Frasier S4E23 - English Transcript

Do you think Maris and I are meant to be together? MARTIN: Oh, what's this? - I got you a gift. - You did? What's the occasion? - No reason. You can't give something for no reason. - Yes, I can. - No, you can't. - Yes, I can. - No, you can't. You're starting to take the fun out of this. But there's no reason for this. - Does there have to be a reason? - Yeah. - Oh, would you just open it? - Oh, jeez. - I knitted it myself. - Oh, gee... You know, I had trouble with the rolled collar. I'm surprised you didn't hear me cursing from my bedroom. Boy, Daphne, this is really nice. I wish I had something to give you. - We're back on that again. - All right, all right. - But at least let me pay you for it. - Pay me for it? It's a gift. Just a couple bucks for the yarn. - Dad, has Niles called? - No. I've been standing out front for 20 minutes. We're gonna be late for our squash court. - Nice cardigan. - Daphne surprised me with it. You don't seem very happy about it. I'm not. I mean, you just don't give somebody something - for no reason. That's my rule. - Dad, spontaneous gift-giving is one of life's great pleasures. Didn't you give Mom anything without warning? Yeah, you. Where do you think I got the rule from? [BELL DINGS] Oh, there you are. Come on, Niles, let's shake a leg. - We'll be late for our court time. - Just a minute. Of course I do, Maris. Well, I miss you more. - No, I do. No, I do. - Niles. More than Van Cleef would miss Arpels. Oh, no, I don't. No, you have the prettier laugh. No, you do. No, you do. MARTIN: I'm gonna go walk into the ocean. Oh, no, I would love to meet you for lunch, but you know what Dr. Deutsch said: No meetings outside our therapy sessions. Oh, now, Maris-- Oh, wait, hold on a second. It's my other line. Hello. Get the hell off the phone. How rude. Please. You realize it's also rude to be late? You're telling me about being late for an appointment? FRASIER: You're ridiculously tardy. Tardy, tardy. NILES: No, I think-- FRASIER: Forget it. How dare you hang up on me. Bunny? Do you mind if we continue this conversation later? Oh, I'll be counting the minutes too. Well, I hope you're happy. We have now officially lost our court. Well, I'm sorry. I would hope that my attempt to salvage my marriage would be more important than a squash game. Of course. I was just looking forward to playing. I enjoy a morning game of squash more than anyone. - No, I do. - No, I do. No, no, stop it. Niles, I would love to see you and Maris reconcile, if that's what you want. I'm just afraid you might be going a bit too quickly. - Would you like some coffee? - Please. Need I remind you last month she served you with divorce papers? I'm aware of that. We're not rushing into anything. We only see each other at therapy. That reminds me. Yesterday at the café, I asked you a question, which you deftly avoided answering. Do you think Maris and I are meant to be together? Right. Well... That's a tough question. Perhaps the better question would be, "Do you think you and Maris are meant to be together?" I serve you up a question. You clumsily bat it back to me. We've hardly missed our squash game at all. No, no, I'm really interested in your opinion. - Let's say you were God. - Niles, please, I don't wanna play God. Please. No, just play along. Let's say you are the supreme ruler of heaven and earth. - What would you do? - Well, for starters, I'd issue a recall on some of my lesser species. [CELLPHONE RINGING] I-- I still want an answer to that question. Hello? What is it, pumpkin? Oh, now, now-- Dear, calm down. I'm sure that the banging you hear is just the pipes. If a servant had been walled in during the remodeling, he'd have died weeks ago. If it will ease your mind at all, why don't you have Marta take roll call? - Hold on a second. Hello? - Get out. Well, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, saying goodbye and good mental health. Your brother called. Lord, he must really want an answer to that question. No, he wanted to tell you the wine-club meeting was cancelled. - What question? - Yesterday, he asked me straight out if I thought he and Maris were meant for each other. - That's a loaded question. - Yeah, you're telling me. I don't even know what my answer is. Why don't you just play it safe and say yes? In my experience, when someone asks that question, they're not looking for honesty, they're looking for reassurance. - Tell him what he wants to hear. - I don't know, Roz. Trust me, Frasier. It's like if I ask you, "Do I look fat in these pants?" You're right. There's only one way to answer that question. What? - Do you think I look fat in these? - No, I don't. - I work out. It's the pleats, isn't it? - Just stop it. Get ahold of yourself. I was thinking about what you had said. I'm gonna tell Niles yes, I think he and Maris were meant to be together. Who are you waving to? Is that Elise Edmonds from Promotions? - We got a little date tonight. - A date? And you didn't tell me? It's no big deal. I don't think she's interested. - Hi, Frasier. Hey, Roz. FRASIER Hi. I'm sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to make sure. - Am I still seeing you tonight? - Yes, you are. Which means, of course, that I'll be seeing you as well. Great. Bye. Whoa! That woman is totally into you. - You think so? - Yeah. "I'll see you later. Great. Bye." - And that's a good sign? - Hello. She might as well have calf-roped you with her pantyhose. This promises to be a very interesting evening. - I think so. - Well, she is very attractive. Slender. Gee, I wonder why your mind went there. - Not this again, Roz. - Of course. She was next to me. I hate these pants. - I look like the Liberty Bell. - The Liberty Bell-- [DOORKNOB JOSTLING] - Afternoon, Mr. Crane. - Hello. - I've got the mail. - Oh, thanks. You wanna just put it on the table there? Is this for me? You know anybody else around here who uses eucalyptus bubble bath? - Well, your son occasionally likes-- - Oh, never mind. - This is lovely. - Well, I'm glad you like it, because I picked it all out myself. You know, I got you your fancy soaps, and your moisturizers, and this rock thing that scrapes all the dead skin off the bottom of your feet. Well, if you're gonna nap on the couch, wear slippers. - Still, Mr. Crane, you really overdid it. - No, I didn't. - I don't know if I can accept this. - Why not? Because you spent far too much. All right. Well, then, I'll take a couple of things back. Wait, not that one. Daphne, would you please just take the damn basket? What are you getting so cross about? You can give me a gift, but I'm not allowed to give you one back? - That's the reason you gave me this? - Yeah, that's the way it works. Where I come from, you don't give someone a gift because you have to. Here, take your silly basket. All right, fine. Well, then, you can take your crappy old cardigan back too. I don't know why you gave it to me in the first place. - Because I like you. - Well, I like you. Than why can't you just accept my gift and be happy? - I am happy. I love that cardigan. - And I love my damn basket. - What is all this? - We're exchanging our damn gifts. MARTIN: Well, here. - Here. - Thanks. Thank you. Good Lord. It's like Christmas morning in the Gambino household. By the way, Niles called while you were in the shower to remind you about the squash tomorrow. That's strange. We just made that date this morning. He must be champing at the bit to get an answer to that question. What question? Oh, he asked me if I thought he and Maris were meant to be together. Well, if you ask me, you should keep your bazoo shut. You're always getting in trouble opening that big bazoo of yours. How wonderful, Dad. We found a new word to strike from your vocabulary, along with patootie and bupkis. You're gonna answer him, aren't you? I think I have to. But listen, I'm just gonna play it safe. Tell him yes. He's gonna do what he wants to anyway. I don't know. He takes your opinion pretty seriously. Well, when we were younger, there was a certain sway I had over him, but-- Do you remember back in prep school when he was gonna try out for the track team? I convinced him all the cool kids were gonna join the Madrigal Society? I'm not just talking about school. He's always come to you for career decisions too. Where to do his residency, where to set up his practice. Perhaps I have underestimated my influence. You know, frankly, my opinion could be the single most important factor in his making this decision. - I don't know if I'd go as far as that. - Please, Dad. You don't know what it's like to have your opinion matter. Niles depends on me. He deserves my true and honest answer. - And what is that? - Well... Maris has always been spoiled and selfish and led him around by the nose. I'd have to say my answer would be no. Thank you, Dad. I've changed my answer from a yes to a no. MARTIN: There you go. FRASIER: On the other hand... MARTIN: I knew it. Well, no, you know, there are a lot of other factors here, Dad. Niles does love Maris. She has agreed to go into therapy, and Niles swears that she's a changed person. I-- I don't know. I guess if I really wanna know what's going on in Maris' mind, I've got to ask her myself. - You agree with that, don't you, Dad? MARTIN: Oh, yeah, sure. FRASIER: Well, I've got a couple hours before my date. So if I really wanna know what Maris is thinking, I will go directly to the source. - Are you ready to order? - Well, not quite yet. I'm still waiting on someone. Oh, there she is now. Marta. Marta, I can't tell you how nice it is to see you again. My pleasure. And this coffee is too, too divine. I see your English lessons with Maris are progressing nicely. Yes. She teaching me many words. That coat is so déclassé. Listen, Marta, I'm gonna come right to my point. Dr. Crane and Maris-- Missy Crane. --have been seeing a couples' therapist lately, - and I understand it's going very well. - Therapy helping Missy Crane a lot. Really? So you would say that she's a changed person? Si, si. Missy Crane very different, nicer to everyone. And this time no happy pills. For my birthday, she gave me beautiful Chanel makeup bag. It's a knockoff, but it's big. Oh, all right then, this is my question: If Dr. Crane and Mrs. Crane were to get back together again, do you...? Do you think that Mrs. Crane would treat Dr. Crane better? Oh, yes. Please ask Dr. Crane to come home. Marta, you've been most helpful. You know, lately, I've been wondering if Niles and Maris ought to be together. And now, thanks to you, I know that the answer to that question is yes. [MARTA LAUGHS] What? Did I say something funny? No, my beeper on vibrate. It tickle me. Sorry. I have to go. Missy Crane need me. - Oh, thanks, all right. I understand. - Thanks for café. Call me. Mean it. Well, there is a limit. - Hey. - Oh, Daphne. Was that Mrs. Crane's Marta who was just leaving? It was. We were just sharing a coffee. Marta helped allay my fears about Niles and Maris getting back together. Yes, I think she'd be glad to see Dr. Crane back in that household. - I should go get my beans. - Wait, Daphne. What do you mean? Well, I'm sure Dr. Crane acts as a good buffer between Mrs. Crane and the help. Gee, it never occurred to me that Marta might have an ulterior motive. Who could blame her? Mrs. Crane can be a bit demanding. Well, then, this taints Marta's entire testimony. Is it possible she could have lied to me? No. With my trained eye, very few things can escape my notice, as I'm sure you've observed, Daphne. You think that I--? But could she have lied to me? You know, see, this is the predicament I'm in. Every time someone gives me a valid argument, somebody else comes along, gives me a perfectly valid counterargument. One minute I think the answer is yes, the next minute I think it's no. This is driving me crazy. No, I've got to stick with it. Niles asked me what I think-- That's it. What I think. I don't know what I think right now. But that's where I should focus. Don't you agree? Oh, yes, absolutely. ELISE: Oh, I'm so glad we're finally doing this. - Oh, yeah, me too. - Is everything all right, Frasier? Oh, yes, yes, yes. I'm just a little preoccupied. Stop obsessing. Enjoy the date. Here we are. So where are we going? I've chosen a little Italian place I know, if that's all right. - I trust your judgment. - Okay. But then, who doesn't? Are you okay? Oh, I'm sorry. I told myself I wasn't gonna bring this up to you. I don't really think it's appropriate for a first date, but I haven't been able to think about anything else all day, so here goes. Do you think it's possible for two people to be meant for each other? - You've thought about that all day? - Yes. - Well, yes, I do. - I do too. But how do you know that they're meant for each other? Of course, it's essential that they have similar interests, goals in common. - Don't forget physical attraction. - Oh, well, that's a given. Yeah. But you know, my ex-wife and I had all those things, and our marriage was an unmitigated disaster. She probably just didn't appreciate you. No, not entirely. Did she listen to your show every day, sometimes even tape it so she could listen to it in bed at night? I didn't have a show then. I guess what it comes down to is-- What is that special something that makes us cry out, "Yes, we are meant to be together"? Who knows? All that matters is that we both feel it. Hmm? I would've told you months ago how I felt, but I was too insecure. I never dreamed you felt the same way I did. Frasier, don't turn shy on me now. What you thinking? Elise, I'm-- I'm thinking you are quite the practical joker. Pretending not to know I was talking about my brother Niles and his wife. Surely Roz must have told you. Oh, yeah. Sense of humor. That's another thing that's important to have in common. Frasier, I have a headache. I'm gonna take a rain check on tonight, okay? Oh, no, Elise. Listen, please, we can still go out. Pretend none of this ever happened. - Perfect. - Oh, don't-- Elise, please don't-- I can't for the life of me figure out why this decision is causing me so much anxiety. There's just so many things to be considered, you know. On one hand, well, perhaps I'm afraid that if Niles and Maris reconcile, we may lose the friendship he and I developed during their separation. On the other hand, if Maris does take him back, well, then, I won't have to feel so responsible for him. Ah, there's just so much at stake. [EDDIE BARKING] Oh, not that kind of steak. Stop it. You know, you're driving me crazy. I just can't think here. I'm gonna go take a walk. What? Oh, not with you. Go away. Time for your bath. So gullible. ROZ: Tell him what he wants to hear. MARTIN: He takes your opinion pretty seriously. MARTA: Missy Crane very different, nicer to everyone. MARTIN: Bazoo, shut your bazoo. ROZ: Fat, fat, fat, fat. DAPHNE: Dr. Crane makes a good buffer. [EDDIE BARKING] [DOOR BUZZING] - Who's there? FRASIER: It's Frasier. Let me in. - How did you get up here? - The doorman was asleep. - Well, what a coincidence, so was I. - I'm sorry, Niles. - I apologize for the late hour. - Well, what's wrong? - You smell of the streets. - Well, I-- I've been wandering Seattle in search for an answer to your question. I know how crucial my opinion is. I didn't wanna take your question lightly. What question? You asked if I thought that you and Maris were meant for each other. Oh, right. I've been to hell and back agonizing over this question, and you forgot. No, I didn't forget. I'm sorry, Frasier, I'm groggy. Come in, come in. I'm touched that you've given it this much thought. - You're a good brother. - Thank you. So please. Well, this... This is hard for me to say, but... No. I don't think you and Maris are meant to be together. I believe that a marriage should be built on a foundation of friendship and mutual respect. With Maris, I fear that you'll never experience those things fully. And I question whether you'll ever be truly happy. I see. Well, thank you. - You're hurt, aren't you? - No, no, I... I just need some time to process this. I appreciate your stopping by. It's just one of those times when I need to be alone. [BELL RINGING] - Did you just hear a bell? - No. Why don't you come on, go home, get some rest... [BELL RINGING] - There it is again. - No, I don't think so. Wait a minute. Oh, Niles... Maris is here, isn't she? How could you? Well, she offered, and I said yes. How could you do this without waiting for my opinion? Well, someone certainly has a high opinion of his opinion. Why don't you just go run back to her before she sprains her wrist? Oh, no-- Frasier. Frasier. I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. Maris has changed. She now understands that she cannot control me. I am my own man. [BELL RINGING] I don't actually respond to that. It's a little joke we have between us. [WHISTLE BLOWING] Okay, that means business.