Civil Protection: Aliens

Subtitles by Chris Fischer Edited by Ross Scott Dave, I shouldn't even have to explain this. We're uniformed officers on duty. That means dumpster diving is not cool. In FACT, it wouldn't be cool even if we were OFF duty. SO GET OUTTA THERE! Hold on, I've almost got it! Just hurry up before anyone sees you. Got it! Got what? You'll see! This better not be a dead cat. Better! [sighs] I'm glad I can't smell you through this mask. I found a radio! Hey, really? Does it work? I think so, I got the power to come on. Well let's hear it! [Radio] Let me remind all citizens of the dangers of magical thinking. Ah, not more of this crap... [radio voice continues] Try another station. See if you can get some music. [Radio] Black Mesa East to station 6. Do you read? [Radio] OFFICER DOWN, REQUEST ALL UNITS, CODE 3 TO MY C- [static] Hey, there we go. [electronic music] [music] Fat people not good. [music] Fat people not good. [pig squealing] [music] Fat people not good. What the- [music] Fat people not, not good. Are they saying... "Fat people... not good"? [music] Fat people not good. [music] Fat people not good. [music] Fat people not good. Ok turn it off. This is just weird. [music] Fat people not good. [music] Fat people not good. Fat people- Well that was a disappointment. Yeah... Man, radio kinda sucks now that the aliens have taken over. You mean... the Combine. No... the OTHER aliens that took over the Earth and conquered the human race. Come on, it's not like the Combine are the only aliens here now. Yeah, but how many alien races have taken over THE EARTH? Uh... Heidy-ho! Kermit dee Frog here! Today's Sesame Street on alien invasions is brought to you by the number "one" Mike quit being a smartass! If you meant the Combine, why didn't you just say: "the Combine"? Because it's a stupid name. I mean it's a verb for crying out loud! Aliens aren't verbs, they're nouns! Actually I think it's also the name for some kind of farm equipment. Like a thresher or something. That's even worse! Now we have a word that can mean to mix things together, a piece of farm equipment, and lets see... oh yeah that's right. It can also mean the most advanced form of life in the known universe. So? SO? Come on man! They're ALIENS! We didn't even know they EXISTED until they dropped in to invade us a few years ago. I mean their real names are the Glarksehglor- Glorkseh...gu- Something I can't pronounce. So we're the ones who gave 'em a new name. And you're telling me "the Combine" is the best we can come up with? They should have their own names! Like Gargs or Yorps or something. Yorps? Well it doesn't have to be that! It's just off the top of my head. Hey! Ooh! Ah! Okay, look. This is a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Now we named these aliens RIGHT! We call them THE VORTIGAUNTS... Now how cool is that? Is that cool? Or is THAT COOL? I gu- I think it's cool. I... guess. Here, let's ask him. [shouts] HEY BUDDY! YEAH, YOU! COME OVER HERE A MINUTE! Aw hell... [coughs] I didn't do nuthin' officer. Huh? Oh, you're not in trouble. I just have a question for you. I ain't seen nuthin' neither! Do you think the Combine is a dumb name for an alien race? I mean you guys have cool names. I don't know. I was just goin' down to the store to get some beer. Damn! This early in the morning? Uhh... I got an I.D.! Ah forget it. Just get outta here. O-kay officer. We have TOOTHPASTE that's- [talking fades away] That was close. You guys just don't get it. You're just thinking about it too much. Oh! And what are you thinkin' about, SOCRATES? Well NOW, you got me thinking about the Combine. Yeah, and how they need a better name right? No! I mean if we should really be working for them. I don't see why not. If you can't beat 'em join 'em! Besides, with our job skills what's the alternative? Garbage collector? Well, we could always join the rebels. Oh please. The rebels are idiots. What makes you say that? Because they're all heart and no brain. If you look at the big picture, they may as well be fighting the aliens with Nerfball guns. Oh it can't be that bad. They wouldn't be fighting if they didn't think they had a chance. I understand where they're coming from. Nobody's holding hands and singing "Joy to The World" since the aliens showed up and KICKED OUR ***. But let's look at the facts. The aliens conquered us in a matter of HOURS. The ENTIRE PLANET. Isn't that what we call the invasion now, The Seven Hour War? You know why? Because it lasted seven- Because it lasted seven hours! That's why! Most people are at work longer than that. That means that in less time than it takes for Joe Average to clock in and clock out at the office... the aliens conquered the whole Earth, whereas all Joe did was make some spreadsheets. Well that's because they caught us off guard. Okay, let's say we were READY for them. Then what? We'd call it "The 10 Hour War"? They tore into us like a pack of wolves! The rebels just aren't doing the math on this. Look, who has more fighters? The rebels or the aliens? The aliens. Who has more resources? The aliens. Who has WAY better technology? Yeah, I see your point. Hey, I got a stupid question. What's that? What do the Combine look like anyway? You know, I'm not sure either. That's how good they are. It's not like they showed up THEMSELVES to conquer the Earth. No. They were kickin' it back at their homeworld, sippin' alien martinis. While they sent ANOTHER alien race they had ALREADY CONQUERED, to come conquer us FOR THEM. Now that's just slick. Wow, and now we're working for them. Yeah. It's the pyramid scheme from Hell. So, you still wanna join the rebels? Maybe not. You're making them sound stupid. Yeah, well... I think cows are stupid too. But does that make them stupid? Yeah, wait a minute... What??? Forget it. Just think about things before you go and- Hey. Check it out. What? Another pigeon. Sweet. It's my turn isn't it? Yeah, think so. You see anybody coming? Nah, think you're good. Okay, pigeon. You're mine. Ready, aim... Oh my God look out! Ahh! You ***! Ha ha, you suck. Here, let me show you how it's done. Damn! How'd you get to be such a good shot? Just lots of time down at the range. I find its easier if you tape people's faces over the targets. Hell, I've even used YOURS a couple of times. I usually blow out the face of the target though, So... I just bring them home and draw smiley faces in the gaps, and use it to decorate my apartment. Thanks for sharing that, Dave. It's good to know you're not PSYCHO or anything. [Imitates gunshot sounds] Hey, do you hear that? Yeah. That's me, silly. No... that deeper sound. [Whale-like howling sound] I uh... think we've got a problem. What do you think it wants? I... don't know... Why is it just staring at us? I don't know either. Hehe. Hey, I dare you to shoot it. No I'm not gonna shoot it! Chicken! bok bok bok bok ba-kok! [LOUD GROWL] Hey Dave, here's a better idea: How about YOU shoot it and I'll run away and hide! Bok, ba-kok! Maybe we shouldn't have shot the pigeon. Excuse me, "I" shot the pigeon. YOU shot up those windows over there you lunatic. I wouldn't if you hadn't scared me! Oh quit complaining. This thing is probably gonna to kill you anyway. Hey, if it kills me it's gonna kill you too! I don't know why you sound so calm about this! Of course it won't! Big... alien... robot... things... love me. I mean look at him. He's just a big friendly guy! Dave this isn't a stray dog. I shall call you Simba. [whistles theme from Close Encounters of The 3rd Kind] What's that? An alien greeting. Wait... no its not! That's from a movie! That's not gonna help us! Of course it will! Simba understands what I'm saying. Isn't that right Simba? Watch. [whistles] Alright. I'm gonna start walking away slowly. If you want to do your snake charming routine there, knock yourself out. [pavement breaking] Okay, maybe not. [Whistles] [Finishes last two notes of theme] Ha ha! HEY LOOK OUT IT'S GONNA- WAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Oops. [shouting] MIKE, YOU OKAY? Now that wasn't very nice. Bad Simba! [moaning sound] [shouting] MIIIKE? [strained voice] DAVE! [shouting] YEAH? YOU'RE DEAD AS SOON AS I CAN WALK AGAIN! ["Simba" repeats last two notes again] Quiet, Simba.