencies
we're working with,
and they may have a kid
who's perfect for us.
He's a three-year-old boy
from Transylvania.
Stay with me.
His name is Dracul.
Hear me out.
He is a hemophiliac
with a sleep disorder.
Children change everything.
Right now
you can do what you want,
but once you have kids,
you have to be
on their schedule,
watch their cartoons,
and touch their poop.
Tracy, you still do
whatever you want.
That's right, I do.
But you don't.
So have fun while you can.
Be spontaneous.
You know, stop being yourself.
I'm spontaneous.
For instance,
I started talking
before I had an example
of how I'm spontaneous.
Nice haul, Mr. CEO.
Did you get my gift?
I assume it was
the bottle of wine
with the card,
reading, "dear doritos,
"what about just selling bags
full of your dust?
I could put it
on chicken or fish."
Obviously,
there was a mix-up.
I wrote you
a very heartfelt note
that said, "congratulations
on becoming CEO.
Do you know anyone
at Doritos?"
Well, I'm not CEO yet.
The board has
to rubber-stamp me.
There'll be a party for me
later this week.
Then I have to drive around
with my headlights off
until someone flashes me.
Then I have to
Well, it's not important.
In the meantime,
I'm tying up some loose ends.
I'm heading down to Florida
this afternoon
to take care
of my mother's estate.
Fittingly, she left everything
to her live-in nurse, Martha
The house I paid for,
the silver,
my grandfather's purple heart.
It's terrible what alcoholism
can do to the body.
She really didn't leave
you anything?
That's not very nice.
I loved my mother, Lemon
Obviously, because
of Stockholm syndrome.
But she was, on her best day,
a miserable old crone
whose only joy came
in sharing her unhappiness
with others,
even in death.
She is the only person
in the world
to have sarcastic last words.
"I just want you
to be 'happy'."
Mother, how I "miss" you.
Anyway, I thought you might like
to come to Florida with me.
I can get you a V.I.P. pass
to Universal's
Harry Potter world.
Okay, I am not some kind
of "nerdery" ***.
I like Star Wars.
Lemon, I'm not relishing
this trip.
It would be nice
to have someone with me.
- Are you coming or not?
- Yes. I am.
How's that for spontaneous
Florida on a work day?
To that store
that sells long-sleeve
S.P.F. shirts!
S07 Ep10 - Florida
Hey, I need somebody
to sign for this water.
No, you need a nobody
to sign for that water.
We're on TV.
Okay, then who's in charge?
Well, Liz,
but she's in Florida.
Or Pete, but he went
to a line producers' convention
in Albany.
I saw him pack a wig.
Tracy, does this mean
we're in charge?
Where do you want the water?
I'm sorry.
Where is Liz Lemon?
She's out of the office.
Is there anything
we could help you with?
We've got about
Ten minutes
before we've got to go
watch shopping.
Well, this does affect
the two of you.
I'm Martin Lutherking
from NBC's in-house counsel.
A former TGS employee
has filed a harassment lawsuit
against this production
and both of you individually.
Complainant is seeking damages
in the amount
of $50 million.
Hold my calls, giant bee.
I assume you know
this woman.
- Wassername!
- What's her name?
So these are the things
your mother wanted you to have.
The baby shoe she found
after that fire.
God, she loved looting.
Colleen was such
a lovely woman.
Thank you, Martha,
but you don't have to do that.
I mean, you knew Colleen.
And there's so much I miss
Her kindness, her laugh.
Her laugh, of course.
She was
the happiest person I ever met.
Sure.
Remind me of some
of the happy things
my mother would do.
You know,
tell jokes
And the pranks!
Her nickname here
was Mrs. Silly.
Tell me, Martha,
how long did you work
for my mother exactly?
I'm sorry.
What the hell was that?
She'll miss
Colleen's laughter?
That woman clearly didn't even
know my mother.
This is a scam.
She took advantage
of an old lady.
I saw this on Dateline.
Next, we'll be holding hands
in adjacent bathtubs.
Or maybe that was a Cialis
commercial it's all a blur.
I'm calling the police.
Thank you for calling
Florida emergency services.
If this is regarding
an anaconda in a crawl space,
press 1.
If a sinkhole full
of Indian bones has appeared
in your living room,
press 2.
If you want to know
why JAG wasn't on this week,
press 3.
If your shabbos goy
Why can't we just cut
this state adrift
and let it crash into Cuba?
We'll just solve this
ourselves, like that woman
on Dateline who tried to solve
her sister's ***,
then disappeared.
But we won't go scuba-diving
with the husband.
Lemon, when Martha
comes back,
I'll distract her
while you sneak around
and go through her things.
It's a caper!
Who's spontaneous now, Tracy?
Okay, start
from the beginning.
Well, the plaintiff's
deposition alleges that
No, further back.
What kind of dinosaur
was your grandfather?
The plaintiff alleges
that there is
a widespread culture
of depravity here at TGS
*** harassment, intimidation,
threats of violence.
Her deposition
is very gross.
I'm going to use this doll
to show you
what Tracy and Jenna
did to me.
No, no, no!
Yes.
She's lying like a rug.
"Rug" is an offensive term
for Persians that I made up.
We would never do that
to a page
Maybe that tall Asian one.
Yeah, Miranda.
Her hair is so thick
and black.
Please don't include me
in this.
Look, legal views this
as a frivolous lawsuit.
Hazel Wassername,
aka Richard Drench,
has a long history
of suing former employers.
So all we need is for everyone
who works at TGS
to sign this affidavit
saying that they
have never witnessed
or been party
to any inappropriate behavior.
I once played a lawyer
in a movie,
so I know all about winning
your son's love back
thanks to a magic camera.
Yes, movies are terrible.
Well, don't worry.
We'll get everyone to sign.
We really don't want this
to go to court
for a number of reasons.
You two could be personally
liable for any damages.
Hank Hooper hates any type
of negative publicity like this.
And I didn't super-duper finish
law school.
So
I'm sorry about that.
I just miss your mother
so much.
She was an angel
that fell from heaven.
Yes.
So was Lucifer.
Do you have a bathroom
I could use?
Down at the end
of the hall.
I may be in there a while
because I have
a gluten thing that turns
my business white.
Just go!
So, Martha, tell me
some more funny Colleen stories.
Colleen had
two night tables?
Kama sutra?
Who is "M"?
Shmesbians!
Where are my manners?
This is Florida.
Let me boil up a pot
of hot gatorade.
Is blue okay?
Jack, bedroom
Lies.
Martha's been telling me
Colleen loved children
and animals.
The only animal Colleen
ever bought me was a myna bird
who was later revealed to be
Colleen's personal spy.
I told that bird everything.
No, Jack,
it's not a scam.
I think Martha and Colleen
were together.
- Have you lost your mind?
- It's a thing.
Men die first,
and these older women are alone
and turn to each other
for companionship,
like my Aunt Linda
and her roommate, Jean.
But they weren't lesbians.
My God,
of course they were!
Lemon, listen to what
you're saying.
Colleen Donaghy was gay?
She stopped watching
the bruins
because Derek Sanderson's
mustache made him look,
"like he takes his sandwich
with a pickle."
They shared a bed, Jack
A sleep number bed,
set to two drastically different
firmness levels.
Only an insane person
would do that
if they were sleeping alone.
Insane!
Martha tricked Colleen
into thinking
she was her friend,
and of course two friends
can share a bed.
For example, Abraham Lincoln
and his roommate,
Joshua fry speed,
slept in the same bed together
until Joshua died from dancing
too long at a party.
The gatorade's on.
While we're waiting,
I DVR'd a documentary
about the woman who designed
all of pat summitt's blazers.
Kenneth, we have a sign affidavit
regarding this Hazel situation
from everyone on the TGS crew
except you.
Look, I get it.
I know how former lovers
can have a hold over you
long after they're gone.
In some ways,
I'm still pinned
under a passed-out
Harvey Weinstein,
and it's Thanksgiving.
But the truth is,
Hazel is gone, Ken Jennings,
and to prove it, we hid a camera
on a *** friend of ours
and asked him
to seduce Hazel.
Sloppy Rodney
Do you know him?
He has syphilis.
Hey, baby,
you want to get down?
Sloppy Rodney?
It's me, Richard Drench.
I remember that ***.
Please stop.
Hazel isn't the reason
I won't sign that affidavit.
The truth is, I have seen
a lot of inappropriate things
here at TGS,
and I don't want to lie
about it.
What's the big deal?
Lying is easy.
For example, there isn't
a hole in my pocket
I keep touching
my *** through.
See? Easy.
Not for me, sir.
I've lost a lot
this past year.
I went from being a page
to a janitor.
My girlfriend dumped me.
The only thing I have left
is my integrity.
Now, you both know
I would do anything for you.
But I want you to think
long and hard
before you ask me
to sign that affidavit,
because you'd be making me
give up who I am.
- Whatever. Sign it.
- Sign it.
I apologize.
We never had the need for
a second bedroom around here.
This is usually
where I store
my woodworking tools
and the pottery I make.
What's the problem, Lemon?
They're just lumpy flowers.
Now, I don't know who usually
sleeps on which side,
so I put
a strawberry calcium chew
on both night tables
for you, Liz.
We're coworkers,
Ms. Edwards.
We're not
No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I just assumed
That's quite all right.
A lot of people are making
wild assumptions today.
Our relationship
is purely platonic,
if Plato had an elderly,
shut-in aunt.
You know what
Plato did have?
A gay relationship
with Socrates.
Lemon, the only way
you're like Socrates
is you have the body hair
of a Greek man.
Are you sure
you aren't married?
'Cause this seems
pretty married.
Siri, find me
the nearest hotel.
Finding hookers.
Is that right?
You don't want
to go out.
The Vietnam vets
are starting to retire,
and they get antsy at night
around all these palm trees.
No, that's all right.
We can sleep together,
because there's nothing weird
about two friends sharing a bed,
- right, Jack?
- Of course not.
Your pajamas have
a turtleneck.
They're from the L.L. Bean
maritime professional
collection.
So what way do you want
to totally normally
sleep together?
Face-to-face,
or butt-to-butt?
Careful
Old mattress.
It goes without saying,
Lemon,
that nothing will happen
in this bed tonight,
and I am referring,
of course, to your
Digestive failings.
I'd laugh,
but I'm trying not to do
the thing that
you just referred to.
Why didn't anything
ever happen between us?
Good God, Lemon.
If you're trying to conjure
my mother's ghost,
you could just shake
a jar of coins
while praising Jimmy Carter.
No, I'm not saying
I wanted something to happen.
But why didn't
something happen?
We've spent a lot
of time together.
We've been drunk together
and day-drunk together
and on the rebound
at the same time,
and also,
you're kind of a ***.
I did sleep with Jenna a lot
during season three.
If I were
a different person,
would you have hit on me?
I understand
what you're getting at, Lemon.
There was a particularly
youth-oriented priest
in my childhood parish who
went after everybody but me
Even fat Ralph,
and he ate his boogers.
I felt so unpretty.
No, this isn't
about appearance, Jack.
Did nothing ever happen
between us
because I'm not fun?
Good God, Lemon.
Obviously, our relationship,
however you define it
Mentor/mentee
Sister-ployee/work oracle
Is more interesting
than some dating scenario.
And obviously,
to ruin what we have
with a ***,
yet expert *** encounter
would've been a mistake.
Obviously, but is it
the kind of mistake
that I should have made?
Tracy told me
I haven't lived.
You're allowing Tracy
to criticize
your life choices
Tracy Jordan?
Now what?
But he's right.
I haven't done
anything impulsive ever.
I don't have any tattoos
or broken bones.
I've never been high,
except for that choir trip
to Montreal
where I accidentally ate
a pound of marijuana.
Also, maybe I was
never attracted to you
because you're the kind
of person who finds a way
to talk about herself while
lying in my dead mother's bed.
Okay.
Well, for the record,
it's mutual.
I wasn't exactly
chomping at the bit
to be with a middle-aged man
with crippling mommy issues.
First of all,
it's "champing" at the bit.
Horses champ.
And second of all, I'm not going
to fight in bed with a woman
I'm not even having sex with.
Why? Is it weird?
Of course it's weird.
- Lincoln was super gay.
- Thank you.
And I don't even want to think
about my mother.
And I know those pots
aren't flowers.
They're my mother's ***.
Jay-Mo, I like to flouring a
joke about bjork's swan dress
Tired.
I've seen dresses
that look fly,
but never dresses
that can fly.
I couldn't sleep at all
last night.
I've got this weird,
sick feeling in my stomach.
Me too.
It's the same feeling I got
in 1997
when that jury foreman
looked at me and said,
"guilty!"
And I had to close
my water park.
I forgot to make an opening
at the end of the slide.
Is that what this is
Guilt?
I don't think so.
I mean, what have we done
to feel guilty about?
We don't care that
we made Kenneth lie, right?
No! Come on!
It's Kenneth.
Although he has been acting
a little different
since yesterday.
What?
Did I miss a spot?
I don't care.
All I care about
is which jazz club
I'm going to tonight.
He's broken.
Good morning, Jack.
You sleep okay?
Colleen's myna bird told me
you spent the night in the car.
I slept fine.
Before you leave,
I wanted you to have this.
That was taken
at the wrap party
for our community center's
production of Grease.
Your mother was Sandy.
Well, the fourth Sandy.
The first three died
falling off the car
during "Summer lovin'."
I don't know the last time
I saw her so happy.
I'm glad she had you
to, take care of her.
Lemon?
Jack, you need to come
to Orlando and pick me up.
I'm in Harry Potter world jail.
Kenneth Parcell isn't signing
your precious affidavit.
That is a Christmas card
from my estranged daughter.
Tell him, Ken.
If you've ever experienced
anything inappropriate at work,
just tell the truth.
Well, sir
No, Kenneth, you have
something in your teeth.
I'm just trying
to lick it off.
Let me do it.
I'm your friend.
Want to see a ***
my cousin is in?
To close
a very important deal,
I'm going to need
to loan you to David Geffen
for the weekend.
Why do I even take
birth control pills
if I'm always gonna be alone?
You might as well
take them, Kenneth.
You take them!
Take them!
Now, for days
that weren't my birthday
Get me Philadelphia.
'Cause I wanted to sound cool,
okay, Tucker?
Fine, get me Gary Derekson.
Well, I did it.
I tried to live life,
and it sucked.
I came here without studying
the park map beforehand,
which is how I ended up
in a long line
that turned out to just be
a crowd of people
watching two owls have sex.
Then the park started
to fill up,
but, I'm being spontaneous,
so I tried to cut the line
for the flight
of the hippogriff,
which is when Duncan here
caught me.
What is the point, Jack?
I am who I am,
and I'm never gonna change.
I'll die full of regrets,
like that time I sat
next to Richard Grieco
on an airplane and just let him
read his Hustlers
without ever telling him
I was a fan.
Lemon, you're wrong.
People can change.
Maybe tomorrow,
maybe when you're 85,
you'll find a reason
to do something
totally out of character.
After all,
that's what Colleen did.
Not to make this
about me,
but are you admitting
that I was right
about your mother's
late-in-life ***-out?
I just can't believe it.
I know, and a woman
of color too good for her.
No, not that.
I can't believe she was happy.
She was Mrs. silly.
- Sketch idea.
- At the end,
when she said she just wanted me
to be happy,
I thought she was being
sarcastic,
because when I was growing up,
I thought people
who wanted to be happy
were weak
Hippies, Italians,
kindergarten teachers.
What am I supposed
to do with this?
I don't know
how to be happy.
What are you talking about?
That is enough
of your black Irish nonsense.
Of course you're happy.
It's never been
the goal, Lemon.
The goal has always been
money or prestige
or, when playing hockey,
the goal.
Jack, in an hour, you are
flying to New York City
on a private jet
to a party celebrating you
as Kabletown's next CEO.
It's everything
you've ever wanted.
And Colleen is looking down
on you right now,
and you're happier
than you've ever been.
Of course I am.
Hello, Beverly.
It's just Bev, Liz.
My mother died
while naming me.
Well, I do have an opportunity
for an immediate placement.
Really?
Okay.
There is one issue.
It's two children
A brother and a sister,
and we don't want
to split them up.
Two?
Boy, that wasn't our plan.
I know.
It's a lot to take on.
Why don't you discuss it
with that little action figure
you're married to?
No, no, we'll do it.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, we'll take them.
We'll take both kids.
There you are, Liz.
I'm on my way
up to see Jack,
but as long as I'm still CEO,
I want to say two things.
One, did you get a little sun?
You're glowing.
And two, because of the lawsuit
and the P.R. nightmare
and the den of sin
you've built here,
I have to go ahead
and cancel TGS.
Next Friday is
your last show.
Great news, Liz.
Kenneth doesn't have
different hair anymore.
Liz?
Liz?
I showed up
without a bra one day,
and I was viciously harassed
until I put on a shirt.
I once saw
Kenneth Parcell naked.
It was horrible.
His body is just
a smooth beige tube
with a head.
Frank Rossitano
was always trying
to give me ***
that I had given him
in the first place.
I mean, what a re-gifter.
There were these
two African-American giants
that were always
pressuring me
to join their book club.
Can have please a glass with water?
Thank you.
