Seinfeld S9E9 - English Transcript

Any second now. It's light is on. Melissa, waffles are ready. Oh, fantastic. I'm starving. How about that? She ate breakfast naked? She didn't even want a napkin. I've had bedroom naked, I've had walk-to-the-bathroom naked. I have never had living-room naked. Oh, it's a scene. It's like you're living in the Playboy Mansion. Did she--? Did she frolic? I don't have enough room. -Hey, Laney, Puddy. -Hey. -Hi. -Hey. -I gotta make a pit stop. -Okay. Back together? His apartment was being fumigated. We thought we'd give it another shot. So guess who called me last night? Jason Hanky. "Stanky" Hanky? What did he want? He called to apologize for standing me up five years ago. Why now? A. A. It's one of the 12 steps. Step number 9 is you have to apologize to everyone you've ever wronged. I can't wait for Hanky to come crawling back to me. Still with the neck hole? -Still upset. Very upset. -What neck hole? Remember that party he threw a few years ago? He had that very drafty apartment. -I think on 9th Avenue-- Faster. -I asked if I could borrow a sweater. -A cashmere sweater. I said, preferably cashmere. For warmth. I front of the whole party, he says: "No. I don't want you stretching out the neck hole. " Oh, yeah, sure, laugh it up. Everybody else did. Well, it's funny. I mean, you have a big head. Or is it because of your neck? No, I think the head does most of the stretching. Regardless, I had to walk around for the rest of the party in some cheap MetLife Windbreaker. Now it is payback time. -I really think it's the size of your neck. -It's my head. -Hey, isn't this great? -Hey. Since the nerds in Accounting moved we're the only ones in this bathroom. Yeah. Great. You went to the coffee shop without me. I told you I just wanted to hop in the shower. That's an hour ago. What were you doing in there? Showering. How long does it take you? -Ten minutes. -Ten minutes? That's kooky talk. Elaine, how long do you spend in the shower? -Ten minutes. -Let me smell you. All right. Whiff away. It's not bad at all. -That's it. -Okay. So get this. I'm in the bathroom at work today and I see Peggy using a seat protector. -So? -We're the only women on the floor. I mean, we're like roommates. Would you use a seat protector if you had a roommate? The damage is probably already done. -All right. I'll get that. -All right. It's just-- Maybe she just practices good hygiene. Yeah, you're right. She's probably one of those neurotic clean freaks. Well, here's my shower routine. Maybe I can make some changes. Yeah, wash cloth mittens and maybe some liquid soap and justfocus. Zephyr? That is not a word. -Do you challenge? -No, I do not challenge. Sixty-six points. I'd accuse you of cheating, but where would you hide the tiles? -You want some more iced tea? -Sure. Wrong pipe. So she coughed. Coughing? Naked? It's a turnoff, man. Everything goes with naked. When you cough, there are thousands of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It's like watching a fat guy catch a cannonball in his stomach in slow motion. Oh, you spoiled, spoiled man. You know how much mental energy I expend trying to picture women naked? But the thing you don't realize is there's good naked and bad naked. Naked hair brushing, good. Naked crouching, bad. -Hey, there's Hanky. -All right, it's grovel time. Hey, George. Jerry. Listen, I just got sober so I've been going through the 12 steps. What are you up to now? Step 9? Yeah. Making amends. Important step. Maybe the most important. Anyway, Jerry, you know, this may sound dumb but when we first met, I thought your name was Gary. I think I may even have called you Gary a couple of times. I don't know if you noticed, but I always felt bad. So I'm sorry. Thank you. I did notice and I appreciate you rectifying it. Great. Great. Well, I'll see you guys later. Well, I just got out of a 27-minute shower. I made some good cuts and I didn't lose anything I needed. Yeah, I think what I kept is even stronger now. -You've got some suds over here. -What? Oh, man. Jeez. Look at that: I'm all lathery. Jerry, you gotta show me what I'm doing wrong. -Oh, come on. -No, I mean it, man. I'm lost. You promise you'll never come in here again? Well, Jerry, you know I can't do that. My sense of it is you're probably wasting time working piecemeal: -First cleaning one area, then another. -Well, that's how cats do it. But when you have a faucet instead of a tongue you wanna use gravity. Okay, let's turn the water on now. No, I told you. It's just a dry run. Hanky's moved on to Step 10. -He was taking personal inventory. -That's Step 10? He has to do is count his blessings, say a prayer and he's done. You believe this? Come on, Jerry, how about a baggy swimsuit? No. You're not getting any skin, Kramer. Well, this has all been one big tease. These proofs look pretty good. Oh, can I move this? Yup. I think this will work. I'm gonna get another bottle of water. Here, take mine. There's a little left. Oh, thanks, Walter. Guys, there's no doubt that the pay is good. But I just don't know if I see myself working with ice cream. You get pretty buff forearms. I don't know if I'm into that. -Oh, hello, Hanky, others. -George. You know, Jason, I couldn't help notice: I didn't get my apology. Apology? For what? A drafty apartment. A sweaterless friend. A ball game giveaway MetLife Windbreaker. George, come on. Not that neck-hole thing. Yes, the neck-hole thing. I'd appreciate it if you'd say you're sorry. No way. You would have completely stretched it out. You're an alcoholic. You have to apologize. Step 9. Step 9. All right, George, all right. I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry. I'm so sorry that I didn't want your rather bulbous head struggling to find its way into the normal-size neck hole of my finely knit sweater. Now, see, that's smart. Constant motion. -Hey. -Oh, yeah. I'm watching you too but this guy's really showing me something. You got a steak? What happened to you? People in this city are crazy. Here you go. Thanks, buddy. Oh, yes. Yeah, you got any A. 1. , because I'm cooking a steak. -What? -A different one. Okay, Jerry. I fixed that bike. That wasn't really necessary. I don't ride it. It's just for show. I gotta clean those bearings. Hold this. -Look at all that gunk. -Please, don't crouch. -It caught my skin. -Oh, that's bad. Especially that area. You got anything to snack on? Oh, pickles. It's a tough one. Please stop. Let me help you with that. It's gonna leave a welt. Look at that. I can't. I can't look anymore. I've seen too much. Peggy, we gotta talk. What is it about me that you find so offensive? -You seem to be with a lot of men. -What? I happen to have a very steady boyfriend. You know, I mean, we broke up a few times and there has been an occasional guy here or there, but-- Why is this your business? It's not. Good day. Oh, all right. You think I've got germs? I'll give you some germs. How about some for your keyboard, huh? How about that? Yeah? Oh, how about for your stapler? That's good, isn't it? You have a happy and a healthy. Well, technically, he did apologize. Jerry, I felt like a straight man in some horrible sketch. He was riffing. Riffing. On my pain. You want an apology for the apology plus the original apology? That's right. I'm two in the hole. Well, I hit the wall yesterday with Lady Godiva. She did a full-body flex on a pickle jar. Did you explain about the good naked and the bad naked? Where am I gonna get a fat guy and a cannonball? Well, what if you showed her bad naked, huh? -You still got that belt sander? -Yeah. Well, you on all fours, that thing vibrating kicking up sawdust. She'll get the picture. -Hello? -Jerry, guess where I'm calling from? -World War I plane? -No, I'm in my shower. I'm trying to get out of the shower sooner. And then I asked myself why. I mean, this is where I wanna be. I got a waterproof phone, I shaved, I brushed my teeth and I ordered a pair of chinos from J. Crew. -When are you getting out? -I'm not. I'll see you later, buddy. Bad news, people. Peggy is home sick. Oh, please. She's stuffed up, achy and suffering from intense malaise. Oh, come on. We all have intense malaise, right? I just spoke with her, Elaine. She's in bed. Yeah. Let me tell you something. This is all in her mind. She is insane. She thinks I made her sick because I coughed on her doorknob rubbed her stapler in my armpit and put her keyboard on my butt. Yeah. She's a wacko. -So you're Jason Hanky's supervisor. -Sponsor. Whatever. Listen, I'm very concerned about this guy. He's doing very well. He's already on to Step 10. If you don't do the steps you can go through them pretty fast. You can get through six a day. Is there some unresolved issue between you and Jason? I don't know, a little something called, Step 9? Instead of an apology he was bebopping and scatting all over me. I'm not sure what you want me to do. Well, aren't you the boss of him? You shouldn't let him move up. When I was in Cub Scouts, I got stuck on Webelos for three years because I kept losing the Pinewood Derby. You're quite upset. I think you should drop him down to Step 2. Admit there's a higher power? Yeah, let him chew on that for a while. You know, George, I think I can help you. We're having a meeting. Why don't you come by? All right. That's more like it. Thank you very much. By the way, my uncle was an alcoholic. Lomez, you're not listening. Jerry likes the naked. It's just some of the things that she does when she's naked. Calm down. I'm on your side. Jeez. Hey, hold on a second. I got a clog. I'll call you back. -What are you doing? -I found a spot on the kitchen floor. I thought I'd polish it up with this belt sander I have here. No, not that. Why are you naked? -I thought naked is good. -This isn't good naked. George, here have a seat. Where's Hanky? Okay, let's get started. Welcome to Rage-aholics Anonymous. -What? Rage-aholics? -George, this can help you. Hey, I am not here for rage. I'm here for revenge. Excuse me. We have a no-yelling policy at these meetings. Excuse me. Am I talking to you, pinhead? Am l? Please, don't call me pinhead. I'm losing it. He took you to Rage-aholics? Why? Probably because this whole universe is against me. -You got a little rage. -I know. And now, they want me to bottle it up. It makes me so mad. By the way, my bad naked demo didn't quite work. This bread has nuts in it. Oh, great, Elaine. What is wrong with my body? Chicken wing shoulder blades. -That's it? -No, but that's one problem. Why? I was walking around naked in front of Melissa the other day-- Walking around naked? That is not a good look for a man. Why not? It's a good look for a woman. Well, female body is a work of art. The male body is utilitarian. It's for getting around. It's like a Jeep. -So you don't think it's attractive? -It's hideous. The hair, the lumpiness. It's simian. Well, some women like it. Sickies. "Installing your Clarkman garbage disposal. Dismantle latch hasp beneath main drainage line. " Oh, come on, Clarkman. -Puddy. -Is David Puddy there? -This is Puddy. -Oh, this is Kramer. I know. You're a mechanic. Could you help me install a garbage disposal? You gotta dismantle the latch hasp from the auxiliary drainage line. -No, it says main line. -It's a misprint. -What do you got, a Clarkman? -Yeah. I'll call you. I'll talk you through it. Oh, okay. Well, thanks, Puddy. -Hey, Puddy. -Hey, babe, your boss called. You owe 5 bucks for a balloon bouquet. Yeah, he says you can just give it to him tomorrow when you see him. Balloon bouquet for who? Peggy took a turn for the worse. Peggy? Great. I suppose she's still blaming me? -He said so. -Yeah. I don't believe this woman. Talk to me, babe. She's this crazy woman who is convinced that my germs make her sick. Oh, a germaphobe. I know what that's about. I'm a recovering germaphobe. Ten years. -What is this symbol? -It's a germ. It was very nice of you to bring the man you're sleeping with to talk but I assure you, I don't have any problem with germs. Don't you? Elaine. Please. I know it looks bleak. I've been there. Ten years ago, waking up next to a woman liked this would have sent me running for the pHisoHex. -Really? -I still have trouble looking at those disgusting old bedroom slippers she slobs around in. Hey, I've had those since college. They're bunnies. They're bacteria traps. So you just learned to live with it? For the most part. Okay. We're broken up for the rest of the day. So I'm glad we had a talk and worked this out. -Don't you feel this is better? -This is nice. Yes, clothes. This is normal. What are you doing tomorrow? I was thinking that we could go-- Jerry? Jerry, are you listening to me? Yeah. What? I'm sorry. I wanted to know what you were doing tomorrow. Maybe a haircut and I don't know, maybe this and-- So you broke up. We couldn't carry on a conversation. I kept trying to picture her naked she kept trying to not picture me naked. Hang on. So, what are you up to? Oh, just cooking up a little thank-you for Puddy. Hey, how do you make those radish roses? Insert a knife into the center and twist. Then to make it bloom, soak it in water for 30 to 40 minutes. No problem there. George, thanks for coming down to talk. I wanted to see you right away, but my hours here aren't so flexible. I just started yesterday. Well, I'm here. What is it? Well, I talked to my sponsor and I've thought it over and you know my apology at the coffee shop was sarcastic and rude and you deserve much better. Well, thank you. You're welcome. -Can I get a triple Minute Man Mint? -Waffle or sugar cone? Excuse me, Jason. I don't wanna get into a big thing here but I'm not sure if technically what you just said was actually an apology. -What? -Can you get on that cone? Would you hang on just a second? What are you talking about? All you said was, "You're welcome. " Which is nice. It's very nice. But I feel I gotta get the apology. -Is there anybody else here but you? -I'm alone and it's my second day. You know, I don't even think we have that flavor, so-- George, really, enough, okay? I admitted I was wrong. What more do you want from me? -I want an apology. -All right, look-- -Did you try it? -He doesn't know what he's doing. Oh, yes, I do. Yes, I do. I'm interacting with someone here, if you can understand that. -Now, I'm sorry. -There it is. You said it. That's what I want. Say it again and tell it to me. I'm not saying anything to you. I'm not sorry. I was never sorry. It was cashmere. I hate Step 9. Where's that Rum Raisin? Where is it? I can't find anything. I need a drink. Daiquiri Ice. Here we go. What are you looking at? Get out. Come on. Can't you see we're closed? Get out. This food is fantastic, Kramer. -And what a pretty radish rose, huh? -Well, thank you. Well, here's to Peggy on her first week of being germfree free. Yeah. And here's to David Puddy for helping me install a much-needed and much-appreciated garbage disposal in my bathtub. Yeah. You have a garbage disposal in your bathtub? Oh, yeah, and I use it all the time. I made this whole meal in there. This food was in the shower with you? I prepared it as I bathed. Oh, germs. Germs. Germs! Excuse me? Is this Rage-aholics? -No. Germaphobes. -Thanks. What are you guys doing here? -Kramer. -Right. Hi, I'm Jason. -I'm a Rage-aholic. -Hi, Jason. -This is my first meeting. -Step-skipper. That man is a step-skipper. He skips Step 9. -Please, Step 9. -That's right. He never apologized to me for saying that I would stretch out the neck hole on his sweater. It wasn't funny. It was a very nice sweater. Take a look at his neck, not to mention the melon sitting on top of it. I don't know if I'd trust him with a V-neck. He's bebopping and scatting, and I'm losing it.