Susan Nisbet's Sit - Down stand - Up comedy

Because my daughter one time, she was sitting there, she was helping me eat supper. My husband had made some steak and potatoes and baby carrots and stuff like that. And so I’m sittin there and she’s got the fork in front of me and every time I move to take a bite of the baby carrot she lifts it up and I can’t get it. [laughter] After a couple of times I said, “Oh yeah, that’s real *** funny.” [laughter] I finally looked at her and said, “What the hell are you doing?” and she said “Well, I like to hold it up to the end of your nose because it makes you look like a snowman.” [laughter] I guess the story wasn’t that funny. [laughter] The family likes to dress me up too. They’ll do up the top button on my jacket. They’ll put the hat on backwards. Even the dog hasn’t really realized that I’m paralyzed yet! She’ll come up to me with a ball and she’ll drop it on my lap. [laughter] At first I thought, Oh that’s really sweet she hasn’t noticed that I’ve changed. Then I started thinking ‘Maybe that *** is mocking me?’ [laughter] You can never really be sure about these things. [laughter] When I got sick I managed for a while then eventually I had to go to the Hospital. I was in the hospital for about two months while they tried to figure out what was wrong with me. And these people aren’t really the brilliant people you’ve been lead to believe they are. [laughter] They aren’t brain surgeons unless they are. [laughter] I had a group of … I was like a star in an episode of House, you know? They would all gather around me and try to figure it out. There were all these tests. [laughter] I had a muscle biopsy, I had a piece of muscle taken out of me. I had blood tests. I had Mamograms and Pap tested and spinal fluid was taken out. And then finally one day all of these brilliant young minds were gathered around my bed and I was just pissed off and I said, “You know what? What if after all these tests you never find out what’s wrong with me? What if they all come back normal?” And they all were kind of quiet for a moment and then one of the brighter young men pipes up in the back and says, “Well then there is nothing wrong with you.” And then I was like, “ Well what the *** am I wasting your time for? [laughter] Like I’m sorry for all the taxpayers dollars you’ve put into this because I’m just going to get up and go home. [laughter] If the tests say I’m all right then I’m all right, I’ll tell you that much. [laughter] A- Because it was a teaching hospital of course they thought, because they thought I was so bizarre, they had to drag everyone in to see me So, I’d have these doctors and their teams of interns, you know, to practice on me 28 00:03:36,000 -->00:03:42,000 like I had more neurological testing – I had a labasis. – I had to actually remind them of tests they left out. So, this group comes in and their teacher asks them, “What’s the first question you want to ask her?” And they were all staring at each other like *** I don’t know. And I looked at them and just said, “Okay, alright. I’m single.” [laughter] You know, I have to say it is a good thing I’m married because, you know, I don’t think that a lot of people who are paralyzed get laid. [laughter] I’m just putting it out there, you know. [laughter] And I wonder, is there like a spot on lavalife [laughter] Do you go on plenty of fish and say “I’m looking for a woman that doesn’t move around a lot”. [laughter] It’s just something I’ve thought about. You know what? Kids ask me the cutest questions. I love their innocence. But, I’ve had little kids just come up to me and ask ‘What’s wrong with that lady? Why can’t she walk?’ You’re not supposed to do that. People get very embarrassed about it. I had a little girl the other day who was asking really smart questions. Like she said, “Does it hurt you?” And I said “well no” And she said “Do you sleep in a wheel chair?” And I said “No, I sleep in a regular bed.” And then she’s thinking and she says, “Well how do you get dressed?’ And I said “Well I have to get someone to help me to get dressed and to get to the washroom and stuff like that” And I was thinking, you know, why would the adults ask if they really, really, you know … if they were really thinking about it, if they thought they could, of course you would have to. And I know, myself, I would totally have to talk about sex. [laughter] I would totally. It’s going to come up either way! [laughter] You’re allowed to ask stuff like that. People are generally pretty polite. You know, I used to do it. I used to give people in wheelchairs that encouraging little smile. [laughter] I love that all of you know it. [laughter] I realize now that I was such an ***. Because I would be like “Do I acknowledge them, do I not acknowledge them?” I want them to feel included. [laughter] So, I give them that little look like “hang in there little handicapped person” [laughter] Now I see people do that to me and I think “You’re so stupid” [laughter] I was in the Mall of America with my family a while back and, you know, and I pride myself on being a pretty intelligent person. You know, I’ve got the 4.0 in University, the whole bit. But, of course, I look like I’m friggen retarded, right? [laughter] It’s true. I’m in a wheelchair, I’ve got this hose in my nose. I’m at the mall and I’m coming up an elevator and there is some woman standing there. She leans right over the wheelchair and she says to me, “Hello dear! Are you having fun in the big shop?” [laughter] Who the *** talks to people like that? I didn’t know what to say, I was really shocked. She thought I was retarded, you know? So I just said, “Yes! Yeah I’m having fun in the shop.” Then I turned to my husband and I said, “That was a bit awkward.” We went shopping for jeans and I went up to him and I said you better find some jeans without an *** in them because that’s the big joke - he has no ***. And so just turns to me and says, “*** off.” And I though, oh I can get you. So in the loudest voice I could muster I yelled, “I can’t believe that you just told a handicapped woman to *** off.” [laughter] The looks that guy got! Holy ***, he’ll never do that to me again. [laughter] Anyway, I have no idea how long I’ve talked to you, but I appreciate you laughing at me. [laughter] Hey, at least people are laughing at not with without me. [laughter] Anyways, thanks a lot. [cheers]