Night Court S2E15 - English Transcript

So, Mac, what's news? "Tornado rips up Nebraska trailer park." Those things always head straight for the trailer parks. Why do you think they call them mobile homes? [LAUGHS] Uh... Mobile homes. [BOTH LAUGH] Hey, Dan, you know, I know it's tough, but try to have a heart. Come on, I read the same story. Nobody was hurt, right, Mac? "No injuries. Hundreds left homeless." There. Happy? Hi, guys. - Hi, judge. - Hey, Harry. Hey, you wanna *** this stuff up? We could have a giant spitball fight. [CHUCKLES] - Is that the stuff you have to review? - About one one-hundredth of it. I'm gonna spend the next nine hours... ...going over the thousands of bail reports I approved this year. Wait. You mean, you're not gonna be our judge tonight? No, you got a replacement coming in from the Brooklyn court. So, what are you guys gonna do without me, huh? [MAC CHUCKLES] Well, I guess some of you will think of something. I'll give them 15 seconds to start breathing again. Then I go in after her. [CROWD APPLAUDING] Thank God nobody was hurt. Are you still married? She passed away. Great. I mean, the way you're taking it. You get over things. Not all the time. We can handle this alone, thank you. Is there some place we could talk? This is a big building. I'm a big boy. That's how Frankie used to talk to Annette. Selma, aren't you gonna introduce us to your? Oh, I'm sorry. This is Marty Ratner, everybody. - Hi. GROUP: Hi, Marty. We didn't mean to gawk... ...it's just that we weren't aware that Selma was... Alive? I was gonna say "involved." Remember our last date? Yes. You picked me up at 7:20 in your tan Buick. We had wine, lobster... ...and danced until 3:45 in the morning. Well, isn't that...? Almost interesting. We think so. It was 45 years ago. Let's go someplace where we can catch up. I'm all ears. That's not the way I remember it. Good evening. I'm Arnold Koppelson. - You must be our man from Brooklyn. - And you must be Judge Harold Stone. - Wild guess? - I never guess, I just knew. I hope you people realize how lucky you are... ...to be working with a man like this. We often hear of your talents in the Brooklyn court. So I consider it a privilege and an honor to sit on your bench... ...even for a brief session. Well, I'll see you all in the courtroom. He was really shoveling it fast and furious, wasn't he? Well, now, Dan, maybe he was sincere. Sincere? He made Harry seem like the Second Coming. An unassuming little burgundy you might find amusing. Red with Jell-O? - So that was your third husband. - Yes. But the one you left at the toll plaza... Number five. I thought five was the contortionist. Oh, that was Phil. The one who drove with his feet? He ate with them too. I stayed away from carnivals after that. All rise. Criminal court part two is now in session. The Honorable... ..."Arnold Koppelson"... ...presiding. You may be seated. Oh, and, bailiff, may I just say... ...that having a presence as strong as yours in the courtroom... ...is reassuring, to say the least. - Thank you, sir. - Your welcome. - Here's tonight's docket, sir. - Oh, thank you. What a pleasant man. Yeah, I don't trust him either. People v. Milo Wright. - Your Honor, Mr. Wright was arrested... ARNOLD: I... I read your report, Mr. Fielding. I know all about it. - Merely trying to be helpful, sir. - No need. Your sense of accuracy is uncanny... ...and your attention to detail is extraordinary. It virtually jumps off the paper. Uh... W-w-well, thank you, sir. And you say you're only an assistant DA, huh? You know, frankly, Mr. Fielding, that stuns me... ...but I'm sure it's just an oversight that will be corrected in the very near future. Your Honor, I... ...love you. [SINGING "IT'S ONLY A PAPER MOON"] [KNOCK ON DOOR] Yeah? Your Honor, I need your help. - Things get a little backed up in there? - Heck, no, we had dinner break. - Already? - Harry, this guy is amazing. We practically finished the whole docket. But you said you needed my help? Oh, yeah. Would you get this knot out for me? Sure, that's what I'm here for. [KNOCK ON DOOR] - Yeah? - A two-hour dinner break. - Can you believe it? - I got time to get some jogging in. - Pshew. Hi, Harry. - Hi. So Mac says things are going okay? Smooth as silk. It's amazing how fast things go when there isn't so much goofing off. I mean, of course, goofing off in a professional sense. - There you go. - Well, thank you, sir. Sure. If you need anything else, I'll be here. Stapling things to my face. Well, you have fun, sir. Your Honor? Oh. You're busy. I'll be back later. No, come on in, Selma. We were just discussing Judge Koppelson. Aw. What a sweetheart, huh? Sounds like you're headed for a gang hug. Go on, tell them. Tell us what? Oh, listen, it's starting to sound like a big deal. It's no big deal. What isn't? I'm going to Florida and shack up with Marty. You're getting married? She doesn't know what shacking up means? - Sir, we got a problem. - Mac, Selma's going to Florida. Be sure to hit Disney World. - Sir, I'm afraid this is urgent. - What is it? I just called a Brooklyn court to transfer a few grand jury felonies. Judge Koppelson needed more to do. From the sound of things... ...he should be able to clean up the national crime problem by dawn. MAC: Harry... - He's not using my gavel, is he? Harry, there is no Judge Koppelson in the Brooklyn court. There's no Judge Koppelson anywhere. He's a fraud. Oh, no, I don't believe that. That's incredible. I could have told you so. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay, well, thank you. Any sign of him? - Dan took him out to dinner. - Really? Bull went to the local suck-up eateries to see if he could find him. Good thinking. Well, it turns out our Mr. Koppelson is with the Brooklyn court system. Then he is a judge. Then he is a clerk. - A clerk? HARRY: Mm-hm. In the Records Division, for 35 years. And he's got a good record, but he's got no law degree... ...and no college education. That's incredible. I mean, this guy just walks in off the street wearing a robe... ...plops himself on the bench, and everybody falls for it? - He must think you people are a bunch of... - Boneheads. Well, I can see that you're busy. I'll see you in the cafeteria, bunny rabbit. I'll count the seconds, tiger. [GROWLING] [HISSING] [SIGHS] Love can be sickening, can't it? Mac, go get me the cases that Koppelson ruled on. - All of them? - Well, how many are there? Eighty-four. In less than three hours? I'm telling you, Harry, the guy is... Amazing, incredible, the best. Yeah, I remember. All right, I'm going. I'll help Mac with the cases. Right. Use a forklift if you have to. Well, where's my lecture? - Lecture? - About running off to Miami... ...with a man I haven't seen since the Louisiana Purchase. Selma... ...now, you know we all care about you. You can't walk in here and tell us you're moving to Florida... ...and not expect us to be concerned. Well, be quick about it, Harry... ...because I've got decades to make up for tonight. Selma... Save it, Harry. I'm cresting on a wave of love. That bad, huh? He makes my elbows sweat. I get the picture. Selma... ...be careful. Would I disappoint you? Hey, it could have happened to anybody. Judge Stone, your bailiff said there was a problem. I'm afraid there is, Arnold. Where did you find him, Bull? Dan's favorite restaurant, La Pretense. What the hell is going on? Bigfoot comes barging into the restaurant, practically drags us out. Why don't you tell him, Arnold? I talked to your supervisor. I know who you are. Who are he? Arnold? I'm a clerk in the Record Division over at Brooklyn court. A clerk? I'm afraid so. I promised you could be godfather to my first... ...and you're telling me you're a clerk? I suppose this puts our ski weekend in Vermont on the back burner, doesn't it? Lobsters and wine. What else? This is moving. Thank you. I meant the lobster. [LAUGHS] Julia taught me how to pack them live right from the dock. The cook is boiling the water. - Julia? - That's my wife's name. I brought them up from Florida with me on the plane. They got a window seat. Ha-ha-ha. A window seat. Ha-ha-ha. You were always a tough audience. So, what's the plan? We pack your things, we fly to Fort Lauderdale, we go crazy. I like it. Is your place near the courthouse? Maybe there is some job openings. Ha-ha. Job openings? Why on earth would you want a job? I've got plenty of money. It's not the money. I like to work. Julia never did. - Marty... - Excuse me, is this the Ratner party? Yes. I was told to play for two people in love. Enjoy. [PLAYING LIVELY MILITARY TUNE] Wait, wait, wait a minute, there must be some mistake. I ordered a violin player. He had to cancel, so they sent me. Please don't ask me to leave. Everybody asks me to leave. If you ask me to leave, I'm going to take the elevator to the roof... ...and plunge to my death. Just make sure you take that with you. - Mister? - Well, I suppose it'll be okay. I owe you my life. Just keep it soft and romantic. Got it. [PLAYS SLOW MILITARY TUNE] Lovely. I mean that. Listen, Marty. Hold it a minute, chucko. I'll tell you when. Selma, I know you've enjoyed your job up here. But why should you work when I can take care of you? Julia never worked. What did she do all day, pack seafood? She used to knit me things. She made me soufflés. Cleaned the house. She had aprons from all 50 states. Marty, listen to me. I don't knit, I don't cook, I don't clean houses. - That's why God gave us other people. - Ha-ha. [LAUGHING] Selma, you're a scream. Now, seriously, I know that you'll enjoy not having the grind of a daily job. Please, let me take care of you. Oh, and in return, I take care of you? Isn't that what love is all about? [RESUMES PLAYING] Not yet. Not yet. Sorry. The moment moved me. - Marty. - Yes, lamb chop? Marty, maybe we'd better hold off on that jet. What are you talking about? Sounds like dump city, pal. Leave or scarlet bellows will start to spread. My father made me take lessons. God will punish him. You had us, accomplished attorneys, practicing law in front of you... ...a clerk charading as a magistrate, for almost three hours. You have made a mockery out of this country's justice system. And you have nothing to say for yourself? I enjoyed the rack of lamb. I want it back. It's mine. Now, what is this nonsense about not going away with me? Listen to yourself, Marty. You don't want me. You want a domestic. What you and Julia had all these years was great. But it's not my kind of great. Selma, I never thought of you as a maid. I thought of you as a woman. I know, doll. But I just don't think I'm quite what you have in mind. You're used to something else. I guess I am. I always was a little helpless. You made the right choice in 1938, Marty. I'm sure I could bring myself to change a little. Maybe we both can. - Marty... - Did I mention the double gas oven? I use mine to dry my pantyhose. I see what you mean. Listen, I know how you all must be feeling, and I can't blame you for being angry. But I fully expected to go to jail. You knew this was gonna happen? Sure. I'm just surprised that I lasted as long as I did. - Well, why did you do it? - I always wanted to. Well, that's certainly stupid. No, not really. You see, I'm retiring next month. I used to sit at my little desk for 30 years while the judges came and went... ...night after night, watching and waiting... ...and dreaming that one day, I'd be up there myself. And then this afternoon when the call came for a replacement... ...it occurred to me that maybe this would be my last chance. Do you know something? Even now I get the feeling you're not the slightest bit sorry about this. - Well, I'm not. - Incredible. Why? I did a hell of a job. He's right. He is? As far as I'm concerned, yup. I would've made the same decision in virtually every one of these cases. Well, the prosecution did an excellent job. It made my work easy. - Thank you. - You're welcome. - Geek. - Bootlicker. Mac, I'll sign these myself later and then you can take them downstairs. I'll finish off the night. What about this guy? Oh, don't worry about me. I'm familiar with the prison system. I'll get along. Go home, Arnold. I beg your pardon? Go home. Putting you in jail is only gonna cost the city money for no reason. But I committed a crime. First offense, right? Well, yes, that's true, but... "He made a mistake, and based on my 30 years of experience... ...l'm gonna take a chance that he learned something from it." I said that, didn't I? Steven's case. It was a first offense too. Well, based on my two years of experience... ...l'm gonna take the same chance on you, Arnold. Now, go home. Thank you, Your Honor. Oh, just so you know, you really are big in Brooklyn. Arnold. You would've made a good judge. I was a good judge. - Hi. - Hi. I thought you might have thought things over. - I did. - And? Can you picture this body in an apron? No. But I can picture it without an apron. December 12th. The observation deck of the Empire State Building. Yeah. [EXHALES] I think we were facing north. Listen, I want you to take this. It rowed up with the lobsters. "1938." It was a very good year. See you, Selma. See you, Marty. We held the record until the World Trade Center went up. - Hi, Selma. - Hi, Harry. What happened? We had some wine, killed some crustaceans... ...and then some guy played military music. - What about Marty? - It turns out he wanted somebody else. - I'm sorry. - No sweat. If you're interested... ...and if you're wondering if a heart can beat through nine presidents... ...six husbands, 45 springs... ...and still race at the sight of a tan Buick driving up the street... ...honey, I'm here to tell you it can. I'll bet it can. Oh, I've been through worse. Well, tonight, you'll be through better. Lets you and me go out after the session. Oh, don't worry about it. Come on, it'll cheer you up. Oh, seriously, I'm fine. Selma, you're not fine. MAN: Hi, Selma. - Oh, hi, Brent. - Pick you up at 11? - Sure. I'm looking forward to it. Your nephew. Your lawyer? Your nephew's lawyer? Your lawyer's nephew? Carpool? Insurance salesman? Bailiff trainee. [ENGLISH SDH]