Up All Night S1E12 - English Transcript

Seven, six Five, four, three, two, one Happy New Year! - Oh. - I'm sorry. - Hi. - I'm Chris. Reagan. - Hi. Hi, Reagan. - Hi. - Nice to meet you. - Ooh, my God, Reagan. [Sigh] I've made a lot of mistakes. But this year's going to be different. Sweet goatee. Both: Three, two, one Happy New Year! Happy New Year, Mrs. Brinkley. - Mm, I love you guys. - Mwah. We love you, Ava. But this year's going to be different. All: Happy New Year! - Happy New Year. - Happy New Year, sweetie. Happy New Year, babe. Happy New Year, honey. I just had a revelation about New Year's Eve. If you can't drink, it really sucks. You know, I've made some mistakes. Right. But this year's going to be different. [Laughs] [Baby laughs] Okay, thank you, Sanjita. Well, that's it. I can't find anyone to babysit on New Year's. What do people with a baby do for New Year's Eve? Well, you know what, we're prisoners, - so let's just make it fun. - Okay. Kind of like that apartment jail that the good fellas used to hang out in. We'll just make a meal, and we'll we'll slice garlic with a razor blade, and let it dissolve in a pan real nice. [Mob accent] We can bust each other's balls. You want I should call Ava and Kevin, see what they're doing? Why don't we have just a good old fashioned game night? - Oh. - Yeah. And the last few that we planned, you got sick. Was I? I don't even You know what, we could watch a movie instead, that would be really fun. No, game night. That's what we're doing. We're doing game night. Game night! Okay, well, as long as you can keep it casual, and fun, and non-competitive. Of course, honey. Come on. I mean, unless someone's a total ***. See, that's what I'm No, I'm going to go try to find all those games that we have. Game night, game night aw, aw, aw, aw, aw, game night Game night's not happening, right? We're both in agreement on that, we hate it? Ooh, Kevin. This is so embarrassing. I was asked to be grand marshal of the pacific palisades New Year's Day parade. Well, not to brag, but I just dropped off a bunch of privacy slats for the dumpster chain link at the Sherman Oaks Petco. Mm, privacy slats, are you freakin' kidding me? Oh, careful, careful. Watch the makeup. Oh, Bart's here to get a quick pic of me for the Los Angeles Times. I hope this isn't inappropriate, but you are even more beautiful than Naomi watts. I get that a lot. [Sigh] You must be so proud of her. I'd give anything to wear a cape and have people like it. I don't know. She's just so much more fancy, you know? I worry sometimes that I can't live up to her. Don't do that to yourself. You can't. Who could? - Hi. - Well, hello there. You know what, I can get with the whole Capelet trend, but the I think the wand is too much. Oh, sweetie. It's a scepter. Have you not been grand marshal of a parade? I wanted to know, uh, would you and Kevin like to come over for a very old school game night for New Year's Eve? Oh. Well, your wish is granted. Oh. Ow! No, seriously, a low-key couples' New Year's sounds fun. - Right? Doesn't it? - Yeah. I mean, no velvet ropes, no bottle service, no telling the bouncer that his neck tattoo is sexy. Yeah. Hey, Missy, um, what are you doing for New Year's Eve? Actually, just going to hang out with my lame boyfriend, Isaac. He's, whatever I met him on j-date. Missy, I didn't know you were a "j". Oh, actually I'm a "Roman c". But I do love a "j". Isaac's only half. Well, why don't you and your half a "j" come over to my house for New Year's Eve? You know what I'm sayin'? - Yeah. - [Imitates explosion] Mine explodes afterwards. Rocking my cool party shirt, my tight party shave, right? What happened to all the games? Uh, I don't know. Honestly, babe, I want you to check out my face and compare it to Amy's bottom, just, texture-wise. I can't find any of the games. Yeah, that sucks. Did you end up checking the, uh, in the mumble room? Okay, you literally just said, "mumble room". [Doorbell ringing] - Hey buddy. - Hey guys. - Christopher. - Hi. Oh, you look great. Down boy, I'm taken! Okay. Reagan! Let's crank it up. Wow, dude, I've never seen you wear a jacket before. Thanks. It's for Ava. Okay. All right, I don't want you to freak out, Chris - Yeah? - But I brought fireworks. Thought we could do a little display come midnight. Dude, this is awesome. - All right. - You boys. But seriously, if anything happens to Kevin's beautiful hands, I will end you. Hey you guys! I'm so happy you're here. - Oh, yay. - Yay. Help yourself to some food. I also made jell-o shots. I've got regular ones, and *** ones, for people who just like jell-o. So here you go. Honey, babe, I found the trivial pursuit. What? It was in a box marked "old bulbs". That seems like an honest mistake, though, that somebody might make. Makes you wonder what happened to those old bulbs, huh? Oh, wow. [Doorbell rings] Hey, Happy New Year! - [Overlapping arguing] - Sorry we're late. Isaac had to stop at the grocery store. Holy Abercrombie and Fitch. [English accent] Hi, nice to meet you. Hi. Apologies for our tardiness. I really feel dreadful. Cool it, Isaac. Quit apologizing, it's fine. Man, you are handsome. I don't know if you know that. I'm also detecting, like a, um, like a Some kind of a Brit accent. Let me guess. It's, um it's like a slough. I'm from London. London-town! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Got a double-Decker bus in the channel. Okay, baby, you don't have to fill every awkward silence. If I hope it's not imposing, but, uh, I'm a bit of a chef. If it's okay, I'd love to whip up some tapas. [Sigh] If it's an ***-ache, just say no. No, it's not an ***-ache to whip up tapas. The kitchen's right over here, and, uh, we also have a loo just over here if you need it. You can get one of those on j-date? Okay, he makes David Beckham look like an actual pile of garbage. Yeah, he's good-looking, and the sex is amazing. I mean, he can definitely keep up. But he's a little annoying. That *** is crazy. That Isaac's a great dude. He said he liked my jacket too. Oh, no, it's adorable. I just I don't know, I like your usual look. You know, denim overalls, denim shirt. You know, "d" on "d". Ah, Ava? There's something wrong with your hand, honey. There isn't a shot of Tequila in it. - Oh. - Come on. Got to get this party loosened up. Well, this was a swing and a miss, huh? Aw. I think you look great. 'Course, I'm not Ava. Have you any "aluminium" foil? Ah! We're in America! We are. - Okay, all right. - Ten seconds. - You have ten seconds. - All right, um Henry VI? Henry VII. - Oh! - Oh, God! It's his own country. How embarrassing. All right, babe, take it easy. Let's not be the ugly Americans here. He knows, he knows. Okay, our turn. Baby, we've got to get in. Give me a three, give me a three, give me a three. Yes! Yes. Going in the center. All right, honey, this one is for the win. Good, uh I'll take, um, geography. Yeah, okay, if you get this wrong, I'm going to kill you. [Imitating Borat] "My wife!" [Laughs] Borat, right? I guess. I don't was that? Oh, thank you. You know what? I'm just going to pace myself tonight. Yeah, I'm going to be in a parade tomorrow, so I don't want my fans to see me puffy-eyed. Wait, dude, are you riding with Ms. palisades over here? Yeah, no, it's just going to be me. They said I could bring a significant other, but I I didn't think that you'd be interested in all that fancy business. Yeah, why would I want to be in a parade when I can stand off to the side amidst the aroma of cotton candy and horse crap? All right, okay, okay, enough of that, enough of that. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go. "What is the largest desert?" Oh, I know this. It's, um, Antarctica. [Scoffs] Antarctica? It is, trust me. I know it's kind of a trick. Honey, are you 100% sure here? Seriously, because if If you're not, then I am going to rip off your largest organ. Your skin. [Laughs] Remember when I got that before, for a piece of the pie? I'm sure nobody forgets that. Okay, okay, listen, honey Seriously, think about it. Are you sure it's not, like It's not the Sahara? Or the Gobi? It's Antarctica. He's right. Yes! Oh, my God, we won! Yes! Chump change! Yeah, uh-huh, we win [laughing] Yeah. Oh, whoo! I'm so excited. Okay. Ooh, yes. Does anyone want any dessert? Oh, there's so much explodable food back there. Dude, we're totally blowing up that chicken, right? - Totally. - All right. Hey, uh, not to get all lady on you, but, I don't know, do you think Ava's embarrassed of me? What? Seriously? Well, you know, we never go out to dinner, you know? And she doesn't want me to ride in the parade, and - And you would want to? - What am I, dead? Who wouldn't want to ride in a parade? I rode in a few, so I know they delivered. I mean, I know I'm not like the flashy guys she usually dates, you know? I don't know, maybe she wants me to be more of a "baller". Is that the word? It is a word. Yeah. Oh, where are the rest of the games? Come on, we gotta pump this sucker up. Missy, don't take this the wrong way. But you, Isaac? How? Yeah, I know, he's a hottie. But he's driving me bananas. I mean, he's always at the hospital. Oof, health problems? Yeah, that makes sense. He's like, what, deranged? No, a pediatric surgeon. - Good lord. - What the [bleep]? See? He's making you love him, and now I'm the New Year's shrew. This is what I turn into when I'm around him. I just can't deal. I've got to get out of here. Tell him I'm sorry. Wait, Missy Missy, what are you doing? Wait! Missy, wait! I guess I should be grateful. You know, I'm just an average Joe who landed a pretty amazing girl. I mean, you get it. Well, I mean, I don't really consider myself an average Joe. Well, come on, buddy. I mean, Reagan? I mean, you married up. Like, up-up. Yeah, well, she's pretty lucky too. She can be a bit of a handful. I don't know if you've noticed, she's a little competitive. Between you and me, I knew the last state to be admitted to the union was Hawaii, but she gave me this look, and it didn't seem worth it. Put one right Yeah, under the wing there. Hey, look what I found. Rock Band! How did she find that? I buried it in the backyard. Wa-wa-wa-wa-wa Anyone fancy crab ceviche? Where's Melissa? Oh, Isaac. We've, uh We have something that we need to tell you. Yeah. Mm! Oh, my God! - Yes. - Yeah. Missy left. I'm so sorry. She had like a You you don't have to do this. I look, I know she's not into me. No, no, no, she'll be back. She'll be back. [English accent] Come on, she's a She's a quirky bloke, that missus. I just do not know how to love that woman the way she deserves to be loved. Oh, I bet you do. Look, she'll be back, I promise you. And even if she's not, we've got Rock Band [Shrieking singing] Oh, it's just like, uh, the voice of an angel, huh? [Cherub Rock by The Smashing Pumpkins] Oh, we're going to do this. Yeah. It's going to be so good. - You've got a drum solo up ahead. - Yeah, I know. But you're off, honey, so you've got to anticipate it. Reagan, shut up. I've got it. Yeah, but you're off, right now, you're off. - You're off. - Okay, now I'm off. All right, thanks. Great! Now I'm perfectly off. - I need to reset. - Yeah, but there's no resets. There's no re you can't reset. Hey, don't, no, no, no. Do not pedal for me, babe. Get your foot off the pedal. Now all the colors are coming fast. I've got blue, yellow, and purple. There is no purple. Babe, don't, don't. Oh, my God, what is wrong with you, Ringo? Babe, do not start with that, all right? You're messing me up. I'm trying to listen to the pumpkins and not your Jib-jabbery. Okay, you know what, do not put this on me. Because you know what? I saw you checking out your drum arm in the mirror the whole time. Yeah, I saw you, and you weren't focusing. I looked one time, because it happened to look good. - [Video game crowd booing] - Great, they're booing us. I hate when they boo us. You're so out of the band. - Oh, I'm out of the band? - Yeah. I quit the band. And it's not even your band. Wow. I always thought you two had the dream relationship. Seems like me and Kevin are the new "it" couple. Come on, Kev, let's rock it. What say you we get into sochina grove by the brothers Doobie? Oh, are are you inviting me to do a song? In front of people? Look who's inviting me. What? Kevin, what is this? You know what, they're not ready, so why don't we just jump in and do another song? Oh, I am never playing another song with you ever. Don't worry, honey, I'll cover all the reflective surfaces so you can focus. I hate game night. I told you that. And I hate the way that you're always so over-competitive. It's embarrassing. - I'm embarrassing? - Yeah, you are. Oh, okay. This is coming from the guy who constantly goes, "my wife". - They love my Borat. - Nobody loves it. It's embarrassing. You know who's embarrassed? Ava of me. Way to draw a parallel, Kev, that was great. It was "super nice". Oh, shut up. - I am not embarrassed of you. - Really? Well, then why am I not sitting next to you in that parade? You care about that? No! I Kevin! Guess not everybody loves a parade, huh? Kevin! Can you, like, stop filling silences? - You know, forget you. - I'm so embarrassed for you. - [Video game crowd booing] - Oh, shut up! Chris. Chris? Happy New Year. I swear to God, these toys Come on, it was cute at first, and then it became, like, the most annoying thing in the world. Kind of like your Borat impression? Maybe, or perhaps your psycho competiveness. You know what? I have an idea. Oh, it's perfect. And it's New Year's Eve. Come on, Borat. I'm going to need this. Come on. Come on. All right. Filling silences. You've got to put it on there. Okay, yes, good, get that down. Ooh, ooh you know what? While I'm up here, I'm just going to put down hoarding concert tees from the '90s. Just 'cause, not everyone needs to know that you like better than Ezra. And for yourself, just put down, "stop saying, 'kwah-sawnt'. " You know, just say, "croissant. " - Yeah, but that's how you say it. - Well, we're in the U. S. Nobody cares that you spent a semester in Lyon. - I will let that go. - Also put down, "stop saying, 'totes'". Just "totally" or "yes" would be fine. No "totes"? This is good. I'm so glad we did this. I think it's really smart, honey. - Yeah. - I think for a lot of couples this might be like playing with fire, but I think we've got a handle on it, huh? I do too. I think that after, we should also do a list of all the stuff that we love about each other. Definitely. I like that. We're not done with this, though. Oh, we're not even close. - Not by a long shot. - Okay, let's see I'm just getting started with you. Kevin, hey! I'm sorry. It's just a stupid parade. Ava, I don't care about the parade, okay? I care that you don't want to be seen with me in public. That is ridiculous. Look, you brought your hair stylist to the paranormal activity 3 premiere instead of me. That is because I took Jin Jin to the other two. It would have felt like a slam. Are you taking this relationship seriously? Or am I just a fetish for you, some handyman boy-toy? A one day at a time sex-Schneider? Sex-Schneider? Enrique! Follow him, turn around. Kevin! Enrique, move! Kevin, wait! I'm not ashamed of you. I really like you. Kevin, you're blowing this New Year's Eve. Enrique, do you mind? I'm trying Enrique, can you [Sighs] Kevin! I'm getting out. I'm getting Kevin, wait. I need to show you something, okay? Just watch. I put in a search for "Ava Alexander boyfriend". Okay? You dated Bobby brown? And that guy from ed, yeah. Well, that's a picture of An actual train wreck. Bravo, Internet. Look, all of my romantic failures are on display. I'm kind of a lemon. And if you're in that parade with me tomorrow, when I mess things up, every time I Google myself, which is quite often, I'll always be reminded that I blew it with one of the good ones. You're not a lemon. Maybe Bobby brown isn't that great a guy. I still think it was me. It's not. Sweet. Wait a second, I I can't do the fake golf swings anymore? It's the way that you go, like, "that'll work," after every shot. Okay, well, then for you I'm going to put down no more taking magazines from waiting rooms, because it's stealing. If the issue is no longer current, then it is up for grabs, okay? It's the rule. Guys, guys, what are you doing? We are cataloging all the things that we find annoying and embarrassing And then we're going to eliminate those things from our 2012 behavior. - Yeah. Yeah. - It's really Isaac? Melissa. There's one minute till New Year's, and I don't want to go into 2012 fighting. Yes, there are a lot of things you do that drive me crazy, but why not focus on the good? There are so many things about you that I - Love? - Like. You never let me finish! - Just kiss me. - Okay. [TV crowd cheering] The crowd is revved up All right, guys, Uh, okay, we're running out of time here. Are we good with this? I don't know, I guess I'm okay with you saying "croissant". - I mean that doesn't - Yeah, you know, I don't mind you checking yourself in the mirror. I mean, it's kind of cute, actually, when you do that. I'm going to take that one off. And you don't have to see star wars either. You know what? Episode just the first one [Overlapping chatter] Maybe just the first one and then the last [Overlapping chatter] Yeah, I'm basically fine with most of it, babe. All: Five, four, three, two, one Happy New Year! This year's going to be different. - Are you happy with this? - Yeah. Let's blow some stuff up. I just want to say "my wife" in a hilarious voice so bad, but I'm just going to say, "my wife". Everybody, look out! All right guys, heads up. It's the chicken. [Boom] [Screams, laughter] Yes. - That'll work. - Totes. - Happy New Year. - Thank you. See your auntie Ava on the TV? Do you see auntie Ava? - Oh, and there's Ava! - Look! This is my boyfriend Kevin. Isn't he cute? We're a couple. Love Boatgavin Macleod, have you met my boyfriend, Kevin? I have. A lot of times. He's Kevin. Sorry ladies, he's taken. Happy New Year, honey. Happy New Year, babe. - Happy New Year, Amy. - Yes.