New Years Jokes

New Years Eve One Liners A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, ***, or whiskey. New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper. My New Years resolution is 1080p I'm getting drunk just thinking about tomorrow night. My New Year’s resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions. I have only one resolution. To rediscover the difference between wants and needs. May I have all I need and want all I have. Happy New Year! If 2013 was a person, I’d sue him for pain and suffering and lost wages. This New Year’s I resolve to be less awesome since that is really the only thing I do in excess. People treat New Year’s like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow. I'll remember 2013 like it was yesterday Dear Luck, .....can we be friends in 2014 Please? May all your troubles last as long as your New Year resolutions. I want to get so drunk that if vampires bit my neck they'd get a Bloody Mary. I wanna kiss you on December 31st from 11:59 pm to 12:01 am, so I can have an amazing ending to 2013 and a beautiful beginning into 2014. Many things can be preserved in alcohol this New Years Eve. DIGNITY is not one of them. Every year I make a resolution to change myself....... this year makeing a resolution to be myself! I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2014. Just heard that in 2014 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it’s called alcohol. My New Years Resolution is to break my New Years Resolutions....That way I succeed at something! Anyone who says that alcohol is a depressant isn’t drinking enough of it. New Year's is just a holiday created by calendar companies who don't want you reusing last year's calendar. I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year. My 2014 resolution is for everyone else to gain the 50 pounds I refuse to lose. Tonight the Mayor is dropping the ball in New York while Congress is dropping the ball in Washington. There have been many times in 2013, when I have annoyed you, distubed you, irritated you, and bugged the hell out of you....today I just wanna tell you I plan to continue in 2014! The only ball that will be dropping on Times Square this New Years Eve is MINE. Sincerely, Lance Armstrong. New Years Eve Short Jokes What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year! What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking. What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve? The ice falls out of your drinks! What do you call always having a date for New Year’s Eve? Social Security New Years Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out. What happens every year when the Time Square Ball drops? Justin Bieber gets jealous Auld Lang Syne Lyrics (Short Version) Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne? For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, We'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne Auld Lang Syne Lyrics by Robert Burns (1788) Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind? Should auld acquaintance be forgot And auld lang syne? Chorus: For auld lang syne, my dear, For auld lang syne, We'll tak a cup o' kindness yet For auld lang syne! We twa hae run about the braes, And pu'd the gowans fine, But we've wander'd mony a weary fit Sin auld lang syne. We twa hae paidl't in the burn Frae morning sun till dine, But seas between us braid hae roar'd Sin auld lang syne. And there's a hand, my trusty fiere, And gie's a hand o' thine, And we'll tak a right guid willie-waught For auld lang syne! And surely ye'll be your pint' stowp, And surely I'll be mine, And we'll tak a cup o' kindness yet For auld lang syne! Translation Should old acquaintances be forgotten, And never brought to mind? Should old acquaintances be forgotten, And days of long ago ! Chorus: For old long ago, my dear For old long ago, We will take a cup of kindness yet For old long ago. We two have run about the hillsides And pulled the daisies fine, But we have wandered many a weary foot For old long ago. We two have paddled (waded) in the stream From noon until dinner time, But seas between us broad have roared Since old long ago. And there is a hand, my trusty friend, And give us a hand of yours, And we will take a goodwill draught (of ale) For old long ago! And surely you will pay for your pint, And surely I will pay for mine! And we will take a cup of kindness yet For old long ago! New Years Eve On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death. Tattoo Parlor This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh. The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?" So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years." New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance At Keeping When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL, LMAO, or ROTFLMAO!" Start using Facebook for something other than Farmville and stupid quizzes I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 facebook accounts. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. Lose 20 pounds by going to the gym! I will stop using, "So, what's your URL?" as a pickup line. I will spend less than five hour a day on the Internet. I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. Spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year. Lose weight by inventing an anti-gravity machine Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again. I will stop tagging pictures of myself in pictures even when I’m not in them I will think of a password other than "password" New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep Read less. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds. I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store Stop exercising. Waste of time. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. Watch less T.V. in standard definition Gain enough weight to get on The Biggest Loser. Watch more movie remakes. Start washing my hands after I use the restroom. Procrastinate more. I will do less laundry and use more deodorant. I will no longer waste my time relieving the past, instead I will spend it worrying about the future. Drink. Drink some more. Stop buying worthless junk on Ebay, because QVC has better specials Start being superstitious. Spend more time at work. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. Take up a new habit: maybe smoking!