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[Jingel starts]
[applause fades in]
Hello, thank you, thank you,
hello, welcome everyone, thank you, thank you.
Thank you, welcome everyone, hello, thank you.
A warm welcome to Bob's Shop.
I am Nancy and I am very happy that so many of you again are here in the studio and also watching from home today.
My Dears, give a warm welcome with me to our great, our unique and wonderful Boooooob!
[Jingle and big applause]
Hello Bob, great to have you here.
Oh!
Hello Nancy, how are you?
Oh Bob, I'm feeling great!
But what's going on with you? Why are you so exuberant today?
Well Nancy, we have something very special today. Something you don't even see at Bob's Shop every day.
And I can tell you right away: This - will - astonish - you!
Oh Bob, what's in there?
Not so fast! Nancy, not so fast. We will get to that later.
Ok.
Well Nancy, look: We all want to get rich, beautiful and famous, right?
Rich, beautiful and famous -- sounds great!
Right! And that's exactly why we're here today. We will talk about wealth, beauty and fame.
Ok!
And that's what we all want, right Nancy?
Oh yes Bob, who would pass that up?
Well, Nancy, there are an unlimited number of ways to get rich, beautiful and famous.
But it's hard to choose the right path to get there.
You could play the lottery, trade on the stock market, become a Hollywood actress, drill oil...
Or you could rob a bank, deal with drugs or sleep your way to the top.
But Bob, I would never do any of that.
I know Nancy, I know....
But Nancy, I'll tell you something now.
Our independent researchers at Bob's shop, have found a new and truly revolutionary way, ...
... to achieve all this simply and straightforward.
We have to use these!
(giggles) Our heads??
Right Nancy! The smarter we are, the faster we get rich, beautiful and famous.
Ohh Bob, how is that possible?
By attending college!
But Bob, weren't those the totally overcrowded places?
Forget about the old colleges! What we have to offer today is completely different.
But Bob, what do you mean?
Well, together with our independent researchers at Bob's shop, we have created something new and truly unique:
College-Deluxe!
[enthusiastic applause]
(laughs) With College-Deluxe we get rid of old-fashioned colleges.
Take a guess what I have with me in this briefcase!
Oh Bob, I have no idea... Books?
Much better, Nancy! Hold your breath!
Ohhhh!! [thrilled applause]
This is what you will earn. And even faster than you'd like to! (laughs)
What you see here, Nancy, is your ticket to everything you have always dreamed about.
That's absolutely crazy, Bob!
That's not even the whole story, Nancy!
Because we're Germans, we do it all the way. Look here.
Aha.
All those states already benefit from College-Deluxe. Quite a big area, Nancy.
Now do you think anyone would want to study here or here anymore?
(giggles) Definitely not Bob. Would you?
No way Nancy!
And I don't even have to tell you how this map will look a few years ahead.
It's our goal to enable College-Deluxe for everyone within Germany.
Look, we have prepared a short film for you.
[applause]
The cafeteria...
Without College-Deluxe, the system throws your individuality into the trash!
Endless waiting lines. Unfriendly staff.
A horrifying atmosphere. And the food... Downright disgusting!
But not with College-Deluxe!
You need good food to be able to study well.
Look at these changes!
Dining hall before and after College-Deluxe!
Here you enjoy perfect service and the best quality food,
Healthy menus made with organic ingre- dients.
Our future leaders deserve the best!
College-Deluxe doesn't stop at improving the cafeteria. Everything gets: Nicer! Bigger!! Better!!!
It lives up to its name: College-Deluxe!
Oh my God, this is simply incredible!
Who would even consider the old colleges any more?
How is this even possible?
Well, Nancy, we just help people invest in their future.
Our idea is groundbreaking and revolutionary!
Nancy, your college gets every single cent you pay -- guaranteed.
There is no better way to invest your money!
Invest in your personal advantage!
Unbelievable! But who can afford College-Deluxe?
That's the great news, Nancy!!
Can you guess the price of College-Deluxe here at Bob's shop, huh?
Ohh, I have no idea Bob. It must cost millions!
(laughs) That's what I thought at first, Nancy.
But you will be surprised! College-Deluxe is available starting at just 500 Euros!
Only 500 Euros a month? Incredible!
What do you think Nancy? It isn't 500 Euros a month, it's 500 Euro for the whole semester!
So it's actually 500 Euros for six months!
[gigantic applause]
That's absolutely incredible. We are going to bankrupt ourselves!
So little money for eternal wealth, beauty, and... ... what was the third again, Bob?
Fame, Nancy. Never-ending fame.
Fame, right.
Exactly, Nancy. And you know, we go all the way for you.
But we have no clue how much longer we can offer the discount price of 500 Euros.
So call us right now to book your own personal College-Deluxe!
But Bob, think about young people whose parents don't work as executives!
Can they manage to pay the 500 Euros?
I mean, you get a lot for what you pay for, but you have to finance the 500 Euros somehow.
There is one I prepared earlier!
Oh, now I'm curious, Bob!
I'll show you now that College-Deluxe is even cheaper than you expect.
Look Nancy -- students have other needs besides studying.
They have to eat....
They need clothes...
... and some books...
... and even renting an apartment is almost standard.
And Nancy, let's be honest.
As a student you surely should be able to smoke a cigarette
... and drink a beer once in a while.
(giggles)
This adds up quickly to a lot of money!
[sadness]
But don't worry, Nancy, we have a solution for this.
If you leave out a beer and cigarette each day...
... Guess how much you can save -- huh?
500 Euro?
Right, Nancy, 500 Euros!
Oh my God, that's exactly the price of College-Deluxe.
[enthusiastic applause]
But there are still students that can't take advantage of this solution!
And we're talking about a mere 500 Euros.
Oh dear, those poor folks. Is there anybody that could help them, Bob?
Of course, Nancy, we are not politicians (laughs).
We don't only think about lower class. We also care for the buttom of the lower class.
Children shouldn't suffer from parents that don't want to support them!
Nancy, the children are helpless to change this situation.
Everybody should have their own personal opportunity to benefit from College-Deluxe.
But Bob, how should this ever work?
Really easy, Nancy: We - pay - everything!
No!
Sure!
Incredible!
It is, Nancy! We're not bad.
If they are really that poor, need some compassion and really want to get rich, we will help them of course.
And when they have their executive jobs, and they're earning millions,...
... they can pay College-Deluxe including little interests from their pockets comfortably.
Oh Bob, now you're talking about interest rates.
But now let's look at some examples of people who have already profited from College-Deluxe!
[applause]
Hello! Could you believe that all of this just came by chance?
My Comedy Awards I won only because of College-Deluxe.
It guarantees wealth, beauty and eternal fame.
You don't believe me? See yourself!
(laughs) Of course it's obvious why I chose College-Deluxe.
My opinion: We finally got rid of all these academic slackers.
Riff-raff!
Now it's finally possible to be educated in an adequate manner.
Thanks to College-Deluxe!
I think, without College- Deluxe I would never be where I am now!
For example, just what I have here, in the marina, that huge piece...
... the three Skyscrapers and so on. When I start thinking about these diamonds, and these Rolex watches!
And our careers here, as Brunner & Brunner as well as Marshel and Alexander, it's all because of College-Deluxe!
Years ago I thought, one plane is fine, but now, thanks to College-Deluxe...
... somehow, there are five... six... Madness!
Yes! And I have one too.
Yes, you've got one too!
In the beginning I was really skeptical to go to college with a child to care for.
I mean, you really don't hear anything positive about it.
But then I heard of College-Deluxe. I tried it and I am completely thrilled!
I even have enough money left to afford a professional nanny.
And who could think of better child care, much better than a father at home.
And as our country needs more children, I've already thought about giving my child a sibling.
And with all the money I have still left over, it would be no problem at all. My dear baby, are you already looking forward having a sibling?
College-Deluxe is one of the best inventions ever.
Before College-Deluxe, I was small, unsuccessful, ugly and fat. And today?
Besides studying, it's the best you can do.
Of course you can hire people who learn for you.
Or even be absent from a lecture for you, if you want an easy time.
This is why I would recommend to everyone: Be smart and go to college, you do it for yourself!
You've seen it Nancy. And you can do it too.
All you need is your High School Diploma. And surely everyone has a High School Diploma!
A High School diploma? Oh, my God, I really do have that!
See, Nancy! It would be a pity if you would miss your chance with College-Deluxe, wouldn't it??
Right, Bob.
And as always our phone lines at Bob's shop are open now.
If you can't wait - like us here in the studio, dial our phone number right now, as seen on your TV screen.
By the way Bob, usually we have a few free extras.
Are there any surprises we can throw in with our already superior product College-Deluxe?
Of course, Nancy! Certainly we have prepared something very special for the first 500 new students.
And therefore we include not only just a beer... ... but also a cigarette for free. Every day!
No Bob, we really bankrupt ourselves!
But there is even more, Nancy.
We add an European-Xpress-platinum-card, golf equipment and the latest surgical guidebook.
Nancy, with College-Deluxe you will need these extras earlier than you can imagine.
[Jingle appears]
Oh Bob!
Oh Nancy, time passed quickly once again.
You were a great audience! Thanks also to our viewers at home.
We're looking forward welcoming you here again next week in:
BOB's SHOP!
[long lasting applause]
[swinging music appears]
Before College-Deluxe, success was never so easy and cheap to achieve.
And if you call us now, you won't get just a cigarette...
... but also a beer for free. And that's for the full six months - daily!
You will also receive, in addition to your daily beer and your daily cigarette, a brand new complete golf set for free.
Of course, this is not only the golf clubs, but everything you need in the shiny world of golf.
So you'll be able to lower your handicap, and make initial contacts to managers of your future work environment.
As one of the first 500 callers, you will also receive the latest surgeon's guidebook for free.
The complete guidebook also includes a list of certified experts honored with the golden scalpel. They're waiting anxiously for your call!
It could be for a birthday, as a surprise or just for fun...
One call, and you get your appointment right away.
And the best part is: When you call now, you will get your first cosmetic surgery for free.
But wait, there's more!
You'll receive your very own personal European-Xpress-Platinum card all thanks to Bob's shop!
Fulfill your dreams, European-Xpress-Platinum card will be your best companion -- thanks to College-Deluxe!
Of course your new piece of luxury is not available for everyone.
So we here at Bob's shop are especially proud to be able to offer the European-Xpress-Platinum card to our first 500 College-Deluxe students.
Whatever you want! Easy and convenient with your European-Xpress-Platinum card.
If you choose College-Deluxe now,
... you get this exclusive package and on top of that, your guarantee for a bright future without worries!
Don't miss this chance, call us immediately!
[swinging music fades out]
CAPTIONS: AllEyesMedia TRANSLATION: Sebastian Ullrich, Jeffrey Schmidt
