Porridge S3E6 - English Transcript

JUDGE: 'Norman Stanley Fletcher 'You have pleaded guilty to the charges and it is my duty to pass sentence. 'You are an habitual criminal who accepts arrest as an occupational hazard, 'and presumably accepts imprisonment in the same casual manner. 'We therefore commit you to the maximum term allowed. 'You will go to prison for 5 years. ' If you book your holiday now, it's ever so cheap. So me and Barbara, my friend, fancy Rimini. It's on the Adriatic. Your money goes further in Italy. That's cos the lira's as bad off as the pound. Or perhaps Por-to-fino. It's smart. I believe Rex Harrison goes there. So, the RIOT is set for Tuesday. We'll barricade ourselves in with a few screws as hostages. I KNEW he was earwigging. What!? Listening to every word! I was doing no such thing, Fletcher. Oh, yes you were, Mr Barrowclough. Well, we can't trust you lot not to pass contraband. Oh, contraband! Search this. There might be hashish in there! There's no need to adopt that attitude. Here you are. Now, just carry on. Where was I? Rimini or Portofino. Well, we was thinking of May Don't you think it's a bit tactless rabbiting on about foreign climes? I mean, you know You've passed the halfway mark, Dad. With parole, only just another year, just under. A mere bagatelle(!) Getting a bit rough? I'll survive. But every time I see you, I realise you've grown up a bit more. I grew up before you came in. You grew up too soon, you did. You seemed to bypass puberty. YOU bypassed my puberty by going into Maidstone. You had a 36D cup in Junior School. That's nature! Put 'em away. Put 'em away. I forewent my parental responsibilities towards you. Same with young Marion. Don't worry, Dad. Marion'll always end up on her own two feet. If she ever gets off her back(!) I didn't mean that to sound like it sounded. I mean she's lazy. She still work at Woolies? No, she don't need to. Her boyfriend Ricky's well-off. He's got three cars. He gave her one for Christmas. I'll bet. Did she get a present an' all? Dad! If she marries Ricky, she'll want for nothing. What's he do? He runs cheap charter flights. Oh, yeah? Gullible's Travels? No. Sunset Tours. It was him what put us on toRimini. He bought his three cars on the proceeds of YOUR deposits! You never give no-one the benefit of the doubt. You're getting so cynical! It's not easy in here. If you live outside the law, you have to accept the consequences. You told Lennie "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime. " How d'you know? He told me in his letters. Oh, I seeHello! Keeping in touch, are you? Only pen pals. Yeah, but he's going out next week. Subject to his parole board. He'll smarm his way past them with his boyish smile and Geography 'O'level. He'll get lost as soon as he gets outside the gates. That's why you're so grumpy! You'll miss him. His going out reminds me that I'm staying IN. Won't be too long, Dad. Soon as your release is set I'll get Ricky to book you a lovely holiday. Oh, yeah. Why not? Mum and me. Then apart from young Raymond he'll have done the whole family. Godber! FIGHTING Stop that! J-J-Just a minute. Don't do that! What's all this about? Mr Mackay? Brawling in the yard. High spirits, sir. We were re-enacting football highlights - Shilton diving at Charlie George. I don't recall Charlie George smashing a dustbin lid over Peter Shilton's skull(!) He didn't have one handy, sir. Don't be funny with me, Godber. I'm not. YOU were brawling. I'd be daft to jeopardise my parole. Yes, you would, sonny. Len's my mate. We're like that. Mr Barrowclough? I-I was some distance away, but it did seem to be a vicious altercation. If you'd come up closer you'd have seen we were smiling. Straight up, sir. Your only interest in football was supervising violence at the Stretford end. Since your imprisonment, football hooliganism has declined. Didn't know no better, sir. But thanks to people like Len It's true, sir. Look Man United are rubbish compared to Villa! You could be right, Len. Doesn't that prove it? I admit we were boisterous. True. But, to me, Len's family. D'you mean that? Cross me heart. You don't know how much that means to me. I'm in two minds, Mr Barrowclough. Shall I give them solitary, or announce their engagement? Back to your cells, and think yourselves damned lucky. Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. Got out of that. Yeah. We were like Abbot and Costello. Morecambe and Wise. We were a bit daft having a go. Should have picked somewhere private. We will do. Cos I'm going to punch your lights out! Godber! Was I supposed to back off? Think of your parole. He made certain remarks. What? I found them offensive. If MY release were in the balance, I'd turn the other cheek. You must draw the line somewhere. No. Wrong. You could insult my old woman, call me a poof, say I molested goats . . water off a duck's back to me, or a goat's back. I've got more pride than what you have. Oh, the old pride? It matters. Self-respect don't exist in here. People's opinion in here matters naff all. I'm doing it for ME. I was talking to my daughter today. Ingrid? Yes, your pen pal. She reckons I'm getting cynical. She's right. I thought you might make it in the outside world, but But WHAT? Obviously you ain't got the bottle. If I didn't have the bottle I wouldn't take on Jarvis. That's STUPIDITY! Turning the other cheek takes bottle. Like Gary Cooper in High Noon, Gregory Peck in The Big Country, Glenn Ford in The Fastest Gun. I've seen them films. See. Answer one question: How come all them films ended up in vicious fights? Because Hollywood has to pander to the public's *** for violence. You're wrong. Those films posed a moral question. "A man ". . has to do what a man has to do" Bleedin' Batman! That's a basic truth. Let me ask YOU one question, Sonny Jim. Go on. Do you think Gregory Peck would have done what he'd done if he was up for parole? Would he have had that shoot-out if his adversary had been the Red Menace Jarvis? There's two kinds of violence: violence born from frustration and violence from the likes of Jarvis - full of Mancunian macho because he's nothing to lose. You've got everything to lose. Your freedom! Well I appreciate your concern but I have to do it. I'll make one final appeal, then I'll wash my hands of it. There are three reasons not to take on Jarvis: A - you'll jeopardise your parole, B - you'll offend civilised sensibilities. What about C? C? C is obvious. C - he'll bleedin' *** you! Knock. Five-four. Knock. Double-five. Knock! Five-one. Dear, dear Excuse me. Oh, dear, interruption. Void game. I only had one to play. Mr Barrowclough wants to talk to us. No need to stop the game. See! Too late now. You'd have beaten him hollow, Warren. Now then, what's the problem? A word in your ear. Use this one, away from him. It's all right, he's a friend. Friend of whose? Godber. What about him? (Him and Jarvis. ) What about Jarvis? You know. Do I? You were there, in the yard. Oh, was I? You're a good conversationalist(!) What? Something's brewing. Oh, good. Two sugars. You know what I mean. Do I? I'll say no more. You've said enough. As long as we understand each other. Perfectly. Good. What? Jarvis and Godber had a fight. They don't want it to go any further. If it does, it'll be bad for the lad. He didn't say all that. Read between the lines. Your go. Would you believe it? I'm knocking. IN the kitty. Yes! Six-two. Look, it's Lennie! Never mind him. Have you got a two? An interruption! Naff off! That's what YOU did. Barrowclough's a screw. He's a con. What did he want? The topic was prevention of violence. If he wants to stop that he should fix the TV. Jarvis broke it. He couldn't get a picture on The Magic Roundabout. I told him that if it was a bit blurred all he had to do was delicately adjust the tuner, not bash the set on the wall. Mind you, that sometimes works. Change the subject. Change it. What's the matter, sore throat? Change the subject. You what ***! Are you knocking? Godber Jarvis? Score to settle? Any time. Up to you. Ready when you are. Now? Why not? TV's bust. Nowt else to do. I'll go to t'lavatory. Sit down and hold your horses, or whatever. None of your business. It's everybody's business. You cause a rumpus, we all suffer. My gripe's with him, but I'll stuff you! Shut your face, toilet mouth. I have to go to t'lavatory. I'll have you for that. Everybody freeze! Stand still! What's going on? Just adjusting the TV, Mr Mackay. With the set above your head? It's the vertical hold, sir. Look! We've got a picture. TURNS VOLUME UP HIGH Fletch. I told you to tag Godber. It's all right, he's on duty. And Jarvis is in the yard. Tail Godber when he comes off duty. It's got to happen sometime soon. I had hopes that you'd have talked him out of it. I couldn't. Which shows how pig-headed he is. Well, maybe the fight won't be tumbled. Maybe Lennie'll be all right. He made the boxing squad. Oh, yeah, the noble art. The Queensberry rules(!) While Lennie's still shaking hands, Jarvis will fracture his groin! Could we nobble him? Drugs, like? There is some animal tranquilliser on the farm. But how much would we need for an animal like Jarvis? And how could we stick a hypodermic up his rear without him noticing? There's only one thing for it, you know. I'LL have to take on Jarvis. Do you think YOU can put Jarvis out of action? No. But it is Saturday morning. If I fight him and we're discovered it's 48 hours in the cooler. Godber goes up for his parole on Monday morning. But you could go to cooler an' all. Yeah You're going to blot your copybook. A few weeks' loss of remission won't harm me. Listen, I won't last two minutes with Jarvis, so the minute anything starts YOU'VE got to get the screws. Oh, Fletch. If I tip off the screws, that makes me a snitch. If you don't, it makes me a corpse. Jarvis? Hello, Fletch. You want in? You what? D'you want to join in, like? We have some unfinished business, from the TV room, remember? Oh, THAT? Don't be daft. I meant what I said. You didn't. You were trying to protect the kid. Jarvis. You know when I called you toilet mouth? Yeah? I ain't taking it back. Well, you're right. My language is a bit colourful. The wife's always on about it. I try, you know. But I can do sod all about it. Jarvis. Now what? About your wife What about my wife? You're luckier than most of us. I mean, when a bloke's doing a long stretch, his old lady's out looking for ***. You speak for yourself. I am. I am. You're luckier than most of us. Your old lady's only been unfaithful twice. Twice? Yeahonce with the milkman and once with the Household Cavalry. That's a good one, that, Fletch. Crusher! What? Here Listen I hear your old lady's only been unfaithful twice once with the milkman and once with the Household Cavalry. All right, then, I owe you one. WHISTLE Come on, break it up! Thank you, my man. Congratulations, my son. What? Congratulations on your parole. I was going to tell you that! I know already. How? It pays me to. I only left the board an hour ago. I work in the Admin block, don't I? Of course. Anyhow, well done. Thanks. Tomorrow, innit? Yeah. I'd better pack. I didn't realise how much stuff I'd got. Yeah. The Governor let me phone me Mum. Yeah, I know. How? I listened on the extension. Fletch! I wanted to join in your elation. She was chuffed your mum. Yeah. Very emotional for her. Wish I could tell me dad - if I only knew where he was. Well, his absence means he don't know you came in here. Came in handy with the board. How? I said my father's desertion was a contributory factor to my temporary lapse. It must have worked, then, that lot. You're learning, ain't you? Thanks to you, Fletch. Well I'd never have made this parole without you. True. The fact that you risked solitary and loss of remission that's REAL friendship. I wasn't going to let you jeopardise your parole. Did it mean so much? Of course! I had three-to-one on you getting out. You don't fool me. You did it out of the kindess of your heart. You are a stupid sentimental nurk. No, I'm not. Well, stupid. As your behaviour over Jarvis clearly indicated. I had a good reason for that. Jarvis made an obscene remark. And that offended your sensibilities, did it? Yeah. The remark concerned your daughter Ingrid. Wha-at? He indicated his carnal desires towards her. He fancies his chances on account of her *** proclivities. She's had them since she was 13. Soyou were defending MY family honour, was it? Seemed like a good reason. I'd never have made it without you. Don't make me out to be a hero. I wasn't. Father figure, maybe. I ain't been no great shakes as a dad. I'm no great shakes at anything, really. You are to me. You can count on me. I ain't coming back. You better mean it, Godber. You've got your whole life ahead. Out of the last 20 years I've spent 11 doing porridge. That's not life. That'smarking time. I'm not moaning, what's done's done But it's a terrible waste, innit? I won't be back. Given the breaks. Make the breaks. You don't need no alibis. No ifs or buts. You can do it. YOU make the breaks. You're not evil or stupid. You're a good lad. 'Nuff said. I hope you will leave your snout. Only right. Thank you. Chocolate? Fruit and nut. Plain? Plain chocolate. Gives me a choice then. The first thing you do, you do for me when you get out. What? The first thing you do when you get up to Birmingham is to go into the nearest bar, order yourself a pint and drink to me. I'm not going to Birmingham. Oh? I'm going to Rimini with a friend. We thought May cos it's less touristy then. Or Portofino BOOTS SQUEAK Fletcher? Good afternoon, sir. Good afternoon, sir? SIR? That is your title? True, but I did not expect to hear it from your lips. Well, I'm going out in ten months. Throwing in the towel? I just want to get home. I've noticed a change in attitude since laddo's release. You seem to have lost a lot of that brash Cockney lairyness. Or are you acknowledging that the system always wins? Nobody wins, Mr Mackay. Normally, I wouldn't put a sprog in here. Am I having company? You've not always been a good influence on first offenders. But now a lad called Nicolson. He's not a Scot, is he? No. He's from Sunderland. Oh, dangerously near. He's a bit of a tearaway. The new Fletcher might be just what he needs. Whatever you think. So you'll keep an eye on him? Hard to ignore him in a room this size(!) Noperhaps you'd show him the ropes. Show him what you've learned. What have I learned, Mr Mackay? That there's no point in bucking the system? Yeah. OK. All right, sir. I'll keep an eye on him. I'll simply tell him three things: One - bide your time. Two - keep your nose clean. Three - don't let the *** grind you down. Oh, sorry! BBC Scotland, 1985